Visitation

[Silverplum]

Go ahead, LdiJ -- finish your post. Tell OP how long a modification will take, and what are her chances.

 

[GAMOMtired]

Why don't you do what I suggested and get all these problems settled legally? You really need to do that. That way you and dad will have more rights. Visitation is a priviledge, not an obligation. He doesn't have to take her every time he's supposed to, but you do need to make her available. Maybe you should offer to meet him halfway or cover half of the travel expenses so that your daughter could see her father and have a relationship with him (which is more important than how much it hurts you that he left you or even more important than how much he hurt her)

Get the kid some counceling (sp?) and start making an effort for your daughter to have a good relationship with her Dad. Maybe set up a time with him every week where she calls him. Then she gets to talk to her Dad and Dad can't say she never calls.

The more I think about it, I don't see what is wrong with her spending some time with stepmom while Dad is working either. That's just one more person in this world who cares for her. You said yourself that she treats her well.. Really what's the harm? I think you need to let go of this whole married for life and he left us attitude and focus your energy on maintaining your daughter's relationship with her dad. She deserves that much.

P.S. Don't have your daughter call your husband "Daddy" He's not.

I didn't have her do that she just started doing that on her own, b/c she sees him every night and he does all the things for her that Daddy's are supposed to do. Our counselor said it was ok and that just meant she had someone else to love her and care for her just like you said. I also don't have a problem spending some time alone with her stepmom, just not a whole week with her dad in the Gulf of Mexico. That's a good idea about the phone calls though, I will approach him with that when she gets back.

I feel he should be the one to maintain their relationship though. He doesn't help me maintain my relationship and neither does anyone else, that is my responsiblity as a parent.

 

[profmum]

First of all, you must have never been cheated on, or you wouldn't say unfortunately affairs happen. Affairs happen because people don't have the morals or decency to get a divorce first and then sleep with someone else. She doesn't have a father who tries, to me going 6 months without seeing your child is not trying. When he was having the affair with his current wife, he had no problem taking off work and traveling from GA to LA once or twice a month to sleep with her, but he can't do that to see his daughter. I want her to have a healthy relationship with her father, but getting her 2 or 3 times a year and leaving her part of that time with someone with no morals is not healthy for my child. He has no morals either but b/c he is her Daddy I can't stop him from seeing her, and quite frankly since she took my child's father from her I don't think she deserves any kind of relationship with my daughter, although I have never let my daughter know how I feel about her stepmother or what they did which is very hard.

There is the issue of Dad visitation time where the child with the step mum, and you have got great responses on that, and there seems to be the issue of your anger towards Dad because he could take time off to see his mistress but not his daugther and his mistress "took Dad away" from your family.

Yes it stinks BUT as a loving mother, those are your demonds for you to deal with, not her. Adress the visitation issue with clearer specifications on what the visitation means and whether the stepparent can be the one that your child spends all her time with etc and that is best you can do.

On the morality issue..does not have an legal baring on the visitation issue, embrace what happened and look at the fact that your daugther is with a loving stepparent, trust me it could be much worse. You already encouraged her to stay and that is showing how you are able to put her needs above your own anger.. good for you.. keep going down that path!!

 

[Silverplum]

I didn't have her do that she just started doing that on her own, b/c she sees him every night and he does all the things for her that Daddy's are supposed to do. Our counselor said it was ok and that just meant she had someone else to love her and care for her just like you said. I also don't have a problem spending some time alone with her stepmom, just not a whole week with her dad in the Gulf of Mexico. That's a good idea about the phone calls though, I will approach him with that when she gets back.

Is your "counselor" an attorney? A judge? No? Then your counselor is WRONG WRONG WRONG.

I feel he should be the one to maintain their relationship though. He doesn't help me maintain my relationship and neither does anyone else, that is my responsiblity as a parent.

Then YOU don't know one of the most important responsibilities of the custodial parent.

 

[Chelle0578]

Why don't you do what I suggested and get all these problems settled legally? You really need to do that. That way you and dad will have more rights. Visitation is a priviledge, not an obligation. He doesn't have to take her every time he's supposed to, but you do need to make her available. Maybe you should offer to meet him halfway or cover half of the travel expenses so that your daughter could see her father and have a relationship with him (which is more important than how much it hurts you that he left you or even more important than how much he hurt her)

Get the kid some counceling (sp?) and start making an effort for your daughter to have a good relationship with her Dad. Maybe set up a time with him every week where she calls him. Then she gets to talk to her Dad and Dad can't say she never calls.

The more I think about it, I don't see what is wrong with her spending some time with stepmom while Dad is working either. That's just one more person in this world who cares for her. You said yourself that she treats her well.. Really what's the harm? I think you need to let go of this whole married for life and he left us attitude and focus your energy on maintaining your daughter's relationship with her dad. She deserves that much.

P.S. Don't have your daughter call your husband "Daddy" He's not.

She shouldn't "have her" call him Daddy, but it is not wrong if the child does...if that is what "the child" chooses to call him, and vice versa with the stepmom. Why confuse the child more. It SUCKS, I know ... but it is reality, they are step-"parents".

 

[Silverplum]

She shouldn't "have her" call him Daddy, but it is not wrong if the child does...if that is what "the child" chooses to call him, and vice versa with the stepmom. Why confuse the child more. It SUCKS, I know ... but it is reality, they are step-"parents".

This is a LEGAL site. The correct LEGAL answer is: Do not ALLOW your child to call anyone other than their actual parent by the name "Mom" or "Dad." This includes "Mommy" and "Daddy," and "Mama" and "Papa," and all variations thereof.

 

[Chelle0578]

This is a LEGAL site. The correct LEGAL answer is: Do not ALLOW your child to call anyone other than their actual parent by the name "Mom" or "Dad." This includes "Mommy" and "Daddy," and "Mama" and "Papa," and all variations thereof.

I expected that, and accept that is legally true...but its 2007 and step-parents are in over 64% of homes, unfortunately it is becoming a way of the world.

 

[ajs09876]

I am going to tell you something that I tell my husband when he complains about his father. His Dad was never there for him growing up, and he's constantly complaining that he has to be the one to call him all the time and he's got to be the one to make time and plans with his Dad. I tell him all the time... Is it important for you to have a relationship with your dad? Because if it is then you have to realize that that is who your dad is. If you want a relationship with him you are going to have to do all the leg work because he's not going to just wake up one day and change. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you and it doesn't mean he doesn't care, he's just not very good at picking up the phone and saying it.

It is very important for your child to know that. Plus as the CP you have added responsibility of maintaining relationship with Dad. That's just the way it works. It sucks that he doesn't call, but that's who he is and I suspect you knew that when you married him

P.S. Seriously, no counsellor would tell you to let the child call step daddy "Daddy" Not a good one anyway. He may do all sorts of things for her and may love her as his own, but he's not her daddy. She has a daddy already. She needs to know that.

 

[LdiJ]

Go ahead, LdiJ -- finish your post. Tell OP how long a modification will take, and what are her chances.

If she hops on it now it will definitely be handled by the time that next summer rolls around, and quite frankly her chances are excellent. Dad only works 26 weeks of the year, and has the other 26 available to schedule visitation. Its totally reasonable to have visitation take place during weeks that dad has off.

 

[stepmomndad]

I'm not speaking on a legal front, but, on a personal front. Out of respect for your child's father, have her call her s-dad a name just for him. Dad/Daddy/Papa is a name for your child's dad.

My daughter calls me Father-Daddy (at her mom's house, that's what she calls me), her x-SDad Daddy, and her SDad Papa. Confusing! At my house, she calls me Daddy and her x-SDad Brent, and her SDad Jack. It hurts when I hear her call another man Daddy. And, I've been there for her.

On the flip side, how would you feel if she called SMom Mommy? My wife and I taught my daughter that while my wife loves her, she'd rather have her Mommy called Mommy. She has called my wife Mommy at times, but, we try not to have her do it.

 

[nextwife]

Wow. Most of our friend's Grandkids call their Grandfathers "Papa" (and Grandma, "Nana").

 

[Chelle0578]

My daughter calls my wife her "other mommy", and her stepdad her "other daddy", it hurts at times...but to me it is whats best for her. Both stepmom and stepdad have been around since she was 2, and she knows no life without them. This is what makes her comfortable, so I deal with it.

It may be best to avoid it, but surely there isnt a law involving the issue?

 

[proud_parent]

P.S. Seriously, no counsellor would tell you to let the child call step daddy "Daddy" Not a good one anyway.

Oh, really? What are your credentials, and against what benchmark are you evaluating OP's counselor (whom I presume you have not met)?

The fact is that a licensed child therapist, operating entirely within the ethics and standards of his/her professional practice, might very well advise that it is OK for a child of this age to call the stepfather "Daddy" if she's already comfortable with that -- particularly if the father does not object. A good child therapist certainly would be expected to voice concern if there were some indication that alienation from either parent has occurred; for example, if the child uses intimate forms of address only when referring to the custodial parent and spouse, and not when referring to the non-custodial parent.

With all due respect to the other posters, who make very good suggestions about encouraging different terms of address, there are many well-adjusted, emotionally healthy children who identify two different "Daddies" in their extended family: some combination of both "Daddy" and "Dad", or "Daddy"/"Papa", or "Dad"/"Daddy Bob", etc. The important thing is not the label, but that the child knows who her father is, and can verbalize the difference between a parent and step-parent at an age-appropriate level of understanding. (I'm not about to comment whether this is true in OP's case.)

That said, if the child has arrived at calling stepdad "Daddy" on her own, mom would be wise to broach the subject with the father, and if he voices a concern she should ensure that some other mutually approved form of address for stepdad is used instead.

 

[Silverplum]

All that, and you're on the wrong site. This is a LEGAL site, and LEGALLY, it is a BAD idea to allow a child to call a legal stranger by a parent's name.

Go ahead. Try it in front of a judge in a family law case. It always turns out badly for the parent allowing such disrespectful behavior.

The REASON the "counselor" was called WRONG WRONG WRONG here (and I notice you didn't quote me -- hoping to get off easily?) was on a LEGAL basis.

Yeah. That's what we're talking about here. LEGAL stuff.

Oh, really? What are your credentials, and against what benchmark are you evaluating OP's counselor (whom I presume you have not met)?

The fact is that a licensed child therapist, operating entirely within the ethics and standards of his/her professional practice, might very well advise that it is OK for a child of this age to call the stepfather "Daddy" if she's already comfortable with that -- particularly if the father does not object. A good child therapist certainly would be expected to voice concern if there were some indication that alienation from either parent has occurred; for example, if the child uses intimate forms of address only when referring to the custodial parent and spouse, and not when referring to the non-custodial parent.

With all due respect to the other posters, who make very good suggestions about encouraging different terms of address, there are many well-adjusted, emotionally healthy children who identify two different "Daddies" in their extended family: some combination of both "Daddy" and "Dad", or "Daddy"/"Papa", or "Dad"/"Daddy Bob", etc. The important thing is not the label, but that the child knows who her father is, and can verbalize the difference between a parent and step-parent at an age-appropriate level of understanding. (I'm not about to comment whether this is true in OP's case.)

That said, if the child has arrived at calling stepdad "Daddy" on her own, mom would be wise to broach the subject with the father, and if he voices a concern she should ensure that some other mutually approved form of address for stepdad is used instead.

 

[Ohiogal]

I didn't have her do that she just started doing that on her own, b/c she sees him every night and he does all the things for her that Daddy's are supposed to do. Our counselor said it was ok and that just meant she had someone else to love her and care for her just like you said. I also don't have a problem spending some time alone with her stepmom, just not a whole week with her dad in the Gulf of Mexico. That's a good idea about the phone calls though, I will approach him with that when she gets back.

I feel he should be the one to maintain their relationship though. He doesn't help me maintain my relationship and neither does anyone else, that is my responsiblity as a parent.

Your counselor is NOT a lawyer nor a judge. The COURTS frown on a child calling anyone but mom and dad, mommy and daddy. It could appear to the courts that you are attempting to alienate your daughter from your father by allowing this. Your counselor may mean well but such actions could hurt you in court.