I'm going to assume you meant bruises and scars metaphorically...
Okay, here's the problem. Mom is only a trainwreck to your standards. Not in a legal sense. Now, if you are concerned about his emotional well being, tgan maybe a third unbiased party may be in order. Like a counselor? Because no matter what, the "trainwreck" will always be present in his life. And will always have an influence on him and you cannot dictate that. Ever. What you can do is provide your child with coping skills for future instances where he will need to be able to adjust to not having everything all rosy. Life isn't like that.
And to point out something, i want you to read your post back, and find how many times you actually stated the child is being harmed. What are the affects to the child that you have already listed. Not mom. The child. What is wrong with the child?
Yes, I definitely mean metaphorically - there is no physical abuse that I can see or I'd have called DFACS already.
The explanation of what's happening to my son, and how I see my ex causing or contributing to it, is of course lengthy. The future implications are even lengthier - I won't list them here, but if you're interested let me know and I'll send you that info.
For one, our son has ADD. The lack of addressing of this problem on my ex's part has done him a disservice (the well researched and documented effects of untreated ADD, via medication or otherwise, are horrible on a child's school performance and socialization). After 5 months of some pretty stressful email exchanges, my ex has finally agreed to acknowledgment and treatment. In the meantime, he's the one who suffered.
For the comorbid problems, we have had one family visit with a counselor (parents only), and are awaiting mental health benefits to be approved in order to start my son on visits. He has been tentatively diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant/Conduct Disorder, awaiting future evaluation with the therapist.
Symptoms Our Son exhibits (and if you'd like to see specific examples I can provide them):
*Often starts arguments and will not give up
*Constant/compulsive lying
*Blames all his problems on others
*Lack of physical boundaries
*Threatens/bullies others
*Cruelty to animals
The Causes:
Oppositional Defiant Disorder:
1) Limits set by parents are too harsh or too lax, or an inconsistent mix of both.
...I believe this is key. I have consistent rules in my home - and my ex does not. In our first ADD evaluation visit with the pediatrician, where our son was present, the doctor herself asked our son questions about his routines, and most answers he gave went like this: "well, at my dad's house, I always xyz, but at my mom's house, I don't have to." There is a definite inconsistent mix.
2) Family life lacks clear structure; rules, limits, and discipline are uncertain or inconsistently applied.
...see #1 above.
3) At least one parent models oppositional behavior in his or her own interactions with others. For example, mother or father may get into frequent disputes with neighbors, store clerks, other family members, etc., in front of the child.
...I really can't say whether or not this happens in her home in front of him. I can only say it's not how we interact in my home.
4) At least one parent is emotionally or physically unavailable to the child due to emotional problems of the parent (such as depression), separation or divorce, or work hours.
...I can say this does not happen in our home. As for my ex, I proved this was happening in our 2008 trial, via my ex's internet addiction, with documentation. The judge determined that the internet time was a 'sort of support system' for her, and deemed it a 'good thing'.
Conduct Disorder:
"There is a strong correlation between children diagnosed with conduct disorder and a significant level of family dysfunction, poor parenting practices, an overemphasis on coercion and hostile communication patterns, verbal and physical aggression and a history of maltreatment"
Regarding the poor parenting practices, I believe (whether the court does or not is a different story) that the lack of structure documented at the ADD evaluation, and the following issues, which I don't know how to prove, but exist, are poor parenting practices:
1) Weekly homework often not done when I pick my son up on Thursday afternoons, leaving that visitation night to be spent guiding him through a week's worth of homework
2) Poor nutrition (e.g., jelly [just jelly] sandwich and water for lunch); doesn't happen every day, but happens at least 2-3 times a month
3) Tired because he slept on the couch in front of the TV (on a schoolnight - he's 7); again not every day, 2-3 times a month
The common themes in the causes are lack of structure, and hostile communication.
The above information, coupled with the 4 residential moves and 2 school moves since the 2008 order, demonstrate the lack of structure I feel are directly caused by my ex. I do not see any stability in the environment she provides him.
Again, I really can't speak for the communication style in my ex's life. I only know her communication style with me, and I would like to think that the 'unique hostility' she has toward me contributes to her communication style with me. It's my hope that this is not her universal communication style. The communication style in my household couldn't be further from hostile. My wife and I both had horribly acerbic initial marriages, and one of the most sacred values of our marriage is to be respectful to each other, even in anger.
The treatment for *all three* of the above disorders, in addition to the standard medication and therapy, involves structure, routine, and stability in the child's home life.
There was a reader earlier who stated 7 was 'a bit early' to be worrying about diagnosing my son - such an ignorant statement when you research these conditions and see the importance of early diagnosis and treatment in order to try to develop healthy patterns in the affected child's life, as well as the disturbing implications of non-treatment.
So that's it in an enormous nutshell. I'm doing absolutely everything I can on my end to help my son; what I'm doing now may be all I can do. But my hope is that a judge allows me to provide consistent stability in his life on a daily basis, because for the last 3 years I don't see that he's getting that with his mother, and her latest decision is right on track with the historical ones.
