Want custody...help!

[CMS1001]

What is the name of your state? Indiana/ Hawaii

I will try my best to keep this short. I have a four year old daughter who lives in Indiana with her mother. Her mother & I were never married...only dated for a very short time & were not together when my daughter was born. For the first two years she allowed me to see my daughter about once a week. Then she stopped letting me see her & filed papers suddenly to get child support (I had been giving her money, but wasn't through support order). I was at a time in my life that I felt it was best for me to join the military. I am currently active duty military stationed in Hawaii. I left shortly after the court date to set support/ visitation. After my training I married my now wife, whom I had been dating since my daughter was 4 months old. My wife loves my daughter & treats her wonderfully. My daughter loves my wife too. Anyway, I don't get to see my daughter very regularly because of the distance & cost. Finally we were able to convince my ex to let my daughter fly out to Hawaii to visit us. We flew home to get her & flew her back after a month long visit. We paid for all of this even though my ex said that she would help pay for my daughter's ticket. My daughter did NOT want to go back to her mother's after being with us. We have wanted to try to get custody for a while now, but felt it would be better to wait until we were married & knew we could provide a safe, comfortable, loving, stable home. There have been problems with the ex that cause us to feel that it is in my daughter's best interest to live with us. My ex lived with her mother for the first 2 to 2 1/2 years of my daughter's life. Everyone in that home smoked in the house. My daughter was born w/ respiratory problems. Also, my ex spent a lot of time running around & ended up pregnant by another guy. She had this baby & lived w/ this guy for a little while. Then she moved into an apartment, where there were several guys coming & going. Now there is currently another guy living with her off & on. My ex has been fired from a couple different jobs & has spent a lot of time without work. Also, she often pawns my daughter & her other child off with others to watch them while she goes out w/ friends. Furthermore, my daughter had to have four of her tiny teeth pulled at the age of three because they were so decayed from her mother constantly giving her sweets & not feeding her a healthy diet. She constantly eats high sugar meals, McDonalds every day & didn't know basically what a homecooked meal was when she came to visit. We recently found out that my ex has been smoking in the home w/ my daughter there.

I have two questions: 1) What is the likelihood of my wife & I getting custody of my daughter? How would visitation work w/ her mother if we got custody? 2) If we do nor attempt to get custody right now, what type of visitation should we be getting since the distance is so great & it is so expensive to fly back & forth? Should my ex be required to help pay to get my daughter out here for us to have visitation time with her?

Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated. Sorry I wrote so much, I thought that more info might be helpful in getting better advice. My wife & I love my daughter very much and only want the best possible situation for her. We want her to be safe, happy, healthy, and comfortable. Thank you!

 

[Neal1421]

I have two questions: 1) What is the likelihood of my wife & I getting custody of my daughter?

It is very unlikely that you would get custody of your child, based on the information you provided in your post.

All of the other questions are irrelevant.

There is too much distance and not enough change in circumstance for custody to be changed.

My opinion, the whole thing would be a waste of money. Save it and try to use the money to see your child.

Is there a visitation order in place?

 

[CMS1001]

Why are my other questions irrelevant? The visitation order just states that it is to go by the parenting time guidelines for our state. However, it would be impossible and entirely impractical for me to try to fly home to see my daughter every other weekend. So I was asking what type of visitation is typically set up in situations like this, since I have no control over where I live.

Also, maybe because you don't know the situation personally or mayeb for other reasons, but the circumstances are incredibly different. I feel that it is not the best situation for my daughter. Thank you for your input anyway.

 

[fairisfair]

the rest of it is irrelevant because it is your opinion only, not something that you can prove in a court of law. Are you so concerned with the living environment of your daughter that you have contacted child protective services, if not, why not? and so on and so on.

As for your child not wanting to go home, wow, well that just isn't that uncommon. She probably didn't want to leave to come to your house either.

You could ask for a modification where mom helps pay part of the travel expenses, but chances of you getting that, slim to none, you may not have control over where you live, but you do have control (or did at one time) over your career. You chose it.

I am in full agreement with Neal, whether you like it or not, it would be a complete waste of time, money and energy. Use it to see your daughter instead.

 

[MomTryin2Improv]

It sounds like you may have a better environment for your daughter than her mother does, but nothing in your posts suggests that she is UNFIT, which is what you would have to prove she is without having a significant change in circumstance.

Here is a suggestion for if you cannot become the primary custodian: I live in Colorado and my ex in Alaska....the Child Family Investigator in our case recommended that my daughter (who is 3) be with me for 3 months, with dad for 1 month, me for 3, and so on. This is only until she starts school FULL TIME, and was ordered so that her father can have a substantial relationship with her.

One thing you have to keep in mind is that my daughter LIVED WITH her father for a little over a year, so she did already have a pretty strong attachment to him. It doesn't sound to me that you have had regular (weekly) contact with her for the last 2 years or so, so I'm not sure that a judge would consider that type of arrangement, but it doesn't hurt to try.

I'm sure this isn't the advice you'd like to hear, but at least it is better than your current schedule?

*****Edited to remove a snide comment- Sorry Rmet, and Silver, and others who read it before this edit- temporary lapse in judgement*****

 

[Silverplum]

Don't start crap, Mom -- RMET has a lot of value.

CMS -- READ about what a change of custody takes. Don't bother to take the word of everyone here [ ]. Find out for yourself what a complete waste of time and money it would be. Because, yeah, I agree with everyone else. A waste. You've got nothing but your opinion and your want. And, in case you didn't know, your opinion and your want mean nothing in law.

Make sure the custody info you are reading is Indiana. Not HI, not anywhere else. Unless, of course, your orders are somehow still in another state, which they should not be.

 

[CMS1001]

I understand that it takes a change of circumstance or that her mother needs to be proved unfit.

It is NOT my opinion though that her mother's smoking has caused her to be in the hospital for respiratory problems. It is NOT my opinion that my ex is not able to keep a job and therefore my daughter's "income" is harmed by that. It is NOT my opinion that my daughter's teeth were pulled b/c of decay caused by a poor diet & failure by her mother to brush her teeth. It is NOT my opinion that my daughter is constantly being exposed to strange men that stay in her home.

My daughter did want to come see us. She had no reservation about leaving her mother. She never does when she comes to visit us. She is always more than excited and ready to leave, but then she cries & gets very upset when she has to go back to her mother's. Seemed a little strange to my wife & I at first too, but that is what happens.

Also, I don't understand how there is not a change of circumstance. I did not fight her for custody before because I was having military training so it isn't like she was awarded custody over me. This would be the first challenged "battle" for custody. From what we know since it is our personal situation, it seems as though there is enough of a change of circumstance & that the best interest of my daughter would be to live with us. I just thought I would see what those of you on here had to say. It seems like there are a lot of personal arguments & the questions don't necessarily get answered though. Maybe I'm wrong.

 

[Silverplum]

I understand that it takes a change of circumstance or that her mother needs to be proved unfit.

It is NOT my opinion though that her mother's smoking has caused her to be in the hospital for respiratory problems. It is NOT my opinion that my ex is not able to keep a job and therefore my daughter's "income" is harmed by that. It is NOT my opinion that my daughter's teeth were pulled b/c of decay caused by a poor diet & failure by her mother to brush her teeth. It is NOT my opinion that my daughter is constantly being exposed to strange men that stay in her home.

My daughter did want to come see us. She had no reservation about leaving her mother. She never does when she comes to visit us. She is always more than excited and ready to leave, but then she cries & gets very upset when she has to go back to her mother's. Seemed a little strange to my wife & I at first too, but that is what happens.

Also, I don't understand how there is not a change of circumstance. I did not fight her for custody before because I was having military training so it isn't like she was awarded custody over me. This would be the first challenged "battle" for custody. From what we know since it is our personal situation, it seems as though there is enough of a change of circumstance & that the best interest of my daughter would be to live with us. I just thought I would see what those of you on here had to say. It seems like there are a lot of personal arguments & the questions don't necessarily get answered though. Maybe I'm wrong.

*shrug*
Do whatever you want, as of course you will. You sound like a person who knows nothing of family law. You'll learn, in the courtroom and out of your wallet.

 

[MrsK]

I know of a situation VERY VERY similar to yours, OP.

Trust me when I tell you trying to get custody WILL be a waste of your money. The way your daughter is being raised & taken care of is not the way any normal, caring parent would do it, but the courts wont consider the mom to be unfit, and you will lose.

Save your $$.

 

[CMS1001]

Well thanks for your opinions I suppose. But it seems strange that I just got off the phone with a Family Law attorney from my daughter's state & from our discussion she seems to believe that I stand a fairly good chance of gaining custody of my daughter. She did say that I might expect to have to go to considerable lengths to work out a visitation schedule that would work for both myself & my ex, but she feels confident enough that I would get custody that she said she'd represent me if I wanted her to. I guess that just proves that next time I should just skip personal opinions & go straight to a legit source.

 

[Rushia]

Well thanks for your opinions I suppose. But it seems strange that I just got off the phone with a Family Law attorney from my daughter's state & from our discussion she seems to believe that I stand a fairly good chance of gaining custody of my daughter. She did say that I might expect to have to go to considerable lengths to work out a visitation schedule that would work for both myself & my ex, but she feels confident enough that I would get custody that she said she'd represent me if I wanted her to. I guess that just proves that next time I should just skip personal opinions & go straight to a legit source.

ROTFLMAO!!! Of course the attorney did, she wants your money.

 

[CMS1001]

Two words....Pro bono! this is what cracks me up about this site! People feeding off of other people's complicated situations!

 

[Halls]

I don't care if that lawyer is probono or not. You do not have enough to get custody. Your wife is not the mother to your daughter.

And if you were so concerned with your daughter before you got married why didn't you seek to get custody of than? Why are you waiting now till you are married and have a stable life?

I've seen mom's who sound much worse not only keep their kids, but dads lose completely and pay up in child support. Quite a few on here are lawyers and will tell you the same thing, you can go for custody all you want but in the end it will not end up like you want and will be a huge mess!!

Be warned, you are making a huge mistake. Trying to take a child away from her mother with what you got on her is going to create a huge mess!

 

[Halls]

By the way, a lawyer can say one thing to your face to get you excited, but a judge still decides. I had a lawyer like that and so did my sons father and neither one of us walked away out of court with what we wanted. We both lost in the end! You will end up the same. I'd love for you to come back on here and tell us how it went just so I Can tell you I told you so.

 

[StickyFingers]

I have a four year old daughter who lives in Indiana with her mother. Her mother & I were never married...only dated for a very short time & were not together when my daughter was born. For the first two years she allowed me to see my daughter about once a week. Then she stopped letting me see her & filed papers suddenly to get child support (I had been giving her money, but wasn't through support order). I was at a time in my life that I felt it was best for me to join the military. I am currently active duty military stationed in Hawaii. I left shortly after the court date to set support/ visitation.

OK..so you haven't seen you child for a couple years? Or have seen her "few and far between" since she has been born.

Duh!! Of-course she is excited and wants to spend more time with you! There has been very little contact between you two.

When are BOTH parents going to learn that a child(ren) is going to tend to want to spend a lot of time with the absent parent? It is only natural. It does not necessarily mean that the primary parent is neglecting or mistreating the child(ren) in any way. It has more to do with the child's feelings.

Do you and your new wife have kids together?