Visitation

[milspecgirl]

can you PROVE he hates the younger child and has he threatened the child in any way?

What you don't understand is that parents every day live with restraining orders against the other parent of their children. Guess what- that does NOT automatically extend to the kids. Unless you can PROVE dad is a danger to them. Your saying so and your feelings mean NOTHING to a court.

We all know what it's like to have a parent who could care less, a parent who abuses their child, a parent who uses their child for personal gain, a parent who uses a child only as a way to get to the other parent. However- a JUDGE is going to grant him a chance to be a parent if he asks for it. That is his constitutional right - until you can LEGALLY PROVE HE IS A DANGER TO THE CHILDREN. If you did not want to deal with him, you should not have had his children out of wedlock or gotten a divorce (not sure which is the case).

A judge WILL take your children and give them to the father if you show the judge that you are completely disregarding their rulings and the law.

case closed..

 

[milspecgirl]

and how is it that dad has never existed???? Are you telling me an 8 yr old has never ever asked where dad was or ANYTHING about him?

You can chalk a lot of this up to your apparent lack of parenting in this matter. When the child mentioned dad, did you just say "he's a piece of crap we don't care about".

Because if you had done your job as a parent and said- "dad loves you very much, but he has some issues he has to deal with and cant be with you right now", then it would be very easy to introduce dad back into their lives with some simple counseling.

 

[CJane]

and how is it that dad has never existed???? Are you telling me an 8 yr old has never ever asked where dad was or ANYTHING about him?

I don't actually find that all that odd if he's never ever been in the picture. My nephew was almost 12 before he asked about his father, and then it was an in passing kind of "Well, I know I must have one. What's his name, where does he live, why haven't I ever met him?" Kind of thing.

Because if you had done your job as a parent and said- "dad loves you very much, but he has some issues he has to deal with and cant be with you right now", then it would be very easy to introduce dad back into their lives with some simple counseling.

So lying to the children is an expression of good parenting?

It's a HUGE peeve of mine when people unload that crap on their kids. If Dad "loved them very much" then at some point in EIGHT YEARS he would have made a token effort to see them.

My son is 5. If/when he ever asks about his father - and he hasn't yet, even in passing - I'm certainly not going to tell him that someone he's never met and who obviously couldn't care less about him "loves" him. Not my definition of love, and certainly not one I want my CHILD to think is acceptable or normal.

How about "Your father's name is XXX. I think he lives in X town. He's chosen not to be a part of your life, and it's important that you understand that was his choice, and had nothing to do with the person that you are."

I know. Honesty. Such a novel concept when we're "protecting" our kids.

I Mom lied and told them Dad was dead, or someone else was their Dad we'd be crawling all over her telling her what a horrible parent she is. But yet we'd ENCOURAGE her to lie and tell her she's a terrible parent for NOT lying? Really?

 

[LdiJ]

I don't actually find that all that odd if he's never ever been in the picture. My nephew was almost 12 before he asked about his father, and then it was an in passing kind of "Well, I know I must have one. What's his name, where does he live, why haven't I ever met him?" Kind of thing.



So lying to the children is an expression of good parenting?

It's a HUGE peeve of mine when people unload that crap on their kids. If Dad "loved them very much" then at some point in EIGHT YEARS he would have made a token effort to see them.

My son is 5. If/when he ever asks about his father - and he hasn't yet, even in passing - I'm certainly not going to tell him that someone he's never met and who obviously couldn't care less about him "loves" him. Not my definition of love, and certainly not one I want my CHILD to think is acceptable or normal.

How about "Your father's name is XXX. I think he lives in X town. He's chosen not to be a part of your life, and it's important that you understand that was his choice, and had nothing to do with the person that you are."

I know. Honesty. Such a novel concept when we're "protecting" our kids.

I Mom lied and told them Dad was dead, or someone else was their Dad we'd be crawling all over her telling her what a horrible parent she is. But yet we'd ENCOURAGE her to lie and tell her she's a terrible parent for NOT lying? Really?

I agree with this 100%.

 

[frylover]

I agree with this 100%.

So do I.

How is the "daddy loves you very much" lie ANY better than lying about a step parent being the actual parent. What is going to be gained by building up this fantasy daddy who one day might come riding in on white horse and become daddy of the year?

I think that lie is more about making things easier on the absent parent in case he decides to show up than it is about doing what's best for the child.

 

[CSO286]

He has not seen the kids since he left 8 years ago. The kids have never seen him since the oldest was 6 months old. NEVER!And that was not due to me not allowing it, on the contrary. I tried to be a part of it. He has not asked to see them until today, 8 years later.
I have never explained that story as they haven't asked yet.
Does anybody understand here how it crushes a kids world to be confronted with a 'Dad' that never existed? How it affects a child to all over sudden have a "Dad' that will not be in their live as he has moved out of state and will not be around on regular basis?
Thanks for your time.
Case closed...

Uhhhh**************...me.
Only my ex and I split while I was pregnant and he never met small fry. Every so often--he'd call to ask how he could teminate his rights so he could avoid paying CS. When I let him know he couldn't, he'd get so angry that he'd threaten me and insist the courts would order me to put small fry on a plane alone to travel to see him.

You children obviously know that they have a dad out there somewhere. (simple logic: "i exist, it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby."). So what remains is what you've chosen to tell you children.

So lying to the children is an expression of good parenting?

It's a HUGE peeve of mine when people unload that crap on their kids. If Dad "loved them very much" then at some point in EIGHT YEARS he would have made a token effort to see them.

My son is 5. If/when he ever asks about his father - and he hasn't yet, even in passing - I'm certainly not going to tell him that someone he's never met and who obviously couldn't care less about him "loves" him. Not my definition of love, and certainly not one I want my CHILD to think is acceptable or normal.

How about "Your father's name is XXX. I think he lives in X town. He's chosen not to be a part of your life, and it's important that you understand that was his choice, and had nothing to do with the person that you are."

I know. Honesty. Such a novel concept when we're "protecting" our kids.

CJane's response is much closer to what I told small fry. "I said Your dad lives X, he sends monmey to help take care of you, and I'm sure he cares about you." (Lst bit--me trying to soften things for her.)

Now that he and small fry talk on a weekly basis, I get to deal with the hurt and other issues--i.e., after the calls, small fry asks why Dad will tell about all these things he does with his other kids, but he can't be bothered to send a birthday card? small fry is drawing own conclusions about whether or not and how much dad actually cares.

Single parenting is not easy, not fun, and extraordinarily challenging. Same for step parenting and regular ol' nuclear family parenting. You have to put on your big girl panties and do the right thing.

Face it, Mom. If Dad wants to get to know his kids and he has not been proven unfit in a court of law and he's not in jail (that one's iffy), then you will be ordered to make the children available to him.

 

[stealth2]

I think the suggestion to ask for a graduated plan and ordered counseling for Dad and the kids was an excellent one.

People change. As such, he will be given a chance to step up to the plate if he wants one.

As for what to tell kids in this situation, when/if they ask? There is nothing wrong with saying "I don't really know, sweetheart." Not a lie. But not brutal, either.