what do we do

[haiku]

This child can get all the counseling in the world but nothing is going to change in the near future simply because she is a child & the three of you are ADULTS. Start acting like it. Since Dad & Mom aren’t here but you are, then you are the one to *hear it*. This is coming from experience and isn’t meant to be rude. YOU need to disengage completely. Completely means you say & do nothing. You leave the room, go outside, take a long hot bath..whatever makes you calm. What has all this arguing in front of all those children accomplished? Nothing except you two fought in front of children (I’m sure they enjoyed it). The problem is STILL there. Dad probably feels like his hands are tied. Instead of finding help for the situation you escalated it with your own feelings & emotions. You do realize that the reason men & women don’t think alike is because women use more of their brains for language & emotion then men do. You can’t fight the fact that he will always feel differently, that’s just the way it is. All the screaming in the world isn’t going to change it either because he is UNABLE to *get it* in the same way you do. When you picked up the phone & listened to biomom rant what did that do? Nothing but get your blood pressure up, aged you another 6 months & allowed biomom to accomplish her goal: to cause disharmony in your house. Since what you have been doing isn’t working, I suggest the following. You totally disengage from everything. If the child needs to be disciplined, let her DAD do it. If she says something crappy to you, ignore it as if it never happened. She wants an emotional response (she is woman after all!). If the phone rings & it’s the biohag, let DAD answer it. Better yet, get caller ID & no one answers EVER it unless there is an emergency with the child. Have DAD contact the child’s school, they have counselors available perhaps that will help. You have fun times with the child. You bake cookies with the child (and NO you aren’t allowed to send the ones with Exlax home), you do her nails, and you garden with her, go to the zoo, the mall. Watch some sappy little girl movies. You are the stepmom and you aren’t involved in the crap that is going on between the two parents, you are the one that gives that girl & yourself some peace.
Good Luck.
KAT

THIS.

(should be kept on file, and used everytime we get a confused stepmom here.)

 

[billiewood]

yeah they all knew about it but most kids know when there parents are arguing weither they hear it our not. They easily sense tension.

 

[stealth2]

And then the two of you confirmed to the kid that you were fighting about her. Maybe what should also be considered is some parenting classes. 'Cause the two of you are not blameless in this either.

 

[billiewood]

(should be kept on file, and used everytime we get a confused stepmom here.)


Well I am not confused about anything.
People can say you need to "disengage" yourself real easily and I have tired that. But when the mom is the one that starts bashing me to my ex or the daugther goes and tells her mom things that are not true about me. I am going to say something. I am not going to stay out of it.

 

[billiewood]

And then the two of you confirmed to the kid that you were fighting about her.

We never told her we were arguing about her.
When we came out of the bedroom. She was sitting on the couch and told her dad I am ready to watch the movie now. His response ok what made you happy all of a sudden and she said I got what I wanted he said what was that and she said you arguing. He said so that makes you happy and she said yes. I did say well I am glad you are happy. Then that was that.

He has tried to talk to her mother about the situation. At one time her mother wanted all of us including me and her boyfriend to sit down and talk about what could be done but when the time came me and dad where there but mom sent boyfriend to say she was not coming for whatever reason I don't know.

 

[brisgirl825]

(should be kept on file, and used everytime we get a confused stepmom here.)


Well I am not confused about anything.
People can say you need to "disengage" yourself real easily and I have tired that. But when the mom is the one that starts bashing me to my ex or the daugther goes and tells her mom things that are not true about me. I am going to say something. I am not going to stay out of it.

Well that's really mature of you. If you're not going to take anyone's advice and keep things going how they are, then stop whining about it. Go on with the status quo and see how fun your life is for the next 10 yrs.

 

[stealth2]

So he then being upset with her got mad with me and we started arguing. So when me and him were not talking she decided she was happy again her dad was like ok why are you happy all of a sudden and she said because I got what I wanted So i was like what me and your dad arguing and she said yeah all smiling like hahaha I said well I hope you are happy then.

Why is it that I find your original description of how it went more likely to be accurate?

 

[billiewood]

If you're not going to take anyone's advice and keep things going how they are, then stop whining about it.

I never said I wasn't taking anyone's advice and I am not whining.
What I said was you can easily say "disengage" yourself.
I have tried. Did a good job at for over 2 years. Had a great relationship with my stepdaugther. Stayed out of my husband and his ex's disputes. I still try to do things with my stepdaughter but she doesn't want too.
I started getting in it when the ex brought me in it and the daughter started telling her mother things about me that were not the truth. I have a right to defend myself Do I not?
Also if I am such a bad person like my step daughter says to her mom then why does my stepson always want to stay with me, he wants to go where ever I go. Begs to stay when it is time to go home.

 

[brisgirl825]

If you're not going to take anyone's advice and keep things going how they are, then stop whining about it.

I never said I wasn't taking anyone's advice and I am not whining.
What I said was you can easily say "disengage" yourself.
I have tried. Did a good job at for over 2 years. Had a great relationship with my stepdaugther. Stayed out of my husband and his ex's disputes. I still try to do things with my stepdaughter but she doesn't want too.
I started getting in it when the ex brought me in it and the daughter started telling her mother things about me that were not the truth. I have a right to defend myself Do I not?
Also if I am such a bad person like my step daughter says to her mom then why does my stepson always want to stay with me, he wants to go where ever I go. Begs to stay when it is time to go home.

Step children often have issues with step parents. I can't tell you what the issues are at your home. All I can say is that mom can only influence her daughter's behavior, she can't influence yours or your husband's. What happens between the two of you, is all your own making.
If SD doesn't want a relationship, don't force it. Do the necessary things and stay out of it.
This stress will likely cause much bigger problems.

 

[billiewood]

If SD doesn't want a relationship, don't force it. Do the necessary things and stay out of it.


I don't try to force it I know that is not going to do any good. I will stay out and have stayed out of it until my step daughter started telling mom things that were not true. That is the main problem I am having. We use to have a good relationship go shopping do nails all that good stuff. It all changed about 2 months ago. Then the lies started her telling her mom things that never happened like me hitting her. Then she started this thing with her dad saying he didn't need me she could do everything for him. I don't understand what went wrong.

 

[Nikki74]

And it is kind of hard to stay out of it when the daughter goes home and makes up stories on me. She even went home one time and told her mom I hit her. I have never touched her. I think when she goes home and says these things to her mom I have a right to get in it and say something to defend myself.

Your step-daughter is telling her mom what mom wants to hear. We had the same problem with my step-daughter. Even though we took her to Worlds of Fun one year, she told her mom she had no fun and highlighted the down times of the trip. Even though she had a blast!! This went on from about age 8 or 9 until 13. She is now 14 and wants to live with us and is mad at her mom for all the bad things she always said about her dad. Everyone told us that one day she would see the truth and she did. Just keep a journal and one day the child may say she wants to live with dad. And remember that she is just a child. She does what she sees. You can be a big and postive influence on her. One day you could be proud that you are part of the reason your step-daughter turned into the person she turns into.

 

[billiewood]

Your step-daughter is telling her mom what mom wants to hear. We had the same problem with my step-daughter. Even though we took her to Worlds of Fun one year, she told her mom she had no fun and highlighted the down times of the trip. Even though she had a blast!! This went on from about age 8 or 9 until 13. She is now 14 and wants to live with us and is mad at her mom for all the bad things she always said about her dad. Everyone told us that one day she would see the truth and she did. Just keep a journal and one day the child may say she wants to live with dad. And remember that she is just a child. She does what she sees. You can be a big and postive influence on her. One day you could be proud that you are part of the reason your step-daughter turned into the person she turns into.

I was thinking that same thing for a while. Yeah that sounds like my SD. We take her somewhere she has a blast but the story she gave mom was totally different. So this could just be a stage she is going thru.

 

[Nikki74]

She probably spends more time at moms then she does at dads. So she has to be on "moms side" so there is peace. When she reaches the rebelious stage that could and probably will change.

 

[billiewood]

Well we have the kids pretty much every weekend and when we are off. She stays with her mother's mom more than anything. You know how grandparents are they let the grandkids get away with murder. But she takes care of her and everything she needs. Her grandmother and I keep her in a lot of activites her grandmother pays for cheerleading, I paid for dance. Her dad had to fight tooth and nail with mom to get a picture of her in her dance outfit and we were the ones who paid for the pictures.

 

[note4me]

It sounds to me that your stepdaughter is confused at where she is at in terms of how she should be at your house and how she should be when she's around her mom. She wants to please her mom, because if what you say that she spends most of her time with her grandma and less with her mom, she'll try to win her approval. She will reallize later that no matter what she does won't gain her attention and won't spend time with her as she wants her mom to do. How long ago was the divorce? It could be that she's not accepting to your relationship with her father. AT this age, they tend to feel they want their parents together regardless of who's in the picture. Look at the movie, Parent's trap for example. I think both you and your husband need to sit down with her and confront her on the issues subtly. I think you need to remind her that you are in no position to take after your mom but just want to be there if she ever needs you. And both you and your husband need to talk aside with no kids around and decide together what the best way to discipline her and stick it together rather than cause an arguement because he did something or might do something that may not be comfortable, the daughter knows this and took advantage of it. She pushed buttons until her dad get mad. She didn't see you defending her, so that's a mute point, you just need to work it out with the husband and work together in agreeing with actions, maybe clearing the throat may suggest to calm down and take a step aside. If she acts up, tell her to go to another room and speak with her behavior, rather than have your kids around so it can be more entertaining for her.