Visitation

[Ohiogal]

First of all, you must have never been cheated on, or you wouldn't say unfortunately affairs happen. Affairs happen because people don't have the morals or decency to get a divorce first and then sleep with someone else.

That is your opinion. HOWEVER the divorce happened. You need to move on and you do not get to poison your child's relationship with her father because you haven't moved on and he has.

She doesn't have a father who tries, to me going 6 months without seeing your child is not trying. When he was having the affair with his current wife, he had no problem taking off work and traveling from GA to LA once or twice a month to sleep with her, but he can't do that to see his daughter.

He is trying. He wants to see her and is making the effort to see her.

I want her to have a healthy relationship with her father, but getting her 2 or 3 times a year and leaving her part of that time with someone with no morals is not healthy for my child.

She has morals. You just don't agree with her. And if he is working in town six hundred miles away he can leave the child with daycare while he works. Same as you can.

He has no morals either but b/c he is her Daddy I can't stop him from seeing her, and quite frankly since she took my child's father from her I don't think she deserves any kind of relationship with my daughter, although I have never let my daughter know how I feel about her stepmother or what they did which is very hard.

Betcha your daughter knows how you feel about her stepmom. And YOU do NOT get to dictate who gets to have a relationship with your daughter while she is spending time with her father.

 

[LdiJ]

OG, its not daycare. Dad works offshore on an oil rig, for an ENTIRE week at a time. He doesn't come home at night. Therefore the child won't see him at all for the entire week.

 

[stepmomndad]

He gets a total of 4 weeks in the summer, 4 consecutive or 2 sets of 2 weeks consecutive, of course all that is if we can't agree with each other about visitation.

There's one other thing I'd like to point out. According to the court order that you posted, it looks like dad actually has 4 weeks in the summer. I don't think I'd want my daughter to have to travel 600 miles each weekend, which could happen. For instance

Week 1 - travel to dad's 600 miles
Week 2 - travel to mom's 600 miles
Week 3 - tavel to dad's 600 miles
Week 4 - travel to mom's 600 miles
Week 5 - travel to dad's 600 miles
Week 6 - travel to mom's 600 miles
Week 7 - travel to dad's 600 miles
Week 8 - travel to mom's 600 miles

That's a lot of traveling for a 6 year old. In 8 weeks time, she'd travel 4800 miles! I'd rather have my daughter travel 1200 miles in one summer and spend a week with her step-mom (or SDad) then have to travel 4800 miles. I know how hard the traveling can be on a child. JMO. Of course, the court order does state that Dad can have her for 4 consecutive weeks, so, you could be away from her for four weeks at one time, with dad going to work for two of those weeks.

 

[Chelle0578]

Dad is gone for a week, but it sounds as if he has other family around there that the child is spending time with, like 2 days with her grandparents. Dad has to work in order to be able and provide for the child...its not like he is off on vacation.

ROFR may be the way to go, but if I was dad and she asked for that...I'd request her to be the one traveling 600 miles to pick up the child. Bet that would help her to accept this situation.

This all boils down to this, Mom has not gotten past the affair and divorce...and has a few power issues.

 

[GAMOMtired]

First of all I have moved on, I have a new husband with 2 kids and we are very happy. But in regards to him leaving us, he did, he divorced me but he moved 600 miles from her at his own choice and has very little contact with her at his own choice. He had a good job and he could have lived nearby so he could have a major part in her life but he chose not to. My husband calls his children every night and they live 5 miles down the road. It's not that expensive to pick up the phone and make a 2 minute call to say I Love you. He might call her once or twice a month and sometimes not even that. My daughter already calls my husband since November, Daddy. That should say how much of a relationship her real father tries to have with her.

Secondly I have never said anything negative in front of my child about her father or her stepmom and I don't care what anyone thinks, she has no idea how I feel, I keep it inside so she doesn't get hurt. I would never put anyone down in front of my child. I have tried to teach her to love everyone as God loves us. I try to do that myself, but when it comes to them I don't have much success. Even when you move on the pain that was caused to you is still there every time you go to a ball game or school function or anything else that parents attend and her Daddy is not there by choice.

I don't know how you think someone who knowingly has an affair with a married man has morals and if it was your husband you wouldn't agree with her so-called morals either.

Thank-you LdiJ for clearing that up about his work arrangements.

Let me put it to everyone like this. Picture being 6 years old and going to see your dad for 2 weeks that you thought would be spent with him and you get up one morning and he says I have to leave you for a week to go to work. You are 600 miles from home haven't seen your mom or any other family in a week and now you have to spend a week with a woman you have met 3 times in your life. Any one who thinks they would feel good about their child being there hasn't been there.

 

[Silverplum]

Eh. You'd be bitchin' if he didn't have a job and therefore didn't pay support. So you don't like the way he makes a living, huh? So you made a stand and don't spend the money he makes, right?

 

[Chelle0578]

First of all I have moved on, I have a new husband with 2 kids and we are very happy. But in regards to him leaving us, he did, he divorced me but he moved 600 miles from her at his own choice and has very little contact with her at his own choice. He had a good job and he could have lived nearby so he could have a major part in her life but he chose not to. My husband calls his children every night and they live 5 miles down the road. It's not that expensive to pick up the phone and make a 2 minute call to say I Love you. He might call her once or twice a month and sometimes not even that. My daughter already calls my husband since November, Daddy. That should say how much of a relationship her real father tries to have with her.

Secondly I have never said anything negative in front of my child about her father or her stepmom and I don't care what anyone thinks, she has no idea how I feel, I keep it inside so she doesn't get hurt. I would never put anyone down in front of my child. I have tried to teach her to love everyone as God loves us. I try to do that myself, but when it comes to them I don't have much success. Even when you move on the pain that was caused to you is still there every time you go to a ball game or school function or anything else that parents attend and her Daddy is not there by choice.

I don't know how you think someone who knowingly has an affair with a married man has morals and if it was your husband you wouldn't agree with her so-called morals either.

Thank-you LdiJ for clearing that up about his work arrangements.

Let me put it to everyone like this. Picture being 6 years old and going to see your dad for 2 weeks that you thought would be spent with him and you get up one morning and he says I have to leave you for a week to go to work. You are 600 miles from home haven't seen your mom or any other family in a week and now you have to spend a week with a woman you have met 3 times in your life. Any one who thinks they would feel good about their child being there hasn't been there.

We never said we would "feel good" about it, and I'm sure she misses you. Feel free to continue to call her occasionally and boost her self-esteem...it really should help and definitely wont hurt.

But, this is a law forum and that is the law (following visitation). As stated previously, if you don’t like it ... petition for a ROFR, and hope for the best. However, dad has rights too and he is exercising them legally. Affairs are not illegal, and ignoring a court order is...that is the jist of it!

 

[GAMOMtired]

Dad is gone for a week, but it sounds as if he has other family around there that the child is spending time with, like 2 days with her grandparents. Dad has to work in order to be able and provide for the child...its not like he is off on vacation.

ROFR may be the way to go, but if I was dad and she asked for that...I'd request her to be the one traveling 600 miles to pick up the child. Bet that would help her to accept this situation.

This all boils down to this, Mom has not gotten past the affair and divorce...and has a few power issues.

I would be happy to have picked my child up if he would have let me know before he left to go to work, he called me after the fact and told me where she would be staying during that time. I also asked him in the very beginning to let her stay only 1 week since he would be working and he would not agree to that. As for the power issue, when we were married he was never at home(hunting and camping) and I had all the power and RESPONSIBILITY, familiar with that word, he wasn't. That's why we are divorced.

She hardly knows her grandparents, they have not seen or called her since she last visited in November. Since the divorce they have never called her personally. In the years of her life while we were married they visited us twice in 4 years, we went there twice a year or more if possible. I also helped raise his son from his first marriage who lived with us for 7 years till his father and I divorced, he also left him in Georgia 1 week after he graduated from high school, because he wanted to stay here and go to college. it's hard to forget something that effects your child like a divorce. As far as I know you never get over a divorce when children are involved.

 

[GAMOMtired]

I don't even want an ROFR, I just want him to use a little common sense and be there when she visits until she gets a little older. I even asked if he would leave her with his parents till she gets a little more used to her stepmom, his mom is retired and could have kept her. I hurt because my child hurts. I miss her and she misses me. I have never intentionally hurt anyone and I don't understand any of this.

I was raised in a Christian family where you got married and stayed that way and took care of your kids together. I can't imagine how hard this is for my little girl and there's nothing I can do to help her. I'm sorry that I can't feel good about her stepmom, I would if I could. I pray all the time for God to help me with that.

As for the job issue, I'm glad he has a good job, he has worked all his life and finally got a great job with an oil company making good money and I have not and am not planning on taking him back to court for more CS, I feel what I get and being remarried we have all we need at this time, and I'm not ******* about that as Silverplum said. I've never even griped when my child support was late. I understand that sometimes money is tight. He owes me money right now for dental bills (250.00) and has owed it to me since December and I have only asked him about it twice b/c I know he doesn't have it and it's paid for, so as for not taking his money, don't go there, I'm not like that.

 

[Chelle0578]

I would be happy to have picked my child up if he would have let me know before he left to go to work, he called me after the fact and told me where she would be staying during that time. I also asked him in the very beginning to let her stay only 1 week since he would be working and he would not agree to that. As for the power issue, when we were married he was never at home(hunting and camping) and I had all the power and RESPONSIBILITY, familiar with that word, he wasn't. That's why we are divorced.

She hardly knows her grandparents, they have not seen or called her since she last visited in November. Since the divorce they have never called her personally. In the years of her life while we were married they visited us twice in 4 years, we went there twice a year or more if possible.

~Well it sounds like 2 days with them is a start to getting to know them Another relationship you should encourage.

I also helped raise his son from his first marriage who lived with us for 7 years till his father and I divorced, he also left him in Georgia 1 week after he graduated from high school, because he wanted to stay here and go to college. it's hard to forget something that effects your child like a divorce. As far as I know you never get over a divorce when children are involved.

I'm divorced and my ex cheated as well, yes its hard on our daughter...but alot better than living with 2 unhappy parents under one roof!

 

[GAMOMtired]

We never said we would "feel good" about it, and I'm sure she misses you. Feel free to continue to call her occasionally and boost her self-esteem...it really should help and definitely wont hurt.

But, this is a law forum and that is the law (following visitation). As stated previously, if you don’t like it ... petition for a ROFR, and hope for the best. However, dad has rights too and he is exercising them legally. Affairs are not illegal, and ignoring a court order is...that is the jist of it!

It seems to make it worse when I call her. She was better today b/c he had made it home. Funny how affairs aren't illegal and something like jaywalking is. The world just doesn't make sense sometimes. Thanks for the positive feedback, I'm really getting slammed by everyone else.

 

[LdiJ]

We never said we would "feel good" about it, and I'm sure she misses you. Feel free to continue to call her occasionally and boost her self-esteem...it really should help and definitely wont hurt.

But, this is a law forum and that is the law (following visitation). As stated previously, if you don’t like it ... petition for a ROFR, and hope for the best. However, dad has rights too and he is exercising them legally. Affairs are not illegal, and ignoring a court order is...that is the jist of it!

She wouldn't be denying visitation if dad isn't even THERE. If the child were spending the week with the grandparents it could be a different story, but the child is not.

You all would be ripping her a new one if she wanted to leave the child for a week with her husband, instead of leaving the child with dad if that is what dad wanted.

OP, take this back to court and get the orders modified to state that dad's visitation has to take place during the weeks that dad is home...and may not take place during the weeks he is offshore.

 

[GAMOMtired]

She wouldn't be denying visitation if dad isn't even THERE. If the child were spending the week with the grandparents it could be a different story, but the child is not.

I asked him to let her stay the week with them instead.

You all would be ripping her a new one if she wanted to leave the child for a week with her husband, instead of leaving the child with dad if that is what dad wanted.

Thanks I needed a little support here.

OP, take this back to court and get the orders modified to state that dad's visitation has to take place during the weeks that dad is home...and may not take place during the weeks he is offshore.

I'm scared the courts wouldnt' agree to that, do you think they would? I've never left her for a week with any one, not even my parents and they live 10 miles away and she sees them at least once a week. I don't want to open a can of worms by going back to court. I would die if I had to send her there for most of the summer b/c of the distance. when she gets older it will be a little easier I hope.

 

[ajs09876]

So..

Why don't you do what I suggested and get all these problems settled legally? You really need to do that. That way you and dad will have more rights. Visitation is a priviledge, not an obligation. He doesn't have to take her every time he's supposed to, but you do need to make her available. Maybe you should offer to meet him halfway or cover half of the travel expenses so that your daughter could see her father and have a relationship with him (which is more important than how much it hurts you that he left you or even more important than how much he hurt her)

Get the kid some counceling (sp?) and start making an effort for your daughter to have a good relationship with her Dad. Maybe set up a time with him every week where she calls him. Then she gets to talk to her Dad and Dad can't say she never calls.

The more I think about it, I don't see what is wrong with her spending some time with stepmom while Dad is working either. That's just one more person in this world who cares for her. You said yourself that she treats her well.. Really what's the harm? I think you need to let go of this whole married for life and he left us attitude and focus your energy on maintaining your daughter's relationship with her dad. She deserves that much.

P.S. Don't have your daughter call your husband "Daddy" He's not.

 

[GAMOMtired]

I have to leave the forum till tomorrow, Thanks for all the replies, good and bad.