when plans interfere with visitation

[onmytime]

What is the name of your state? AZ

My ex and I haven't started regular visitations yet and we have a long road ahead of us. He has been creating fictious stories stating he sends me mail and I don't get it, he calls and I don't answer, and the latest is I harass him. The reality of the matter is he has been harassing me. He calls me at work, sends me emails and calls me early in the morning before work. I have stopped answering the morning calls because it is too stressful to speak with him, get the kids dressed and try to make it to work on time. I sent him an email asking him not to call or correspond with me at work back in March. But he totally disregards my request. Yesterday he emailed me stating I was harassing him. ??? I was in total disbelief. He sent me a total of 4 emails and called 3 times. He copied his attorney on all of the emails he sent. I responded back to him with all of the emails he had sent me since November including a love poem he wrote and all of the emails he sent me that day stating he was harassing me. I faxed my attorney a letter today with what was going on and I expect I will hear from him Monday. Friends have advised me to get a restraining order. I really don't want to because I would have to rely on family or friends for exchanges and I don't think they should be committed to my schedule when I need them. In addition I have a trip planned out of state. I don't know if this trip will fall on his weekend once we get all of this settled but what happens if it does?

This Thursday we have a mediation scheduled to discuss visitation. I just want all of this over with.

Should I get a restraining order or just see what happens at mediation?
How worried should I be about him accusing me of harassment when I clearly have emails that he sent to me?

 

[stealth2]

If it's his weekend, you can ask him if he'd be willing to switch. If he's not, the kids go on visitation and you go on your trip. Or you tell the judge/mediator that you do have plans for that one weekend and you'd like a switch addressed.

 

[Ron1347]

Boy now isn't that just the 100% truth of it! Yep, if 'your' trip plans fall within, or overlaps 'their' visitation schedule, then 'you' lose, unless you are able to negotiate a switch with the other person. If that isn't possible...like was said.....

 

[Inquiry123]

Take the high road...

Unless you have a reasonable fear for your safety, I would not recommend seeking a restraining order.

I do suggest that you try to continue to keep the channels of communication open throughout the mediation process. Keep records of your interactions (which it appears that you are already doing.)

It is not unreasonable to place some limitations on communication, though. No calls at work. No calls before 9AM or after 9PM. If one's not available, leave a message...and commit to return any call within 24 hours. No losing temper, no swearing, no threats, no accusations, only issues related to the child, etc. Some prefer to communicate exclusively through email -- removes an emotional element...and provides ongoing documentation of interactions.

It's a good idea to repeatedly let the other party know (and show the court) that you are a parent that is interested in maintaining communication with the other party to the extent that it is in the child's best interest to do so. In the beginning, you may have to communicate every day. Shortly, it may be as little as once a week or once a month. Good luck.

 

[nextwife]

In your post, I don't see who is making plans that interfere with visitation. Is he making all those calls to you to GET visitation?

Who is interfereing with the CO'd visitation schedule?

 

[stealth2]

In your post, I don't see who is making plans that interfere with visitation.

This is what she's refering to about interfering with visitation:

In addition I have a trip planned out of state. I don't know if this trip will fall on his weekend once we get all of this settled but what happens if it does?

There currently IS no court-ordered visitation, and if you look back at some of OPs other posts, there has been a problem with the two of them agreeing when Dad can see the child because of "other" plans OP has.

 

[LdiJ]

This is what she's refering to about interfering with visitation:



There currently IS no court-ordered visitation, and if you look back at some of OPs other posts, there has been a problem with the two of them agreeing when Dad can see the child because of "other" plans OP has.

I don't think that statement is fair Stealth. I just went back and reviewed her threads.

It appears that she and dad had a very civil relationship to start with. It appeared that they were coming up with agreements in an amicable manner.

Then dad discovered that he got ANOTHER woman pregnant...told the OP that he couldn't take the pressure of that...that he was going to "break" and that things have been going steadily downhill since then. Just by reading the first post in each of her threads, in chronological order, the pattern is obvious.

Dad has become sporatic with visits and child support...and has become increasingly combative.

Dad is obviously terrified of the fact that he is going to be paying child support to two different mothers...and of the responsibility of being a father dealing with two different mothers....and is losing his "grip".

The situation is sad because they were obviously friends to start with.

Yes, she made plans and stuck to them because dad was being so sporatic with visitation. I personally think she was in the right on that one. The post made it clear that she wouldn't have made plans if dad had been exercising visitation consistantly. One of her first posts was a very thoughtful one talking about the fact that dad declined to exercise a visit when the child was ill....and that she thought he should have taken the visit anyway...that caring for a sick child was part of parenting.

That doesn't indicate the kind of mom that your statement indicated.

 

[stealth2]

I probably should have expanded - I don't think Mom is completely at fault here. But I'm not certain Dad is either. It's one of those early in the process, trying to find their feet, jockeying for position type of situations.

 

[mom6399]

I think it is very important to establish appropriate boundaries in communication as early as possible in the process and to document, document, document.

I had similar problems with my ex, the more I tried to be reasonable, the more difficult things became. His harrassment became more intense and ultimately became violent. A total breakdown in communication eventually occurred, lawyers fees skyrocked and in the end, his behavior hurt him terribly in court... I hope this will not be the case in your situation.

You can't just get a restraining order. It's a legal process and you have to go before a judge and prove you are in potential harm. Stress doesn't count. It sounds like you are trying to improve and maintain good communication and a restraining order just might destroy the possibility of this happening.

It will get better! Good luck.

 

[casa]

I think it is very important to establish appropriate boundaries in communication as early as possible in the process and to document, document, document.

I had similar problems with my ex, the more I tried to be reasonable, the more difficult things became. His harrassment became more intense and ultimately became violent. A total breakdown in communication eventually occurred, lawyers fees skyrocked and in the end, his behavior hurt him terribly in court... I hope this will not be the case in your situation.

You can't just get a restraining order. It's a legal process and you have to go before a judge and prove you are in potential harm. Stress doesn't count. It sounds like you are trying to improve and maintain good communication and a restraining order just might destroy the possibility of this happening.

It will get better! Good luck.

That is not entirely true. There are different types of restraining orders. Although violence hasn't occurred yet, the OP can get an order of restraint for harrassment- which would outline ways in which the other person could or could not contact her, possibly limiting contact to communication re; the child/visitation only. Once a person notifies someone that they do not wish for them to call them at work, and they continue to do so- they are looking at the potential to have an order of restraint against them.

 

[mom6399]

I stand corrected. However, at least in my limited experience, it's not easy to get a OP of this kind. Harrassment, documented physical abuse with injury, and witnesses to an assault and it still took me a year to get a PPO issued! I hope the onmytime doesn't have to go through any of this.

Thanks for the correction!

 

[casa]

I stand corrected. However, at least in my limited experience, it's not easy to get a OP of this kind. Harrassment, documented physical abuse with injury, and witnesses to an assault and it still took me a year to get a PPO issued! I hope the onmytime doesn't have to go through any of this.

Thanks for the correction!

No worries

I'm sorry it took so long for you to get some protection legally~ Unfortunately due to various circumstances (locale, state/county budgets, even the person originally contacted- Restraining Orders don't always get issued in a timely or appropriate manner) I'm glad you did finally receive some degree of legal protection- and hope you find yourself in calmer conditions now. I have a Restraining Order for harrassment myself, and although it isn't failproof, it has greatly diminished the distress for myself and my family. It gets better.

 

[onmytime]

Thank you all for the advice, however I guess I didn't make it clear. My plans are a trip out of town. The plans I were referring to is a birthday party for my friend's son (his first birthday) in Vegas. All of my friends children are around the same age. My friends son's birthday party is taking place in Vegas, Circus Circus, she lives in Maryland and all of my friends will be flying in from different parts of the country (my best friends I went to college with). Yea I think a birthday party for a 1 year old in Vegas is a little over the top but I'm not paying for it. Even though this is a party for my son to attend it is also a chance to see my girlfriends that I haven't seen in a couple of years and the first time they can see my son, they can't wait to see him. We plan on leaving on Thursday. I have an older child 13 who I would like to maybe take to see a show on Friday before the party on Saturday.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is, this is a mini vacation for me and a invite to a party for my son. Because I am the custodial parent I don't have scheduled "vacation days" or a set number of "vacation days" like dad will get, therefore how do I state that this is a planned trip that may happen to fall on his weekend. It would be impossible to schedule vacation time just on my weekends ie family renuions, get togethers, weddings, etc. Things that you want to attend or be together as a family. Do I tell him that we are going on vacation and he has the next weekend or whenever we return if it is an extended trip that will last from weekend to weekend (14 days)? Also once all of this custody stuff has settled will I know for the next year what weekends I have and what weekends he will have? Is that how it works? I'm just trying to prepare myself to have an understanding how things work and be realistic when I meet with him for mediation. I know stealth said that we are jocking for position but the truth is I just want everything spelled out. Literally. I don't want any room for childish games. From me or him. I hate that it has to be this way but until we can communicate I feel it is best to look at a "rule book" (child custody/ support decree) until we can be civil again and negotiate reasonably.

 

[stealth2]

Well, here's the thing. You can't expect to have it all spelled out, yet then be able to tell him "Sorry! I've got a family event on your weekend so you can have the kid the weekend after." If it's spelled out and signed by the judge - that IS what you follow unless you can get him to agree to a switch. If it means that you and/or one of the kids has to miss an event as a result - then that's what happens. In real life, people don't ALWAYS get to attend family events.

As for the LV trip, since it's been planned in advance of the order, you have a good shot at the judge making an exception for it, should that be his weekend. I would definitely make sure your attorney and thereby the judge is aware of your plans. But it is also possible that your son will be with his father and unable to join you.

Yes, once you have a visitation schedule, you will know exactly when your times are and when his are (weekends and holidays) so that you can plan ahead. Hopefully, you will communicate those times to your family so they can also plan special events so you can attend.

 

[CJane]

Thank you all for the advice, however I guess I didn't make it clear. My plans are a trip out of town.

What you have to understand, is that regardless of what your plans are, they come second to the visitation schedule. Yes, it's hard to plan everything around the parenting schedule, so there will be some things that the kids will miss. That's just the way that it is. My kids miss things with my family, and they miss things with their father's family. That's the life of a divorced child.