Visitation at fathers house need opinions Thanks!

[krislild]

What is the name of your state?nm
I have a 2.5 year old daughter ex and I have never been to court. Have been trying to be civil and keep out of court. We have a private agreemnt between us. He is allowed to see her every other weekend for a few hours with myself there along with him mom, his wife , and sometimes her son (from other relationship). When this agreement was initially started his wife was pregnant and did not care for me from what I can tell. Agreement started in july 04 has seen our child a total of approx 10 times guessing without looking at log. Cancelled numerous times, so our child does not have a bond with her father as of right now. He wants our child to start visiting at his house without me, I objected because I dont feel she knows her father enough to be in a strange place and with people she really doesnt know. If we went to court what would happen with our child. What type of visitiation would you guess he would have? Just curious. Thanks!!

Background for those who might not know my situation. My ex has had drug issues in the past along with domestic issues, and threats to me and our child in past. Thanks again.

 

[haiku]

well honestly, courts only give supervised visitation if there is a valid provable reason.

the reason there may be so much hositility between you all is the fact you are insisting on being there for the visits. The father should really have time alone with his child, in his own home, to bond without you there.

If he does take yo uto court ot make things official he will likely get what he is asking for.

With very young children court may start out with small frequent visits ALONE, throughout the week. progressing to overnights. Your ex may be able to prove he has already had his breaking in period though, so be prepared.

 

[krislild]

The reason I go is because he has threatened to take her and i would never see our child again. And without any kind of court order or established paternity he could do it and I would have to go to court and make everything legall before getting our daughter back. As far as him prooving he has established a relationship wouldn't my doucmentation of him cancelling 9 times out of 10 show he has not really put the effort? And the fact that my daughter freaks out when she cant see me during the visits that has happened and when she sees him and he trys to show affection she bites, slaps kicks all that horrible stuff. I am seriously afraid of him getting her alone because he does not work with me at all he acts like a j*** and does not try to be pleasant infront of child, if he has her over nights I am sure him and his wife will not allow her to talk to me and or will just ignore my calls.

 

[haiku]

well with a court order in place you won't have to worry about him not returning the kid. Really for your own peice of mind you might want to tell him you would be happy to go court and work out something that works for all 3 of you together, and make it all legal.

the fact is, he has had visitation, and whether or not overnights begin immediately, you have given no reasons for the court not to go with unsupervised visits.

All 2.5 year olds hate change, and they are also very sensitive to caregivers feelings, she can likely feel the animosity you 2 have for each other when in the same room.

usually for weekend visits, it is not made mandatory, for the CP to be able to call thier kid. you need to give the NCP and the child uninterupted time to bond.

Everyone is nervous when they first start offical visits but eventually you get more relaxed and the more you relax, the more the child does too.

 

[krislild]

Thanks for you advise I want to feel comfortable and I think my child does deserve a father. In my older posts I mentioned that he used drugs had drugs in the house where he wanted our child to stay. (meth lab) and denied it until I stumbled across it one day. (never had child there and thank god for that). Is that not grounds for intial vistitations to be supervised?

 

[djohnson]

It's also very hard for her to bond with him and especially his new family (she is a sister now) with you there. Depending on your responses, she will pick up on them. I agree a court order should be put in place to protect all involved, but I do think he would get the visitation.

 

[haiku]

Thanks for you advise I want to feel comfortable and I think my child does deserve a father. In my older posts I mentioned that he used drugs had drugs in the house where he wanted our child to stay. (meth lab) and denied it until I stumbled across it one day. (never had child there and thank god for that). Is that not grounds for intial vistitations to be supervised?

well is he a drug abuser? can you prove it with legal records, or is it just your word alone?

 

[krislild]

He says he does not use but he said that in the past. His entire family knows of his drug issue. Went to 2 re habs last year total of 1.5 months combined and has anger managment issues.

So I am supposed to say here you go XXX you have no bond with our child but take her and if she cries deal with it. He could not handle her for an hour alone much less over night. The one who would end up dealing or trying to deal with our child is his wife. I have not problems with her but I dont think she should be left to raise our child for XXX.

Im just trying to understand and deal with what may or may not happen. All I want is for our child to be happy, healthy, have a decently average life if not extrodinary (sp). So excuse me if I come off pushy or anything more.

 

[mrsbrown]

Unless there is legal documentation of the drug use and production I don't think it will matter. Basically because it is just your word. I am not sure how the rehab will come into play.

As far as them ignoring your phone calls. I don't think they have to answer the calls because this is to be a bonding time between the child and her other family.

If he can't handle her I am sure you will be getting a call to pick her up.

Just warning you so you can be prepared.

 

[djohnson]

And it's not the new wife that will be raising her, just bonding and spending time with her, just like a babysitter. If you want to try something smaller first then let him take her to his parents or to mcdonalds for the day. Let him have time to bond before you make it too much, but he can't bond with you hovering around close by incase something happens you don't like. He deserves a chance to be a father.

 

[krislild]

I haved tried all the above and i do not hover over I usually outside or in another room letting them have there time but she comes to me crying

 

[Silverplum]

I haved tried all the above and i do not hover over I usually outside or in another room letting them have there time but she comes to me crying

Because you are there. Duh.

 

[djohnson]

Exactly what I was gonna say.

As long as you are there, she CAN come to you crying, she isn't going to learn to go to him. She can't bond with him unless they can experience all of it together. I also can't imagine how uncomfortable he is in YOUR home trying to spend time with his daughter. I think your lucky he hasn't pushed for more already and that he cares enough to go by your rules so far. Just my opinion.

 

[huntersmommy06]

He says he does not use but he said that in the past. His entire family knows of his drug issue. Went to 2 re habs last year total of 1.5 months combined and has anger managment issues.

So I am supposed to say here you go XXX you have no bond with our child but take her and if she cries deal with it. He could not handle her for an hour alone much less over night. The one who would end up dealing or trying to deal with our child is his wife. I have not problems with her but I dont think she should be left to raise our child for XXX.

Im just trying to understand and deal with what may or may not happen. All I want is for our child to be happy, healthy, have a decently average life if not extrodinary (sp). So excuse me if I come off pushy or anything more.

My son is now 22 months old and began his overnights with his dad approximately 2 months ago. I was terrified as my husband never watched him or cared for him even while we were living as a family.

The first few times were hard on both my son and myself. My son still cries when I drop him off, but once I am out of sight he is fine and has a wonderful time with his dad.

We started the overnights gradually by increasing the weekend days by an hour or two and once he had our son for two consecutive 8 hour days, we went to one overnight for the next two weeks. Then on to whole weekends (if dad didn't have to work). Just a suggestion that may help you and baby adjust.

The longer you keep supervising, the harder it will be on both you and your child. Eventually he will have overnights and when that time comes you will need to prepare yourself for that and help your child adjust.

 

[krislild]

My ex has never been in my house we go to his moms house, So he is not the one who is uncomfortable its me. I have to be the one who sits there around his family. (im the outcast not him). And for your information it bites I hate it I would rather not be there but I am just trying to ease our child into bonding with her father.