Placement Question/Unfit Mother??

[AkersTile]

Dad seems to be grasping at straws... and not just any straws, the curly ones that go here, there, and everywhere till you don't know what's up and what's down. It truly seems like you are trying to do what's best for both kiddos. If you are providing Dad with a calendar and he knows what time the kiddos go to bed, then he should know better than to call at times when you are not home or putting kiddos to bed. If SM is the one calling, then that's her problem and you don't need to worry about it. She's nothing in this equation, so she doesn't matter.

Personally, I say give Dad the rope and let him hang himself. You are trying. You are learning. Let him look like the jack... donkey

 

[Gwenillian]

Thanks. Actually SM really cares so I don't mind her calling at all. She's just been calling at silly times lately.

I emailed dad letting him know about the IEP today in case he did want to be involved and got a *ahem* lovely note back screaming about this violating his joint custody rights. I then got another nicely requesting that I put the entire thing on hold indefinitely while he decides whether or not he feels like doing it. He is not so subtly threatening to go to court to stop it. I figure I'll give him until Sunday night (I have to check on the papers anyway & wait for the teacher's paperwork).

So, come Monday if he's still refusing do I just turn in the paperwork regardless of the screaming & let him pull it to court? Or do I need to take him to court to be able to pursue it?

 

[AkersTile]

Thanks. Actually SM really cares so I don't mind her calling at all. She's just been calling at silly times lately.

I emailed dad letting him know about the IEP today in case he did want to be involved and got a *ahem* lovely note back screaming about this violating his joint custody rights. I then got another nicely requesting that I put the entire thing on hold indefinitely while he decides whether or not he feels like doing it. He is not so subtly threatening to go to court to stop it. I figure I'll give him until Sunday night (I have to check on the papers anyway & wait for the teacher's paperwork).

So, come Monday if he's still refusing do I just turn in the paperwork regardless of the screaming & let him pull it to court? Or do I need to take him to court to be able to pursue it?

With most things, you would have to put it on hold and take him to court first, BUT like OG said, if he takes you to court over this, he is going to make himself look like a complete _____ (fill in with your word of choice). I do not see a judge on this planet holding it against you that you want an IEP eval, the teachers want an IEP eval, and the psych wants an IEP eval. You have tried to get Dad involved. He just wants to play games and be in control, and that will come through loud and clear to the judge. I have seen first hand what an IEP can do to a child. The changes in my middle SD when hers was done were amazing! You are taking the right steps for your children and if/when Dad does take you back to court, you can always get advice here for free.

 

[I'mTheFather]

Thanks. Actually SM really cares so I don't mind her calling at all. She's just been calling at silly times lately.

I emailed dad letting him know about the IEP today in case he did want to be involved and got a *ahem* lovely note back screaming about this violating his joint custody rights. I then got another nicely requesting that I put the entire thing on hold indefinitely while he decides whether or not he feels like doing it. He is not so subtly threatening to go to court to stop it. I figure I'll give him until Sunday night (I have to check on the papers anyway & wait for the teacher's paperwork).

So, come Monday if he's still refusing do I just turn in the paperwork regardless of the screaming & let him pull it to court? Or do I need to take him to court to be able to pursue it?

Beginning the process shouldn't be a problem. When the evaluation is complete and the school team makes a recommendation, then you will have the opportunity to sign that you agree. At that point, if dad will not sign, then you should head back to court. He may have a change of heart when that point comes.

 

[Gwenillian]

Ok. Thank you.

I'm pretty sure he won't wait that long to file though. He's generally pretty quick about filing when he decides to & he already has been trying to get me to give him primary placement so he'll probably see this as the perfect opportunity to head to court to get it.

ETA: The psychologist has not asked for it & apparently doesn't necessarily think it's helpful. But, we need it to have more tools available to the teachers to help DS. Another reason we need it is because there are doubts by all of us (dad, step mom, step dad & I) about what he's saying since it doesn't really seem 'normal' and we haven't seen much change. So far dad hasn't pursued a second opinion & I don't think I can seek a second opinion w/o dad's approval - which he is unlikely to give because right now he considers himself to be in a strong position to gain primary placement. The teachers are private school teachers & so haven't requested it, but are filling out the paperwork for it.

 

[Gwenillian]

Ok - Now what?

So I had the IEP in progress & my ex and I agreed to move DS to my local public school. The current CO states that they need to attend a private, non denominational, parochial school. Given the fact that this move needs to be done ASAP since 3rd quarter just started, am I covered even temporarily by the email I received giving his ok to do this or if he comes back at me in court am I toast?

I'm assuming that after DS gets enrolled the CO will need to be modified - what is the best way to do that given that our older DS will still be attending the CO approved school (private, non denom, parochial)? How do you put in language that approves both?

ETA: I plan on working on the IEP again at the new school; it just means the whole process will have to restart (different districts, different county, etc...).

 

[mistoffolees]

So I had the IEP in progress & my ex and I agreed to move DS to my local public school. The current CO states that they need to attend a private, non denominational, parochial school. Given the fact that this move needs to be done ASAP since 3rd quarter just started, am I covered even temporarily by the email I received giving his ok to do this or if he comes back at me in court am I toast?

I'm assuming that after DS gets enrolled the CO will need to be modified - what is the best way to do that given that our older DS will still be attending the CO approved school (private, non denom, parochial)? How do you put in language that approves both?

ETA: I plan on working on the IEP again at the new school; it just means the whole process will have to restart (different districts, different county, etc...).

If you can confirm that the email is from him (which isn't easy, btw), then that would prevent you from a contempt citation. It would be much better to have something in writing with his signature.

As for changing the order, you and ex get together and agree on new orders, then submit it to the court as a stipulation.

 

[Gwenillian]

oy. He got irritated when I just asked him to email it vs. having step mom email it. I'm pretty sure he'll blow a gasket when I ask for something with his signature.

Just in case, how would I prove that it's his email address? It's one of the major @ .com's (hotmail, msn, yahoo, gmail, etc...) but he's been using it for years to communicate with me - he refuses to communicate any other way actually.

I'll work on getting the paperwork together for the stipulation.

 

[mistoffolees]

oy. He got irritated when I just asked him to email it vs. having step mom email it. I'm pretty sure he'll blow a gasket when I ask for something with his signature.

Just in case, how would I prove that it's his email address? It's one of the major @ .com's (hotmail, msn, yahoo, gmail, etc...) but he's been using it for years to communicate with me - he refuses to communicate any other way actually.

I'll work on getting the paperwork together for the stipulation.

If you print out the entire header, that helps to establish its source, but there are several problems:

1. It's easy to forge the headers on an email if you know what you're doing
and
2. Even if the email came from his account, how do you know that someone else didn't send it?

Bottom line is that there's some risk changing the school without a court order. No one here can tell you how great that risk is. It depends on how much you trust him, how much the judge would believe that the change was agreed to, and so on. You simply have to make an assessment of the risks of being in contempt.

 

[Gwenillian]

Ok thank you! You've all been really helpful.

Do you have any advice at all on how to word the change - i.e. should we just add "or mom's local public school" to the current language of the CO or do we remove the old wording of "will go to a thus & such school" completely and leave it at that we have to agree.

For the record, we nearly never agree... (this agreement seriously made me think pigs might actually fly and that hades occasionally has ice storms) ... that's why it was originally put into the CO that way. I'm foreseeing & would like to prevent a huge "discussion" as soon as oldest DS is supposed to enter HS in a year or two; especially since he may want to go to the school district that's on the other side of the street (we are on the border of two of them).

 

[AkersTile]

oy. He got irritated when I just asked him to email it vs. having step mom email it. I'm pretty sure he'll blow a gasket when I ask for something with his signature.

Just in case, how would I prove that it's his email address? It's one of the major @ .com's (hotmail, msn, yahoo, gmail, etc...) but he's been using it for years to communicate with me - he refuses to communicate any other way actually.

I'll work on getting the paperwork together for the stipulation.

I do a print screen and paste it into a word document. I'm sure it can probably still be forged, but I'm not that skilled and would have no clue how to even begin forging it.

 

[MichaCA]

When you enroll daughter at the school - fill out the paper work, there is your signature as parent...is there any way to get dad over to the school to sign the papers?

If you can get him to sign the school papers, then you won't have to worry about this.

 

[Gwenillian]

No, he lives an hour plus away. And, there is only space for one sig on the forms. Since I'm the only parent in the district, it has to be mine.

 

[Gwenillian]

And Another Question

I'm putting this here because I didn't think it needed it's own thread - hopefully I'm right...

Now that Dad has decided not to immediately go to court, he is apparently showing our emails back and forth to both kids. Obviously, he shows them the ones (and occasionally only the portions) that make me look bad in his estimation - such as the fact that I wanted to get DS evaluated for an IEP (he calls it Special Ed testing & supposedly informed both DS's that I think DS11 needs to be in Special Ed). I can't imagine that hearing this was real good for DS11's low self esteem - poor kid.

For the record, I did not ask the kids anything. They came home and within 24 hours had each separately asked me about my 'lies', and the fact that I think DS11 has mental problems (I don't think that & I never lied). Both commented on my emails & both knew details that were discussed back & forth they couldn't have known unless someone told them (which didn't happen here - my current DH and I communicate about this stuff via email or when the kids aren't home to prevent the possibility of them hearing anything).

Is there anything at all I can do to put an end to this? Obviously I'm not dragging my kids into court to testify or anything, but I am open to other ideas. If not, then fine, but I thought it was worth asking about. I'm assuming that if I were to confront him on it, he would 1. deny it & 2. be mad that DS's talked to me about it so I'm not sure that's a great option either.

 

[mistoffolees]

I'm putting this here because I didn't think it needed it's own thread - hopefully I'm right...

Now that Dad has decided not to immediately go to court, he is apparently showing our emails back and forth to both kids. Obviously, he shows them the ones (and occasionally only the portions) that make me look bad in his estimation - such as the fact that I wanted to get DS evaluated for an IEP (he calls it Special Ed testing & supposedly informed both DS's that I think DS11 needs to be in Special Ed). I can't imagine that hearing this was real good for DS11's low self esteem - poor kid.

For the record, I did not ask the kids anything. They came home and within 24 hours had each separately asked me about my 'lies', and the fact that I think DS11 has mental problems (I don't think that & I never lied). Both commented on my emails & both knew details that were discussed back & forth they couldn't have known unless someone told them (which didn't happen here - my current DH and I communicate about this stuff via email or when the kids aren't home to prevent the possibility of them hearing anything).

Is there anything at all I can do to put an end to this? Obviously I'm not dragging my kids into court to testify or anything, but I am open to other ideas. If not, then fine, but I thought it was worth asking about. I'm assuming that if I were to confront him on it, he would 1. deny it & 2. be mad that DS's talked to me about it so I'm not sure that's a great option either.

Don't get into a battle over who's lying. Just explain to the kids the portion they need to know and ignore the rest.

For example, explain that an IEP is a program funded to help the school identify teaching processes that are best suited to each child. Since kids learn in different ways, the school can tailor the methods to what works best for each child to help them to succeed.

Then explain to them that other matters are decisions that need to be made by the adults and the kids will be brought in if/when you feel that they need to.

You could ask for a court order that the two of you can not discuss divorce matters with the kids, but IMHO, that's useless. It will be ignored and impossible to prove, so why waste the energy?