What constitutes significant change in circumstance?

[LdiJ]

Dad, let me ask you some questions.

Is mom a good mother? Other than the Disneyland parent bit, but otherwise, is she a good mother? Does she love your children just as much as you do? Does she care for them well?

The reason why I ask this, is because older children do sometimes gravitate to the same sex parent, and want more time with that parent. Therefore, your daughter's wishes could be more than just because mom is doing the Disneyland bit.

Does your daughter have a lot of friends? Is she popular in school? Does she have any reason why she might like a fresh start somewhere else? Normally a teen would have no interest in leaving their friends and their school. Therefore, if your daughter really wants to go with mom, then there may be more involved than just mom as well.

You have a better than decent shot at winning a court battle. However, you also have the option of truly thinking about what is in the best interest of each of your children, (and it may not be the same for both of them) and perhaps negotiating something with mom that avoids a full fledged court battle.

 

[ProPerDoper]

An attempt to be objective and a very subjective matter:

Dad, let me ask you some questions.

Is mom a good mother? Other than the Disneyland parent bit, but otherwise, is she a good mother? Does she love your children just as much as you do? Does she care for them well?

The reason why I ask this, is because older children do sometimes gravitate to the same sex parent, and want more time with that parent. Therefore, your daughter's wishes could be more than just because mom is doing the Disneyland bit.

Does your daughter have a lot of friends? Is she popular in school? Does she have any reason why she might like a fresh start somewhere else? Normally a teen would have no interest in leaving their friends and their school. Therefore, if your daughter really wants to go with mom, then there may be more involved than just mom as well.

You have a better than decent shot at winning a court battle. However, you also have the option of truly thinking about what is in the best interest of each of your children, (and it may not be the same for both of them) and perhaps negotiating something with mom that avoids a full fledged court battle.

Mom does love our kids. Mom is a decent person...intelligent, and no criminal. Problem is that mom is very likely BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) as suspected by a clinician (yet not formally diagnosed) who worked with our daughter. Mom has a strong personal vendetta against me, as she's angry that her efforts to bury me with her past attorneys did not work. Additionally, past childhood trauma causes her to target me with her hostility.

Daughter is popular in school, with plenty of friends. I have her seeing her counselor once again, (Phd therapist) who is very good. (Runs a non-profit organization to help with blended family issues, has published several books, etc) She just recently diagnosed my daughter as having severe anxiety, and we're just getting in touch with what that means and how to deal with it via cognitive therapy, and/or meds if required, and if she's med compliant.

If I thought that mom could be anything close to rational I'd do anything to avoid a court battle, and I don't hold out much hope that the court mediator will be able to help. (He's very good, but never able to gain compromise from mom) I'd even consider allowing our teenage daughter to try living with mom on a temporary basis subject to review. I can't trust that mom would adhere to any agreement though, once she has our daughter in school some 5 hours away. In fact, I have great concern that she won't return the kids after the summer schedule with her, and might simply enroll the kids there. (She's done this in the past, and the police had to enforce the order of custody with me during the school year)

While all of the questions and suggestions here by most who responded are good, the situation is made somewhat difficult given the fact that mom is highly irrational.

I do appreciate your suggestions, and will try to think over some of your points.

 

[MichaCA]

My two cents regarding custody evaluators. There are good ones and biased ones, ones that unduly are influenced by one parents position than the others.

I underwent a custody eval years ago in CA. Overall I think he did a good job. He was considered (in the judges words) "the best evaluator Sonoma County has". I learned since then of another custody evaluator at that time that was supposed to also be excellent. My point is before I asked for the evaluation, I researched around to find out who the top evaluators are, IMO that = unbiased/professional to the t...the interviews with the kids...special questions for the kids if parental alienation is a possibility. My ex could have also requested a different custody evaluator but we went with my pick... so if you end up with a court order for a new custody eval...do your research first on the best evaluators so you can at least ask for that evaluator in court, state your preference over if mom handpicks one that has a rep for being mom biased. Of course, as you well know, the judge rules in the end.

After our custody eval, after being continually taken back to court myself over every nickle and dime issue, twice I requested our evaluator step back in and we came to call these times "mini updates". Both times the judge did grant these updates...one was a emergency situation so a no brainer.

I learned during the initial full blown custody eval that a law had just changed in CA...don't know the statutes, etc., I had an attorney...but that where previously (before 2002) the custody eval goes into the settlement hearing with a judge...it gets fine tuned but the judge basically could order the eval recommendations into the court order, now the law is a judge cannot force the parties to settle on the eval's recommendations, so basically if you or your ex disagree with the recommendations, absolutely nothing can be done (unless that law has since changed and I don't know about it)...and if one parent does oppose the recommendations, the only way to get that into effect is by taking the whole thing to a trail. I had to do that as my ex refused to go with the custody eval recommendations.

One time I was able to get an agreement with my ex, per the court ordering a update for us...that we both would automatically put the eval's recommendations into a court order...no hearing, no trial, etc...it would be a done deal and that was a binding agreement.

I am also (like your ex) wanting a update/not the full thing...and have been curious if I ever get my butt into the court room...if my ex would be willing to make that agreement to automatically put the recommendations into a court order. If he says he's not willing, I worry about having put out bucks on the update (update itself is $2,000 but hopefully split two ways), only to have it go nil and be forced back into attorney land and the excessive litigation.

I hope that helps some way in working out the pros and cons in your situation as to what areas you have some control, and the areas you don't. Thanks...good luck to you.

PS. The first eval....the judge didn't want to order it as there were no abuse, addictions, criminal stuff going on....I finally offered to pay the whole thing. Worse case scenerio, you really don't want to go through another eval...but maybe you can get the judge, if they order it, to have mom pay the full amount of the evaluation.

 

[ProPerDoper]

Update

Thought I'd provide an update on this situation....

After spending the summer months with mom, daughter decided that she didn't want to live there after all.

She also realized that her chances of ever having a close relationship with mom are slim, given her ability to watch mom and grandma in their dysfunctional interaction. Mom really doesn't have the ability to be close with anyone.

Daughter is back at school, focused on her work, and her attitude here at home is better than ever. Yes, I expect more bumps in the road, and hopefully daughter will continue to make progress and grow with her counselor, but we're grateful for the summer experience that allowed her to figure this out on her own, and proud of the maturity she's shown.

 

[LdiJ]

Thought I'd provide an update on this situation....

After spending the summer months with mom, daughter decided that she didn't want to live there after all.

She also realized that her chances of ever having a close relationship with mom are slim, given her ability to watch mom and grandma in their dysfunctional interaction. Mom really doesn't have the ability to be close with anyone.

Daughter is back at school, focused on her work, and her attitude here at home is better than ever. Yes, I expect more bumps in the road, and hopefully daughter will continue to make progress and grow with her counselor, but we're grateful for the summer experience that allowed her to figure this out on her own, and proud of the maturity she's shown.

Dad, I am truly happy to hear that. I am sure that it takes a lot of weight off of you.