What options do I have?

[bcr229]

Really? Your suggestion for the OP once the divorce is filed to to THEN ask for marriage counseling? I'm sure the OP's gonna love it once a default judgment is entered.

No, if his wife has NOT filed for divorce then I suggested marriage counseling. If she has then I wish him luck.

 

[Zigner]

No, if his wife has NOT filed for divorce then I suggested marriage counseling. If she has then I wish him luck.

Fair enough.

 

[rileymib81]

Finally got a phone call from them about my oldest school arrangements. They want me to drive 45 minutes to pick him up and then turn around and drop him off at school. I work at 8 and he can't be at school earlier than 8:25. Then after school drop him back off. How would that even be possible? I countered with me picking him up after work, and him staying the night with me. I would make arrangements to get him to school. They can either pick him up after school and I continue picking him up after work or he can just stay the week with me and have a babysitter for those few hours. The school is right across the street from my house btw. I'm again being ignored. They want me to jump through hoops but seemingly don't want to put in any effort.

 

[stealth2]

There's really no need for you to return the child(ren) after p/u. You are a parent and are well within your right to do so. However, you can expect that said child will be picked up from school the next day, and you'll need to involve the courts or play tug-of-war (not something I'd recommend).

You really do need to speak with a lawyer ASAP. I suspect they will suggest filing with the courts to (at minimum) have the children returned to their home. You should also be looking at how you will arrange care for the children while you work. And, uumm, make your own contraceptive plans to ensure another child isn't created. Your swimmers are, after all, your responsibility.

 

[LdiJ]

There's really no need for you to return the child(ren) after p/u. You are a parent and are well within your right to do so. However, you can expect that said child will be picked up from school the next day, and you'll need to involve the courts or play tug-of-war (not something I'd recommend).

You really do need to speak with a lawyer ASAP. I suspect they will suggest filing with the courts to (at minimum) have the children returned to their home. You should also be looking at how you will arrange care for the children while you work. And, uumm, make your own contraceptive plans to ensure another child isn't created. Your swimmers are, after all, your responsibility.

The court will not necessarily order that however. So the OP shouldn't consider it a given. That would also be a very expensive and sudden change. I doubt that its affordable without some seriously financial rearranging.

 

[stealth2]

The court will not necessarily order that however. So the OP shouldn't consider it a given. That would also be a very expensive and sudden change. I doubt that its affordable without some seriously financial rearranging.

He may get it, he may not. He certainly will not without asking - and a local attorney will be better placed than we are to know the climate in local courts. And OP would likely not even know to inquire. So that really needs to be his first step. But he'd be well served to have at least some ideas, as it sounds like Mom is unable to effectively care for four such young kids on her own. At a minimum, her actions are a scream for help - and Dad needs to see that.

 

[AlmostThere]

What are the ages of the children?

If she is depressed and has other issues, she should not be driving anywhere.

No reasonable person takes the time to properly install carseats each time they go out. It is extremely time consuming to do it correctly.

Nowhere does it state they have more than one car. Most people have carseats for each of their vehicles or if it is an infant seat, they do not need a snap in base for all since most can be belted directly in and the child is usually loaded into the carseat in the house.

If she were going to take the children, it was irresponsible of her not to let the children's father know where they are and to a;llow him to speak with them. If she is that depressed, she is a danger to herself and them. If she were that stressed, her parents should have gone to her house to assist in the care of the children rather than remove the children from their home. They are not HER children alone.

Many people with depression drive, and take care of children.

 

[AlmostThere]

Except she doesn't. She works night shift because that's what she wanted. She is out with friends all the time or they are over. I bought her a vehicle to motivate her to get her license so she would have even more opportunities. She wanted the babies so not following you there?? That is what SHE wanted. It's what made her joyful. We can handle 4 kids together. There was no way we could afford another child and I and her discussed if she would rather me be snipped. Her mother was the deciding factor in her getting her tubes tied just in case things didn't work out for us and she met somebody else. I did choose her because I loved her. I wanted to do everything I could do to help her when needed. The majority of time we were very happy and she didn't have any signs until something was triggered (her mother). After this experience, therapy wouldn't be a bad option in my case. I work 6 days a week and do what I can do to provide for my family because I love them.

Wait.. she is taking care of 4 children during the day, working at night, and you are complaining about the state of the house? When is she supposed to sleep?

 

[commentator]

Before we go on here....there's a very suspicious hole in this story. As someone who has listened to many stories about domestics, I have to ask. What, exactly happened between "naturally I was very upset and ask her to keep a better eye on the kids...." and "when I come home, she is gone."? Was there any sort of violence or altercation before you left the house that morning, even down to the " she struck at me so I caught her wrist" sort of wrestling? Any ultimatums given? If so, you will probably be hearing all about it, and not in a positive way when you guys get to court.

As it has been pointed out several times here, this whole scenario makes you sound like you were at the very least not doing well with dealing with a wife and four small children. This situation, even if you are simply sued for divorce, and do not have a restraining order against you, has all the hallmarks of something that will go into a terrible, long drawn out custody and visitation and pick up and who gets vacations and claims on taxes mess. Because it sounds as though you two have this dynamic going.

And the fact that you refer to your wife repeatedly as "they" means that you see yourself as fighting both her and her mother. But I'd predict that when she falls out with her mother, she'll be back with the kids, and there will be more drama, more craziness. You are, should you choose to accept this mission, going to have to provide stability and balance for four little people finding their way in the world for a lot of years in the future. No one, at this point cares whose fault it is that they got here, what who said about it, and who got fixed. They're here, and they're yours to care for.

I would very strongly advise you to talk to a good family attorney, get some counseling for yourself, which will play into any court situation magnificently, and go forward with this without the drama and the Oh I am missing my kids soooo much! What am I to do? Also, you seem to be holding your work up as the sacred standard, as in "I can't be troubled about the kids, I have to work!" While you will want to arrange custody and pick ups around your employment, you can't spend the next twenty years fussing about schedules. You will need to have something easy and possible to accomplish and get to work. Let your attorney help you with this after you get your breath here.

 

[rileymib81]

Wait.. she is taking care of 4 children during the day, working at night, and you are complaining about the state of the house? When is she supposed to sleep?

She works a total of 12 -15 hours in 3 days. (If she decides to go in) When I get off work I do the majority of the cleaning, cooking, yard work etc. I'm not expecting a spotless house, but I would appreciate some effort in her case to make sure the kids are living in a nice clean environment.

 

[rileymib81]

Before we go on here....there's a very suspicious hole in this story. As someone who has listened to many stories about domestics, I have to ask. What, exactly happened between "naturally I was very upset and ask her to keep a better eye on the kids...." and "when I come home, she is gone."? Was there any sort of violence or altercation before you left the house that morning, even down to the " she struck at me so I caught her wrist" sort of wrestling? Any ultimatums given? If so, you will probably be hearing all about it, and not in a positive way when you guys get to court.

As it has been pointed out several times here, this whole scenario makes you sound like you were at the very least not doing well with dealing with a wife and four small children. This situation, even if you are simply sued for divorce, and do not have a restraining order against you, has all the hallmarks of something that will go into a terrible, long drawn out custody and visitation and pick up and who gets vacations and claims on taxes mess. Because it sounds as though you two have this dynamic going.

And the fact that you refer to your wife repeatedly as "they" means that you see yourself as fighting both her and her mother. But I'd predict that when she falls out with her mother, she'll be back with the kids, and there will be more drama, more craziness. You are, should you choose to accept this mission, going to have to provide stability and balance for four little people finding their way in the world for a lot of years in the future. No one, at this point cares whose fault it is that they got here, what who said about it, and who got fixed. They're here, and they're yours to care for.

I would very strongly advise you to talk to a good family attorney, get some counseling for yourself, which will play into any court situation magnificently, and go forward with this without the drama and the Oh I am missing my kids soooo much! What am I to do? Also, you seem to be holding your work up as the sacred standard, as in "I can't be troubled about the kids, I have to work!" While you will want to arrange custody and pick ups around your employment, you can't spend the next twenty years fussing about schedules. You will need to have something easy and possible to accomplish and get to work. Let your attorney help you with this after you get your breath here.

No violence what so ever. She didn't strike me either, just pretty much just didn't care about the issue. I did raise my voice to her as I was angry. Not sure too many would be happy in my case. I've been as clear as I can be on a forum. So a lot of this is misconstrued. When I state I work a lot does not mean I can't be troubled with the kids. I cook, clean, help with homework, play and do my best to help everyone in the household. So yes, my kids are my world and I'm doing everything I can possibly do for them.

Just an update as well... Called the school to see if my oldest was there as I was supposed to pick him up per Wife and her mother. They didn't take him and found out he missed almost 40 days last year. That is something I counted on my wife for and 40 is unacceptable. Never heard anything about this from the school as they only contact her when he misses a school day even though they have all of my information as well. So another day missed and still no contact since agreeing to terms last evening.

 

[LdiJ]

No violence what so ever. She didn't strike me either, just pretty much just didn't care about the issue. I did raise my voice to her as I was angry. Not sure too many would be happy in my case. I've been as clear as I can be on a forum. So a lot of this is misconstrued. When I state I work a lot does not mean I can't be troubled with the kids. I cook, clean, help with homework, play and do my best to help everyone in the household. So yes, my kids are my world and I'm doing everything I can possibly do for them.

Just an update as well... Called the school to see if my oldest was there as I was supposed to pick him up per Wife and her mother. They didn't take him and found out he missed almost 40 days last year. That is something I counted on my wife for and 40 is unacceptable. Never heard anything about this from the school as they only contact her when he misses a school day even though they have all of my information as well. So another day missed and still no contact since agreeing to terms last evening.

Ok, please explain to me how she got your son back and forth to school with three other small children, when she does not drive? Even if its walkable or there is a bus, that still means getting three other small children ready to walk with him to school or to the bus stop. That alone is a major stressor twice a day.

What I would have done if I wanted a cleaner house, under those conditions, is I would have hired a cleaning service to come in once or twice a week. They aren't all that expensive.

 

[rileymib81]

Ok, please explain to me how she got your son back and forth to school with three other small children, when she does not drive? Even if its walkable or there is a bus, that still means getting three other small children ready to walk with him to school or to the bus stop. That alone is a major stressor twice a day.

What I would have done if I wanted a cleaner house, under those conditions, is I would have hired a cleaning service to come in once or twice a week. They aren't all that expensive.

The school is less than 100 yards from our house. Also neighbors kids go to the same school and offer to take him.

 

[rileymib81]

Ok, please explain to me how she got your son back and forth to school with three other small children, when she does not drive? Even if its walkable or there is a bus, that still means getting three other small children ready to walk with him to school or to the bus stop. That alone is a major stressor twice a day.

What I would have done if I wanted a cleaner house, under those conditions, is I would have hired a cleaning service to come in once or twice a week. They aren't all that expensive.

It's not just a mess. Its leaving dirty diapers everywhere not throwing them in the trash. Nasty stuff like that. Shouldn't have to hire somebody for stuff like that. Also a bus comes at the end of our street. So plenty of options. So I guess it's cool for her to hide the fact that my oldest missed 40 days of school.

 

[LdiJ]

The school is less than 100 yards from our house. Also neighbors kids go to the same school and offer to take him.

100 yards or not, that is still getting 3 more small children ready to walk that 100 yards, back and forth. I am sure you would not want her leaving the three smaller ones at home while she walked him? And as far as the neighbor's offering, I am sure that they do, but they are also not necessarily going to be available to do so all of the time.