A good parenting time schedule for infants and toddlers?

[Ohiogal]

I work from home, so the baby will not need daycare. My plan has been to allow him to spend longer periods of time with the baby on days off.

I work from home as well. Doesn't mean daycare is NOT necessary or will not be required.

 

[mistoffolees]

I work from home as well. Doesn't mean daycare is NOT necessary or will not be required.

Agreed. If you're being paid to do a job at home, that means doing the job - not changing diapers and chasing a kid around all day. Taking breaks to spend a few minutes with them is one thing. Planning to take care of them all day while you're supposed to be doing a paid job is another thing entirely.

 

[Rightstobaby]

Well, the nice thing is that it is my company, and I have a 7 year old son who was home with me his entire life, so I know it works out great. Also, being that it is my business, I work my schedule around my little ones needs!

 

[LdiJ]

Well, the nice thing is that it is my company, and I have a 7 year old son who was home with me his entire life, so I know it works out great. Also, being that it is my business, I work my schedule around my little ones needs!

Just something for you to be aware of....While I am particularly impressed that you are trying to work things out with dad, you should realize that you honestly don't have to work anything out with him at all...at least not right away. You will be the only parent with any custodial or parenting time rights after the baby is born, due to the unwed situation.

Therefore dad honestly cannot insist on 50/50 right from leaving the hospital. Dad is basically at your mercy until he takes it to court and either there is a mediated agreement or a judge decides.

I would recommend allowing him to visit all that he likes, in your home, until he initiates a court action to establish everything.

I am telling you this because some cops have a tendency to "bully" people and situations a bit to get things the way that they want them. Its an unfortunate offshoot of the way that they are required to be while they are working.

Court orders protect everyone.

 

[CJane]

I work from home as well. Doesn't mean daycare is NOT necessary or will not be required.

But it doesn't mean that it WILL be required either.

I took Twain to my office with me from the time he was 2 days old until he was 8 weeks old. I did my job all day long -- just like I always had, with the exception of breast-feeding breaks every couple of hours, and I had a pack and play next to my desk instead of a plant.

 

[liandrajade]

I am telling you this because some cops have a tendency to "bully" people and situations a bit to get things the way that they want them. Its an unfortunate offshoot of the way that they are required to be while they are working.

Ironically, being married to a police officer, I can say that is not 100% true, unfortunately some are being bullies on purpose BECAUSE they have the badge{not mine of course}, harsh truth coming from a cop's wife but it is true. Some people have a superiority complex before they get on the job and the authority and power gets to them.

 

[CJane]

Hi,

Dad says he wants 50/50 from birth - literally from the day we leave the hospital - so he doesn't owe child support.

Yeah, not gonna happen. Wouldn't be seen by anyone (except maybe nextwife) as in the child's best interests to shift back and forth every other day, or do a week on/week off thing either.

The schedule you're proposing (especially given his schedule) is perfectly reasonable.

 

[LdiJ]

Ironically, being married to a police officer, I can say that is not 100% true, unfortunately some are being bullies on purpose BECAUSE they have the badge{not mine of course}, harsh truth coming from a cop's wife but it is true. Some people have a superiority complex before they get on the job and the authority and power gets to them.

I know its not 100% true, that is why I said "some".

 

[Rightstobaby]

Thank you for your replies. Unfortunately, he has a serious "bully" complex that I didn't see until the last 2 months of our relationship. I don't know if he hid it or I was blind, but either way...he wants it to be "my way or the highway!"

My plan is to stick to what I am offering him and if he wants to believe a judge will give him more, or 50/50, he can initiate legal action and we will go that route.

One question - if we begin overnights between 6/9/12 months...is it reasonable to begin with one overnight per week? When does that increase or what is the "standard" for how that increases with age? Does an overnight begin with a 4 pm - 10 am kind of thing? A 24 hour period? I want to do what is best for the baby and allow them to bond without throwing the baby into the deep end too quickly.

Thank you again...

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you for your replies. Unfortunately, he has a serious "bully" complex that I didn't see until the last 2 months of our relationship. I don't know if he hid it or I was blind, but either way...he wants it to be "my way or the highway!"

My plan is to stick to what I am offering him and if he wants to believe a judge will give him more, or 50/50, he can initiate legal action and we will go that route.

One question - if we begin overnights between 6/9/12 months...is it reasonable to begin with one overnight per week? When does that increase or what is the "standard" for how that increases with age? Does an overnight begin with a 4 pm - 10 am kind of thing? A 24 hour period? I want to do what is best for the baby and allow them to bond without throwing the baby into the deep end too quickly.

Thank you again...

Here is how my state guidelines read, which can give you some ideas: (rule 1 refers to cases where the parents were married and living together when the baby was born). Scheduled holidays means the normal holidays the ncp would recieve (alternating holidays)

2. Parenting Time In Early Infancy. (Birth through Age 9 Months)

(A) Birth through Age 4 Months:

(1) Three (3) non-consecutive “days” per week of two (2) hours in length.

(2) All scheduled holidays of two (2) hours in length.

(3) Overnight if appropriate under Rule 1 above but not to exceed one (1) 24 hour period per week.

Commentary

The custodial home is the preferred place for this parenting time to occur. However, in some cases this may not be practical. Parenting time should occur in a stable place and without disruption of an infant's established routine.

(B) Age 5 Months through Age 9 Months:

(1) Three (3) non-consecutive “days” per week of three (3) hours per day. The child is to be returned at least one (1) hour before evening bedtime.

(2) All scheduled holidays of three (3) hours in length. The child is to be returned at least one (1) hour before evening bedtime.

(3) Overnight if appropriate under Rule 1 above but not to exceed one (1) 24 hour period per week.

3. Parenting Time In Later Infancy (Age 10 Months through Age 18 Months)

(A) Age 10 Months through Age 12 Months:

(1) Three (3) non-consecutive “days” per week, with one day on a “non-work” day for eight (8) hours. The other days shall be for three (3) hours each day. The child is to be returned at least one (1) hour before evening bedtime.

(2) All scheduled holidays for eight (8) hours. The child is to be returned at least one (1) hour before evening bedtime.

(3) Overnight if appropriate under Rule 1 above but not to exceed one (1) 24 hour period per week.

(B) Age 13 Months through Age 18 Months:

(1) Three (3) non-consecutive “days” per week, with one day on a “non-work” day for ten (10) hours. The other days shall be for three (3) hours each day. The child is to be returned at least one (1) hour before evening bedtime.

(2) All scheduled holidays for eight (8) hours. The child is to be returned at least (1) hour before evening bedtime.

(3) Overnight if appropriate under Rule 1 above but not to exceed one (1) 24 hour period per week.

(C) Age 19 Months through 36 Months:

(1) Alternate weekends on Saturdays for ten (10) hours and on Sundays for ten (10) hours. The child is to be returned at least one hour before bedtime, unless overnight is appropriate under Rule 1.

(2) One (1) “day” preferably in mid-week for three (3) hours, the child to be returned at least one (1) hour before evening bedtime, unless overnight during the week is appropriate under Rule 1.

(3) All scheduled holidays for ten (10) hours. The child is to be returned one hour before bedtime.

(4) If the non-custodial parent who did not initially have substantial care responsibilities has exercised the scheduled parenting time under these guidelines for at least nine (9) continuous months, overnight parenting time may take place.

 

[proud_parent]

And all the attachment disorder studies I've seen show that it is not the "environment " changing that causes attachment disorders, but a pattern of failure by the child's caregivers to consistantly meet the child's needs. In many cultures, extended family or even the whole village helps care for the children, and some peoples are nomadic, constantly changing "environments". What enhances bonding with the primary caregivers is the child learning their needs will be met. In other words, being comforted when they cry, being changed when wet, being fed when hungry. And learning to associate the faces and presence of that comfort with their parents.

As the parent of a post institutionalized child, I was on many web groups with parents of other PI kids working through real attachment disorders and therapies. These kids had RAD not because their environment changed, but because they had learned that nobody would care if they cried or were hungry. My kiddo didn't cry when hurt, she just picked herself up and kept going because she was used to nobody caring if she cried. The environment was consistent - that's not what causes RAD!

On the contrary, it is strongly shown that the child learning that the faces of their parents are there to rock them to sleep and comfort them in the night, and be the face they see to hold and change and feed them enhances the attachment process. I get really tired of seeing attachment disorder studies, most of which are based on our orphanage kids, being used to wrongly justify reducing the NCPs overnights. Having Dad also serve in the role of comforter, first face to see in the morning helps enhance their bonding and attachment.

I agree completely, nextwife.

I realize this thread is a bit stale, but there's a similar thread today and thus I just discovered this one.

[soapbox]

A principle tenet of attachment theory is that very young children are prone to form attachments with familiar caregivers, not just one primary caregiver or even a primary caregiver "team" comprising only Mom and Dad. The quality of the attachment is directly proportional to the caregiver's sensitivity, responsiveness, and consistency in addressing the child's needs.

Furthermore, the findings of studies into infant attachment in separated and divorced families are frequently over-simplified and/or spun to suit a particular journalistic bias when distilled for public consumption. Consider this article, which the OP linked in the other thread:

Babies' Attachment to Parents Affected by Overnights

When I read it, I perceive a clear bias against overnight visitation for infants under any circumstance, despite one of the researchers being quoted as emphasizing that failure to engage in co-parenting -- not differing environments, or frequency of transitions between environments -- is what makes such arrangements problematic. The researchers' conclusion is clearer when you read the original study, the abstract of which follows:

This study represents the first systematic investigation of the effects on infant attachment to mother and to father of the increasingly common practice of overnight visitation (time-sharing) with the father in separated and divorced families. There were 145 infants (ages 12 to 20 months) and their mothers (and 83 fathers*) who participated in the study. Parents completed questionnaires, were interviewed about their relationship with the baby, and were observed with their infants in the Strange Situation. Infants in separated/divorced families who had regular overnight visits with father (n = 44) were significantly less likely to be classified as secure and more likely to be classified as disorganized or unclassifiable in their attachment to mother than infants in a married comparison group (n = 52). Attachment classification to father was unrelated to visiting (time-sharing) arrangements, but infants were significantly more likely to be classified disorganized/unclassifiable with father in the separated/divorced groups (n = 39) than in dual-parent families (n = 44). Disorganized attachment to mother in the Overnight group was associated with maternal reports of low parent communication and high parent conflict, and with low maternal psychological protection of the infant, assessed from maternal interviews. Consistent with Bowlby's and Rutter's context-sensitive views of the effects of separation, the results suggest that repeated overnight separations from the primary caregiver are associated with disruption in mother-infant attachment when the conditions of visitation are poor, i.e. when parents are unable to provide adequate psychological support to the child.

*Did you notice that only 57% of the fathers participated , and that their involvement rated only parenthetical mention? Yeah, so did I.


As for this quote, which also garnered some comment in the other thread:

Because the successful attainment of these developmental tasks lays the foundation for secure and healthy children, parents should design a schedule that fits a child's needs at this stage. The best schedule, say the experts, is short but frequent time with the noncustodial parent: short because infants and toddlers can't maintain the image of their primary caretaker for long and frequent to enable them to bond with the noncustodial parent. Most psychologists agree there should be no overnight visitation for very young children.

There is no such consensus among psychologists who practice and research in this area.

BTW, this quote comes from "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Surviving Divorce", authored by two journalists and an attorney. I have not read the book, but since I'm no idiot and I'm not contemplating divorce, I think I'll look to other authorities for advice on child rearing.



[/soapbox]