Custody/Can it be forced??

[Grace_Adler]

I just want to say good luck to you. I can understand where you're coming from. I've kind of seen it myself. Unless someone has seen or been in this situation before I don't think they are going to understand. Unfortunately no matter how hard you try, you can't always get the happy ending you want. Sometimes things are beyond repair too. It's got to be hard straightening out kids when one parent is difficult and you can't be helping them consistently like you want to. When my niece tried to murder her mom (my sister) that was the last straw after all the stunts she pulled and they were numerous. She went throuh counseling from age 13 to 18. She even had to get sent to a camp. None of it did any good. I think the only reason she acts half way decent now is because she is older. I don't know. Hope things work out, take care.

 

[Bruno6301]

Thanks Grace....

Thank you Grace...It just feels good knowing some people have compassion for an adult. Everything is still a mess, and appears to be getting gradually worse. We changed our phone number, and she calls him at work. He told her, "Fine call me at work when you arent's supposed to, let me lose my job, THEN see what you get outta me." She told him basically the harrassment will never stop. The state of NJ says she is NOT harrassing us. If you are a step parent in this state, you have NO rights...It is not fair at all....This state will obviously allow her to harrass me, and my husband forever. But, all I can do is stay calm, and try to ignore her. I just hope my marriage survives all of this. What others dont realize is what my husband told me the other day..."After those kids grow up and move on, I have you for the rest of my life..." All I ever wanted was peace between us, them, her and all. I guess that was a fantasy....It will never happen in real life. Thanks again to all those who can understand my situation, and I pray for you all that have similar situations....May God be with you all......One last thing....The way everyone in this situation acted, is what drove me to hate...I came to NJ a whole, calm, happy and mentally balanced woman....Now look at me. All this hate cannot be released...Praying has not even worked. But I will keep trying...thanks!

 

[dawn&jc]

bruno, you know what the kids are more important than whether you want them or not. they sound like all they really need is to be shown that you love them and that you love having them with you. my fiance's kids hate coming here because we have rules and have a structured environment and do not let them get away with everything.we fought for a year and a half to get at least joint physical custody so he can spend more time with them, the courts just laughed at him and gave her full custody. have you thought of suggesting joint? That way the kids would know that someone wants them and loves them, I have 2 children from a previous marriage and all together we have 8 kids between us. my 2 never get to see their father because he took his life, but i would welcome the problems of visitation with him just so my 2 would be able to have their father. luckily my fiance has become dad to them. try not to see things so one sided, think of the kids. All they really need is to know they are loved. and the threat of divorce if he has to take them omg that is not right. im sorry but its not, my fiance has 5 with his ex and even though they dont like it here if he were forced to take them i would welcome them in with open arms. you knew he had kids when you got with him, If you cant accept the kids that are his, then that just shows how you really feel for him. Im sorry if i sound rude but I am just thinking about the kids' emotional state here.

 

[kat1963]

Bruno, I'm e-mailing ya Hon. It's going to be a short one thru here until I get your regular addy, I will enclose mine in the e-mail. It helps to vent to someone who has been thru it before. I don't know what I would have done if someone hadn't sought me out from a similar forum and helped me thru the past few years.
Kindest regards;
KAT

 

[angrymomof2]

Bruno6301,



I dont blame you for the way you feel. We are in a similar situation. Although hubby and his ex werent ever married.

You do what you feel is right to protect your child no matter what. As a mother of 2 I would do whatever it takes to protect my children period. Let me tell u about my story a little and you can see it from my point. I'll try to keep it short.

Hubby gets a call from ex stating he needs to take a paternity test. and that hes not the only one to take it there are 6 men suppose to take the test. well guess what hubby is the only one that showed up (we just recently found this out). she couldnt locate the other men. hubby goes for paternity test ect the test shows he is in fact the father ect.
We then get a letter from state stating that he OWES 11,000 for when she got state aid. We hire a attorney our attorney states that it would be better if we got custody (the child was living with grandparent) Not sure about the reasoning

we go to court get custody (joint) we move this child into our home thinking everything is going to be great. we were going to give this child the love and stability that he needed.
thats when all hell broke loose. we were shocked to find out the things that we know now.
My son (4 yrs old) was sexually assaulted by this other child .
we then learned he has been receiving counseling when the counselors called me and asked why he wasnt in counseling. I said excuse me she repeated her question again i then told her i wasnt aware he was suppose to be in counseling.
I then told her about what my child was telling me and she then reported it to DHS. DHS comes to my home and talks to my son and he tells them what happened they tell us donot do anything until we hear from them. well that was over a year ago and still nothing.

This whole situation blew my mind i thought if i couldnt protect them in this world at least i could protect them in our home. boy was i wrong! after really thinking about what my son had been through i told hubby to give him back to his mother my only concern was helping my son get through his ordeal. I dont want to start a argument here because no one here knows the hell ive been through. this child turned my home inside out ect.
my son refuses to talk about it. i couldnt allow this to continue happening if i allowed that it could cost me my children Yes before any one asks i contacted a attorney who told me was it worth losing my kids over to keep him in my home i told him no.
the attorney said it would be better to give him back to mother

this is just brief as to what ive been through. it almost cost me my marriage everything. you must remember that we never knew this child exsisted until we were notified. had hubby known he had another child out there he would have done what was right. he was just as shocked as i was and we both done the very best we could but when you have one parent thats tries to teach you right from wrong and another parent that just dont give a damn.

I really symphathize with you cause i know what its like to have your world turned upside down and all that. Dont judge anyone until you walk a mile in their shoes is what i always tell people.
and i wouldnt wish this on any one.
i dont agree with the legal system and there way of doing things its not fair. This situation is very screwed up and i didnt tell you everything thats happened cause it would take a book i just wanted you to know that I dont bleam you for the way you feel.
you did your best and thats better than doing nothing.

your main concern right now is your child it was hard for me because it seemed no matter what I did someone was gonna get hurt. Also i had to keep this from happening again i had other children to protect. You arent the only one out there that had a kid just about destroy everything. i for one can see what you have been through having been there myself and its not pretty and i am really sorry about your loss. well hope to talk soon.

angrymomof2 (tn)

 

[Bruno6301]

I thank you too AngryMom of 2

It is looking to me like a lot of us are going through so much but are afriad to tell anyone because we all feel the same>We have no rights...You know I am so tired of hearing "You knew he has 3 kids" "You knew this when you married him" Well, guess what...He knew we were getting married, and that I wanted to love those kids, and him. I wanted to make a home for them, and I wanted just to be a good influence to them and even to go as far as to like thieir mother...All that was trashed by those kids and their mother, and HER family....My husband's ex inlaws hate him so bad that it is not funny...Those weekends where we had to drop the kids to see their mother for 3 hours, were the worst kind of hell on this earth....They would attack my husband, and I was the one to say. "Not in front of the kids"...I guess I will do something..I will tell most of this story which has only been going on less than 2 years....I met my husband, and he was in a terrible auto accident on the job as a LEO. Well, I came 576 miles to help him, and to take care of all of them...I KNEW he had them, and had all the love in my heart to give to them all....The ex-inlaws of his, ie: HER family said "They could not control them, and they weren't going to watch them as he tried to work 13 hours a day to care for them"...We knew we loved each other and wanted to marry, so I left my job, and home in another state to come here. I loved this man so much, and yes those kids.....Well, as soon as I got here, nothing I did was good enough. This I heard from the same people that did not want to care for them..All of a sudden they wanted them in their lives...Trashing my husband all the way. Needless to say, it got worse and worse, and they started seeing their mother overnights, and it was unbearable. They trashed our home, yelled screamed and cursed at my husband, and when he would try to dicipline them, they told peole that they were being abused. We were investigated and of course, cleared. They made it clear they wanted their MOTHER and no one else...I would have to clean our 3 story home at 3 am while my husband worked, and I was 3 months pregnant, hauling laundry, etc...Then one Sat afternoon, I nearly bled to death in our driveway. Only to come home in days to the same hellish life....Then we were dragged into court for the "Best Interest of the Children"...their mother filed to have custody. My husband, knowing all the hell we were going through, allowed it along with the courts approval...She convinced the COURT OFFICIALS that the was ready, capable, and was remarried and pregnant, therefore she was stable. Well, guess what...Old habits are hard to break....her marriage is over in less than a year, and now she says that she may cannot take care of them...Myhusband said, "She wanted them to the point of nearly killing us, and ruining us, therefore she HAS them, and they are staying"...I have to agree....I cannot live that life again, and it will cause my marriage to end if the state of NJ says that he HAS to take them...My husband is not taking them back...They dont love him, and have expressed that a million times...When he was nearly killed in his accident, I felt a part of me nearly die, and they wanted to know where they are going to get their school clothes??? Believe me, they ARE (according to many) old enough to know human compassion ....they dont care, and they dont care that I lost a baby, and NOW they are wondering when they can see the baby!!! They are violent as hell, will destroy everything they touch, and thieir own aunt said "no More" "They arent destroying my home"...Well, I know in my heart my husband and I will probably be in Purgetory forever for how we feel, but I cannot help it....I cannot take anymore....He know this, and said that I am not going to...We will see...She is still calling, and threatening us...This is not the whole story, but enough to see where I come from....Thank you for understanding that I too, have feelings, and I did try,......My husband just holds me, and he asks my forgiveness for it all....I dont know if I will ever be the same.....Again, thanks.....

 

[angrymomof2]

Gosh my heart goes out to you. I can feel your exact pain why because i was in the same boat. Not anymore I told my hubby I am through with this situation that my prorities (sp) are with our two children. I have told hubby and the mother of this other child that what ever they decide that was between them to leave me out of it. I was supportive in the beginning. I havent told him he cant see this child the only thing i did ask him was if and when he decided to go get him not to bring him back to our home.

I have been threatened cursed at you name it and thats why Im done with this whole mess. I have been to doctor and they told me i was severely depressed and put me on anti-depresants
which i am now off of. My husband wants nothing to do with this child and vice-versa they didnt even know each other when we got custody. Hubby wanted to do what was right and look what happened it almost destroyed us.

He said if he had been told years ago things might be different but there is nothing there. My hubbys ex sounds like your hubbys ex. Its hard because it seems no matter what decision we make its never good enough. she was never ordered to pay CS or anything for that matter. I think laws should be changed. if a mother doesnt notify a father with a certain amount of time she cant notify him later and get back child support which is what shes threatened to do and she also stated she was gonna see to it that we lose everything we have. well i for one couldnt try and destroy anyones life that way.

we have worked very hard for what we have no one gave us anything. i can understand where you are coming from having been there myself. I refuse to allow her to destroy what we have built together.

If i were you I would go toradio shack and get a tape recorder and tape her threatening you and your hubby or whatever. The lawyer i talked to told me to block her number from my house. if that doesnt help take a restraining order out on her or what ever its called and file harassment charges against her. Let her know you arent gonna take anymore. well you are in my prayers sorry for ranting but i get so mad when other people try to destroy someones lives.

You know something dont worry about what people think you are a person too you have feeling too. are you suppose tolet people walk all over you and not do anything. what about your hubby is he supportive of how you feel? It seems to me that we are damned if we do damned if we dont. your right about us not having any rights. they put someone elses child in your home and you cant even correct them. how are we suppose to teach them right from wrong if we have no say? its just not fair

 

[Grace_Adler]

I just thought of something else too. If you don't protect your biological children, and yourselves. Guess what..if anything happens..if the state wanted to be a-holes they could press charges against you for negligence and a whole lot of other things. If you have custody of a bunch of trouble makers and you can't handle them the law will come after you too because the law thinks you are responsible for their actions. I've seen it done many times to parents who didn't deserve to go to jail. So that's something to think about too. Not that I'm saying turn your back on those kids or any other child but you have to figure out what's best for everyone involved.

 

[Bruno6301]

Just more info.....

A few things I forgot to mention about the ex-wife.....It got back to us through a source that she was going to lie to his PD and tell them that he was physically abusing me...THAT would have cost him his job after they would have done an IA investigation...At the time, NO ONE WOULD believe that I had a few minor bangs...I went to shut a window, and it slammed instead of shutting, and I broke my finger, and in the same night, I burned my hand from a lamp...She saw this on one of the hellish visits, and told several people that he was abusing me..What I don't understand is this: Why in the world would she try and cost this man his job that he has done for 16 years, and then those kids would get nothing..??? I don't get her at all....She fusses about him and anything he does, then she turns around and does worse...They have an agreement in writing, that he pay 60% of all expenses, and she the remaining 40%. She send us the bills, and when we send her a copy with her share listed, she won't pay....He eats the whole bill...He told me the other night that he is only paying his share from now on, and even if his credit takes a beating, she is going to be left with the 40%. And he said, he is going to be punctual about sending her bills. He said that enough is enough...It seems when we bill her her share, she shuts up...at least for a while....I wonder if it will all stop one day....My husband told me just last night to go on and put in for a job transfer....I feel so lost. I am divorced and my exhusband and I had no children, but we divorced and we are actually friends...We just could not be married. Why can't all people just realize it when they arent right for each other, say, "Damn we made a mistake, let's just move on, and be friends"....I guess as far as my divorce, I was lucky.....He is not....Thanks for all those who supported me...and just listened...I can use all the guidance and advice I can get at this point....Will just take it all, good and bad, with a grain of salt.....Thanks!

 

[TxStep]

I just want to address what you said about his ex not paying her part of the bills. Don't let this ruin his credit. He will be sorry. What he can do is keep very good records of what he pays and what the ex owes him. Then he can sue her. If he has an order that states that she is supposed to pay 40% then she is legally obligated to. He can sue her, get a judgement, and then it will be on HER credit! With a judgement, it is even possible to place a lein or garnish wages. More work on your part, but it may work.