Hills worth dying on

[CJane]

What is the name of your state? MO

Ok, I'm not going to rehash EVERYTHING here, but there have been several instances of what I would call minor contempt issues wrt my ex-husband.

This involves a possible, but easily predicted issue that would not be strictly against the court order.

My oldest daughter went to the otolaryngologist today. She has a history of sinus issues, ear infections, tubes in her ears, fluid in her ears and hearing loss. She also has moderate seasonal allergies - has been tested by an allergist and determined to be 'a little bit allergic to everything'.

She is supposed to take Claritin and Rhinocort (a steroidal nasal spray similar to Nasonex) daily. This is upon the recommendation of the pediatrician, the allergist and the ENT doctor.

My ex has consistently refused to give her this medication (it was originally prescribed when she was 6 - too young to be responsible for it on her own) - and more recently has taken it away from her when she's taken it to his house, and refused to allow her to take it.

Today, it was determined that her eustachian tube is not functioning. The assumption is that this is due to allergies causing swelling in the area, and the result is that she's developing air pressure in her inner ear (similar to what happens on an airplane). The doctor again stressed the importance of the daily meds.

My ex did not attend the appointment even though he was made aware of it weeks ago, reminded again last night, etc.

I have written him a letter, explaining the diagnosis and explaining that the doctor was insistent that the meds be administered EVERY DAY. I also stated that as the child is now 10 1/2, she's old enough to be given the responsibility of remembering to take the medication. I've provided her with a journal for tracking her medication, and also the weather and how she feels so that we can get a better grasp on the triggers for these things and hopefully prevent congestion in the future.

The prognosis is that if she does NOT continue with the daily meds, she will eventually need a tonsilectomy and/or her adenoids out - neither of which is minor surgery at her age.

SO... my question - if the ex again REFUSES HER ACCESS to the medications, I think this is a hill worth dying on - in other words, something worth attempting to modify the order over. She's with him 3-4 nights/week. That's a LOT of days to miss meds just because (as he's said) his wife finds it unnecessary.

I already checked with the school, thinking that perhaps she could just take the medication there every day and I wouldn't need to involve him at all - but they don't administer meds if they're to be taken fewer than 4x per day.

I guess I could really just use someone far more impartial than I am to help me see through this.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? MO

Ok, I'm not going to rehash EVERYTHING here, but there have been several instances of what I would call minor contempt issues wrt my ex-husband.

This involves a possible, but easily predicted issue that would not be strictly against the court order.

My oldest daughter went to the otolaryngologist today. She has a history of sinus issues, ear infections, tubes in her ears, fluid in her ears and hearing loss. She also has moderate seasonal allergies - has been tested by an allergist and determined to be 'a little bit allergic to everything'.

She is supposed to take Claritin and Rhinocort (a steroidal nasal spray similar to Nasonex) daily. This is upon the recommendation of the pediatrician, the allergist and the ENT doctor.

My ex has consistently refused to give her this medication (it was originally prescribed when she was 6 - too young to be responsible for it on her own) - and more recently has taken it away from her when she's taken it to his house, and refused to allow her to take it.

Today, it was determined that her eustachian tube is not functioning. The assumption is that this is due to allergies causing swelling in the area, and the result is that she's developing air pressure in her inner ear (similar to what happens on an airplane). The doctor again stressed the importance of the daily meds.

My ex did not attend the appointment even though he was made aware of it weeks ago, reminded again last night, etc.

I have written him a letter, explaining the diagnosis and explaining that the doctor was insistent that the meds be administered EVERY DAY. I also stated that as the child is now 10 1/2, she's old enough to be given the responsibility of remembering to take the medication. I've provided her with a journal for tracking her medication, and also the weather and how she feels so that we can get a better grasp on the triggers for these things and hopefully prevent congestion in the future.

The prognosis is that if she does NOT continue with the daily meds, she will eventually need a tonsilectomy and/or her adenoids out - neither of which is minor surgery at her age.

SO... my question - if the ex again REFUSES HER ACCESS to the medications, I think this is a hill worth dying on - in other words, something worth attempting to modify the order over. She's with him 3-4 nights/week. That's a LOT of days to miss meds just because (as he's said) his wife finds it unnecessary.

I already checked with the school, thinking that perhaps she could just take the medication there every day and I wouldn't need to involve him at all - but they don't administer meds if they're to be taken fewer than 4x per day.

I guess I could really just use someone far more impartial than I am to help me see through this.

I agree that its probably a battle worth fighting...particularly since he doesn't see fit to attend the doctor's appointments....and since his wife sometimes decides to take the children to other doctors, who have no idea of their medical history....and gets them prescribed meds that they are allergic too. You could handle both issues at the same time

 

[bononos again]

Can she keep them in her locker and take them when she is at school?

 

[CJane]

Can she keep them in her locker and take them when she is at school?

I've thought about that, but technically, she can be expelled for any medications not turned into the office.

Also, they only have a month left of school, so we have to get through the whole summer too. Bear in mind that they're with him Th and e/o Fri & Sat. I can make sure she gets her meds on the Wednesday mornings before I drop her off w/him and Sunday nights when I pick her up. And I can make sure she gets them when she's w/me e/o Fri/Sat.

So, if I ignore the 'take it at the same time everyday' rule, I can make sure she's dosed up more days than not. Still not ideal.

My bigger concern though is his refusal to allow her to take the medications. She actually asked me today how she's supposed to HIDE THEM so he doesn't find them and take them. SHE's dedicated to taking the meds. He's equally dedicated to preventing it.

 

[ezmarelda]

I just have to say...WHAT AN A$$!!!

I think this is definatly an issue worth taking back to court. Especialy considering his lovely wifey's aditude and actions in the matter

Good Luck!

 

[GrowUp!]

Can she keep them in her locker and take them when she is at school?

Every school has a strict policy regarding prescribed medications and the school MUST be notified of such.

 

[stealth2]

Every school has a strict policy regarding prescribed medications and the school MUST be notified of such.

Also OTC meds. Pretty much not allowed at all.

 

[lealea1005]

What is the name of your state? MO

Ok, I'm not going to rehash EVERYTHING here, but there have been several instances of what I would call minor contempt issues wrt my ex-husband.

This involves a possible, but easily predicted issue that would not be strictly against the court order.

My oldest daughter went to the otolaryngologist today. She has a history of sinus issues, ear infections, tubes in her ears, fluid in her ears and hearing loss. She also has moderate seasonal allergies - has been tested by an allergist and determined to be 'a little bit allergic to everything'.

She is supposed to take Claritin and Rhinocort (a steroidal nasal spray similar to Nasonex) daily. This is upon the recommendation of the pediatrician, the allergist and the ENT doctor.

My ex has consistently refused to give her this medication (it was originally prescribed when she was 6 - too young to be responsible for it on her own) - and more recently has taken it away from her when she's taken it to his house, and refused to allow her to take it.

Today, it was determined that her eustachian tube is not functioning. The assumption is that this is due to allergies causing swelling in the area, and the result is that she's developing air pressure in her inner ear (similar to what happens on an airplane). The doctor again stressed the importance of the daily meds.

My ex did not attend the appointment even though he was made aware of it weeks ago, reminded again last night, etc.

I have written him a letter, explaining the diagnosis and explaining that the doctor was insistent that the meds be administered EVERY DAY. I also stated that as the child is now 10 1/2, she's old enough to be given the responsibility of remembering to take the medication. I've provided her with a journal for tracking her medication, and also the weather and how she feels so that we can get a better grasp on the triggers for these things and hopefully prevent congestion in the future.

The prognosis is that if she does NOT continue with the daily meds, she will eventually need a tonsilectomy and/or her adenoids out - neither of which is minor surgery at her age.

SO... my question - if the ex again REFUSES HER ACCESS to the medications, I think this is a hill worth dying on - in other words, something worth attempting to modify the order over. She's with him 3-4 nights/week. That's a LOT of days to miss meds just because (as he's said) his wife finds it unnecessary.

I already checked with the school, thinking that perhaps she could just take the medication there every day and I wouldn't need to involve him at all - but they don't administer meds if they're to be taken fewer than 4x per day.
I guess I could really just use someone far more impartial than I am to help me see through this.

If your Physician writes a note indicating your daughter must receive her medication at a specified time that happens to fall during school hours, the school (at least in my state) is required to follow that order, regardless of the dosage frequency. That may help for the remaining month of school at least.

Good luck.

 

[GrowUp!]

Also OTC meds. Pretty much not allowed at all.

Oooh yeah...good point. Forgot about those.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

What is the name of your state? MO
SO... my question - if the ex again REFUSES HER ACCESS to the medications, I think this is a hill worth dying on - in other words, something worth attempting to modify the order over. She's with him 3-4 nights/week. That's a LOT of days to miss meds just because (as he's said) his wife finds it unnecessary.

IMO, yes, definitely.

If you truly believe it’s the right thing, and don’t do anything about it, it could come back to bite you(and your daughter) in the butt(or ear, as the case may be).

In court last week, …she … brought up, while on the stand, that she had offered to let me keep Wednesday overnights thru the end of the school year, “to keep the peace”, even though …she … “believes” it to be having an “adverse impact” on Little Miss Pro Se’s schooling and education. When I asked her, in cross examination, why she would allow something that she truly believed to be detrimental to Little Miss Pro Se to continue, she repeated “to keep the peace”. When I asked her how it was in LMPS’s best interest to just blow off the rest of this school year that way, she didn’t have an answer. I don’t think that the master liked that in the least.

I’d use the same logic for a medical condition. If you have physicians orders and the ex is still refusing to give the meds, you should have grounds to modify.

This doesn't even take into consideration the fact that it truly is in your daughters best interest.

 

[acmb05]

Oooh yeah...good point. Forgot about those.

OTC meds are allowed in school as long as you fill out the papers in the office and leave those pills in the nurses station. The child can then go into the office when they need one and it will be dispensed to them.

I have a bottle of tylenol at my daughters school because she gets frequent headaches and she is allowed to come in and take one during the day if she gets a headache.

Your schools must be extremely strict to not allow OTC meds.

 

[nextwife]

My daughter's school requires ALL meds held by, and administered through, the nurses office.

May I also suggest something else? Some of the other parents on my web support lists of international adoptees have found that a surprising number of kids with a history of ear infections do far better when taken completely off dairy food. Do your own research, but if your child IS allergic to dairy, she may respond well to a diet change and end up not needing the meds anyway. Certainly testing a diet change would not adversely affect your child. And if you have success, the med issue could be moot.

 

[LdiJ]

My daughter's school requires ALL meds held by, and administered through, the nurses office.

May I also suggest something else? Some of the other parents on my web support lists of international adoptees have found that a surprising number of kids with a history of ear infections do far better when taken completely off dairy food. Do your own research, but if your child IS allergic to dairy, she may respond well to a diet change and end up not needing the meds anyway. Certainly testing a diet change would not adversely affect your child. And if you have success, the med issue could be moot.

I absolutely cannot see this father and stepmother cooperating with testing a diet change....particularly if the change was suggested by CJane.

 

[MrsK]

Question- if she were to have her tonsils, etc, removed- so the dr's think this would help with her issues at all in the long run?

 

[CJane]

Question- if she were to have her tonsils, etc, removed- so the dr's think this would help with her issues at all in the long run?

The removal of tonsils, etc? There's evidence to support the idea that it WOULD help, yes. However, as it's a VERY SERIOUS surgery at her age, it's not entered into lightly and the medications are actually more likely to keep the issue under control.

Re: Diet change. We tried that when she was 2 or so... it just didn't work. I appreciate the suggestion though, and unfortunately agree with Ldi - it just wouldn't happen at the 'other' house.

UPDATE:

I received a letter from the ex today. He's DEMANDING a 'quarterly meeting' with me next week. Here's the rub(s):

**we haven't had a quarterly meeting since ... the July that I was pregnant, so that'd be... 21 months ago.
**there is no provision in our new order for quarterly meetings.
**there are restraining orders in effect - frankly, I'm scared to meet with him because I can picture him calling the sheriff and claiming I was harassing him.

Here's what the restraining order says:

"That the above named respondent be restrained from any further contact with petitioner"
"Respondent shall not communicate with Petitioner in any manner or through any medium except regarding the children"
"Respondent shall not use, attempt to use, or threaten to use physical force against Petitioner that would reasonably be expected to cause bodily injury and shall not stalk, abuse, threaten to abuse, molest or disturb the peace of Petitioner wherever Petitioner may be found."

The bolded portion is what actually bothers me because today's letter says this:

"Your letters don't seek agreement, they don't suggest options, they are ex parte, positional, they are accusatory, the falsely allege, and as it is a reaction rather than a resolution that you seek, they are a means to an end. Your letters do not appear to be written to anyone who was party to the events that you write about.

Such baseless and accusatory rhetoric can only be written with the intent of harassment or to subvert some undisclosed recipient of OUR correspondence. All your actions do is disturb the peace of my family."

Mind you, this is in response to my letter to him a MONTH ago, that I posted in this thread...

https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=357393&highlight=stupidhead

Following is what he wants to 'discuss' at our 'meeting' (which I don't think I can legally attend).

1) July 4.

It's his weekend. I made an error and thought it was mine and said that he'd get the kids back on the 5th. I have NO issue giving them back the morning of the 4th. So to me, not something that needs discussed.

2) Daycare changes

He wants to "discuss criteria for an acceptable care provider and reach a joint decision if changes are to be continued."

Bear in mind that when the new orders went into effect a year ago (almost to the day) that they said the children should remain with the current child care provider unless we agreed to change providers. The current provider was his wife. However, in an email from July of '06, he said that his wife had never provided child care and so I'd have to find it somewhere else. I did.

3) The highway patrol lists 4 sex offenders 'near' my new address (his claim). 'Your improper notice gave me no time to make this known to you prior to your relocation. This is a huge concern for the children's safety especially since the nearest offender was convicted of Exploitation of a Minor.'

I did a check on the MSHP website for the ENTIRE TOWN that I live in before I moved here 3 years ago, and again before I moved back in March. There are 9 RSOs in the entire town (only 4000 people)... one of them lives closer to me than 1 mile. The other 9 live at least a mile and up to 10 miles away from me.

4) Safety, regarding Unruly (the 7 year old) who has been reporting that she is visiting stranger's apartments at your new complex while playing with children that she meets while unsupervised at the playground.

Hardly worth addressing - EVERYONE I know is a stranger to him. He's NEVER likely to meet them. Hard to counter that assertion, no? She HAS played at friend's houses - with her 10 year old sister, and after I've met their parents.

5. Decision on using a Pediatrician vs. Current Doctor whom he claims is a geriatric specialist. There IS a geriatric specialist in the same practice, however, the children see a Pediatric nurse practitioner and have for YEARS.

6. Rhinocort prescriptions for children. Who prescribed this for Unruly? Why do you agree with long-term steroid treatment? Why does this medicine not come to my house if I am to give it to them?

I OFFERED TO SEND this medication w/the kids when they come to his house. HE REFUSED IT. I SENT IT, AND HE SENT IT BACK UNUSED!.

7. Counseling.

He threw the idea of counseling out at our trial and again at the hearing for the restraining orders. I'm not rehashing it all here because it's in other threads, but basically he brings it up in court, and then nothing ever happens. He won't agree to see any counselors that I suggest because it has to be a 'faith based' counselor recommended by Promise Keepers.

8. Developmental issues wrt Unruly. He claims she is continuously wetting her pants.

I actually asked her about this today, and she said it's happened once - at school, during recess. She hasn't wet her pants while in my care in the entire 3 years we've been divorced.

He also claims she's having tummy aches 'every time custody changes back to' me. Which is funny because there's documented proof via the GAL that the reverse is true.

He's again claiming she has ADHD and needs medicated.

9. Communication between us.

I'm not ALLOWED TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIM. He will NOT answer his phone when I call. He claims that email is harassing him. He is now claiming that written communication is harassment, and I'm frankly scared to talk to him when he drops off the children.

10. Exracurricular activities.

11. Summer programs/events that the girls might participate in. Ideas and shared cost estimates.

This is fine. I've already signed them up for summer camp at my expense, they declined being involved in softball/t-ball, and we've arranged riding lessons during my days. I'm willing to bet he'll have issues with all of the above.

12. What is your plan to make payment on the $1500 judgment that the court awarded me against you in May of last year?

It was actually ordered in March, at our trial. But whatever. I have no intention of paying him until the ruling on the appeal comes through since if the order is overturned, that will be as well.

Thoughts?

Can I LEGALLY attend this meeting? I'm gonna be some kind of pissed off if I get arrested for trying to have a parenting meeting.

If he's claiming that the letter I linked in this post is harassing, how am I supposed to communicate?

He's also claiming that I'm lying about Wild's allergic reaction to Penicillin that she had WHILE WE WERE STILL MARRIED as she was 8 MONTHS OLD at the time.