OT: Running through my head....

[Humusluvr]

What is the name of your state? Ohio/Texas, but that is neither here nor there on this one...

Hey guys,

I'm having a kinda rough day, needing some advice on this from those of you who have experience.

I'm supposed to be studying for my Ohio Teaching Certification Exam, so the baby is at the sitter's all day. Its my first day without him, so I have too much time on my hands. And I'm reading the forum, and I'm getting text messages and emails from my ex.

He never says he misses the baby. He always says he misses me. Its bugging the crap out of me. Dad is so emotionally needy. I don't whine to him about how he cheated on me and it hurts and how bad I feel that we're not together. I don't tell him that I'm embarrassed that I picked such a lying jerk to be the father of my child. I don't tell him that I'm exhausted from worrying non-stop about custody and legalities and jobs and the such. I don't tell him that I feel so drained emotionally that I don't even feel like I've gotten to enjoy being a mom yet. Dad doesn't even ask about the baby when he texts. He tells me about his day, the weather, his job, his life...

He tells me everything he feels. He tells me how I'm the only one he can talk to. Funny, I wasn't the only one he could bonk. I might have been able to forgive it once. But it was so many times and so underhanded and shady and slimy.

I tell him I only want to talk about the baby. I tell him its over and there is no possibility of us getting back together. He is just guilt tripping the heck out of me.

I feel like to be good parents, we should not even be around each other. I know that I will be happier not having to deal with the crap that is his life, because he is the one who made it that way. I wish he could just visit and care about his child, and leave me out of it. I need anti-anxiety medicine and anti-depressants just to deal with him.

So, since this is a legal forum and I feel a little bad about my rant, how do you deal with visitation guilt trips? I know some of you will say "Grow some balls." I guess I just really want to get along with him and have a good relationship for our child. He is confusing me being nice for me weakening and caving in. Not gonna happen.

I guess there is no legal question here. Just looking for advice on how to be nice and maintain my distance from dad. And to get him to ask about his child, not about me. I know that when we start child support and visitation proceedings he will probably start hating me and then do the exact opposite - try to use everything personal he knows about me to hurt me. I'm sure some of you have been in similar situations.

Help!

Hum

 

[mommyof4]

Well, there are multi pronged approaches to this.

First, when he starts in on his sob story about how much he misses you, just say thank you for the compliment, now let me tell you about Baby's accomplishment today (or whatever).

If he continues, you need to calmly and rationally explain to him that the romantic relationship is dead. You do not want to rehash anything and you feel uncomfortable with anything more than general pleasantries and discussions concerning the baby.

If he STILL can't grasp the reality of his new world, you just have to give him a steely stare and refuse to participate in any of the conversations.

Messages, text, phone calls....don't respond.

He's getting satisfaction and hope when he does this. He thinks that he is wearing you down.

 

[Isis1]

i think all exes do that. they get all "sorry sorry" for a bit. especially when they need something. once you get the nerve to say STOP! and actually follow through, it gets easier on you. the more you stand up for yourself the better he starts to act because he will realize he can't push you around. be everything you weren't when you were with him. it may take a few years, but don't back down. be assertive, say no. when the topics go off child..say goodbye and hang up. don't reply to text messages. if it pertains to your child, call him instead. when you let someone run over you so long...you have to learn to not let them keep doing it.

 

[qurice]

What is the name of your state? Ohio/Texas, but that is neither here nor there on this one...

And to get him to ask about his child, not about me.

I don't think there is anything you can do. You can't make him grow up, or be a father. He's not required to care about his child; only provide for them financially.

He's playing mind games. Personally, i'd block texts/phone calls from him until paternity and your orders are established. Don't let him distract you from what you need to do.

 

[mommyof4]

And of course, eventually (although you are trying to remain nice, and nice I ain't (at least not all the time) there is the time honored 2 word phrase that gets the point across as no other phrase can do. It starts with 'F' and ends with 'OFF'. You don't have to even say it to HIM. You can just think it to yourself while you are classily 'ignoring' him. Try it. It will make YOU feel stronger and better when dealing with him.

 

[Humusluvr]

And of course, eventually (although you are trying to remain nice, and nice I ain't (at least not all the time) there is the time honored 2 word phrase that gets the point across as no other phrase can do. It starts with 'F' and ends with 'OFF'. You don't have to even say it to HIM. You can just think it to yourself while you are classily 'ignoring' him. Try it. It will make YOU feel stronger and better when dealing with him.

I think I will change his name in my phone from "John Smith." to John F OFF Smith." For now. Until baby can read.

thanks, this one made me chuckle!

 

[proud_parent]

And of course, eventually (although you are trying to remain nice, and nice I ain't (at least not all the time) there is the time honored 2 word phrase that gets the point across as no other phrase can do. It starts with 'F' and ends with 'OFF'. You don't have to even say it to HIM. You can just think it to yourself while you are classily 'ignoring' him. Try it. It will make YOU feel stronger and better when dealing with him.

Financial writeoff?


Football handoff? Forum showoff?



Kidding completely aside, mommyof4 is right on. You will not deter dad if you try to be nice AND maintain your distance from him. He is making unwanted and continued romantic overtures; you have the right to cut them off. This is no time to let him down gently. You have an obligation to facilitate his relationship with his child, but NOT with you.

Yes, you will feel mean for doing so. Especially as this is someone about whom you cared enough to have a child together. But he is the one acting inappropriately. You must tell him bluntly that your romantic relationship is ended. Tell him ONE time. And then do not initiate contact with him or allow contact from him again UNLESS it is directly relating to the child. If it starts about the child and veers off from there, end the conversation immediately.


For some practical tips on handling this, see if you can find a copy of Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear. Despite the title, the intent is not to scare or to spread paranoia, but to remind us how to listen to our innate instincts and act to protect ourselves from potential dangers in the workplace, out in the community, etc. It contains a section specifically addressing thwarting unwanted advances. It's a quick read, and I highly recommend it to anyone. http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198

 

[jrini]

Tell him the only thing you have to talk to him about is your child. If he strays from that tell him you have nothing else to say, "'bye".

I pretty much had to do that with my ex (before getting the CPO, obviously my situation was a bit differant than yours). I'd say the only thing we have to talk to each other about was our kid, if he got to "i'm so sorry" or "you're such a b*tch" (yes, he'd go back and forth between the two in a matter of seconds) I told him the conversation was over and hung up.

Don't let him ruin the joy of being a new mom. Deal with the all the legal, moving, ex, ect stuff when you have to, and then try to set it all aside mentally and just enjoy your baby. I know, easier said than done. IME Klonopin and Lexpro are very helpful with this. J/K, sorta

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state? Ohio/Texas, but that is neither here nor there on this one...

Hey guys,

I'm having a kinda rough day, needing some advice on this from those of you who have experience.

I'm supposed to be studying for my Ohio Teaching Certification Exam, so the baby is at the sitter's all day. Its my first day without him, so I have too much time on my hands. And I'm reading the forum, and I'm getting text messages and emails from my ex.

He never says he misses the baby. He always says he misses me. Its bugging the crap out of me. Dad is so emotionally needy. I don't whine to him about how he cheated on me and it hurts and how bad I feel that we're not together. I don't tell him that I'm embarrassed that I picked such a lying jerk to be the father of my child. I don't tell him that I'm exhausted from worrying non-stop about custody and legalities and jobs and the such. I don't tell him that I feel so drained emotionally that I don't even feel like I've gotten to enjoy being a mom yet. Dad doesn't even ask about the baby when he texts. He tells me about his day, the weather, his job, his life...

He tells me everything he feels. He tells me how I'm the only one he can talk to. Funny, I wasn't the only one he could bonk. I might have been able to forgive it once. But it was so many times and so underhanded and shady and slimy.

I tell him I only want to talk about the baby. I tell him its over and there is no possibility of us getting back together. He is just guilt tripping the heck out of me.

I feel like to be good parents, we should not even be around each other. I know that I will be happier not having to deal with the crap that is his life, because he is the one who made it that way. I wish he could just visit and care about his child, and leave me out of it. I need anti-anxiety medicine and anti-depressants just to deal with him.

So, since this is a legal forum and I feel a little bad about my rant, how do you deal with visitation guilt trips? I know some of you will say "Grow some balls." I guess I just really want to get along with him and have a good relationship for our child. He is confusing me being nice for me weakening and caving in. Not gonna happen.

I guess there is no legal question here. Just looking for advice on how to be nice and maintain my distance from dad. And to get him to ask about his child, not about me. I know that when we start child support and visitation proceedings he will probably start hating me and then do the exact opposite - try to use everything personal he knows about me to hurt me. I'm sure some of you have been in similar situations.

Help!

Hum

I'm direct (blunt) & I just told my nuttyX "I'm no longer married to you ~ You need to find emotional support elsewhere". I had to repeat it a few times, over the course of a couple months....and bear some uncomfortable silences & unkind words, but it eventually worked. He still has horrid boundaries. All the more reason for Me/Us to keep better ones. IMO

 

[penelope10]

I'm direct (blunt) & I just told my nuttyX "I'm no longer married to you ~ You need to find emotional support elsewhere". I had to repeat it a few times, over the course of a couple months....and bear some uncomfortable silences & unkind words, but it eventually worked. He still has horrid boundaries. All the more reason for Me/Us to keep better ones. IMO

Ditto. The Great and Powerful OZ has pulled off some really weird stuff over the years. Crappola went on like this for about 3 years even when he had a GF. He had no boundaries so I had to build some pretty strong fences myself.....

Good luck on your certification test. I know you'll do well. Passed the TExES in my content area in Oct--got the results in Nov. (And now it's the job finding process).

 

[2Mistakes]

Hi, this is 2Mistakes' wife. I was sitting here reading with him, and read your post, and it really hit home with me, so I decided to hop on his user name and post.

I promise for all future postings, I will get my own ID.

I left my ex-husband when our daughter was 14 months old. I left because of physical and mental abuse. I simply couldn't take it anymore. But leaving was the hardest thing I ever did. I don't like hurting people, and it hurt him deeply when I left. But I finally came to realization that he did it to himself. I put up with the abuse for 3 years. We went to counseling. I gave him fair warning that if it didn't stop, I was leaving. And finally I did.

When I left, my daughter and I moved in with my parents, about 5 minutes away from my ex. He refused to see our daughter for about 6 months. He said that it just hurt too much. Oh, I cried many a tear, feeling bad that my precious baby was missing out on time with her daddy, and I believed that it was my fault.

He would call up to 20 times a day, crying, begging, pleading, and of course promising that things would be different if I just gave him one more chance. But I was done. There was just too much damage.

I would tell him that I did not want to speak to him unless it was about our daughter. He would say that it was about our daughter. I finally just had to get "hard" and hang up on him if he started in on me about us.

It took a good year for my ex and I to be able to talk to one another without it turning into a screaming match. After the initial 6 months, he started getting our daughter every other weekend, and really stepped up to the plate fathering her. I think he realized what he was missing out on.

We have been divorced for almost 6 years now, and we are great friends. We have both moved on, and we BOTH now realize that we are better for our daughter apart than we were together.

Honestly, time is the answer, and it's the answer that most people don't want to hear. Set your boundries, and STICK TO THEM. The first time you let him over-step the boundries you set, it's going to open season. Trust me!

My ex would smooth talk and make me think that he had gotten over the demise of our relationship, so I would let my guard down and try to be friendly, and that would give him hope that we could work things out.

Let him grieve the loss of the relationship. Even though it was his own doing, you can bet that he is hurting big-time now. And probably kicking himself in the ass. Hindsight is 20/20. I imagine that he sees every mistake he made and wishes that he could take them all back. But it doesn't work that way. My ex-husband and I have talked about this in length, so I have a unique insight into this type of situation. He told me that it hurt so bad he literally thought he would die.

OK, I guess I've rambled enough. My main points are that time and space are the biggest factors here. And stick to your guns. EVENTUALLY, he will get that it's over, and hopefully he will see that he is missing so much by worrying about winning you back instead of worrying about ya'lls child.

Hope this helped, at least a little bit. If you would ever like to talk off the forum, feel free to PM 2Mistakes (until I get my own username). I know how hard this road can be.

 

[onebreath]

When our baby was an infant, my ex would also call and a couple of times say "how is bubba?" (bubba?!)...but at least asked....but mainly was vague and would ask how I was...I never was clear exactly why he called. I asked him to come help me when baby was 3 days old...I think I was very hormonal and doing this totally alone...and was freaking just a little...but he was playing cards with his sister and said "he had needs to take care of". Fine, maybe it was better he didn't come over.

Calls every few days....I went into grief around here I stayed in this state so daughter could have a father and mother and he is not going to show up. Finally, one day I just came out and said you are welcome to come and see _____ anytime you want, you know. I got a call a few days later and he started visiting regularly. Don't ask me why, I also called him after giving birth and he spent time at the hospital and drove us home...there were never any indications he was not welcome to visit. He also wanted a romantic relationship but that did stop.

The communication thing was hard on our end and I wish I were as smart as some of these posters....I finally prohibited him from visiting child in my home it was just too stressful for me...after several months.

9 years later, its in our court order to not discuss anything at transfers with daughter, we are to communicate via email and only use the phone as emergency, or transportation problems, etc. For years I would get long and/or constant phone messages about every possible issue under the sun....it was hard to ignore and was very stressful. Finally, in email, I let him know where I stand on an issue, and will continue to discuss as long as he is reasonable, etc. But when he goes off, or gets obsessive with his emails/issues...I let him know in advance that I am going to start ignoriing ongoing conversations that aren't going anywhere, and then I just stop. Perhaps I am being too nice, I don't know...thats the best I have come up with without fear of him hammering me in court about being unresponsive. I can't prove he is obsessive, and even unreasonable...but I do set liimits now.

That was probably too long, and party my own vent too. Follow everyones' advice, great tips on setting limits when him and then you don't have to drain your energy on him and his troubles. This is a happy time...don't let him ruin your days...you are the one who 'should' be getting lots o support and love right now, nothing else if you can help it. You are putting your grief on hold for your baby, he should be able to do the same and start showing up as a dad...lets hope he will.

 

[Humusluvr]

I think I have been given good advice - set the limits and stick to them. I know that goes for raising a child too.

He is trying to make me forget about all the bad stuff that happened, but in the process he isn't respecting me. He's treating me like a piece of meat, and that sucks. He is a charming guy, and he makes me laugh - but those horrible things are still on the tip of my mind.

I hope we can both grow up enough to get some firm boundaries in place, and that I can grow a spine enough to enforce the limits. Hell, I'm a high school teacher, and he's acting like a horny high school student.

I think time and the distance will create the closure we both need. He saw the for sale sign in front of my house the other day, and called me crying. After so many opportunities he had to "make it work," at some point its too little, too late. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. I've told him that this is all about the baby now, and not about us.

Poor guy. I guess if I didn't feel for him, I wouldn't be human. I just hope he learns to love his son, and respect my boundaries.

 

[maryjo]

I will tell you a story that had me scared to death when my ex and I first seperated until the second the papers were signed.

One of my best friends parents had divorced and later on remarried each other. Many years later they seperated again. They were seperated for a long time and filed papers, etc. Not long before the court date dad came around sweet talking mom, begging for forgiveness, asking to get back together. Why she let him come back, I will never know. He was insanely abusive, he was a pot head, alcoholic, bum. Seriously. But I think she was convinced that A.)She couldnt do any better and B.) her religious belief was so completely against divorce and getting back together with her ex seemed a better option.

So they got back together. They hadnt officially divorced yet. She ASSUMED that when he moved back in that he would cancel the court date or whatever. WRONG! The court date came and went. Next thing she knew...she was divorced...and she had not contested a thing! She got NOTHING. As soon as he knew the deal was done...he was GONE! Moved back in with his girlfriend.

Lovely, huh?

But..happy ending for her. She met an AMAZING man who helped HER reach all HER goals in life. She went back to school, got a degree, did some traveling. They got married a few years ago and she hasnt been happier.

But this was always in my mind. Thankfully, my ex hated me so much that he didnt even try to get back with me. My mom kept saying he would and when he did I better not even think about it! LOL! But so far, he hasnt. Then again, he has a girlfriend/mommy to keep him occupied. He has often called and the conversations end up being about people he knows, his job, his family. I keep thinking "Dont you have a girlfriend you could talk to about this?" but I dont ever say anything. Just stay polite to keep the peace. It doesnt happen often though.

But yeah, if I was in your shoes, I would just ignore his calls and texts.

 

[Humusluvr]

I keep thinking "Dont you have a girlfriend you could talk to about this?" but I dont ever say anything. Just stay polite to keep the peace. It doesnt happen often though.

But yeah, if I was in your shoes, I would just ignore his calls and texts.

Seriously, he slept with six different girls that I know of during our relationship. why doesn't he TALK to one of them???

I am staying polite for now, and ignoring stuff that doesn't have to do with the baby.