Removing Kids

[nevous_mom]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY
I do not feel safe in the house with my husband. We agreed a divorce is the next step. I have an appoint me with an attorney. Can I leave with the kids until my appointment? History of domestic abuse (not physical).

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY
I do not feel safe in the house with my husband. We agreed a divorce is the next step. I have an appoint me with an attorney. Can I leave with the kids until my appointment? History of domestic abuse (not physical).

If you leave them, dad may cut you off from them.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY
I do not feel safe in the house with my husband. We agreed a divorce is the next step. I have an appoint me with an attorney. Can I leave with the kids until my appointment? History of domestic abuse (not physical).

So what is your evidence of domestic abuse? Why shouldn't dad have his children? Are you planning to keep the children from dad?

 

[single317dad]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY
I do not feel safe in the house with my husband. We agreed a divorce is the next step. I have an appoint me with an attorney. Can I leave with the kids until my appointment? History of domestic abuse (not physical).

You don't feel safe, yet there is no physical abuse? I'm having trouble reconciling those two things.

You can certainly leave with the kids. Dad can certainly ask a judge to return them to their home pending divorce/custody determination. Whether he will be successful with that depends on the judge, evidence, and circumstances.

There are other options which may suit your situation better than simply packing up and leaving. Have you spoken with a women's shelter, abuse counselor, or an attorney?

 

[stealth2]

Additional info would be helpful, as I am also having trouble reconciling the fear with no domestic abuse. And.... how does whatever it is he does to instill the fear affect the kids?

 

[CJane]

You don't feel safe, yet there is no physical abuse? I'm having trouble reconciling those two things.

Well, let me tell you a couple of stories.

My ex would wake me up in the middle of the night, screaming and yelling about imagined slights. He'd leave for work in the morning and then double back and watch the house from down the road, just to "make sure" I wasn't "doing anything wrong". If I was going out of town to visit my parents, he'd show up out there in the middle of the night (it's a 2.5 hour drive), just to make sure I was there. He'd have the phone shut off, have the internet shut off, siphon the gas out of my car so I couldn't leave the house without him. He'd have me removed from bank accounts, report my credit cards stolen, etc.

The last 5 years of our marriage, I never knew from one day to the next if I'd be able to buy groceries, or even drive to the grocery store. There were plenty of days where I couldn't have driven the kids to the ER OR called 911 because there was no gas in my car and no functioning phone in the house. (and we live 25 miles from the city)

But he never laid a hand on me. Sometimes, I wished he WOULD hit me. So I'd have something concrete to base my fears on. I would have felt less crazy.

 

[Bali Hai]

Well, let me tell you a couple of stories.

My ex would wake me up in the middle of the night, screaming and yelling about imagined slights. He'd leave for work in the morning and then double back and watch the house from down the road, just to "make sure" I wasn't "doing anything wrong". If I was going out of town to visit my parents, he'd show up out there in the middle of the night (it's a 2.5 hour drive), just to make sure I was there. He'd have the phone shut off, have the internet shut off, siphon the gas out of my car so I couldn't leave the house without him. He'd have me removed from bank accounts, report my credit cards stolen, etc.

The last 5 years of our marriage, I never knew from one day to the next if I'd be able to buy groceries, or even drive to the grocery store. There were plenty of days where I couldn't have driven the kids to the ER OR called 911 because there was no gas in my car and no functioning phone in the house. (and we live 25 miles from the city)

But he never laid a hand on me. Sometimes, I wished he WOULD hit me. So I'd have something concrete to base my fears on. I would have felt less crazy.

Good stories. Watched an old movie last night call "Break Up" starring Bridget Fonda & Kiefer Sutherland. Gave me the freaking creeps!

What attracts women to these psycho's.

 

[Ginevra]

I'm sorry some of the replies have been 100% unhelpful, and I am no lawyer either... but after five years, would it be bad to stick it out a little longer, through the divorce? You are within your rights to take the kids, but believe me, that can later be used against you even if it IS the right thing to do.

 

[Silverplum]

I'm sorry some of the replies have been 100% unhelpful,

That's not your responsibility, nor your call.

 

[stealth2]

I'm sorry some of the replies have been 100% unhelpful, and I am no lawyer either... but after five years, would it be bad to stick it out a little longer, through the divorce? You are within your rights to take the kids, but believe me, that can later be used against you even if it IS the right thing to do.

Single Dad and I just asked for more info. What was wrong with that?

 

[Ohiogal]

Single Dad and I just asked for more info. What was wrong with that?

Ginevra is all knowing and most likely all gone right now.

 

[Proserpina]

I can absolutely understand feeling terrified without there being physical abuse.

I'm actually a bit surprised at some of the responses here; fear and terror are often insidious and it's not difficult to groom the victim, alienate the victim from family and friends and use that horrifying mental control over the victim without laying a finger on the victim.

And yeap, those feelings can be present in the kids if they are living in that situation.

Abuse doesn't have to be physical. In some ways, the terror you feel after being in that situation can be worse than physical abuse.

 

[stealth2]

I can absolutely understand feeling terrified without there being physical abuse.

I'm actually a bit surprised at some of the responses here; fear and terror are often insidious and it's not difficult to groom the victim, alienate the victim from family and friends and use that horrifying mental control over the victim without laying a finger on the victim.

And yeap, those feelings can be present in the kids if they are living in that situation.

Abuse doesn't have to be physical. In some ways, the terror you feel after being in that situation can be worse than physical abuse.

No, abuse does not have to be physical. But, IME, emotional abuse impacted esteem/relationship issues, rather than imparting fear for myself or our children. Hence my question...

ETA: also, based on OP's username, she is *nervous* vs scared. I'd just have liked some clarification.

 

[RRevak]

Well, let me tell you a couple of stories.

My ex would wake me up in the middle of the night, screaming and yelling about imagined slights. He'd leave for work in the morning and then double back and watch the house from down the road, just to "make sure" I wasn't "doing anything wrong". If I was going out of town to visit my parents, he'd show up out there in the middle of the night (it's a 2.5 hour drive), just to make sure I was there. He'd have the phone shut off, have the internet shut off, siphon the gas out of my car so I couldn't leave the house without him. He'd have me removed from bank accounts, report my credit cards stolen, etc.

The last 5 years of our marriage, I never knew from one day to the next if I'd be able to buy groceries, or even drive to the grocery store. There were plenty of days where I couldn't have driven the kids to the ER OR called 911 because there was no gas in my car and no functioning phone in the house. (and we live 25 miles from the city)

But he never laid a hand on me. Sometimes, I wished he WOULD hit me. So I'd have something concrete to base my fears on. I would have felt less crazy.

I completely understand this too. My ex didn't physically begin hurting me until the end, prior to that he physically hurt himself to keep control over me. He would rant accusations about things I had done or not done, and then begin hurting himself while telling me that it was my fault. He accused me of cheating once and the rant began while I was getting ready to leave for work. I tried to calm the situation as best I could in order to leave but that only made things worse. As I was about to walk out the door (trying even harder to leave the situation) he grabbed a kitchen knife and began slashing his arms so badly I ended up being unable to go to work because I had to figure out what to do with him. He kept repeating that he wouldn't live if I left but refused to go to the emergency room because he would "have to tell them what I did and he didn't want me to get in trouble" because he was convinced I had mentally driven him to hurt himself so I would be the one arrested. Other times he would start punching himself in the face and head repeatedly until I gave into whatever demands he was asking for. He would call me while I was at work or out somewhere and start telling me he was going to get in his car and drive it into a wall somewhere if I didn't come home immediately and "talk to him" about whatever he was accusing me of that day. It got so bad that I nearly lost my job (because if I didn't answer my cell phone he would then begin obsessively calling my job until I answered) and I was afraid to leave because of what he might do while I was gone. He obsessively called my parents if I didn't answer on the first ring to the point that they had to have their numbers changed and I had to keep their new ones hidden. Their telling him not to call them any more just made him start showing up on their doorstep. He "was just there to tell them what their daughter did to him" that day and didn't understand why they didn't want to hear about it. He said it was because he just wanted them to know their daughter was awful so they would disown me. (by the way, this occurred after I had already left him. The police said they couldn't do anything because he hadn't threatened them). The above was just the tip of his roller coaster.

So I get how abuse doesn't need to be physical in order to be emotionally traumatizing.

 

[Bali Hai]

I completely understand this too. My ex didn't physically begin hurting me until the end, prior to that he physically hurt himself to keep control over me. He would rant accusations about things I had done or not done, and then begin hurting himself while telling me that it was my fault. He accused me of cheating once and the rant began while I was getting ready to leave for work. I tried to calm the situation as best I could in order to leave but that only made things worse. As I was about to walk out the door (trying even harder to leave the situation) he grabbed a kitchen knife and began slashing his arms so badly I ended up being unable to go to work because I had to figure out what to do with him. He kept repeating that he wouldn't live if I left but refused to go to the emergency room because he would "have to tell them what I did and he didn't want me to get in trouble" because he was convinced I had mentally driven him to hurt himself so I would be the one arrested. Other times he would start punching himself in the face and head repeatedly until I gave into whatever demands he was asking for. He would call me while I was at work or out somewhere and start telling me he was going to get in his car and drive it into a wall somewhere if I didn't come home immediately and "talk to him" about whatever he was accusing me of that day. It got so bad that I nearly lost my job (because if I didn't answer my cell phone he would then begin obsessively calling my job until I answered) and I was afraid to leave because of what he might do while I was gone. He obsessively called my parents if I didn't answer on the first ring to the point that they had to have their numbers changed and I had to keep their new ones hidden. Their telling him not to call them any more just made him start showing up on their doorstep. He "was just there to tell them what their daughter did to him" that day and didn't understand why they didn't want to hear about it. He said it was because he just wanted them to know their daughter was awful so they would disown me. (by the way, this occurred after I had already left him. The police said they couldn't do anything because he hadn't threatened them). The above was just the tip of his roller coaster.

So I get how abuse doesn't need to be physical in order to be emotionally traumatizing.

There HAD to be warning signs of this behavior before you married him. Why did you ignore them?