Worried about children going to their dad's

[Hisbabygirl77]

You should have said that mommy and daddy are both your parents and as such you get to spend time with both of us. As your parents we have decided this.

And I am agreeing with you. I followed your suggestion for the first 9 months of their repeated refusal. After 9 months of positive enforcement and then being laughed at when I asked him for help I slipped. Hate to admit it, but I did.

I am concerned (although they have no bruises) because this is the reason I left him. At the end of our relationship I was afraid of him and his temper. His last girlfriend left after he put her through a wall. So I cannot say with good conscience that there is no potential threat.

The only reason I know he is planning on moving is because the kids repeatedly tell me about him trying to guilt them into saying that they want to go with him and what he says when they decline.

Have you thought about taking the girls to see a therapist?

 

[blstrabbit]

Micha, I'm sorry to hear that.

I have thought about therapy. Unfortunately, I have a total of 5 children living with me and I am a little broke... I will contact DHS to see if there are any free or low-income options. Maybe I can also get an assessment without having to give them specific information - just to put my mind at ease?

I did contact Legal Aid today and was assured that the children will be granted input on their own visitation schedule. So I at least can feel as if I'm not completely abandoning their wishes. Maybe we can also get court-ordered counseling and force dad to participate that way.

 

[Isis1]

Micha, I'm sorry to hear that.

I have thought about therapy. Unfortunately, I have a total of 5 children living with me and I am a little broke... I will contact DHS to see if there are any free or low-income options. Maybe I can also get an assessment without having to give them specific information - just to put my mind at ease?

I did contact Legal Aid today and was assured that the children will be granted input on their own visitation schedule. So I at least can feel as if I'm not completely abandoning their wishes. Maybe we can also get court-ordered counseling and force dad to participate that way.

check with the schools. sometimes they have their own counseling program, or they have a referral to some low cost therapy.

 

[Cyndi59]

Every state has a medi-care system. I don't know what it might be called in your state. Call your local welfare office and they will give you a list of names of counseling agencies they can go to for free.
Best Wishes

 

[wileybunch]

Relationships are two-way streets and that's even true with someone we no longer have relationships with, but, ah, yes, we do! We do because we still have to interact because of the kids.

I'm going to point out somethings you've done as the custodial parent that would tend to make a NCP feel defensive and/or wishing you would keep your opinions to yourself so maybe you can see where you have an opportunity to change the course of things.

Since he got re-married his new wife has completely taken over communications between us. She thinks and speaks for him.

I can see you feeling that way about communications because you can perhaps back that up with facts if ALL comms are with his wife. You do not have to communicate with her. Period. That's a super simple one to fix and you don't have to raise your voice or lose any sleep over it. Easy peasy, tell him he needs to be the one to communicate and stick to that. As for her doing all the thinking for him, that's you being snarky. Knock that off because your attitude with regard to that has got to spill over and it's so not worth it.

I have had to force the children to visit him.

That can be just as much your "fault" as his. In fact, it could be MORE your fault or even ALL your fault. I'm not going to analyze the situation any more than that except to say I'm not very impressed by this statement and given YOUR invested feelings, this situation is not existing in a vacuum.

I have no desire to be found in contempt of court and while trying to talk to him on their behalf and letting them call him to ask if they could stay home I still enforced the times as outlined in the plan.

There's really nothing "right" with these statements given you and your ex do not get along. MYOB. You could gently let him know of a specific concern the kids have and LEAVE IT AT THAT. He doesn't owe you answers and you need to keep judging statements to yourself. My kids have refused to get on the phone with their dad (he lives halfway across the country from them). It's not their choice. They get a consequence for it and ultimately they do get on the phone even if they have to call back later after a time out. I do not lay that at my ex's feet even though their feeling disconnected from him really IS his "fault". Doesn't matter. Kids need BOTH of their parents. Your kids would be WAY more harmed emotionally if Dad really did allow contact to be minimized, etc. Don't fool yourself.

I informed him about 10 months ago that the children are not wanting to visit him and suggested him to sit down with them and resolve the issue but I was laughed at.

OK, he doesn't owe you any specific reaction and if he laughed, he laughed. He's probably tired of you thinking you still control him, especially when it comes to HIS kids. And, if you're so afraid of him, etc., why do you keep dicking with him? Come on, hard to believe that on the one hand if you're poking the snake.

I let minor issues slide. For example, he currently is 10 months behind in his child support ($146 per month for 2 children) and unemployed.

File with child support enforcement.

My main problem is that the girls came back this weekend and informed me that they never want to go back because he is hitting them with a paddle and his wife is cussing at them when they don't clean the way they are supposed to. He got mad on Sunday and threw this paddle against the wall leaving a dent. My first instict was to call social services

If you think there is abuse going on, you should have already done that. He's well within his rights to throw whatever he wants against a wall, it's his property (assuming he's not throwing a KID against the wall).

But, yes, you do still have to take the kids. You don't really "know" what goes on in his house, you only have the kids' version of it. Are both kids getting hit? How many times did that happen during his last parenting time? Why did the kids say he was hitting them?

If you think the paddling is abusive, make the report. IMO, that's a no brainer.