Custody After Death of Custodial Parent

[Ohiogal]

See, I think I disagree with that. I think he always did. He was able to (excuse the pun) let his hair down and be who he wanted to be after they got divorced. This is probably who he's always been....

Well I can agree with you -- but she didn't mind him then when she decided to have his children.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I am presuming that mom has worked. There may be social security benefits to help support the children so that life with dad can improve; they may be able to afford moving out of the house on wheels.

There is the possibility that dad might not be interested in being a fulltime parent. Dad may be amenable to children going to sister instead if no one is looking for HIM to support them - think SS benefits.

 

[profmum]

See, I think I disagree with that. I think he always did. He was able to (excuse the pun) let his hair down and be who he wanted to be after they got divorced. This is probably who he's always been....

CC,with all due respect, this conclusion is far fetched. I do agree as OG said that we do have to take responsibility for the spouses/people we chose to procreate with. Believe me it has helped me deal with the constant legal battles with the ex, I remember him being very controlling before we had DD and yes he continues to try to be that way, and I made a choice to have a child with him.

I agree that tatoos,long hair and atheism not relevant at all when it comes to parenting skills. OP needs to let go of these issues. Heat and running water could be a reason and
untreated mental illness (and willfully so) SHOULD be a reason.

Depression is an illness and the person you married can change dramatically when dealing with an untreated mental illness and can possibly end up being an UNFIT parent.

OP says dad is refusing treatment, that she has a right to be concerned, we always tell posters that mental illness in itself is not a reason to take custody away but untreated mental illness that has resulted in suicide attempts for this dad can be a reason.

My sense is that dad will not step forward to raise his girl's when the time comes, but there may be limited options for OP at this point.

 

[CourtClerk]

CC,with all due respect, this conclusion is far fetched.

Not as far fetched as you think it is unless you believe that people change who they are all the time in the middle of the game just because.

Depression is an illness and the person you married can change dramatically when dealing with an untreated mental illness and can possibly end up being an UNFIT parent.

One does not hide untreated mental illness for 20 years and 2 kids.

Shoot, having 2 kids will bring on mental illness.

 

[DARIAGRAY]

I am truly sorry about your situation. I don't know what advice to give, but I do understand your concerns about the father. Do you know if he wants custody? I don't know much about how courts work, but I do know that they will look to him to take custody first and foremost. I would like to believe that the state wouldn't let your children be in a situation where they would be neglected or abused, and if they find that to be the case with the father, they would find more suitable guardians, but I'm sure they would probably give him an amount of time to become suitable at the least. Other than that, have you talked with your lawyer about all this? Has he/she talked to you about all this? You might try writing a letter or making a videotape stating these concerns as to why you prefer your sister and her husband as guardians over the father. I only say that because it might be beneficial in future court proceedings if and when your sister and husband try for custody. Kind of like a testimony from you.

Also one good thing is that your children are old enough to know when something is wrong(abuse/neglect) and would be able to report to the appropriate authorities, right? And I'm sure they could voice where they want to live if the court chooses to listen to them.

Again, I'm not that adept at legal matters, only trying to offer suggestions and words of comfort. I know it has to be hard for you to bear all this. My heart goes out to you and your children.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

If it were me in this situation, I would hope that I would have talked with dad about what might/would happen when I pass away. OP may be worrying for no reason. Or, dad is interested in raising the children.

If OP is in this stage, and it does not go in remission, consider hospice. It also provides counseling for the children.

Has the OP prepared all her paperwork so that the executor of her estate has fewer issues?

 

[jenniferbockey]

Have talked to my sister and have a power of attorney, trust, will and a letter from myself detailed my wishes, concerns, etc. Also, have copies of police reports and other information that might be needed if it comes to it. My ex does not want to discuss my cancer in terms of eventual outcome. All he will tell me is that if he needs to he will figure out a way to handle the girls but he is doing the best he can right now but every day is a battle for him to hang on. My "estate" is completely in order. I am in good health at the moment as far as my cancer is concerned but my doctor has been straight up that once the cancer has invaded my soft tissue (liver in this case), five year life expectancy is < 5 percent.

I am not going to debate any further if I am trying to make my ex who I want him to be. He has been diagnosed with clinical depression not by me but by several psychologists. He is suicidal and has been seen at the hospital mental ward and the county agencies but he will not take medicate that has been prescribed. He goes to AA but hates everyone there so I don't know if he will continue to stick with it. He has to go for his DUIs but after that is over I am not sure what will happen.

My family will not get into trouble because they are looking after the interests of my children. Certainly they will request a review if it comes to that. I will continue to try to discuss with him the kids future but he is not one to plan beyond today so these discussions are not fruitful.

For the record, his change in mental condition has occured over time (last five years of our marriage). I didn't get "knocked up" by a nut case through reckless actions. I was married and we had a very good marriage. He had his issues when I married him but who doesn't. I don't know what really happened and I would have done anything to save our marriage... I didn't take getting divorced lightly at all. By the way, he was a good Christian man. He and I both are Catholic and raised Catholic. He used to believe in God.
His hatred of God now is just a very radical change in his self. I don't believe who he is today is who he always was and wanted to be. He hates who he is and says that he hates who he has become. You can pin this on me if you want. I have spent many nights since being divorced sitting on the other end of the phone with him because he wanted to kill himself and was afraid. I have gone to the emergency room with him, county mental health agencies, suicide hotlines. I went to counseling and they advised me I was enabling him and was going to remain a victim as long as I did this. It never helped regardless and last winter I had to take care of myself finally.

I could write a book. ... but I'll stop now.

 

[summerdawn]

I am presuming that mom has worked. There may be social security benefits to help support the children so that life with dad can improve; they may be able to afford moving out of the house on wheels.

There is the possibility that dad might not be interested in being a fulltime parent. Dad may be amenable to children going to sister instead if no one is looking for HIM to support them - think SS benefits.

Not to be argumentative here, but did anyone think that he might like living in an RV? There is a large group of people who think rving "is a lifestyle." This group includes parents with children, too. We have a huge RV show at the fairplex over here annually and you would probably be surprised at the amount of families that come in who live in rvs, homeschool, and just spend their time traveling. It sounds like dad is kind of a nonconformist (motorcycle andstuff) and maybe living in a "house on wheels" is something that helps to make him feel free. Hopefully, if he gets the kids, he will at least hook said Rv up to a water/heat supply...

Someday when my kids are older i'm gonna buy an RV and travel. Ok, maybe a VW bus because it's more my budget. (Cum bah yahhhhh, my Lord....)

 

[summerdawn]

Have talked to my sister and have a power of attorney, trust, will and a letter from myself detailed my wishes, concerns, etc. Also, have copies of police reports and other information that might be needed if it comes to it. My ex does not want to discuss my cancer in terms of eventual outcome. All he will tell me is that if he needs to he will figure out a way to handle the girls but he is doing the best he can right now but every day is a battle for him to hang on. My "estate" is completely in order. I am in good health at the moment as far as my cancer is concerned but my doctor has been straight up that once the cancer has invaded my soft tissue (liver in this case), five year life expectancy is < 5 percent.

I am not going to debate any further if I am trying to make my ex who I want him to be. He has been diagnosed with clinical depression not by me but by several psychologists. He is suicidal and has been seen at the hospital mental ward and the county agencies but he will not take medicate that has been prescribed. He goes to AA but hates everyone there so I don't know if he will continue to stick with it. He has to go for his DUIs but after that is over I am not sure what will happen.

My family will not get into trouble because they are looking after the interests of my children. Certainly they will request a review if it comes to that. I will continue to try to discuss with him the kids future but he is not one to plan beyond today so these discussions are not fruitful.

For the record, his change in mental condition has occured over time (last five years of our marriage). I didn't get "knocked up" by a nut case through reckless actions. I was married and we had a very good marriage. He had his issues when I married him but who doesn't. I don't know what really happened and I would have done anything to save our marriage... I didn't take getting divorced lightly at all. By the way, he was a good Christian man. He and I both are Catholic and raised Catholic. He used to believe in God.
His hatred of God now is just a very radical change in his self. I don't believe who he is today is who he always was and wanted to be. He hates who he is and says that he hates who he has become. You can pin this on me if you want. I have spent many nights since being divorced sitting on the other end of the phone with him because he wanted to kill himself and was afraid. I have gone to the emergency room with him, county mental health agencies, suicide hotlines. I went to counseling and they advised me I was enabling him and was going to remain a victim as long as I did this. It never helped regardless and last winter I had to take care of myself finally.

I could write a book. ... but I'll stop now.

About the above post, Jennifer, (my above post, not yours) I was not trying to make fun of you or your situation. (I really like rvs, sorry.)

If you are in good health now, why would the doctor say something about it invading your soft tissue? Is this merely a possibility or is the doctor under the impression that it is definitely going to happen? Are you in remission right now? You have no more treatment options?

I understand wanting to be reassured just in case, but it seems that you have already resigned yourself to definitely not lasting through this...is there a medical reason or are you just trying to be prepared for anything that could happen? There are so many breakthroughs with cancer nowadays, I hope you are not giving up before you should...

(Yeah, I know, emotional post, people. Sue me.)

 

[Isis1]

Shoot, having 2 kids will bring on mental illness.

that would explain alot on my end with 4 kids.... medical degree or not.....

OP, from your earlier post is does sound as if dad is willing to step up. by your own words. he just doesn't want to deal with it NOW. so give him the info he needs. how to file for your SS benefits for your children. affordable housing. standby guardianship with your sister so dad knows he has support in case he feels overwhelmed. welfare office for food stamps and aid to start off with to help him get off his butt. sister and her husband should make nice with him to let him know he has their help. it will make him stronger knowing he's not alone.

 

[jenniferbockey]

Sorry I wasn't real clear. The cancer has already spread to my liver and bones. I went through chemo this spring/summer and I am on maintenance chemo. I had a scan and there is no visible cancer right now. However, the doctor said that once it is spread to soft tissue like the liver, it doesn't really go away but lies "dormant' per se and will reoccur. Therefore my concern being more of a when than an if regarding the cancer. They will not really call Stage IV cancer as being in remission.

Yes, I will discuss all the various options.. social security, welfare, etc with him and try. My sister has continually encouraged me to maintain a tolerant and amicable relationship with him. I never deny him access to his kids when asked (although rarely) and she has constantly reinforced this positive type of relationship. I have no doubt she would continue this once I am gone.

My ex is fiscally irresonsble. I had to cash in a 401 to get myself out of debt.

thanks for the advice.

 

[Ohiogal]

Sorry I wasn't real clear. The cancer has already spread to my liver and bones. I went through chemo this spring/summer and I am on maintenance chemo. I had a scan and there is no visible cancer right now. However, the doctor said that once it is spread to soft tissue like the liver, it doesn't really go away but lies "dormant' per se and will reoccur. Therefore my concern being more of a when than an if regarding the cancer. They will not really call Stage IV cancer as being in remission.

Yes, I will discuss all the various options.. social security, welfare, etc with him and try. My sister has continually encouraged me to maintain a tolerant and amicable relationship with him. I never deny him access to his kids when asked (although rarely) and she has constantly reinforced this positive type of relationship. I have no doubt she would continue this once I am gone.

My ex is fiscally irresonsble. I had to cash in a 401 to get myself out of debt.

thanks for the advice.

You don't see yourself as fiscally irresponsible? By the bolded, while dad may not be responsible, you are not responsible either.

 

[summerdawn]

Sorry I wasn't real clear. The cancer has already spread to my liver and bones. I went through chemo this spring/summer and I am on maintenance chemo. I had a scan and there is no visible cancer right now. However, the doctor said that once it is spread to soft tissue like the liver, it doesn't really go away but lies "dormant' per se and will reoccur. Therefore my concern being more of a when than an if regarding the cancer. They will not really call Stage IV cancer as being in remission.

Yes, I will discuss all the various options.. social security, welfare, etc with him and try. My sister has continually encouraged me to maintain a tolerant and amicable relationship with him. I never deny him access to his kids when asked (although rarely) and she has constantly reinforced this positive type of relationship. I have no doubt she would continue this once I am gone.

My ex is fiscally irresonsble. I had to cash in a 401 to get myself out of debt.

thanks for the advice.

Good luck having your talk with your ex Jennifer. (You may have to have a few talks with him, and I hope he responds well.) As someone who has gone through recovery myself, (it is a continual process) I can tell you that it does take a while for a person to grow after getting sober...hopefully the time you have left (and who knows, maybe it will be a long time, if you are cancer free right now) will give him time to grow in his sobriety so that he feels like he is able to do more than merely try to stay sober and survive. Maybe you could start by contacting him on a regular basis and taking the kids out to see him so that they all get to know each other better?

 

[jenniferbockey]

Ohio Gal, here is some clarification. I had to cash in one of my 401Ks because he racked up so much debt unbeknownst to me. He maxed out two credit cards which was in my name and took none of the debt with him. He bascially moved out with his truck and never acknowleged the divorce in court. It was a default divorce.

I am very fiscally responsible. I kept our marital house with its first and second mortgage and have paid off all the credit card and most of the second mortgage. I don't get support and I don't have credit card balances. I maintain a 10 acre farm and completely support my children. We have a two cars and most of what we need because of my responsbility. You make flip statements without any knowledge. You are totally wrong. I don't go out and party. I don't date and I don't spend money foolishly. I take care of my kids and they are my first priority over everything. Before you take off on that note, I am not fat, ugly, bitchy, stupid, overbearing or anything else that would prohibit me from dating. I want my kids healed from a horrible experience and I want them stable and at peace. I won't go introducing men into their lives at this point in time.

You know maybe he likes living in a RV and driving around on a crotch rocket. In my view, it is not living your life in a fashion that puts a priority on your kids. I would like to live the last year of my life sailing around the caribean on a yacht and stop back and visit my kids once a month. I could sell everything I own and have enough money to do just that .... but I wouldn't abandon my kids to do so. He did. He terrorized them and me and then he left. Classify me however you want... drama queen... whatever. I have every right to be horrified at what my kids will face when I am gone. Going from living in a nice 4 bedroom home on a farm with a mom who comes home from work every night and cooks meals (we eat together every night), helps with homework, participates in school, ect to living in a camper on welfare with a father who they are afraid of and who hates everyting including himself scares the **** out of me.

 

[momofrose]

This thread is getting completely off track.

Their father will have custody of his children after you pass - that's the way it is...no matter how you feel about him or his choices. I suggest that you try to do what you can to facilitate the relationship so you may have some peace.