A good parenting time schedule for infants and toddlers?

[Rightstobaby]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Caroina

I have posted before, but I was wondering if anyone can offer advice on a good co-parenting schedule for an infant and toddler? I am going to be breastfeeding, but have already purchased a Medela breastpump so the issue with breastfeeding will only be applicable until my milk supply is established and I can pump for Dad to give baby a bottle.

We are not married, so will never have lived in the same home. I have read a lot of conflicting articles on whether or not overnight visits are harmful to a child's development. Does anyone have experience they can share? I work from home, so baby will not need daycare.

Dad is a police officer and works a rotational schedule as far as his days off. When he is working, he is gone from his home from 5:00 am until 5:00 pm.

What should we establish as a schedule and/or what is the general trend in child custody in North Carolina when it comes to shared time for infants and toddlers.

Thank you...

 

[seniorjudge]

We are not married, so will never have lived in the same home. I have read a lot of conflicting articles on whether or not overnight visits are harmful to a child's development. Does anyone have experience they can share? I work from home, so baby will not need daycare.

Are you telling me that there are people who write articles that say that spending time with a parent is bad for a child?

Holy cow.

I'm really behind the times.

Don't get your advice out of a book or magazine. You and dad sit down and figure out how each parent can spend as much time with the kids as possible.

 

[mistoffolees]

Are you telling me that there are people who write articles that say that spending time with a parent is bad for a child?

Holy cow.

I'm really behind the times.

Don't get your advice out of a book or magazine. You and dad sit down and figure out how each parent can spend as much time with the kids as possible.

I agree. However, before having that discussion, they may want to google 'infant visitation plans' or something like that to get some ideas.

Also note that there is no right answer. Even if you didn't have the father's difficult schedule to deal with, every child is different and responds differently.

For example, the one key factor for infants is that visits should be frequent, even if brief. 3 hours per day is far better than 2 days every other week, even though there are more hours in the latter. As the child gets older, visits can be longer and the gaps can grow. My daughter was about 7 when we divorced and went to alternating weeks - which worked very well for her. I don't know what we'd have done if we had divorced when she was younger.

I applaud their efforts to work together on the process. Theirs is a particularly difficult situation for several reasons.

 

[MichaCA]

I found the custody chapter in Barry Brazelton's "The Irreducible Needs of Children" incredible. It doesn't coincide with many states custody guidelines except he does use Washington State's guidelines in the book. I have also raised a child where her parents never lived together...the advice he gave just resonated with me and my style of parenting...

daily visits from dad (builds up) the importance of not threatening the babies/toddlers bond with their primary caregiver and how to do that.

 

[seniorjudge]

Good post, MicahCA.

 

[Proserpina]

There's a good (if brief) excerpt here:

http://info.iphc.org/globaldesk/childneeds.html

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Caroina

I have posted before, but I was wondering if anyone can offer advice on a good co-parenting schedule for an infant and toddler? I am going to be breastfeeding, but have already purchased a Medela breastpump so the issue with breastfeeding will only be applicable until my milk supply is established and I can pump for Dad to give baby a bottle.

We are not married, so will never have lived in the same home. I have read a lot of conflicting articles on whether or not overnight visits are harmful to a child's development. Does anyone have experience they can share? I work from home, so baby will not need daycare.

Dad is a police officer and works a rotational schedule as far as his days off. When he is working, he is gone from his home from 5:00 am until 5:00 pm.

What should we establish as a schedule and/or what is the general trend in child custody in North Carolina when it comes to shared time for infants and toddlers.

Thank you...

Generally, short and frequent visits for dad are the best for brand new babies, with those visits taking place in mom's home to start off with.

Then after mom's milk supply is stable enough to both feed the baby AND pump, short, frequent visits outside of mom's home are recommended, and the over time, gradually increasing those visits to longer lengths, and then eventually to single overnights, and then eventually to a more standard schedule.

Unfortunately, dad's work schedule is going to be problematic with setting any kind of parenting schedule. If the two parents get along well enough to be flexible and amicable with each other, then once dad is at the point of longer or overnight visits those should take place on dad's days off.

I don't think that anyone here, or any judge would consider it to be in the baby's best interest to spend 12-14 hours in daycare on dad's "days" when mom works from home and can care for the child, nor would it be in the baby's best interest to be exchanged at 4-4:30 AM so dad can be at work at 5AM.

 

[LdiJ]

Are you telling me that there are people who write articles that say that spending time with a parent is bad for a child?

Holy cow.

I'm really behind the times.

Don't get your advice out of a book or magazine. You and dad sit down and figure out how each parent can spend as much time with the kids as possible.

No you aren't. What the articles say is that with an infant attachment disorders can happen if the infant is constantly pulled back and forth between environments. Feeling "secure" is extremely important for infants and a constantly changing environment can cause infants to withdraw and not bond properly with anyone...which leads to later problems. One example of that is that if the child is securely bonded to mom (which is the most common scenario in unwed situations) then if the infant views dad as the person who makes mom go away, it messes with the infant's head. So, the more time that mom and dad are both present, the easier things are for the child.

One of the studies I read said that two parents of an infant could greatly reduce the potential for attachment disorders if they were very consistent with other things.

And its very surprising what kind of "other things" make a difference. Of course the child's schedule makes a big difference. That should be consistent . If daycare is needed the same daycare provider should be used...no brainer there.

However, very little things can make a huge difference. Smell is a major factor with infants. If things smell the same at both mommy and daddy's house the infant will feel more secure. So mom and dad using the same laundry detergent, fabric softener, air fresheners, baby bath products etc. makes the child feel more secure.

If the same mobile is above the crib in both homes it makes the child feel more secure. If things look the same at mommy and daddy's house the infant will be more secure. If the blankies and crib toys are the same at both homes the child feels more secure.

Breastfeeding is a major issue of contention. Everyone knows that healthwise breastfeeding is better for the child. However, for the child its far different to be actually breastfed than to get breast milk from a bottle. All of the senses are different for the child. Personally, despite the health bennies, I think that an infant that has to go to daycare or be split between parents is likely better off being fed formula after mom's maternity leave...or be being fed breast milk from a bottle at both homes.

Anyway, the entire point I am making is that infants are human beings with emotions and thoughts of their own...and they NEED consistency. They can equally bond to mom and dad but if mom and dad are on the same page it will go SO much better for the infant.

 

[nextwife]

And all the attachment disorder studies I've seen show that it is not the "environment " changing that causes attachment disorders, but a pattern of failure by the child's caregivers to consistantly meet the child's needs. In many cultures, extended family or even the whole village helps care for the children, and some peoples are nomadic, constantly changing "environments". What enhances bonding with the primary caregivers is the child learning their needs will be met. In other words, being comforted when they cry, being changed when wet, being fed when hungry. And learning to associate the faces and presence of that comfort with their parents.

As the parent of a post institutionalized child, I was on many web groups with parents of other PI kids working through real attachment disorders and therapies. These kids had RAD not because their environment changed, but because they had learned that nobody would care if they cried or were hungry. My kiddo didn't cry when hurt, she just picked herself up and kept going because she was used to nobody caring if she cried. The environment was consistent - that's not what causes RAD!

On the contrary, it is strongly shown that the child learning that the faces of their parents are there to rock them to sleep and comfort them in the night, and be the face they see to hold and change and feed them enhances the attachment process. I get really tired of seeing attachment disorder studies, most of which are based on our orphanage kids, being used to wrongly justify reducing the NCPs overnights. Having Dad also serve in the role of comforter, first face to see in the morning helps enhance their bonding and attachment.

 

[CJane]

OP? What sort of schedule does the father WANT? I mean TRULY want?

Obviously, with his work schedule, he can't really do a "standard" schedule.

Biases against the idea that it's in an infant's best interests to have their primary care provider/need meeter be the same person fairly consistently for the first few months, at least... that's what's supported in most every state, and is what is considered to be in the best interests of the child.

So it's likely that Dad, if he chooses to exercise the time, will be given a few shortish visits each week, and you can of course allow more time than ordered at your discretion.

Gradually, more time will be made available to Dad, but again, his work schedule is going to be a concern. You will ALL THREE need to be committed to being flexible with time and making the most of the time that's available.

But you'd have to do that if you were planning to be WITH him. Yanno? Frankly, if you were planning an intact family, how much actual child rearing time do you think he'd be contributing? Think about THAT while you're thinking about what's "fair" to him...

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

With my boy's dad, we had to have a flexible schedule because his shifts rotated. We actually worked out a schedule where he had the children on his days off whether they were Tuesday-Wednesday or Saturday - Sunday. They key was focusing on the childrens' needs and not mine.

In this case, if you can propose a schedule that would allow for a schedule that will work with dad's days off, if would be good for the children.

Now, dad lived in our school district so if he had the children during the week, HE took care of them getting to school, etc.

In this case, once your milk supply is in, if dad can have an overnight on his days off and see kiddo on short visits on other days, it would be good for the child.

If you go for a rotating schedule, then I would have clearly marked calendars that would define the schedule so that BOTH parties can make plans in their lives.

 

[Rightstobaby]

Hi,

Dad says he wants 50/50 from birth - literally from the day we leave the hospital - so he doesn't owe child support. He said on his "days" the baby would have to adjust to the early hours of getting up and I could watch him during the day while he works. Basically...Dad has a lot to learn about babies...and it just wouldn't be good for a babyt.

I have said I would like to offer visits of 2-3 hours as often as he can until the baby is a few months old. After that time, I will pump and send him with milk for visits of (2) 3 hour visits after work and (1) 6-10 hour visit on his days off . At 6-9 months, we would begin an overnight on his day off with the schedule growing in time, duration, etc as the baby gets older. Does this seem reasonable? The biggest thing for me are that I am not willing to let him have the baby (overnight) on work days when he would need to wake him up at 4:00 am. Also, my milk supply has to establish before he can just "take him away" for hours at a time so the baby can have pumped breastmilk.

If we were setting up an intact family, he would see him in the evening from 5:30 pm - 8:00 pm on work nights and "may" see him for 4-10 hours on one of his days off. He currently works a second job on his days off, which he has said he is going to cut back on in order to have the baby more time. He would not, realistically, spend any more time with him than that schedule based on his work, etc.

He is set against this idea and doesn't seem willing to negotiate right now, but I am hoping he will come around after the baby is here. I want to avoid court and things getting "ugly" if at all possible, but don't feel I should just give in to his demands for the sake of avoiding court.

In anyone's experience, is there any way I can get him to be more reasonable or a better way I can approach a graduated time schedule?

Thank you...

 

[candg918]

You have not mentioned your job into the equation - unless that is the 6-10 visit you mention. It seems that his ability to watch the baby when you were working on his days off would be a plus to all.

 

[Rightstobaby]

I work from home, so the baby will not need daycare. My plan has been to allow him to spend longer periods of time with the baby on days off.

 

[mistoffolees]

Hi,

Dad says he wants 50/50 from birth - literally from the day we leave the hospital - so he doesn't owe child support. He said on his "days" the baby would have to adjust to the early hours of getting up and I could watch him during the day while he works. Basically...Dad has a lot to learn about babies...and it just wouldn't be good for a babyt.

I have said I would like to offer visits of 2-3 hours as often as he can until the baby is a few months old. After that time, I will pump and send him with milk for visits of (2) 3 hour visits after work and (1) 6-10 hour visit on his days off . At 6-9 months, we would begin an overnight on his day off with the schedule growing in time, duration, etc as the baby gets older. Does this seem reasonable? The biggest thing for me are that I am not willing to let him have the baby (overnight) on work days when he would need to wake him up at 4:00 am. Also, my milk supply has to establish before he can just "take him away" for hours at a time so the baby can have pumped breastmilk.

If we were setting up an intact family, he would see him in the evening from 5:30 pm - 8:00 pm on work nights and "may" see him for 4-10 hours on one of his days off. He currently works a second job on his days off, which he has said he is going to cut back on in order to have the baby more time. He would not, realistically, spend any more time with him than that schedule based on his work, etc.

He is set against this idea and doesn't seem willing to negotiate right now, but I am hoping he will come around after the baby is here. I want to avoid court and things getting "ugly" if at all possible, but don't feel I should just give in to his demands for the sake of avoiding court.

In anyone's experience, is there any way I can get him to be more reasonable or a better way I can approach a graduated time schedule?

Thank you...

Dad has some serious learning to do.

First, even if you have 50:50 time, he could be paying child support if he earns more than you (or vice versa, of course).

Second, custody is not going to be determined on what's best for Dad or Mom, but what's best for the child. The court is not going to allow him to mess up an infant's schedule like that. No baby is going to adjust to being woken up at 4 am so Dad can go to work.

You really have two choices: getting him to see reason or getting the court to order it. Obviously, option #1 is better. To get there, you might arrange for the two of you to meet with a pediatrician or child psychologist to jointly work out a parenting plan. It will be harder for him to argue with them than with you (you will, of course need to listen to all their suggestions - even the ones YOU don't like and never, ever say "I told you so"). You could also use another neutral party (pastor, etc), but I would argue against it unless they're experts in child development.

If that doesn't work, then you're left with the legal method. There are a couple of options. But basically, you'll need the court to make the decision. What I would recommend is that you request a custody evaluator to be appointed by the court. That will ensure that the decision is being made by an expert rather than a judge who may or may not know what he's doing.