NewB please help

[ljt_tech]

What is the name of your state? TX

I have been looking into divorce for sometime but all the legalities of it just confuse/intimidate me into reconsidering. I am currently living with my spouse and we have not yet agreed upon divorce but with the many fights we go through day to day it appears that that is where we are headed. I try to bring up divorce and she agrees during the heat of the argument stating bring me the papers but after she calms down she threatens to make it hard for me to get one. She says she will make it hard for me to go to work by calling and harassing me and my co-workers as well as friends. She also says she will make it hard for me to see my 3 yr old daughter. She has been the main caregiver of her since I work and used to go to school. She does not want to get a job even though I have been pressing her to do so. She will not follow through with her schooling as well as several other factors that lead me to divorce. (I won_t get into them all) My point is how do I start with getting a divorce if I_

1. Have no place to stay. (She WILL make it difficult to stay at OUR home if I file a divorce)
2. Have no place to relocate my belongings (She has threatened to destroy all my clothing and personal possessions if I try to leave)
3. Have no way of taking care of my daughter during work. (She currently stays home with my wife and she threatened to force me to watch her so I can_t go to work)

Any information, advice or links etc..etc_ would be very much appreciated

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? TX

I have been looking into divorce for sometime but all the legalities of it just confuse/intimidate me into reconsidering. I am currently living with my spouse and we have not yet agreed upon divorce but with the many fights we go through day to day it appears that that is where we are headed. I try to bring up divorce and she agrees during the heat of the argument stating bring me the papers but after she calms down she threatens to make it hard for me to get one. She says she will make it hard for me to go to work by calling and harassing me and my co-workers as well as friends. She also says she will make it hard for me to see my 3 yr old daughter. She has been the main caregiver of her since I work and used to go to school. She does not want to get a job even though I have been pressing her to do so. She will not follow through with her schooling as well as several other factors that lead me to divorce. (I won’t get into them all) My point is how do I start with getting a divorce if I…

1. Have no place to stay. (She WILL make it difficult to stay at OUR home if I file a divorce)
2. Have no place to relocate my belongings (She has threatened to destroy all my clothing and personal possessions if I try to leave)
3. Have no way of taking care of my daughter during work. (She currently stays home with my wife and she threatened to force me to watch her so I can’t go to work)

Any information, advice or links etc..etc… would be very much appreciated What is the name of your state?

First, some, if not all, of the threats that your wife is making are "heat of the moment"...they are things that she is unlikely to follow through on. I am not saying that it can't happen, but its really not all that likely.

1. You either suck it up and deal with the difficulties of temporarily sharing a home (and it will be temporary because the judge will order one of you to move out sometime during the preliminary part of the case) or you make plans to provide yourself housing. Or you fight to keep possession of the marital residence and ask the judge to make her move out.

2. You get a storage unit for your personal possession and move them out when you move out...if that is what happens.

3. You arrange daycare for your child....just as millions of other parents do all across the country. Your wife is going to end up having to go back to work so your child is going to be in daycare. That's a fact of life that you will both have to live with.

A divorce causes serious lifestyle changes for both parents and for the children. You have to plan to deal with those changes.

You say that you have no where to go...but you really do...you just have to do some research to find out what is your best and most affordable option if you are the one who has to move out.

In other words.....if you are serious about divorce, you need to make plans.

 

[ljt_tech]

First, some, if not all, of the threats that your wife is making are "heat of the moment"...they are things that she is unlikely to follow through on. I am not saying that it can't happen, but its really not all that likely.

They are not threats she has done so in the past which caused problems between my previous employers and friends/family. She calls around claiming abandonment on my part.

1. You either suck it up and deal with the difficulties of temporarily sharing a home (and it will be temporary because the judge will order one of you to move out sometime during the preliminary part of the case) or you make plans to provide yourself housing. Or you fight to keep possession of the marital residence and ask the judge to make her move out.

Living together during the divorce is more than likely unfeasible. She tends to get violent when she does not get her way. I was raised never to hit a woman so she tends to take full advantage of that.

A divorce causes serious lifestyle changes for both parents and for the children. You have to plan to deal with those changes.

This is very true wich makes me feel apprehensive about putting my daughter through that.

You say that you have no where to go...but you really do...you just have to do some research to find out what is your best and most affordable option if you are the one who has to move out.

In other words.....if you are serious about divorce, you need to make plans.

I would like to keep the house (we pay rent) but will just have to do some more research about my options. It appears I may have to hire a lawyer as we can never sit down and agree/cooperate on this divorce. One last question: Should I involve her in the initial steps in the divorce or should I simply go out and hire a lawyer and take it from there? I am sorry for asking such ignorant questions but I am 22 yrs old, we have been married for 3 going on 4 years and had never spent a day apart until this last year. I guess I never saw our marriage coming to this and now its kind of hard to swallow.

 

[LdiJ]

If the two of you cannot come to agreements it could get very nasty and very expensive. At a minimum you should TRY to work out some agreements with her.

 

[ceara19]

If the two of you cannot come to agreements it could get very nasty and very expensive. At a minimum you should TRY to work out some agreements with her.

If neither of them have any money, it may get nasty, but it won't be any more expensive then they are willing and able to make it. In Texas, you file for a divorce, everyone is served with the proper notification and a hearing is set for temporary orders (when there are children involved). If they walk into that hearing WITHOUT an agreement, the Judge will basically boot them out, telling them to set up an appointment for mediation with the clerk (in SOME Texas courts, they can be sent to a conference room for mediation IMMEDIATELY to try and come to an agreement on temporary orders), after being given a not so nice lecture on the fact that their personal problems need to be set aside and they need to grow up and do what is best for the children.

A divorce CAN be complicated and expensive IF the parties can afford to finance it. The OP can't afford to make the matter complicated and the courts here won't allow it to happen. I seen judges pretty much throw couples out of court, telling them not to come back until they have an agreement or an attorney many times.

 

[LdiJ]

A divorce CAN be complicated and expensive IF the parties can afford to finance it. The OP can't afford to make the matter complicated and the courts here won't allow it to happen. I seen judges pretty much throw couples out of court, telling them not to come back until they have an agreement or an attorney many times.

Or if one of their parents can afford to finance it....and I did say "could", not "would".

 

[BeloTenia]

As I only just joined this forum, and seem to be 'stuck' in a situation myself, at least until finances can be worked out, I cannot really advise anything.But I would like to say..I understand how you feel and wish you the best of luck.

 

[ljt_tech]

Well, she finally came home after being away for a week and we were finally able to at least agree on divorce (after a few broken lamps, dishes and slaps in my face).
She got upset at the idea of hiring an attorney saying she did not want to put her business out there in front of a complete stranger. Frankly I don’t buy it.

She wants to keep the house and expects my support financially for an indefinite amount of time until she is capable of supporting the household and our daughter on her own. This meaning she wants me to help her go through school and aid her financially supporting the entire household, while staying there, until she gets to where I currently am career wise.

She expects me to be patient while she looks for a job saying she may not get one within a month and does not want me to "father" her on the subject. She also said, and I quote “Since I don’t have a job I would expect for you to still give me money for things like if I want to buy some cigarettes or something.” Her reasoning for all this is because she says she put me through school and supported the home while I advanced in my career and I now owe it to her. I am not disputing this but I mean come on CIGARETTES!!

What exactly should she be entitled to? To what extent should I help her? I would like to resolve this without a lawyer but as I stated earlier I don’t think we can come to a logical agreement without a mediator of some sorts. Also if I were to hire a lawyer would he/she only be looking out for my interests or also those of my wife? The reason I ask is because that was another reason for her not wanting to involve a lawyer because she “Does not want to get f***ed over”

 

[LdiJ]

Well, she finally came home after being away for a week and we were finally able to at least agree on divorce (after a few broken lamps, dishes and slaps in my face).
She got upset at the idea of hiring an attorney saying she did not want to put her business out there in front of a complete stranger. Frankly I don’t buy it.

She wants to keep the house and expects my support financially for an indefinite amount of time until she is capable of supporting the household and our daughter on her own. This meaning she wants me to help her go through school and aid her financially supporting the entire household, while staying there, until she gets to where I currently am career wise.

She expects me to be patient while she looks for a job saying she may not get one within a month and does not want me to "father" her on the subject. She also said, and I quote “Since I don’t have a job I would expect for you to still give me money for things like if I want to buy some cigarettes or something.” Her reasoning for all this is because she says she put me through school and supported the home while I advanced in my career and I now owe it to her. I am not disputing this but I mean come on CIGARETTES!!

What exactly should she be entitled to? To what extent should I help her? I would like to resolve this without a lawyer but as I stated earlier I don’t think we can come to a logical agreement without a mediator of some sorts. Also if I were to hire a lawyer would he/she only be looking out for my interests or also those of my wife? The reason I ask is because that was another reason for her not wanting to involve a lawyer because she “Does not want to get f***ed over”

If she supported the home while you went to school then her reasoning is quite logical. How would you feel if you supported the home while she went to school, and then she kicked you to the curb?

However, she may be expecting more than a judge would order.

If you are attempting to convince her to involve just ONE lawyer in the process then she is absolutely right to refuse to agree to that. You both need your own attorneys. However, the more the two of you can agree upon, the less costly the whole thing will be.

 

[Ohiogal]

Well, she finally came home after being away for a week and we were finally able to at least agree on divorce (after a few broken lamps, dishes and slaps in my face).

And you didn't call the police because why? She assaulted you -- otherwise known as domestic violence. You should have called the police, had her arrested and gotten a restraining order.


She got upset at the idea of hiring an attorney saying she did not want to put her business out there in front of a complete stranger. Frankly I don’t buy it.

Unless you agree, if you go to court her business will be out there in front of a complete stranger.

She wants to keep the house and expects my support financially for an indefinite amount of time until she is capable of supporting the household and our daughter on her own. This meaning she wants me to help her go through school and aid her financially supporting the entire household, while staying there, until she gets to where I currently am career wise.


Tell her to pound sand. While she may get temporary spousal support she is NOT guaranteed indefinite spousal support. As for supporting the child -- why do you and her just assume that SHE will get custody? Why aren't you asking for custody and let her go out on her own to do what she wants?

She expects me to be patient while she looks for a job saying she may not get one within a month and does not want me to "father" her on the subject. She also said, and I quote “Since I don’t have a job I would expect for you to still give me money for things like if I want to buy some cigarettes or something.” Her reasoning for all this is because she says she put me through school and supported the home while I advanced in my career and I now owe it to her. I am not disputing this but I mean come on CIGARETTES!!


tell her to buy her own damn cigarettes. If she gets spousal support/child support it will be an amount decided by the court which may not be anywhere near enough for her to sit back and live like she is living now.

What exactly should she be entitled to?

Maybe temporary spousal support. If she has majority custody time with the child then probably child support. And truthfully at this point, she is entitled to spend Christmas eve in jail for domestic violence if she was throwing things and hit you.

To what extent should I help her?

Without a court order? Try nothing. Try staying in the home and paying the bills as usual. Do not remove her from any insurance policies or change things in that regard. But you do not owe her anything at this juncture.

I would like to resolve this without a lawyer but as I stated earlier I don’t think we can come to a logical agreement without a mediator of some sorts. Also if I were to hire a lawyer would he/she only be looking out for my interests or also those of my wife?

If you hire the lawyer, he/she would only be looking out for your interests. She would have to hire her own attorney.


The reason I ask is because that was another reason for her not wanting to involve a lawyer because she “Does not want to get f***ed over”

Oh well. She already is lucky that you didn't have her butt carted off to jail. If she wants an attorney tell her to get one. SHe does not dictate whether you get an attorney or not.

 

[ceara19]

Unless the marriage lasted longer then 10 years, she won't be getting spousal support once the divorce is final. Many Judges don't even order temporary support DURING the divorce process when there are children involved because child support is already being paid. If she hits you again, have her ass arrested, get a TRO and then you will have solved the problem of finding a new place to live. Have you gotten child care lined up for your daughter yet?

 

[ljt_tech]

If she supported the home while you went to school then her reasoning is quite logical. How would you feel if you supported the home while she went to school, and then she kicked you to the curb? However, she may be expecting more than a judge would order

I do not disagree with her request. Just because I want a divorce does not mean I dont still love her.

I have no problem helping her out with necessities in life such as feminine products or food but I refuse to fund her social life and/or habits. Especially since I will be the only one providing day care and all the bills of the house including rent until she finds a job.

If you are attempting to convince her to involve just ONE lawyer in the process then she is absolutely right to refuse to agree to that. You both need your own attorneys. However, the more the two of you can agree upon, the less costly the whole thing will be.

She cannot pay for her own lawyer. We do (I feel) need someone who is at least experienced in divorces to guide us through the process.

 

[ljt_tech]

And you didn't call the police because why? She assaulted you -- otherwise known as domestic violence. You should have called the police, had her arrested and gotten a restraining order.

That is the only reason she finally calmed down. I threatened to call the police. I am the one at fault in the divorce thus I feel guilty persuing any further legal action against her than what is necessary. Granted she does not have the right to put her hands on me but I also do not wish to put her in jail. I do not currently have day care set up either. With all the holiday expenses I wont have any money until the new year. Even then I do not have a license (got suspended) nor a car. I ride the bus in the mornings at 5 AM so my wife would still be responsible for getting our daughter to and from daycare. I leave the house at 4:45AM and dont get back until 7PM.

Tell her to pound sand. While she may get temporary spousal support she is NOT guaranteed indefinite spousal support. As for supporting the child -- why do you and her just assume that SHE will get custody? Why aren't you asking for custody and let her go out on her own to do what she wants?

I am asking for custody. She wants full custody. These are some of the things that we cannot agree on. I told her last night that I wanted joint custody. She (I feel) only wants full custody in order to recieve child support.

tell her to buy her own damn cigarettes. If she gets spousal support/child support it will be an amount decided by the court which may not be anywhere near enough for her to sit back and live like she is living now.

I did and she exploded with her whole "I put you through school and you owe me" speech. I can't see her sitting down and compromising with me on anything. She will have to be told by a judge before she would ever comply with what is required of her.

Without a court order? Try nothing. Try staying in the home and paying the bills as usual. Do not remove her from any insurance policies or change things in that regard. But you do not owe her anything at this juncture.

I will. I just wanted a second opinion on the matter. Thank you all for your input. It is really clearing up a lot of misconceptions I previously had about divorce. I have also been doing alot of research online and have printed out the laws regarding divorce including alimony and child custody (not to mention family violence). I intend on presenting them to her in order to show her that things CAN be a lot worse. She thinks she is getting screwed in this whole thing but in reality I am being more than fair to her and her requests.

 

[ceara19]

Joint legal custody still normally requires one parent to pay child support. One parent is almost always designated as the primary and is entitled to receive child support. Personally, with her anger issues, I would go for primary custody if I were you. It is very difficult to change things down the road unless it is by mutual agreement.

Here's a great website with lots of info and forms on Texas law.
http://www.texaslawhelp.org/TX/StateSubTopics.cfm/County/ /City/ /demoMode/= 1/Language/1/State/TX/TextOnly/N/ZipCode/ /LoggedIn/0/iTopicID/495/sTopicImage/familyjuvenile.gif/bAllState/0

 

[LdiJ]

Unless the marriage lasted longer then 10 years, she won't be getting spousal support once the divorce is final. Many Judges don't even order temporary support DURING the divorce process when there are children involved because child support is already being paid. If she hits you again, have her ass arrested, get a TRO and then you will have solved the problem of finding a new place to live. Have you gotten child care lined up for your daughter yet?

The bolded part isn't guaranteed if she supported him through higher education.