Indiana Guidelines Urgent Question

[stepmom&mom]

Well, OP, no matter what your personal feelings are about your non-ex, the fact is, he's your child's father, and you will have to find some way to deal with him. It would benefit your child to find some way to get along with and work with your ex. Otherwise, the only one who will suffer will be your child.

 

[Mbarr]

OP, you need to consult an IN attorney and return to court for contempt/modification. Although the issues of child support and visitation are separate (you cannot withhold visitation because he fails to pay support), in your particular case they are intertwined because you are providing transportation from 14 hours away for his visitation, yet he is not paying support. Even though you are the one who created the distance, I would think that most judges would find the current situation to be inequitable.

Your concerns regarding your 2 year old sharing a bed with father and gf are legitimate concerns (and were hinted at in your very first post). Certainly it is within the realm of reason that the court might require the child to have her own bed/sleeping area.

Unless there is a danger to your child from the grandmother (more than just a lack of hygiene for an active 2 yr old), it is unlikely that dad would be required to give you first right of refusal. Given the fact that you reside in another state, the only opportunity for your child to have a relationship with her paternal relatives, is during dad's visitation.

Although I believe that you do have some legitimate issues, your anger and bitterness are very apparent. Please do not ever again refer to the father of your child as a "sperm donor". He is a part of your daughter, just as much as you are, and without him you would not have the child you love. You DO need to work on your attitude, for your daughter's sake.

 

[stealth2]

I do not act hostile around my daughter or even when I take her to him. I have never even bad mouthed him in front of her or around her. When I do not have her yes i do vent and i feel i have the right to do that. But I do not act hostile and she does not sense that we just drop her off and that is it. I talk to him in a very mannerable way. So no it is not because my daughter is picking up on my hostility. I am not the only one that feels this way about this case. My whole family does and so do most of his friends. A lot of people feel that he should have no right to her. People that I barely know so it is not jsut me. It is what most people think of him. I do not need theraphy thank you very much.

The thing is, kids are MUCH more perceptive than they are often given credit for. So I wouldn't discount that she's getting vibes from you and stepDad regarding Dad.

 

[nextwife]

That's fine and dandy that you get to be a SAHM, but if you are acting like your daughter should be joined to you at the hip (...when i go places i take her with me. ) no wonder your daughter gets freaked out and screams whenever she's seperated from you. I wouldn't be surprised if a judge sees the solution to THAT issue as the Dad needing MORE parenting time. Two months between visits is far too little for a young child.



If I were he, I'd be major p****d if my ex swooped in to my mom's home while she was spending some time with her grandkid and started demanding to take the child during my lousy, once every other month parenting time. Both my dad's parents' were deceased before I was ten. Give her whatever time she can get with her grandma while she still can! My kid has ONLY one living grandparent and would LOVE to have other grandparents she could be spending time with!

 

[LdiJ]

That's fine and dandy that you get to be a SAHM, but if you are acting like your daughter should be joined to you at the hip (...when i go places i take her with me. ) no wonder your daughter gets freaked out and screams whenever she's seperated from you. I wouldn't be surprised if a judge sees the solution to THAT issue as the Dad needing MORE parenting time. Two months between visits is far too little for a young child.

With a 14 hours distance between the parents more visitation probably isn't feasible. He is currently getting the exact Indiana guideline visitation for a 3 or 4 year old when distance is an issue. 6 one week visits per year.

If I were he, I'd be major p****d if my ex swooped in to my mom's home while she was spending some time with her grandkid and started demanding to take the child during my lousy, once every other month parenting time. Both my dad's parents' were deceased before I was ten. Give her whatever time she can get with her grandma while she still can! My kid has ONLY one living grandparent and would LOVE to have other grandparents she could be spending time with!

I think I would have to agree. However, there may be mitigating circumstances. It sounds like Mom is also spending each of those weeks in dad's community...and it may be that her parents are also hoping to see the child a little as well. If dad is working during the week, it wouldn't be unreasonable for both sets of grandparents to get a little time with the child.

 

[VeronicaGia]

I think I would have to agree. However, there may be mitigating circumstances. It sounds like Mom is also spending each of those weeks in dad's community...and it may be that her parents are also hoping to see the child a little as well. If dad is working during the week, it wouldn't be unreasonable for both sets of grandparents to get a little time with the child.

Bull! This is HIS time to do what HE wants to do with it. If SHE wants to stay longer so that during HER time HER parents or other family can see the child that is up to her. It is not up to HIM and would be very unreasonable to control every minute of his measley time with his child.

 

[stepmom&mom]

I think that it is pretty UNreasonable for what little time dad and his family have with daughter to be given to the BM. I know how that feels. My dh's dad only gets an opportunity to see my dh's daughter whenever we have her. We get her every other weekend, so I can't imagine what it's like only once every two months!

 

[casa]

I do not act hostile around my daughter or even when I take her to him. I have never even bad mouthed him in front of her or around her. When I do not have her yes i do vent and i feel i have the right to do that. But I do not act hostile and she does not sense that we just drop her off and that is it. I talk to him in a very mannerable way. So no it is not because my daughter is picking up on my hostility. I am not the only one that feels this way about this case. My whole family does and so do most of his friends. A lot of people feel that he should have no right to her. People that I barely know so it is not jsut me. It is what most people think of him. I do not need theraphy thank you very much.

People you 'barely know' wouldn't say a father should have no rights to his daughter....that's something said by someone who you've given YOUR side of the story to.

You slept with Dad, you had a child~ and she's both of yours for the rest of your lives.

My daughter's father was completely absent from her life for a number of years (no contact, no support)...and he finally came to his senses. It took time, therapy and graduating visitations...but they have an important relationship today. Children can learn through actions of parents who's who.

And you are deluding yourself if you think that while you, stepdad, family & friends feel so negatively about the father~ that your child is not aware of that. She knows exactly what's going on...she may not fully understand it (which is even worse) ...but she's definately picked up on at least some of it.

Take your daughter to counseling if you are worried about the effect the situation has on her.

 

[marine_wife_17]

The people i barely know are friends of my brother and of nick. My brother is still friends with him and when i see him with his friends they always tell me that nick is an a-hole and doesn't deserve my daughter. So no it is not from my side of the story it is from them seeing how he treats and acts around her.

 

[marine_wife_17]

We are getting ready to take her to therapy they are just trying to work out the schedulr between two states so that someone can see her here after she has been at his house and so they can talk back and forth with her theraphist back home.

 

[justme22]

As an outsider looking in - from what you have posted here - it would appear that you need counseling to deal with you hostility towards the child's father and maybe a parenting class or two. Your anger is going to affect the child whether or not you talk about him in front of her or not. Kids pick up that tension, over hear you bad mouthing him to someone else, put it all together.
A couple of group sessions would be beneficial as well with you and him attending.

 

[casa]

The people i barely know are friends of my brother and of nick. My brother is still friends with him and when i see him with his friends they always tell me that nick is an a-hole and doesn't deserve my daughter. So no it is not from my side of the story it is from them seeing how he treats and acts around her.

I hope the situation works out for your daughter...but I stand by my perception you are askewed in this situation.

You expect me to believe that:
1. The Dad is such an "a-hole" that his friends even say it about him...YET not only are they still his friends, but YOUR own brother is still his friend.
2. Your Xs friends tell you all about how they feel about him.
3. That you wrote "people you barely know"...when in reality they are people who know the child/situation/you very well (if they are Dad's friends and your own brother <child's uncle>).

You exaggerate, you come off hostile & bitter, and your refusal to consider therapy- while simultaneously telling us how terrible it is for your child. You Do Not appear to want genuine advice/direction...you appear to want to complain and tell your tales of Woe, shifting blame any and everywhere but with yourself.

 

[Zephyr]

We are getting ready to take her to therapy they are just trying to work out the schedulr between two states so that someone can see her here after she has been at his house and so they can talk back and forth with her theraphist back home.

this is rather unreasonable, she should have one therapist that she can develop a bond with and grow to trust.

and I agree that dad or dad's family should not have to give up any of there time to your family, your family can visit you and the child at your home any time they like, or you can take your child to your family whenever you like. If you were visiting your family (not on dad's time) would you think to call up dad and his family to see if they wanted baby for an afternoon "bonus" visit? I think not.

 

[LdiJ]

I hope the situation works out for your daughter...but I stand by my perception you are askewed in this situation.

You expect me to believe that:
1. The Dad is such an "a-hole" that his friends even say it about him...YET not only are they still his friends, but YOUR own brother is still his friend.
2. Your Xs friends tell you all about how they feel about him.
3. That you wrote "people you barely know"...when in reality they are people who know the child/situation/you very well (if they are Dad's friends and your own brother <child's uncle>).

You exaggerate, you come off hostile & bitter, and your refusal to consider therapy- while simultaneously telling us how terrible it is for your child. You Do Not appear to want genuine advice/direction...you appear to want to complain and tell your tales of Woe, shifting blame any and everywhere but with yourself.

I do agree that this mom comes off very bitter. I also agree that she is doing things that in the long run aren't going to help her child. If she could let go of some of that things would get alot better for everyone....and particularly for her child.

However, since I have a friend who is a wonderful person about everything else EXCEPT his child and his ex, I don't find that part of her story to be as uncredible as others might.

 

[casa]

I do agree that this mom comes off very bitter. I also agree that she is doing things that in the long run aren't going to help her child. If she could let go of some of that things would get alot better for everyone....and particularly for her child.

However, since I have a friend who is a wonderful person about everything else EXCEPT his child and his ex, I don't find that part of her story to be as uncredible as others might.

It's totally believable for a person to be less than a good parent....what is unbelievable is the situation she describes (then twists a bit, then augments ) ie; your friend? Is he best buds with the X's brother & does that X's brother and all his friends report back to his re-married x-wife what they think about him?