Who makes the final decision?

[lil_blonde_1]

What is the name of your state? Illinois

I would like to know who has the final "say so" for any decisions regarding our son. My ex and I have joint custody of our son who is 10-years-old. Our son lives with me. As far as any changes to anything - visitation for anything special, activities, sports, etc, who has the final word? We have been in this rather akward situation for years and have been going to court for every little thing my ex can think of. If I don't agree with what my ex wants then he drags me to court and I explain to the judge why I don't agree and what my reservations are and the judge has always ruled in my favor. I would rather resolve these issues without having to go to court - it's rather expensive. And I know there are times when we do have to go to court, however for something as insignificant as sports participation, I find it absolutely crazy!
Just to give you an example of what I'm talking about: Our son expressed an interest in playing soccer again this year. He has played in the past thru our park district and has had a very good time doing so. My ex has always attended games, but generally never the practices. This year my ex decided to sign up our son for soccer in his town (we live about 1/2 hour away from one another, 2 towns over). All in all, no big deal, but nothing was said to me about it on whether it would work out with our schedules. Now I'm expected to do all the driving to all the practices and the games, provide snacks and beverages to children I don't know and who our son doesn't go to school with. The last time we were in court (my ex was trying to get custody again...for the 3rd time to no avail) the judge even commented on why our son wasn't playing in the league he had played on for the past 4 years with the teammates he knows and the coaches he is familiar with. I have a hard time saying no because it is something our son wanted to do and he has been able to continue "summertime" friendships into the school year. But the practice schedule interfers with schoolwork and dinner time... Did I have the right to say "no" to this out-of-town sports league?
Another situation that came up: my ex and his wife decided to join a church and without speaking to me about it had our son join with them and acted as a "family" in front of this congregation. After finding out about this, I called and spoke to their pastor and he was shocked that my ex hadn't spoken to me about it first. My ex had explained to the pastor our son's living situation and visitation and had lied to his pastor and told him he spoke with me about this prior to it happening and that I didn't have a problem with it. I do, we are different religions...I know it can work out, but I would have appreciated a sit down discussion with my ex and possibly the pastor to sort out any conflicts that may arrise out of this.
There are so many big, big problems starting to happen and I really don't know how to get them to stop. Can I say "no" to all these things. I would never say no just to be spiteful, but I'm being left out or pushed out of the decision making process and really don't know how to regain any control that I do have.
What are my options?
Thanks for listening and thanks in advance for your responses!

 

[Gracie3787]

What is the name of your state? Illinois

I would like to know who has the final "say so" for any decisions regarding our son. My ex and I have joint custody of our son who is 10-years-old. Our son lives with me. As far as any changes to anything - visitation for anything special, activities, sports, etc, who has the final word? We have been in this rather akward situation for years and have been going to court for every little thing my ex can think of. If I don't agree with what my ex wants then he drags me to court and I explain to the judge why I don't agree and what my reservations are and the judge has always ruled in my favor. I would rather resolve these issues without having to go to court - it's rather expensive. And I know there are times when we do have to go to court, however for something as insignificant as sports participation, I find it absolutely crazy!
Just to give you an example of what I'm talking about: Our son expressed an interest in playing soccer again this year. He has played in the past thru our park district and has had a very good time doing so. My ex has always attended games, but generally never the practices. This year my ex decided to sign up our son for soccer in his town (we live about 1/2 hour away from one another, 2 towns over). All in all, no big deal, but nothing was said to me about it on whether it would work out with our schedules. Now I'm expected to do all the driving to all the practices and the games, provide snacks and beverages to children I don't know and who our son doesn't go to school with. The last time we were in court (my ex was trying to get custody again...for the 3rd time to no avail) the judge even commented on why our son wasn't playing in the league he had played on for the past 4 years with the teammates he knows and the coaches he is familiar with. I have a hard time saying no because it is something our son wanted to do and he has been able to continue "summertime" friendships into the school year. But the practice schedule interfers with schoolwork and dinner time... Did I have the right to say "no" to this out-of-town sports league?
Another situation that came up: my ex and his wife decided to join a church and without speaking to me about it had our son join with them and acted as a "family" in front of this congregation. After finding out about this, I called and spoke to their pastor and he was shocked that my ex hadn't spoken to me about it first. My ex had explained to the pastor our son's living situation and visitation and had lied to his pastor and told him he spoke with me about this prior to it happening and that I didn't have a problem with it. I do, we are different religions...I know it can work out, but I would have appreciated a sit down discussion with my ex and possibly the pastor to sort out any conflicts that may arrise out of this.
There are so many big, big problems starting to happen and I really don't know how to get them to stop. Can I say "no" to all these things. I would never say no just to be spiteful, but I'm being left out or pushed out of the decision making process and really don't know how to regain any control that I do have.
What are my options?
Thanks for listening and thanks in advance for your responses!

Does your court orders say anything concerning decision making?
If so, it will be easier for us to give you advice if you post EXACTLY what the court order says.

 

[lil_blonde_1]

Our order, unfortunately, doesn't say anything specifically about final decisions just that I'm the residential parent. The order does give the impression of "decision maker" in that it states I am to let my ex know of everything going on in school, medically, religiously, etc.

 

[CJane]

You're going to have to decide what hills are worth dying on. A soccer league 30 min away probably isn't worth the fight. Though you could certainly argue for the child participating in a league in his 'hometown', why bother? How is it a bad thing for him to have friends/activities in both locations? Is the ex completely unable/unwilling to provide transportation to/from practices, or are you unwilling to allow him the extra time?

The religion thing... you're not very likely to find a judge that will tell him that he cannot expose the child to differing religions, as judges hate to rule on topics that are protected by the constitution. You could maybe get a judge to say "Hey, next time, let her know." but that's about it.

Out of curiosity, what are the religions, and the potential 'conflicts' you see arising?

 

[lil_blonde_1]

The religions are Christian (them) and Jewish (me). So, I see a lot of potential conflicts. I was raised Christian and through a lot of soul searching, I converted. They have been recently baptized into the Christian faith. I see nothing wrong with learning about different religions and exploring what you feel in your heart. I have taken my son to Christian services and Jewish services. I have given him books on many other religions so that he can decide where his heart is. What bothers me is the lack of communication. This was decided without even talking to me about it. I could care less what they do, but when it involves our son I deserve to know what's going on...just like I've always done with my ex.

The soccer league in and of itself isn't the issue. The ex refuses to do the driving because he is too busy. Because of the schedule he's worked out for us, we (my son and I) don't eat dinner 2x a week until after 8:00pm and don't work on homework until well after. This makes for a very long evening, especially when bed time is 9:30 for our son. I also wonder what kind of problems our son will have when he plays against his past teammates and current schoolmates. Children can be so cruel. Our son is worried about the potential outcome of that issue as well. Oh and believe me, my ex has more than liberal visitation with our son: 2x during the school week and everyother weekend starting on Friday going thru Sunday. Now with the soccer schedule I'm lucky if I get to see our son 1 day a week! We were just in court for custody and a change of visition...the judge said my ex didn't need any more time with our son and felt what we already had for visitation was more than sufficient. Besides that, my ex isn't there for the practices...so there isn't any extra time with dad.

The issues I've brought up are just the tips of the icebergs. I was told by my ex that our son had a "new mom" and that they wanted our son to come live with them now just because they were married (what that has to do with anything, I'm not exactly sure). There have been other issues this past year of my ex listing his new wife as "mother" on our son's medical and school documents, listing their address as our son's residence, our son spending the night alone at their house while they were at work (from 10:00pm - 7:30am) and them telling me it's none of my business what our son does when he is with them; however they insist I tell them everything - where we go, when we go and who we are with. I could care less what they do, but when my son is left alone all night, I think I have the right to say something!

 

[GrowUp!]

The religions are Christian (them) and Jewish (me). So, I see a lot of potential conflicts. I was raised Christian and through a lot of soul searching, I converted. They have been recently baptized into the Christian faith. I see nothing wrong with learning about different religions and exploring what you feel in your heart. I have taken my son to Christian services and Jewish services. I have given him books on many other religions so that he can decide where his heart is. What bothers me is the lack of communication. This was decided without even talking to me about it. I could care less what they do, but when it involves our son I deserve to know what's going on...just like I've always done with my ex.

You are going to have to get used to this. As stated, no Judge will get in the middle of a religion dispute. The child doesn't have to "decide", but as you should know, there are significant differences between both religions.

The soccer league in and of itself isn't the issue. The ex refuses to do the driving because he is too busy.

Unless it's in the order, he's not required to. Also, is soccer conflicting with Dad's time in anyway? If so, did you consult with Dad? Regardless of residential status, you do not have the right to schedule any event during dad's time.

Because of the schedule he's worked out for us, we (my son and I) don't eat dinner 2x a week until after 8:00pm and don't work on homework until well after. This makes for a very long evening, especially when bed time is 9:30 for our son. I also wonder what kind of problems our son will have when he plays against his past teammates and current schoolmates. Children can be so cruel. Our son is worried about the potential outcome of that issue as well.

Oh c'mon...it's called competition. It's going to happen regardless.

The issues I've brought up are just the tips of the icebergs. I was told by my ex that our son had a "new mom" and that they wanted our son to come live with them now just because they were married (what that has to do with anything, I'm not exactly sure).

Trying to get under your skin.

There have been other issues this past year of my ex listing his new wife as "mother" on our son's medical and school documents, listing their address as our son's residence, our son spending the night alone at their house while they were at work (from 10:00pm - 7:30am) and them telling me it's none of my business what our son does when he is with them;

The latter IS true...what dad does with child on his time is none of your business. It works both ways. As far as Dad listing his new spouse...not cool. Call the school and doctors and ask them.

however they insist I tell them everything - where we go, when we go and who we are with. I could care less what they do, but when my son is left alone all night, I think I have the right to say something!

This is kind of an iffy issue because of the child's age. I was left alone at 10 for several hours, but had emergency contact numbers "just in case." You might want to talk to Dad about this and maybe working something out, but this is not one of those hills worth dying on, IMO.

 

[GrowUp!]

Our order, unfortunately, doesn't say anything specifically about final decisions just that I'm the residential parent. The order does give the impression of "decision maker" in that it states I am to let my ex know of everything going on in school, medically, religiously, etc.

By law, you are to let your ex know what's going on in school, medically, etc. The thing is is that even if you have sole legal custody (which you have not yet stated), you still don't have the right to make decisions that affect/deny/override the other parent's parenting time. It also does not affect the fact that what dad does with the child on his time is his business. Both parents *should* be consulting with each other, anyway, but there are many parents that 'power-trip.'

Really...if you do not have joint legal, then the parent with primary residential status does not need to consult with dad on major decisions (medical, education and the such). That's really about it.

 

[tigger22472]

Really...if you do not have joint legal, then the parent with primary residential status does not need to consult with dad on major decisions (medical, education and the such). That's really about it.

That's a yes and no thing though. With sole custody the parent is still to consult with and discuss major issues with the other parent but the parent with sole custody gets the ultimate decision. It doesn't allow them to do things without informing the other parent.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

From the issues involved, the exact words of the poster herself, and the tenor of those words, this is nothing more than a control issue, NOT a legal one.

 

[LdiJ]

This is kind of an iffy issue because of the child's age. I was left alone at 10 for several hours, but had emergency contact numbers "just in case." You might want to talk to Dad about this and maybe working something out, but this is not one of those hills worth dying on, IMO.

I have to disagree strenously with this one. If CPS found out that dad was leaving the child home alone overnight, there would be serious reprecussions. (assuming that the child is 10, I wasn't sure that I caught where she gave the child's age) The judge would NOT be happy either.

In my opinion that one is serious if the child is only 10. If the child is 14 or 15 it might be iffy.

 

[GrowUp!]

I have to disagree strenously with this one. If CPS found out that dad was leaving the child home alone overnight, there would be serious reprecussions. (assuming that the child is 10, I wasn't sure that I caught where she gave the child's age)

That's because CPS are morons.

The judge would NOT be happy either. In my opinion that one is serious if the child is only 10. If the child is 14 or 15 it might be iffy.

Oh gimme break. This is NOT a legal issue. There are plenty of responsible and mature 10-year-olds. I was one of them. You obviously need to read-up on babysitting and other relevant laws/factors. 14/15? Are you freaking kidding me? Yeah, please take that in front of a judge...I'd LOVE to see the Judge's reaction to that one.

 

[LdiJ]

That's because CPS are morons.


Oh gimme break. This is NOT a legal issue. There are plenty of responsible and mature 10-year-olds. I was one of them. You obviously need to read-up on babysitting and other relevant laws/factors. 14/15? Are you freaking kidding me? Yeah, please take that in front of a judge...I'd LOVE to see the Judge's reaction to that one.

Grow up, we are talking about OVERNIGHT here. Not about leaving a 10 year old home for a few hours. And I don't need to read up about babysitting. Babysitting was my career from age 12 - 17....and that was a lonnnnng time ago when things were very different.

I am sure that there are lots of parents with responsible 10 year olds who leave them home now and then for a short time. However, I can just about guarantee that few responsible parents would ever dream of leaving a 10 year old home alone OVERNIGHT.

 

[stealth2]

Leaving a child of 10 alone overnight is a pretty poor parenting choice. But it may not result in more than a "don't do that anymore" from the judge.

I'm a bit confused on the soccer thing, as first you say it was something your son wanted to do (so he could keep up his summer friendships) yet then you say that he's worried about what kids from school/his other league will say. Help him learn how to deal with kids saying stuff - this isn't the only occasion that will spark comments.

As for homework... he can work on it in the car - both of mine do fairly often.

Plan dinners that won't require a lot of prep for those nights - I do a lot of cooking ahead of time, so it's simply a matter of reheating something I've defrosted. We don't normally eat until after 8 due to our respective schedules.

Seeing him only one night a week.... well... That is how it turns out sometimes. Looking at my schedule with my kids this week... We'll have dinner together two or three times, due to my schedule and theirs. The older they get, the more difficult it can be.

 

[momofrose]

I have to disagree strenously with this one. If CPS found out that dad was leaving the child home alone overnight, there would be serious reprecussions. (assuming that the child is 10, I wasn't sure that I caught where she gave the child's age) The judge would NOT be happy either.

In my opinion that one is serious if the child is only 10. If the child is 14 or 15 it might be iffy.

If a child is mature at 10 years old (as mine is)...they are perfectly capable of stsying home alone for aocuple of hours - hell they start to babysit at 11!

D

 

[LdiJ]

If a child is mature at 10 years old (as mine is)...they are perfectly capable of stsying home alone for aocuple of hours - hell they start to babysit at 11!

D

Accept in this case we aren't talking about a couple of hours. We are talking about OVERNIGHT.