trouble w/ child's father/his mother

[langley]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? TN

I was 18 and not married when I had my first child. My child has his last name and his name is on the birth certificate. We haven't been together in years and I married someone 5 years ago. We never have been to court to set up child support or visitation. We just went on with our life and he and his mom would call ever now and then wanting to see her or would give us money here and there.

Last time I talked to her father on the phone was March of 2004 and he saw her a couple of times last year through his mother. We moved from OK to TN in Nov. 2004 and had no trouble with him because had no way of telling him but I did tell his mother.

Last time he saw her was Dec. 2004 and hasn't called or tried to ask to see her since then until last night (10-23-05) he called to wish her a happy birthday and she wouldn't talk to him. So that was over 10 months without any contact with him. His mother has called or emailed a few times.

We want him to sign over his parental rights so my husband can adopt my daughter and also have her last name changed to ours.

Is there anything we can do to prove he's an absent father. He lives in AR. Also if we ever do file for child support does he have to back pay? His mother is threatning to take us to court for grandparent rights. We don't have a problem with her until her son uses her to get to see our child and not want to pay anything. We've always came to an agreement that whenever he did want to see her he would give us some money. But he hasn't given us anything in 2 years but he sees my child when she goes to see his mother so he won't have to pay anything to us.

We just want him to leave us alone. We only hear from him on her birthday or Christmas. What kind of father is that?

Thanks...

 

[CJane]

We never have been to court to set up child support or visitation.

Then he owes you NOTHING - so, all of these comments are irrelevant (and extremely selfish/distasteful).

Is there anything we can do to prove he's an absent father.

Also if we ever do file for child support does he have to back pay?

her son uses her to get to see our child and not want to pay anything.

We've always came to an agreement that whenever he did want to see her he would give us some money. But he hasn't given us anything in 2 years but he sees my child when she goes to see his mother so he won't have to pay anything to us.

 

[Shay-Pari'e]

Ditto,

Extremely selfish. You had an agreement he would give you money when he saw his child? You are a class act, and doing a bang up job as a mother.

 

[langley]

why am I selfish when he's a dead beat dad. My daughter just turned 9 yesterday and the only time he calls her is his birthday or Christmas and after x-mas is over it will be 10 months before we hear from him again.

If he doesn't pay child support then what's wrong with having an agreement that when he gets my daughter he will give some money.

But he uses his mother to see her that way he gets out having to do anything financially for her. Is that okay for fathers to keep having kids but not want to have the responsibility of taking care of them?

 

[CJane]

why am I selfish when he's a dead beat dad. My daughter just turned 9 yesterday and the only time he calls her is his birthday or Christmas and after x-mas is over it will be 10 months before we hear from him again.

If he doesn't pay child support then what's wrong with having an agreement that when he gets my daughter he will give some money.

But he uses his mother to see her that way he gets out having to do anything financially for her. Is that okay for fathers to keep having kids but not want to have the responsibility of taking care of them?

What's wrong with it is that you're essentially pimping out your daughter to her own father. If you want support, FILE FOR IT.

If I had to pay my ex cash every time I wanted to see my kid because he was too lazy/ignorant/whatever to file for support/custody/visitation/etc, I'd stop coming around too.

 

[poeypooh]

First of all, if you have never established paternity then he legally isnt even her dad. His name being on the certificate does not establish paternity. If you want your husband to apopt then the 1st step will have to be done, which is establishing paternity.
2nd if you havent filed for support then he doesnt owe you anything. And no, you can not file now and get back child support. Most states award support from the time it was filed, some states will go back anywhere from 12 to 36 months from the time you file. He will not owe you 9 years of support in any state.

3rd if you terminate his rights, which will be difficult, he wont owe you anything.

 

[langley]

My daughter does not like him. That's why I have never filed for child support. He makes her call him daddy by telling her he won't buy her this if she doesn't call him daddy and she doesn't want to be made by the court to go see him for visitation.

Ex: he took her to the movies last year and said he wouldn't buy her popcorn and drink if she didn't start calling him daddy. He stopped being in her life when she was 2 and now she is 9. He won't even call to talk to her or send her letters. So she's used to him not being around.

 

[Shay-Pari'e]

My daughter does not like him. That's why I have never filed for child support. He makes her call him daddy by telling her he won't buy her this if she doesn't call him daddy and she doesn't want to be made by the court to go see him for visitation.

Ex: he took her to the movies last year and said he wouldn't buy her popcorn and drink if she didn't start calling him daddy. He stopped being in her life when she was 2 and now she is 9. He won't even call to talk to her or send her letters. So she's used to him not being around.

Your daughter was able to tell you she did not like him when she was born? What about at 18 months?

 

[poeypooh]

I am in a similar situation. My daughter is also 9 and she hasnt had any kind of contact with her dad since she was 2. I have really thought about terminating his rights, for me I would love to. For her, I wont do it. There could come a day when dad changes his mind and wants to be a part of her life. He could turn out to be a wonderful dad. I dont want my daughter to miss out on having that opportunity if it is presented. Right now, she would still like to see her dad although those feelings are subsiding. We talk about him now and then and she looks through the photo albums so she can remember what he looks like. She used to want to talk and she used to ask a lot of questions about him but lately she has not. I am not pushing her either way. So although our situations are not identical they are similar. I filed for child support in April of 2004, we just had the hearing October 5. His payments are to start November 1, we'll see. So far, he hasnt called or anything. So I would encourage you to go ahead and establish paternity and file for support, after all your daughter deserves to have both parents supporting her.

 

[langley]

He's never questioned the paternity, so that's never been a problem with him.
Since she has his last name and his name is on the birth certificate, does he have any say on when he sees her?

He told me last night that if I filed for child support that he would have to back pay child support. I had no idea how it would work that's why I mentioned it.

 

[poeypooh]

His name being on the birth certificate doesnt mean anything legally. He would have had to establish paternity either by signing an acknowledgement of paternity at the hospital or thru dna testing. As far as back support, since there was never anything filed he would not owe for 9 years. Like I said earlier though depending on your state it could go back for up to 36 months from the time you file, which is a lot of money.

And no, since nothing was ever filed as far as visitation, and because paternity has not been established, no he does not have a say on when or if he sees her.

 

[langley]

If he's getting ready to start paying child support, does he has visitation with your daughter?
My daughter never talks about her real dad, but she does like his mom which isn't a problem to me.
The ex wife of my daughter's dad called me last night and she divorced him and it was final this summer, now there fighting over custody of the child. She said he abused her. What would he do to my child if he were to get mad at her?

 

[langley]

We didn't have any dna testing done. I had always lived in OK until last Nov. we moved to TN and he lives in AR. We use to live 30 minutes from him and he still never called or ask to see her.

 

[Shay-Pari'e]

If he's getting ready to start paying child support, does he has visitation with your daughter?
My daughter never talks about her real dad, but she does like his mom which isn't a problem to me.
The ex wife of my daughter's dad called me last night and she divorced him and it was final this summer, now there fighting over custody of the child. She said he abused her. What would he do to my child if he were to get mad at her?

How much more do you want to twist this?

 

[langley]

what are you talking about paridise? What's your story? First time in here so don't know you.