TPR Path

[mom6399]

What is the name of your state? GA

I came to this site a few years ago seeking advice on terminating parental rights for the NCP in my situation. I listened to some hard and often appropriately harsh legal advice and chose not to go down that path. I have followed advice received here, done what I can to work with NCP, but things are not getting any better.

Recent events involving the NCP were sent to my attorney, including ongoing DV, assault on the "current" partners minor child and a laundry list of criminal convictions from multiple dui's to disturbing the peace and everything in between. NCP has refused contact to establish a reintegration plan with the child. These events have led both my attorney and child's therapist to recommend termination of parental rights. A huge surprise from coming from both, who are typically against such actions. I have full legal and custodial custody with my discretion regarding visitation; every possible effort has been made to 1) re establish a relationship after lengthy NCP absences, 2) to nurture a relationship after 2 reintegrations , and lastly to re establish again during this current 4 year absence.

The NCP has not seen the child in 4 years and spoken with the child less than a handful of times in that period. They have been working "under the table" earning more than $40,000 per year (tax records have been supplied by the employer) yet are more than $25,000 in arrears (separate issue, I know); federal indictment for failure to pay cs is in the works though CSE.

Therapist feels child needs closure as NCP has been pulling disappearing acts for almost 7 years; regularly being part of the child's life for only about 3 of the child's 8+ years. Attorney feels legal grounds have been established, even though there is not a step in place to adopt (my emotional and physical efforts are directed at raising a child, not finding a spouse/replacement). Attorney feels the actions of the NCP have been/are so egregious that if the petition is not granted, the statutes should be removed from the books....obviously only giving a part of the story in this public forum.

The ball is in motion. It is very, very sad and not something I am entering into lightly...I am even doubting the NCP will show up for the hearing...as he did not for a visitation modification a year ago to establish reintegration and set plan.

If anyone, attorney or parent, can or is willing to offer me an insight as to how to prepare for this unfortunate event, I will be greatly appreciative. I know "our" child will be left without a father if the action is granted...she doesn't think she has one now. I know the child will not receive any future child support, I am prepared for this as I don't get it now (not on, never been, never will be on assistance). I know I chose to have a child with this person, but as we all know, people change and he is not at all the person I married or had this child with. I know I have done all that I can.

The facts will speak for themselves, but what support will I have to offer beyond therapist's, friends, and family testimony? How do I do this? Not just legally, but emotionally? I know in my heart it is what is best for the child. I know.

Thank you.

 

[Ohiogal]

You are going to have to prepare to lose if it goes against the law. Which apparently it does as statutes would need removed from the books? Why terminate? Why not just not allow visitation any longer if it is at your discretion and get restraining orders against dad?

 

[mom6399]

Thank,OG.

Let me clarify. NCP meets almost every criteria for termination. What my attorney meant was that if rights cannot be terminated under these circumstances, then termination should not be allowed at all...? It is legal.

I have a current temporary order in place with no visitation and a restraining order.My original and permanent order is the one I referred to in my original post.

So why terminate? The fact that he is out there has caused a great deal of anxiety for the child, and for me, too, but I know I can protect her. She doesn't feel completely safe. The therapist feels she needs closure and that it will be in her best interest to know, dad can't pop in and out or hurt her or me. Her feelings are based on her experiences...losses...and dad's behavior; I continue to remain positive about him, but she's a smart one. I am also concerned that if something happens to me that she will automatically go to dad. I have other arrangements in place, but there is no guarantee, as you know, my wishes would be granted if I am no longer here. Right now, all his rights are getting him are growing arrears in CS and leaving us hanging in the lurch...when he has popped back in (and out again) it has cost me thousands of dollars in legal fees and counseling...the current situation benefits no one. How many times should an absent parent be allowed to abandon a child? I don't know...what I do know is that with each incidence of abandonment, the child has suffered greatly. I've left the gate unlocked for many years now, even opening it at times to try again. Each time with negative results...is it right for me to continue down this path, or try to put an end to this journey? It's a really tough call, but for now I've made it.

Thank you.

I am fully prepared to lose as well as being fully prepared to continue to be responsible for the child I've been raising alone for most of her life.

 

[Ohiogal]

Here is the thing -- dad will always be around. Even if he is not legally dad. So he could continue popping in. If you dont' want to deal with him have you considered waiving child support?

 

[mom6399]

OhioGal,

I do know that dad will always be dad. I cannot terminate him! At this point, it has been nearly 4 years since he has seen the child. There is no interaction between us, currently. I have previously waived about 2 years of CS. I am currently not receiving any support from dad, even though he has had the ability to pay... it is my understanding, which may be incorrect, that once the motion to terminate has been started (or if granted?), CS will stop accruing? And that I cannot waive the current arrears. Once they are there, they are there? I can certainly close my case with CSE, but that will not eliminate the arrears? I don't expect to ever see it any way, so this is not an issue for me.

It is also my understanding that as long as dad's rights are intact, he can, if he ever choses to, file for a modification and have visitation re-instated and/or request a standard parenting plan. Due to our family history, again, it has been recommended by the child's therapist that termination is in the child's best interest. I guess I feel (and I know my feelings are irrelevant) that dad has been given every opportunity to do what is best for the child and they have not come through; it seems only "fair" that the child and I should have the right to determine what is best for us...and not be under the control of the parent who may have a whim at some point that they want to be a part of the child's life. I know this sounds harsh...and maybe even selfish...this is not about hurting dad, getting rid of dad, but truly and honestly trying to be proactive and look out for the best interest of a child I know better than anyone.

I respect the fact that kids deserve both parents and that ALL parents have rights...I know there are a lot of parents who use this card for the wrong reasons. Four consequtive years is a long, long, long time, especially in the life of a child. Not too mention the rocky past that preceded this lengthy absence. There is more risk of greater harm in keeping this door open than there is opportunity for a positive outcome. I wish it were different for all of us, especially the child. As I said, this is a tough call; one I have labored over for a long time. I greatly appreciate your non-judgmental input and presentation of options, OhioGal. I'm not wanting to go down this path completely blind. I guess I will just have to have faith that the "right" thing will happen here and continue to care for this child in the best ways I know how...thank god for therapy!

Thanks, again, OhioGal. Your posts on multiple topics are always very enlightening. I have a lot of respect for you and the others who donate your time to give those of us on this side some often painful, but critical insight. I have learned so much here that has helped me tremendously.

Mom

 

[Ohiogal]

You've thought it over so therefore emotionally what you have to do is prepare your child for a "death" because that is what this will be. And you have to allow your child to grieve not to mention continue in counseling -- both YOU and your daughter.

 

[mom6399]

Thanks again, OG.

Yes...therapy will continue. We have both been through a lot...but we are strong and emotionally healthy...

The child grieved when dad disappeared for a year almost 7 years ago...the child grieved with the multiple subsequent disappearances...the child grieved 3 years ago when dad would not return calls and thought he must be dead...as I said it's been 4 years...child is only 8. We have the support in place if this does actually go through...we have the support if it doesn't.

Thank you again for your hard questioning. I'll let you know what happens.

Mom

 

[milspecgirl]

We are currently pursuing this same thing. child is 13- ncp has seen her maybe 6 times in the past 8 years- each time popping in and making promises- getting child excited that maybe they wanted to be a parent. we deal with a lot of abandonment issues and the child suffers from reactive attachment disorder.
continue the counseling.
if you have never been on state assistance, it is my understanding that you can waive any arrearages

 

[mom6399]

Thanks, Milspecgirl.

I'm glad to know I am not the only one! So much of what I have read makes this seem like a hopeless situation. So, we'll see.

My child suffers from a lot of anxiety issues and our therapist is great. No longer on my insurance, so it's a pretty penny for every visit, but there is a trust issue here that is very important. At 12 in GA, kids have a say...hopefully your child's voice will be heard.

I have never been on assistance, so the arrears will be what they are. His doing, right?

Good luck in your efforts...I know where you are coming from.

Mom

 

[milspecgirl]

my only concern for you is the lack of a stepparent. in our case, there is a corresponding stepparent adoption petition, but if there wasn't- all the judge would be willing to order is that any contact between ncp and child has to be approved by cp

 

[mom6399]

milspecgirl

Thanks...and this is also a concern for me. I spoke with my attorney about this, and there is nothing in the statutes that dictates a step must be in place. He feels dad's actions/inactions have been so egregious that this should not be an issue. We'll see.

I am curious about this step "requirement" in a lot of cases. I find it personally and politically outrageous. With so many CP's raising children completely on their own, the number of never married parents raising children and with the divorce rate so high, this position seems quite antiquated. I absolutely understand when a parent has chosen to be involved, but when absent parents CHOOSE to be completely negligent of their responsibilities, that their rights outweigh the rights and well being of a child is something I will never understand?

I'm happy your child has and will continue to have a positive father figure, and a father in the end. My child has numerous "figures" with male friends and family members. If a judge knocks me for dedicating my time to raising her rather than finding a new husband as a good father to replace the crappy one she has...well, that will say a lot won't it!

If there is anything that might not be obvious regarding my preparation, legally, (thanks OG for your previous insights), please share...if not...I'll post the outcome...either way.

Thank you, again.

Mom.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

it is actually reversed in the case of milspecgirl. The daughter is with Dad and mom is having her rights terminated. milspecgirl will be stepping up to the plate of being mom.

 

[mom6399]

Assume makes an a... out of me...

Thanks for the clarification, Ginny J. I read "girl" in the name and assumed a gender...proves the assume rule.

I don't see this as a gender issue..! I know, and have seen situations such as this for both dads and moms....So I will correct and say that I am happy milspecgirl's child will have a positive and loving mother in her life...I should not have even used "figure" my previous post, as this will be MOM, not a mom figure. Fortunate child....obviously due to a loving parent looking out for her.

 

[milspecgirl]

thank you ginny- lol
the reason for the step clause is that even if the ncp is not involved- they are still legally responsible- meaning the child has 2 legal parents- this is the govt's way of trying to make sure that each child is supported by both parents (financially anyways). Even if the child is on state assistance, the gov't can go after the other parent for pymt. It is a way of trying to lessen the burden on taxpayers. it is also a way of trying to get ppl to realize you can't just walk away from responsibility. if the step clause wasn't there, you'd have courts flooded with ncp's who don't want to pay filing and cp's who just don't like ncp or want to replace ncp filing all the time
legally i can tell you that it is much harder than they make it sound. ours was an open and shut case (as much as is possible in this type of case) we met 7 of 9 requirements (murder and sexual abuse - which we suspect but can't prove- are the only one's we were missing). ncp even had her rights to 2 other kids terminated by the state. we have been fighting going on a year. final court date is may 15 and there is no telling how it will turn out. all because mom refuses not to be mom anymore. she has also not cooperated with any provision of the reunification, etc so I can only hope.
I can tell you to be prepared for a long battle in most places (although I know of 1 in TN that was a 30 min ordeal even though ncp protested)

 

[joan marie]

re: terminating rights

I also have a little involve NCP. But Id really think long and hard about terminating his/her rights. The child is half of you both. What you say/do to the NCP affects the child more than they can explain or understand well into adulthood. IMHO* The child realizing one parent is "bad" starts to feel bad about themself. If he/she is not involved anyway, let it go. A day may come where the NCP realizes their mistakes and want to retitfy. I dont know, Im just more of the "leave the door open" for the kids sake. You can just tell the child not all adults act like adults and although the NCP loves her he has to get healthy. Just give the kid some hope for the future? I may be way off but I know the value of both parents and understand the effects of the lack of one on kids. I wish you the best of luck*