wife's keeping the kids from me

[LdiJ]

Keep in mind when I say "recent" I'm talking about 2 weeks ago. We split 2 weeks ago. I never consented to anything as far as one day a week and every other weekend. She told me that today after I'd dropped my daughter off so my wife could take her to get some school supplies. I was supposed to pick her back up later until I got a phone call with my wife chewing me out about how upset our daughter was because she wanted her daddy back.
The only thing I verbally consented to was the idea of the shared parenting. One week for one week. We haven't even had time to work into a routine with it yet. That's how new this is.

Well, then you have no status quo to base anything on. You really need to get into court ASAP...to at least get temporary orders established.

One week on and one week off isn't going to work in your situation. Its workable for your daughter but its completely unworkable for your son, and the court is going to want to see something that keeps both children together and works for both of them.

One week on and one week off is hell for an infant. An infant can't process that, and an infant needs fequent contact with both parents.

The age gap between your children is problematic, because what's best for one might not be what's best for the other, and that makes things more complicated.

 

[LdiJ]

Steparents' Rights: Custody and Visitation

sorry Ld.. I included the url of the page with the information I found in my original post but what I was trying to show is that in a matter of minutes OP could have searched not only the web but these forums for more information. In my search for the particular article I had recently read on here came up with 15 pages of similar questions... asked and answered.

It means next to nothing as he has already stated he wouldn't fight for visitation even if he could.

again.. sorry for the distraction

You are not getting my point...its not about distraction. The OP in this case is not the only person who will be reading this thread, and is not the only person who will read what you posted and perhaps stop at that point, and read no further.

The information that you posted was significantly inaccurate.

If you are going to post research information here, then you need to be cognizant of what is valid and real research information and what is not. You posted something here that you were not equipped to determine if it was valid information. I appreciate the fact that you cared enough about the OP's situation to do some googling, I am pointing out that your googling not only did this poster a disservice, but potentially other posters viewing this thread.

These forums are about legal advice. Yes, there are differences of opinions between the senior members but those differences are based on real understanding of the law...most of the time. Now and then its based on personal opinion.

However what you posted wasn't based on your knowledge of the law and wasn't accurate. Therefore it didn't help the OP and won't help future members of the forum.

 

[Ohiogal]

One week on and one week off isn't going to work in your situation. Its workable for your daughter but its completely unworkable for your son, and the court is going to want to see something that keeps both children together and works for both of them.

One week on and one week off is hell for an infant. An infant can't process that, and an infant needs fequent contact with both parents.

The age gap between your children is problematic, because what's best for one might not be what's best for the other, and that makes things more complicated.

I already suggested what could work. I also know of cases where one week on/one week off was implemented with children that young. It depends a LOT on the judge. What county you in OP?

 

[unforgiven1977]

I really appreciate all the replies. Your helping me immensely.
I live in Mercer county Ohiogal.
I tell you though she will fight me every step of the way on this. If I were to really lay things out it would be pretty obvious that her concern is not what's best for the kids. So any form of mutual agreement from here on out can not be counted on. I've heard of dad's getting shared parenting (50/50) but only when both parents agreed on it. I'm wondering if I stand a chance to get that if she's fighting me on it. It doesn't have to be one week for one week. What Ohiogal layed out before would be more than fine with me.

 

[LdiJ]

I really appreciate all the replies. Your helping me immensely.
I live in Mercer county Ohiogal.
I tell you though she will fight me every step of the way on this. If I were to really lay things out it would be pretty obvious that her concern is not what's best for the kids. So any form of mutual agreement from here on out can not be counted on. I've heard of dad's getting shared parenting (50/50) but only when both parents agreed on it. I'm wondering if I stand a chance to get that if she's fighting me on it. It doesn't have to be one week for one week. What Ohiogal layed out before would be more than fine with me.

Realistically mom has been the primary caretaker for the children, since she was a stay at home mom most of the time, so she does have an edge for primary custody.
There are other schedules that work too, and that mom might perceive differently.

For example, every other weekend and every Tuesday and Thursday overnight is just shy of 50/50. That's 6 overnights out of 14. 7 overnights would be 50/50. That would definitely work for both children.

Sometimes maximizing awake time rather than focusing on overnights gets better results to start with also. The same schedule as above, but returning the children to mom at bedtime on Tuesday and Thursday, would still be almost 50% of their awake time.

My ex and I handled parenting time very informally (bear in mind, this only worked because we ended up being good friends, my relationship with him ended up being like having another brother). He spent time with our daughter every weekday after work. Often he just hung out at my house and played with her outside with her friends, or helped her with her homework. Sometimes he had dinner with us. Other times he was coaching her soccer team, or taking her places. Then he normally had her on Saturdays, and I normally had her on Sundays. He didn't have overnights, but that was his choice, because that was what worked better for his overall situation.

Our daughter loved it because she got to have both of her parents, every day. Her friends were jealous because she didn't have to live the normal, divorced lifestyle, and she thanked us when she got older for not making her live the normal, divorced lifestyle.

My point in bringing that up is that if two parents can learn to appreciate each other after divorce, even if they no longer want to be together, there are ways to give your children the maximum amount possible of both mommy and daddy.

I know one overall family that I think is just wonderful. Two kids and both parents are remarried and have one child each with their new spouse, and one stepchild each with their new spouse. That family, trades ALL six kids every other weekend, so that all six kids are always together on the weekend, spends all holidays together, often has dinner together during the week, and generally behaves like one great big extended family.

It takes hard work at the beginning to make an unusual arrangement work. It takes leaving egos at the door, which is very difficult at first, but gets easier over time, and then becomes just the way that you live life. It also takes bringing new significant others into your life, that are secure enough to handle that.

So anyway...leave your mind open for ways to maximize both mommy and daddy time for the kids. Who knows, mom may end up with a work schedule that is different than yours, which might also give you lots of room to be creative in how the children spend time with each of you.

 

[Ohiogal]

Realistically mom has been the primary caretaker for the children, since she was a stay at home mom most of the time, so she does have an edge for primary custody.
There are other schedules that work too, and that mom might perceive differently.

For example, every other weekend and every Tuesday and Thursday overnight is just shy of 50/50. That's 6 overnights out of 14. 7 overnights would be 50/50. That would definitely work for both children.

Sometimes maximizing awake time rather than focusing on overnights gets better results to start with also. The same schedule as above, but returning the children to mom at bedtime on Tuesday and Thursday, would still be almost 50% of their awake time.

My ex and I handled parenting time very informally (bear in mind, this only worked because we ended up being good friends, my relationship with him ended up being like having another brother). He spent time with our daughter every weekday after work. Often he just hung out at my house and played with her outside with her friends, or helped her with her homework. Sometimes he had dinner with us. Other times he was coaching her soccer team, or taking her places. Then he normally had her on Saturdays, and I normally had her on Sundays. He didn't have overnights, but that was his choice, because that was what worked better for his overall situation.

Our daughter loved it because she got to have both of her parents, every day. Her friends were jealous because she didn't have to live the normal, divorced lifestyle, and she thanked us when she got older for not making her live the normal, divorced lifestyle.

My point in bringing that up is that if two parents can learn to appreciate each other after divorce, even if they no longer want to be together, there are ways to give your children the maximum amount possible of both mommy and daddy.

I know one overall family that I think is just wonderful. Two kids and both parents are remarried and have one child each with their new spouse, and one stepchild each with their new spouse. That family, trades ALL six kids every other weekend, so that all six kids are always together on the weekend, spends all holidays together, often has dinner together during the week, and generally behaves like one great big extended family.

It takes hard work at the beginning to make an unusual arrangement work. It takes leaving egos at the door, which is very difficult at first, but gets easier over time, and then becomes just the way that you live life. It also takes bringing new significant others into your life, that are secure enough to handle that.

So anyway...leave your mind open for ways to maximize both mommy and daddy time for the kids. Who knows, mom may end up with a work schedule that is different than yours, which might also give you lots of room to be creative in how the children spend time with each of you.

Okay I wanted to requote this because EVERY DIVORCED PARENT SHOULD ASPIRE to being friends with the ex. Why? Because it benefits the CHILDREN!

 

[unforgiven1977]

OK. Talked to a lawyer today. Basically he told me I can definately hope to get better than "local visitation" I believe he called it. The every other weekend thing.
He told me I could get 50/50 split but that my best chance was getting something like LdiJ mentioned earlier. He said it is perfectly reasonable to expect a Tuesday, Thursday and every other weekend deal. So I'm happy about that.
What I'm not happy about is that my soon-to-be-ex isn't taking my phone calls now. I've left voice mails telling her we need to discuss things. I said that I can make things easier financially on the both of us if she just calls me back. Meaning I was going to offer to foot the bill for the entire thing if we could just come to an agreement.
If she doesn't call me back at some point my only option is to get a divorce filed before I can even try to get temporary orders. At least that's they way my lawyer explained it to me. The problem is I really don't stand a chance of getting any form of free legal aid. He told me today that he only does pro bono in extreme cases. So I would have to find some way to pay for this. I don't have that kind of money and likely won't any time real soon.
So does that mean if she really plays hardball with me that it could take months before I get to see my kids again? Because that's the way it's sounding. Even if I had the money and filed tomorrow it would likely be three weeks before temp orders were issued.
Is this all making sense?

 

[Farfalla]

OK. Talked to a lawyer today. Basically he told me I can definately hope to get better than "local visitation" I believe he called it. The every other weekend thing.

He told me I could get 50/50 split but that my best chance was getting something like LdiJ mentioned earlier. He said it is perfectly reasonable to expect a Tuesday, Thursday and every other weekend deal. So I'm happy about that.

What I'm not happy about is that my soon-to-be-ex isn't taking my phone calls now. I've left voice mails telling her we need to discuss things. I said that I can make things easier financially on the both of us if she just calls me back. Meaning I was going to offer to foot the bill for the entire thing if we could just come to an agreement.

If she is not answering your phone calls than that’s how it is. She does not have to talk to you. I assume she has email. Send her email. That is often better because you will have a record of the discussion. Just make sure you keep a copy (or send yourself one) It’s a good way to communicate when things are emotionally charged because people have time to think before responding.

I’d be very careful about offering to foot the bill if she agrees. Once you make such an offer you could be stuck with the entire bill no matter if she agrees or not. It’s very unlikely that the two of you will agree on everything. Over time she will come to realize that she does not ‘own’ the children and you have as much rights to them as she does. Time will take care of that.

If she doesn't call me back at some point my only option is to get a divorce filed before I can even try to get temporary orders. At least that's they way my lawyer explained it to me. The problem is I really don't stand a chance of getting any form of free legal aid. He told me today that he only does pro bono in extreme cases. So I would have to find some way to pay for this. I don't have that kind of money and likely won't any time real soon.

So does that mean if she really plays hardball with me that it could take months before I get to see my kids again? Because that's the way it's sounding. Even if I had the money and filed tomorrow it would likely be three weeks before temp orders were issued.
Is this all making sense?

Hm… why three weeks? Perhaps you could try interviewing a few attorneys; you might find one who is willing to do this on a pay-as-you go basis.

 

[Ohiogal]

Over time she will come to realize that she does not ‘own’ the children and you have as much rights to them as she does. Time will take care of that.

You have a guarantee for that? Because if not don't say it.

Hm… why three weeks? Perhaps you could try interviewing a few attorneys; you might find one who is willing to do this on a pay-as-you go basis.

Because it takes three weeks at least to get a temporary orders HEARING. And there is a ream of paper that needs filed and prepared. It doesn't happen overnight.

 

[unforgiven1977]

I may have finally gotten somewhere. She actually called me today to discuss things.
Evidently she talked to a lawyer today and he must have told her what I expected. She found out she wasn't going to get free legal aid and found herself much more willing to try and work out an agreement.
She agreed with me on the visitation being every Tuesday, Thursday and every other weekend. We agreed that each of us will claim one child every year on taxes. Plus she seems willing to work with me on seeing the kids before things are finalized. I'm content and happy with all of this. Hopefully nothing changes.
So now I have two questions. One is that she mentioned something about being able to go to the courthouse and talk to the clerk of courts about something provided under "We Are the People". Supposedly we can file something with the courts stating we both agree on things and they will asign an arbitrator to our case to help finalize things. Then it takes so long before a court date is set and then so much time after that when things will be finalized. I've never heard of such a thing. Does anyone know what this is all about?
Also I realize I will be paying some child support with this arrangement of which is only right. But I'm curious if there is any way to estimate how this might work. Is there a formula that is normally followed based on income versus time shared and what not? Or is this just some magical number the court will produce later?
Thanks for any feedback you might offer me here.

 

[LdiJ]

I may have finally gotten somewhere. She actually called me today to discuss things.
Evidently she talked to a lawyer today and he must have told her what I expected. She found out she wasn't going to get free legal aid and found herself much more willing to try and work out an agreement.
She agreed with me on the visitation being every Tuesday, Thursday and every other weekend. We agreed that each of us will claim one child every year on taxes. Plus she seems willing to work with me on seeing the kids before things are finalized. I'm content and happy with all of this. Hopefully nothing changes.
So now I have two questions. One is that she mentioned something about being able to go to the courthouse and talk to the clerk of courts about something provided under "We Are the People". Supposedly we can file something with the courts stating we both agree on things and they will asign an arbitrator to our case to help finalize things. Then it takes so long before a court date is set and then so much time after that when things will be finalized. I've never heard of such a thing. Does anyone know what this is all about?
Also I realize I will be paying some child support with this arrangement of which is only right. But I'm curious if there is any way to estimate how this might work. Is there a formula that is normally followed based on income versus time shared and what not? Or is this just some magical number the court will produce later?
Thanks for any feedback you might offer me here.

I don't know why you would need an arbitrator. You could just write up and submit a stipulated agreement. However, your state might really have some sort of program like that, and it might help you hammer out the details.

Do a google search for an online child support calculator for your state. See if your state has an official one, and if they do, use that one. If not, use one of the others. That will help you approximate what kind of child support might be involved. However, if it asks you for the number of yearly overnights, be sure to use a calendar to calculate them properly. Its easy to mess that up.

 

[Ohiogal]

File a dissolution with an agreed parenting plan, the child support worksheet, separation agreement, and parenting affidavit. You will also most likely need a dissolution affidavit of property to go with it. At the time of filing you will need to present evidence that you attended your county's class for divorcing parents. ONce you have all that paperwork filed you will be able to proceed with the dissolution in approximately 6 to 8 weeks depending on the court's calendar of course.