is this normal?

[luckymom]

Illinois
My court orders require me to confer with ex about medical matters. I am the CP of a healthy 12 year old girl who wears glasses. She has since the first grade. Each year, I take her for an eye exam before school starts and her nearsightedness has usually gotten sligthly worse little by little. In the last 24 hrs. I have gotten no less than 8 semi-hysterical e-mails from her dad asking me what I intend to do about her "deteriorating eyesight." Her prescription is -2.25 in one eye and -3 in the other, which according to a site I found on the web makes her "mildly myopic." I've told ex I intend to do nothing more than what I've been doing--taking her for an annual eye check and getting glasses and probably at some point contacts as needed. I finally told him after the 8th message that the discussion is closed--and of course he now saying that I am in contempt for not confering. Is this crazy or what?

 

[tkchewy]

Illinois
My court orders require me to confer with ex about medical matters. I am the CP of a healthy 12 year old girl who wears glasses. She has since the first grade. Each year, I take her for an eye exam before school starts and her nearsightedness has usually gotten sligthly worse little by little. In the last 24 hrs. I have gotten no less than 8 semi-hysterical e-mails from her dad asking me what I intend to do about her "deteriorating eyesight." Her prescription is -2.25 in one eye and -3 in the other, which according to a site I found on the web makes her "mildly myopic." I've told ex I intend to do nothing more than what I've been doing--taking her for an annual eye check and getting glasses and probably at some point contacts as needed. I finally told him after the 8th message that the discussion is closed--and of course he now saying that I am in contempt for not confering. Is this crazy or what?

I do know all you are required to do is notify of the appoinment, heck invite him to it and that way he can ask the DR. all these questions and take the heat off yourself. As CP, unless you are neglecting the child, you have done what is required...After the visit submit your medical bill to him so he can pay half, and send it certified , return reciept.Let the Doc give him the facts, how does he know unless he is a Doc himself...as far as the amount of e-mails, that can be addressed in court as harassment,

 

[LdiJ]

Illinois
My court orders require me to confer with ex about medical matters. I am the CP of a healthy 12 year old girl who wears glasses. She has since the first grade. Each year, I take her for an eye exam before school starts and her nearsightedness has usually gotten sligthly worse little by little. In the last 24 hrs. I have gotten no less than 8 semi-hysterical e-mails from her dad asking me what I intend to do about her "deteriorating eyesight." Her prescription is -2.25 in one eye and -3 in the other, which according to a site I found on the web makes her "mildly myopic." I've told ex I intend to do nothing more than what I've been doing--taking her for an annual eye check and getting glasses and probably at some point contacts as needed. I finally told him after the 8th message that the discussion is closed--and of course he now saying that I am in contempt for not confering. Is this crazy or what?

I don't know that its crazy, but its a bit over-reactive. Has he made any suggestions himself as to a different course of action?

 

[Ohiogal]

Confer does not mean inform. It is actually taken more as consult and then the two parties are to make a decision together about the course of action. Throw it back in dad's lap and ask his opinion on what should be done?

 

[CLBKLCDTB]

Illinois
My court orders require me to confer with ex about medical matters. I am the CP of a healthy 12 year old girl who wears glasses. She has since the first grade. Each year, I take her for an eye exam before school starts and her nearsightedness has usually gotten sligthly worse little by little. In the last 24 hrs. I have gotten no less than 8 semi-hysterical e-mails from her dad asking me what I intend to do about her "deteriorating eyesight." Her prescription is -2.25 in one eye and -3 in the other, which according to a site I found on the web makes her "mildly myopic." I've told ex I intend to do nothing more than what I've been doing--taking her for an annual eye check and getting glasses and probably at some point contacts as needed. I finally told him after the 8th message that the discussion is closed--and of course he now saying that I am in contempt for not confering. Is this crazy or what?

I am myopic. I am 40. Tbere is no way to "correct" myopia.

A child with myopia canhave their vision become stable at anytime. For me my site got worse each year untill I was 13.

Again you can not correct it or stop it. All that can be done is to wait for it to become stable.
Once her vision remains the same for two or more years it will be safe to say it is stable and will remain the same into adulthood.

If infact her vision remains the same she would be able to have laser surgery so she would not have to wear glasses when she is older.

Her case is mild, and she is already 12, so maybe it will remain the same and not get any worse.

Does she see an optomologist or an optician? There is a difference.

 

[enjay]

A child with myopia canhave their vision become stable at anytime. For me my site got worse each year untill I was 13.

Yep. My DS has worn glasses since he was 7. This year, at 13, was the first year his vision didn't get worse. That's normal. He might be stable for years, or his vision might get worse next year. I haven't ordered the seeing eye dog yet.

 

[CLBKLCDTB]

Yep. My DS has worn glasses since he was 7. This year, at 13, was the first year his vision didn't get worse. That's normal. He might be stable for years, or his vision might get worse next year. I haven't ordered the seeing eye dog yet.

hahaha...@ the eye dog.

My vision is bad. Laser surgery is not an option. I have had glasses since I was 3. My mom thought I was such a good baby cuz I never got into anything or wandered off...Then she found out it was because I couldn't see. hahaha

As for a seeing eye dog. I have thought about it..
I am 40. I have very poor vision. 20/60 left ey 20/80 right eye. "corrected" (.14 optimum.. I think is what he said ,laser surgery not an option for me)

With myopia it can change with age, anytime, without warning. Once it starts to change, it can get progressivley worse. Then again it could just stay the same for the rest of my life.
From age 13-till last year, I seen the Optomologist every two years. Now the last time I went he said due to my age I will need to be seen every year

 

[luckymom]

Confer does not mean inform. It is actually taken more as consult and then the two parties are to make a decision together about the course of action. Throw it back in dad's lap and ask his opinion on what should be done?

True, but since something similar to this happened last year, I asked him this year if he would like to take her for her eye check-up to his dr. (We live in different states.) He declined.

 

[Ohiogal]

True, but since something similar to this happened last year, I asked him this year if he would like to take her for her eye check-up to his dr. (We live in different states.) He declined.

Amd that is NOT the end of conferring. You still have to confer on proper treatment for the child whether or not dad wants to take her.

 

[luckymom]

Amd that is NOT the end of conferring. You still have to confer on proper treatment for the child whether or not dad wants to take her.

But in real terms, what does it mean to "confer" about the most mundane medical matters? Do I need to discuss with him whether her teeth should be cleaned? Thank god, she's never had a cavity because that would be a crisis! In the same way, what is there to "confer" about in relation to mild nearsightedness? To not get her glasses would be neglect, I would think. How about when she gets a cold? Should I confer with him before I gave her tylenol? I can certainly understand that parents need to discuss things where there is a serious illness involved or some controversy about what form treatment should take, but we are talking about completely routine care in this case.

The larger question from my perspective is how to deal with an ex who makes everything related to our daughter a crisis that requires endless consultation. My child is healthy and happy, and I am busy, and frankly I don't want to deal with his need for drama and conflict. In this case, I gave him the name of her eye dr. and suggested he confer with him directly and let me know if there is anything other than glasses that should be considered.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Well, you can always suggest that HE take her to a different doctor and see if there is anything different from the first diagnosis. Can definately say - same diagnosis - dad pays for it ... more to it and there should be further checking it out ... split it according to the plan.

I know all about the drama kings! Mine does major 'legal' prescriptions!

 

[CJane]

But in real terms, what does it mean to "confer" about the most mundane medical matters?

What does your order actually SAY?

My order says we must confer about 'major' medical decisions, but that we're to each make routine and minor decisions while the child is residing with us. Mine also requires us to inform the other party about any medical issues noted while the child was with us.

So, when my 10 year old got glasses this year, I informed stupidhead that she had been to an appointment, and that she required glasses. I also informed him that I'd already ordered and paid for the glasses and that she only needed them for reading.

A dental cleaning is routine and minor. A tooth extraction would not be. Glasses - routine and minor... laser surgery - not so much.

 

[Ohiogal]

But in real terms, what does it mean to "confer" about the most mundane medical matters? Do I need to discuss with him whether her teeth should be cleaned? Thank god, she's never had a cavity because that would be a crisis! In the same way, what is there to "confer" about in relation to mild nearsightedness? To not get her glasses would be neglect, I would think. How about when she gets a cold? Should I confer with him before I gave her tylenol? I can certainly understand that parents need to discuss things where there is a serious illness involved or some controversy about what form treatment should take, but we are talking about completely routine care in this case.

The larger question from my perspective is how to deal with an ex who makes everything related to our daughter a crisis that requires endless consultation. My child is healthy and happy, and I am busy, and frankly I don't want to deal with his need for drama and conflict. In this case, I gave him the name of her eye dr. and suggested he confer with him directly and let me know if there is anything other than glasses that should be considered.

You can confer about what type of glasses to get the child and how much the glasses can be. And what doctor the child should go to -- be it an optician or optometrist. And your definition of routine care -- not necessarily. It is a medical decision resulting in an appointment and a cost most likely to the other parent. Therefore if it is going to cost the other parent money per the court orders discussion is necessary.

 

[stealth2]

Really, I think one needs to use some common sense. Since the other parent usually has to contribute something towards the cost of seeing a doctor/dentist, it's only reasonable to keep them in the loop. In the case of the eye doctor appt, it's not unreasonable for NCP to expect the common courtesty of "Hey, kidlet has an appt with Dr ABC on X date at Y time to have her eyes checked. Let me know if you'd like to attend or if you have any questions you'd like me to ask. If you can't make it and want to talk to Dr ABC, here's his number. If she needs new glasses, let's talk about what would be reasonable!"

My ex & I share legal custody, with my making the day-to-day decisions. I make a point of letting him know ahead of time if I'm taking them to a routine appt and provide contact info for the provider. If they're sick, I generally take them and let him know after. If they're injured, I use my best judgement as to the severity and contact him based on that. A sprained ankle? Eh, I'll let him know after we see the doc. A break or more serious? He can't do anything immediately, but it seems right to let him know as soon as possible.

Common sense, people. Maybe Dad in this case is "overly dramatic" because he's not being kept in the loop.

 

[luckymom]

Really, I think one needs to use some common sense. Since the other parent usually has to contribute something towards the cost of seeing a doctor/dentist, it's only reasonable to keep them in the loop. In the case of the eye doctor appt, it's not unreasonable for NCP to expect the common courtesty of "Hey, kidlet has an appt with Dr ABC on X date at Y time to have her eyes checked. Let me know if you'd like to attend or if you have any questions you'd like me to ask. If you can't make it and want to talk to Dr ABC, here's his number. If she needs new glasses, let's talk about what would be reasonable!"

My ex & I share legal custody, with my making the day-to-day decisions. I make a point of letting him know ahead of time if I'm taking them to a routine appt and provide contact info for the provider. If they're sick, I generally take them and let him know after. If they're injured, I use my best judgement as to the severity and contact him based on that. A sprained ankle? Eh, I'll let him know after we see the doc. A break or more serious? He can't do anything immediately, but it seems right to let him know as soon as possible.

Common sense, people. Maybe Dad in this case is "overly dramatic" because he's not being kept in the loop.

Dad's complaints aren't about the cost of the glasses, nor about my choice of practitioner, but rather the nearsightedness itself. Hence, all the talk about "deteriorating eyesight." We went through the same thing last year and that is why I suggested that he take her to a a doctor he chose this year. She spends the whole summer with him, so it seems reasonable to me that he could take responsibility for this routine kind of check up, especially since it seems to be of special concern to him. However, as I noted above, he declined to do so. We live in different states so inviting him to come along is not an option.
For the record, he was equally hysterical when she got a persistent case of athlete's foot while on swim team.