what do we do

[billiewood]

What is the name of your state?NC

I think my step daughter's mom is telling her to act out when she comes to our house if she doesn't get her way. Just some of the things she says to try to get under her dad's skin can not be stuff she is coming up with on her on she is only 8 and some of the stuff she says I have heard her mom say to her dad. It is really getting old she ruins her brother and my 2 boys weekend when she does this. Then this past weekend when she started showing out her dad wanted to spank her but I told him he was to mad too do that at that moment to just let her sit in the bedroom and cry while the rest of us watched the movie. So he then being upset with her got mad with me and we started arguing. So when me and him were not talking she decided she was happy again her dad was like ok why are you happy all of a sudden and she said because I got what I wanted So i was like what me and your dad arguing and she said yeah all smiling like hahaha I said well I hope you are happy then.
Well her mom called me Sunday when the kids got home and cussed me up and down saying I was not going to talk to her daughter like that and blah blah. She went home and told her mom I started yelling at her saying I hope you are happy now you got wanted you me and your dad arguing. But that is not what happend I told her mom she needed to set down and talk to her and find out what really happened. So she starts this oh so you are calling her a liar I was like no but that is not what really happened. I just hung up on her. Then she called back and talked to my husband and pretty much told him he need to decided what he wanted. He was like what are you talking about he said I don't need to decide anything you need to set down and talk to her.

What do we do I just don't understand. I am thinking her mother is just miserable with her life and relationship and is trying to make our life miserable to.
So should I keep a record of everything that happens?

 

[laurakaycraig]

From personal experience: NEVER say to a child no matter who it is "see what you have done" that really plays on a child's mind. Now becuase she is getting confusion from home You and your husband has to be strong enough Adult enough to leave it outside. It does not come into your home. (the attitude) Dad cant say to his daughter anything negative about mom. MUM's the word. Even if she acts out still show her love and affection. Remember its not her acting out because she wants to . She has a little mind. She is reacting to confusion in her life. You cant stop mom from that but you can stop what is said in your home. If she says "mommy says" politely say okay sweetheart let's talk about something fun, or play with her. Allow her to focus on good instead of bad. Never Never say your mom shouldnt Say or do that. That is badgering her mom, she is a part of her mom like she is a part of her dad. When we speak of the other parent we are speaking of the child they are half of ourselves. I learned today love your child more than you hate your ex.

Yes keep records, but if it is words from the child, it wont do much . You have to have physical proof or from a crediabl witness. (counselor,teacher,pastor,) someone who can identify it is harming the mental welfare of the child.

Remember when she is there dont allow "mom" to ruin the precious time with your family" thru the child simply be cool and show love to the child. it will all then work itself out.

Most people who are miserable with themselves - gets great pleasure in making others just the same. We can be stronger tho without lowering ourselves to them. Never bow down to misery

Good Luck

 

[djohnson]

Keeping a record can't hurt. Other than that, there is nothing wrong with setting limits for her. Most NCP don't want to punish on their time as it is limited. This causes a problem in the whold household, especially if there is other children involved. I say sit house rules, sit her and all kids down and explain what will not be tolerated and what the punishment is. You don't care what the reasons are, and stick to it. It may or may not be mom, she may be trying limits on her own. I think they all do that from time to time.

 

[StepMommyNC]

What is the name of your state?NC

I think my step daughter's mom is telling her to act out when she comes to our house if she doesn't get her way. Just some of the things she says to try to get under her dad's skin can not be stuff she is coming up with on her on she is only 8 and some of the stuff she says I have heard her mom say to her dad. It is really getting old she ruins her brother and my 2 boys weekend when she does this. Then this past weekend when she started showing out her dad wanted to spank her but I told him he was to mad too do that at that moment to just let her sit in the bedroom and cry while the rest of us watched the movie. So he then being upset with her got mad with me and we started arguing. So when me and him were not talking she decided she was happy again her dad was like ok why are you happy all of a sudden and she said because I got what I wanted So i was like what me and your dad arguing and she said yeah all smiling like hahaha I said well I hope you are happy then.
Well her mom called me Sunday when the kids got home and cussed me up and down saying I was not going to talk to her daughter like that and blah blah. She went home and told her mom I started yelling at her saying I hope you are happy now you got wanted you me and your dad arguing. But that is not what happend I told her mom she needed to set down and talk to her and find out what really happened. So she starts this oh so you are calling her a liar I was like no but that is not what really happened. I just hung up on her. Then she called back and talked to my husband and pretty much told him he need to decided what he wanted. He was like what are you talking about he said I don't need to decide anything you need to set down and talk to her.

What do we do I just don't understand. I am thinking her mother is just miserable with her life and relationship and is trying to make our life miserable to.
So should I keep a record of everything that happens?

Situations like this really upset me. If her Mom instructs her to initiate fights or conflicts between your husband and you, don't fight. You and your husband should sit down and talk about this. You and him have to be on the same side. If she is playing her little "games", don't play along with it. Don't let her manipulate you. Usually divorce decrees state that both parents are prohibited to talk bad about the other parent, at least in mine it says that and I wouldn't dare to talk bad about my X around my children, after all he is their father. I would definitely keep a record of what happened and everything that might happen in the future.

 

[billiewood]

never say to a child "see what you have done"


First this never came out of my mouth.

We never put her mom down we never talk bad to her about her mom. Her mom is the one that has the daughter call over saying I am going to have to go barefooted to school because mom said you want by me any shoes. We had already bought her 4 pair for the year not to mention he pays CS. Her mom told her her dad was an alcoholic and always talks mean to her and scares her. Yeah we drink on occasion but it is on the weekend and normally when we don't have kids because we are always doing something with them and we do not drink during the week at all we have very demanding jobs. She brought up the dad being an alcoholic at the house one day when she saw him drink a beer I tried to explain to her what an alcoholic was but I don't think it done any good. Now she goes around telling everyone her dad is an alcoholic so her dad asked her Mom why are you telling her this. Her response is well you do drink so my husband was like yeah but that does not make me and alcoholic or mean person you and your boyfriend drink but I don't think you are an alcoholic. It is like every thing is fine for a month or so but then the mom comes up with some reason to call and find something to fuss about and make threats. She has told me I didn't want her to come to my house she was going to beat my a$$.
I just told her she need to grow up that her threats did not bother me. What else do I say. I am not trying to do no arguing or fighting in front of my kids our theirs.

 

[laurakaycraig]

Im sorry: i meant even the words " hope you are happy now" is way too much for a 8 yr old. I have a 8 yr old daughter and she is very sensitive to everything. But she also gets confused on why Mom and Dad dont get along. Words may not be said in front of them but children can sense everything. It all even in the way Mom is said. Or even speaking of the subject Mom or Dad.
We as parents have to do the weighing out problems for the kids. we cant let them take responsiblity for our actions. They did not create the problem. The divorced parents did.
If she continues to act out i would still seek counseling. I would rather do that then take actions in court over daughteres and mom's behavior. All it will do is add more stress to the little girl. What she needs most of all. Is Mom and Dad getting along. For the Sake of the kids that's all.

A child is a product of their enviroment!!!!!! Where there is love there will be love, where there is anger there will be anger.
You and your husband take the first step be kind, settle patient, loving and trust me that will conquer all. Mom will see she is not winning and will give up trying. Dont mean in a weeks time. But someone has to take the first baby step. Who will it be?

 

[Just Blue]

Has family counselling been discussed? This sounds like a very hurt and confused little girl.

 

[titansfan]

the childs mom needs her butt kicked

this childs mom needs a good swift kick where she sits down. shame on her! i hope she realizes that shes only hurting her daughter, and stops the bs.

 

[billiewood]

Consuling

The littel girl was in consuling. My husband ask to go but the mother told him he was not allowed but he found out the doctors name and called and went and talked to him and the doctor told him when the next appointment was. So my husband just showed up the mother didn't know how to act. The doctor told my husband I have been asking for you to come but the mother has been telling me you have not been able to, didn't have time, couldn't take of work etc. My husband had already told the doctor in their prior meeting he had been asking to come but the mother told him no. I think the doctor did that in front of her to see what her reaction would be. My husband said she just kinda looked down at the floor and didn't know what to say.
Guess what after that my step-daughter only went to counsuling a few more times after that then for some reason we do not know the mother stopped taking her. My husband asked his daughter what happend to consuling and she said I don't know.
I do know after that meeting with both of them there his ex called and said that the consular said the he needed to have some consuling and take some parenting classing because he seemed to have some anger issues and that the consuler was recommending someone for her to go talk to too because their was things that she was not handling right and needed to learn the right way to handle certain citutations.
So my husband got in touch with the cousuler again and he said he never suggested that my husband see anyone or take any parenting classes or had any anger issues. He told my husband I have not spoken with you enough to suggest anything like that at this time but I did suggest something to the mother. He told my husband he did want him to start coming to the sessions with his daughter and ex but next thing we knew the mother stopped the sessions.
What do you do?

 

[billiewood]

Titansfan
this childs mom needs a good swift kick where she sits down. shame on her! i hope she realizes that shes only hurting her daughter, and stops the bs.

Oh that thought has run thru my mind on a few occasion. I bite my tongue a lot. Though I have told her before she needed to grow up and stop trying cause fights. Her response was f you. Very mature person I am telling you.

 

[kat1963]

This child can get all the counseling in the world but nothing is going to change in the near future simply because she is a child & the three of you are ADULTS. Start acting like it. Since Dad & Mom aren’t here but you are, then you are the one to *hear it*. This is coming from experience and isn’t meant to be rude. YOU need to disengage completely. Completely means you say & do nothing. You leave the room, go outside, take a long hot bath..whatever makes you calm. What has all this arguing in front of all those children accomplished? Nothing except you two fought in front of children (I’m sure they enjoyed it). The problem is STILL there. Dad probably feels like his hands are tied. Instead of finding help for the situation you escalated it with your own feelings & emotions. You do realize that the reason men & women don’t think alike is because women use more of their brains for language & emotion then men do. You can’t fight the fact that he will always feel differently, that’s just the way it is. All the screaming in the world isn’t going to change it either because he is UNABLE to *get it* in the same way you do. When you picked up the phone & listened to biomom rant what did that do? Nothing but get your blood pressure up, aged you another 6 months & allowed biomom to accomplish her goal: to cause disharmony in your house. Since what you have been doing isn’t working, I suggest the following. You totally disengage from everything. If the child needs to be disciplined, let her DAD do it. If she says something crappy to you, ignore it as if it never happened. She wants an emotional response (she is woman after all!). If the phone rings & it’s the biohag, let DAD answer it. Better yet, get caller ID & no one answers EVER it unless there is an emergency with the child. Have DAD contact the child’s school, they have counselors available perhaps that will help. You have fun times with the child. You bake cookies with the child (and NO you aren’t allowed to send the ones with Exlax home), you do her nails, and you garden with her, go to the zoo, the mall. Watch some sappy little girl movies. You are the stepmom and you aren’t involved in the crap that is going on between the two parents, you are the one that gives that girl & yourself some peace.
Good Luck.
KAT

 

[stealth2]

Pretty much my thoughts.

 

[titansfan]

moms needs her mouth washed out

next time she starts cussing you, get a bar of soap and stick it in her mouth-she sounds liike she needs her mouth washed out. i hope her daughter isnt going to pick up moms bad habit and start cussing people.

 

[billiewood]

There was no yelling and screaming. I do not scream or yell at my kids much less anyone elses. I do not stop him from discplining his children I just told him he did not need to spank her right then because he was so mad I knew if he did he would most likely hurt her more than intended. I would be scared her mom would say he is abusing her if she went home saying how bad her dad spanked her. I also need to make something clear I did not make clear the first time when we were fussing it was in our bedroom not in front of the children.
I have keep my mouth shut I try to stay out of what goes on between him and his ex. I do ignore her calls when her number shows up on my caller id but when she called the last time it came up restricted. I thougt it was my mom or grandma.
And it is kind of hard to stay out of it when the daughter goes home and makes up stories on me. She even went home one time and told her mom I hit her. I have never touched her. I think when she goes home and says these things to her mom I have a right to get in it and say something to defend myself.

 

[stealth2]

Except that you made it clear that the child was aware of the argument/aftermath.