how to co-parent with a difficult ex

[gam]

And what is mom supposed to do if she is living paycheck to paycheck and cannot replace the clothing that dad never returns? I don't remember which forum it was on, (but I think it was this one) about 5 or 6 years ago and she was about to send her children to dad's for an extended visit and she did not know what to do about clothing. Every time the children went to dad's, dad's mother kept their clothing and this time the children only had about a week's worth of clothing as it was, and if she sent it all, she was going to have virtually nothing for them, and absolutely no money to purchase any more until a couple of weeks after they returned from dad's.

Several people here gave her the same kind of responses that we are seeing on this thread, and she eventually felt like she HAD to send the clothing...and once again, the clothing was kept. This put her in a very serious world of hurt financially...and if I remember dad wasn't paying his child support either.

Yes, its about our children and doing what is best for them. However, its sure not in any child's best interest to have to go to school for two weeks wearing the same outfit, because one of their parents was too much of a jerk to send their clothing back with them.

I have no clue what some think one should do in a case where there is no money to spend even a couple bucks each week to keep buying clothes that the other parent IS JUST GOING TO STEAL. It's the most childish behavior by that parent, cause the only one that harms is THE CHILD.

Sometimes it's not in the best interest of the child, to roll over and take the crap. When the kid grows up, you better prepare to answer why you did that, and why you didn't stop the behavior, and why you let the kid suffer. Both parents get the blame. Sometimes when you keep rolling over, keep taking that high road, the games keep on coming, and they got away with it, so they add in more games, and more games. Yep the child is real happy when they grow up that you just sat around and took that, and they suffered for it.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I would DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT the hours that dad works, along with the hours the specified babysitter was used and the lack of utilizing ROFR. The dealership should have his hours; have an attorney subpoena them for court to support your documentation.

As for growing a pair, I finally found my backbone and didn't let the X intimidate me. This did improve somewhat. He still hasn't paid what he owes me, but the paperwork is being prepared for garnishment. As for the rest, as the children got older, they realized WHICH parent was the parent who gave a d*** about them.

 

[breezymom]

Also you could go to the food pantries. Many of them have clothing that you can pick up a couple of grocery bags full each month. Fill them with clothes for your son to send him in to go to Dad's.

Yes, some folks just go out of their way to be difficult. Like Tinker, I also deal with one. I've just learnt to deal with it. Like, for example, I buy socks that are black on the feet or all black for kiddo to wear to Dad's so I don't have to send her in brand new socks every week (If clothes have any stains on them, he keeps them so he can claim neglect).

You just have to start formulating a plan that will help you deal with the issues that you will never get away from but will also be cost-effective on a single parent raising a child.

 

[stealth2]

I actually did buy extra clothes to send them in, because their Dad felt what they wore here was "inappropriate" (graphic tees). Those were the things which would not come back. So I bought plain tshirts from Wally World or similar.

Also remember that it will get easier as the child gets older. Because he will be able to take responsibility for bringing his stuff home.

 

[gr8rn]

Go to Goodwill
Buy about 2 weeks worth of clothes
Send child in 1, and only 1 outfit each time
Repeat

Is there a double like? Or a like squared?

OP, get thee to goodwill and pick up some cheap, well fitting clothes, shoes and coat. If it happens again go back to goodwill. Keep his good clothes home. Take pictures before you leave, and when he comes back. Better yet, let dad see you taking pictures. It may stop him, but if not, you show up with them in court.

 

[stealth2]

Take pictures before you leave, and when he comes back. Better yet, let dad see you taking pictures. It may stop him, but if not, you show up with them in court.

Unless you normally take pictures at odd times like p/u and d/o? Don't do this. All it does is put your kid in the middle. =(

 

[ogal]

I would DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT the hours that dad works, along with the hours the specified babysitter was used and the lack of utilizing ROFR. The dealership should have his hours; have an attorney subpoena them for court to support your documentation.

As for growing a pair, I finally found my backbone and didn't let the X intimidate me. This did improve somewhat. He still hasn't paid what he owes me, but the paperwork is being prepared for garnishment. As for the rest, as the children got older, they realized WHICH parent was the parent who gave a d*** about them.

I do document everything. I even take screen shots of my phone calls to him and our text messages. I have over 500 pics on my phone that shows stuff such as attempted phone calls or phone calls where he has talked to our son for 6 min on the phone because he states in counseling he never gets to. I ever record when we have to meet for pick up and drop off because he likes to harass me at times. Telling me he will continue to make my life miserable until I wave the child support. Yes really too. I have so much documenting just thinking about it is stressfull. BTW we do NOT have ROFR in our court paperwork. I requested it but it wasn't put in our paperwork because GAL wanted to give him a chance. Is this common? What about requesting it be put in the paperwork when we go back? Do you think that would be a reasonable thing to ask for now? I am all for it. I have no problem asking him if he would like time with the child if I am working or unavailable.GAL keeps telling me we had to give him a chance because the ex keeps saying he wants shared parenting and wants to be involved with the child. I feel actions speak louder than words though.

 

[LdiJ]

I do document everything. I even take screen shots of my phone calls to him and our text messages. I have over 500 pics on my phone that shows stuff such as attempted phone calls or phone calls where he has talked to our son for 6 min on the phone because he states in counseling he never gets to. I ever record when we have to meet for pick up and drop off because he likes to harass me at times. Telling me he will continue to make my life miserable until I wave the child support. Yes really too. I have so much documenting just thinking about it is stressfull. BTW we do NOT have ROFR in our court paperwork. I requested it but it wasn't put in our paperwork because GAL wanted to give him a chance. Is this common? What about requesting it be put in the paperwork when we go back? Do you think that would be a reasonable thing to ask for now? I am all for it. I have no problem asking him if he would like time with the child if I am working or unavailable.GAL keeps telling me we had to give him a chance because the ex keeps saying he wants shared parenting and wants to be involved with the child. I feel actions speak louder than words though.

I think that the bolded has more to do with why dad wants shared parenting than anything else...and that's just sad for everybody.

 

[ogal]

I think that the bolded has more to do with why dad wants shared parenting than anything else...and that's just sad for everybody.

Well he does have shared parenting. We just don't do a week on and week off schedule for pareting time. I have worked 3 days a week since our son was born and he works 8am-8pm everyday. So why shouldn't our sons' schedule stay the same as it was before we split. It should and the courts see it this way just my ex doesn't. Thinks he should have our child a week at a time even if hes at work and just leave him with his parents. I am going to ask for ROFR when we go back to court and see if that could happen. Anyone have an opion on that and if a judges in ohio do that or do parties have to agree. Thanks

 

[ogal]

At one of our last court hearings the judge suspended our vacation time, because some of you remember my ex was using vacation days and utilizing all of my weekends. Our son is 3 and is not in school and has childcare at our local mega childcare center, because we lost our own personal babysitter because of constant harassment. My question on the vacation time is: does suspended vacation time mean I can't take my child out of daycare to spend the day with him on a normal visitation day of mine. I haven't been on vacation or even left the county this summer but my ex is telling me I can't take our son out of daycare to spend a day with him and if I want to spend extra time with him I need to do it on my weekends. I think this is ridiculous and he's saying he is taking me back to court for contempt because I am using vacation time which is suspended. I'm not using vacation time though. I feel that what I do on my time is my business and vice versa.

 

[Ohiogal]

At one of our last court hearings the judge suspended our vacation time, because some of you remember my ex was using vacation days and utilizing all of my weekends. Our son is 3 and is not in school and has childcare at our local mega childcare center, because we lost our own personal babysitter because of constant harassment. My question on the vacation time is: does suspended vacation time mean I can't take my child out of daycare to spend the day with him on a normal visitation day of mine. I haven't been on vacation or even left the county this summer but my ex is telling me I can't take our son out of daycare to spend a day with him and if I want to spend extra time with him I need to do it on my weekends. I think this is ridiculous and he's saying he is taking me back to court for contempt because I am using vacation time which is suspended. I'm not using vacation time though. I feel that what I do on my time is my business and vice versa.

You can take him out of daycare on YOUR days with him if you want. Vacation time means you cannot take extended time that supercedes the other parent's time with the child.

 

[ogal]

Thank you ohiogal. Also another quick question he just filed paperworked for 18 counts of contempt on my part for not allowing open communication between him and the minor child. There are 18 specific times and dates that he states I did NOT allow this. I can only assume it is phone calls that he is saying I didn't answer when he called. Of the 18 dates: 2 dates he had the child "his normal visitation days" and 4 other dates there is phone records of phone calls coming through so he actually talked to the child , and the other dates he never called to talk to the child. I also have my phone bill to prove all this, but what is a judge going to say about these so called comtempts? In our court order there is nothing about phone calls, it just says each parent will allow open communication between the other parent. This is vague and I have never unallowed communication between him and the child and I also have proof on some days where my ex will call 3-4 times a day to talk to the child which I feel at times is harassment because our son is 3 not 13. Harassment because there is constant bullying where my ex constantly plays 30 questions asking the child who he is with and where he is at. Since I have proof that my ex called some of the days can he get into trouble for lying in a swore affidavit saying he didn't get to talk to the child?

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you ohiogal. Also another quick question he just filed paperworked for 18 counts of contempt on my part for not allowing open communication between him and the minor child. There are 18 specific times and dates that he states I did NOT allow this. I can only assume it is phone calls that he is saying I didn't answer when he called. Of the 18 dates: 2 dates he had the child "his normal visitation days" and 4 other dates there is phone records of phone calls coming through so he actually talked to the child , and the other dates he never called to talk to the child. I also have my phone bill to prove all this, but what is a judge going to say about these so called comtempts? In our court order there is nothing about phone calls, it just says each parent will allow open communication between the other parent. This is vague and I have never unallowed communication between him and the child and I also have proof on some days where my ex will call 3-4 times a day to talk to the child which I feel at times is harassment because our son is 3 not 13. Harassment because there is constant bullying where my ex constantly plays 30 questions asking the child who he is with and where he is at. Since I have proof that my ex called some of the days can he get into trouble for lying in a swore affidavit saying he didn't get to talk to the child?

You can certainly do serious damage to dad's credibility with the court...particularly since you can prove that two of those days were dad's normal visitation days.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Go in with the documentation that disproves dad's claims. He has to PROVE his claims. You obviously have information that differs from his claim. He won't get far with a judge when proven a liar.

 

[kimmellee]

hmmm

I am so with you on this ogal!!!!

Sorry to come in so late and I'm so glad you updated this post. I just joined this forum because I'm having almost the same issues with my ex husband. As a matter of fact I just posted a question in this forum (they may move it to the domestic violence section. It asks about harassment rather than the kids.)

Your ex sounds like my ex. I want to know if his calling you and trying to talk to your son all the time on YOUR time can be considered harassment. It would be one thing if they genuinely wanted to talk to the children. I know for a FACT that my ex is doing it just to get at me and the kids because I have decided to enforce the parenting plan and he is p*ssed off beyond belief! And this is before he's been served the paperwork for me asking to modify child support/parenting plan! I'm scared to death of what he's going to do when he gets that! I have no where to go! I'm seriously considering a woman's shelter. Your ex intimidates you and manipulates you like my ex does to me. I feel for you.