Suggesting counseling ...

[ProSeDadinMD]

What is the name of your state? MD

...without repercussions to the child.

Ok, when I p/u Little Miss ProSe this past Wednesday, we had a looooooong talk, that she initiated, where she stated to me that she cries at least 1 time every time she does homework at ...her... house. This is because she gets "frustrated"(her word, not mine, which surprised me coming from her) because she gets "yelled" at a lot when she does her homework.

I explained to her that she can talk to me, or my gf(who she's known since she was 2 and has a great relationship with) about the frustration part, and that she shouldn't keep it bottled up inside(something I do and am trying to change).

My worry about that is that it will put me(or my gf) in a position of having to speak ill of ...her..., and I have 0 desire to do so to my daughter.

I have been considering counseling, in an effort to let her be able to get her feelings out(even though personally, I am not a fan of "counseling" if it can be avoided) with an impartial 3rd party. I know that if I take that route, I will have to inform ...her..., and I am worried about repercussions for LMPS from her mom for having talked about this with me in the first place.

Any thoughts on how to broach the subject with someone who is openly hostile with you?

 

[fairisfair]

isn't there a counselor at the school? perhaps you might address your concerns with that person and see if they can't open a dialogue with Little Miss Pro Se and Mom regarding her homework issues.

She might be more open to that.

Just an aside, I hate her more every time you post.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? MD

...without repercussions to the child.

Ok, when I p/u Little Miss ProSe this past Wednesday, we had a looooooong talk, that she initiated, where she stated to me that she cries at least 1 time every time she does homework at ...her... house. This is because she gets "frustrated"(her word, not mine, which surprised me coming from her) because she gets "yelled" at a lot when she does her homework.

I explained to her that she can talk to me, or my gf(who she's known since she was 2 and has a great relationship with) about the frustration part, and that she shouldn't keep it bottled up inside(something I do and am trying to change).

My worry about that is that it will put me(or my gf) in a position of having to speak ill of ...her..., and I have 0 desire to do so to my daughter.

I have been considering counseling, in an effort to let her be able to get her feelings out(even though personally, I am not a fan of "counseling" if it can be avoided) with an impartial 3rd party. I know that if I take that route, I will have to inform ...her..., and I am worried about repercussions for LMPS from her mom for having talked about this with me in the first place.

Any thoughts on how to broach the subject with someone who is openly hostile with you?

How often do you do homework with Little Miss ProSe? The reason why I ask is that my daughter and I often butted heads seriously where homework was concerned, but she ALWAYS was a perfect angel about it for her father. However, I also demanded a little more perfection than her father did...so that made a difference.

However, when my ex decided to try to teach her the piano, and she had no interest at all, he got just as frustrated with her about that, as I did about homework...LOL.

Also, she tended to "complain" to daddy anytime she got in trouble with mommy, but the reverse didn't apply because she almost never got in trouble with daddy...sigh.

My ex and I are and were good friends (its like having another brother) so we communicated well about things, and of course that helped.

While I am not particularly impressed with your ex, you do have to realize that kids do often "complain" to one parent about the other....particularly in areas of homework, discipline etc. I would advise you to ask very pointed questions when Little Miss ProSe brings up things like that. Things like: why did mommy get mad at you? were you working hard on your homework? were you REALLY working hard on your homework or were you playing around? What else was mommy doing while you were working on your homework? etc.... In other words, try to determine if there is really a problem or not....make the child admit if she was at fault at all, and then discuss that with her.

Weeknights are heck for working parents. Often they don't get home until 5:30 or 6:00 and then its homework, dinner, bath and bed by 8:00 or 8:30....and its truly hard to fit all of that in....a certain amount of impatience can be quite normal.

I know it sounds like I am defending a mom who doesn't perhaps deserve to be defended...but if you ever want the co-parenting relationship to improve, you have to acknowledge these kinds of possibilities.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

isn't there a counselor at the school? perhaps you might address your concerns with that person and see if they can't open a dialogue with Little Miss Pro Se and Mom regarding her homework issues.

She might be more open to that.

Just an aside, I hate her more every time you post.

Ok, but how do I explain that to a school counseler? "Well, you see, LMPS here is saying that Mommy yells at her when she does her homework, and I don't yell at her, and she gets frustrated and cries"? That sounds like I'm bashing, and like I said, I am doing my best not to do that.

 

[CJane]

I know it sounds like I am defending a mom who doesn't perhaps deserve to be defended...but if you ever want the co-parenting relationship to improve, you have to acknowledge these kinds of possibilities.

I agree... mostly.

I also strongly dislike your ex. However, I also know that my 3 strange angels are COMPLETELY different kids when they're with people besides me than they are with me.

A typical night at the Calamity House is getting home at 545, Wild practices her saxophone for 20 minutes while Unruly checks the mail/takes out the garbage. Then they both sit at the kitchen table to do homework while I fix dinner. Homework for Wild usually consists of ... 1) Claiming not to have a pencil... so she has to get one out of the arts n crafts closet. 2) Breaking the pencil lead ... so she has to get up and sharpen the pencil. 3) Realizing she left her book/notebook/backpack/whatever in the car and she NEEDS it 4) Asking about 47 times if she can PLEASE go ride her bike NOW because she promises on her life that she'll finish her homework before bed. 5) Breaking the pencil lead again 6) Asking if she can call her BFF to let her know I'm too mean to let her ride her bike. 7) Breaking the pencil...

Wild, on the other hand, finishes her homework, brings it to me to check it and takes off with the dog to parts unknown til dinner.

**Edited to clarify the 'mostly'**

The 'mostly' was because Ldi's reason of the child rarely getting in trouble at Dad's house is sometimes true, I think it's also likely that the kids just act different at the different houses. Ex is WAY more strict than I ever will be. There is no option of not behaving at his house. None.

 

[CJane]

Ok, but how do I explain that to a school counseler? "Well, you see, LMPS here is saying that Mommy yells at her when she does her homework, and I don't yell at her, and she gets frustrated and cries"? That sounds like I'm bashing, and like I said, I am doing my best not to do that.

No. You say "Could you please take LMPS aside and help her learn consistent study habits? I'm not certain whether it's an organizational issue or a time management issue, but there seems to be a lot of conflict during homework time, and I'd like to alleviate some of it so she enjoys learning again.

Fact is, she spends more time w/mom than you. If there's gonna be conflict, it stands to reason it'll be on Mom's time... it's not necessarily something MOM is doing.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

How often do you do homework with Little Miss ProSe? The reason why I ask is that my daughter and I often butted heads seriously where homework was concerned, but she ALWAYS was a perfect angel about it for her father. However, I also demanded a little more perfection than her father did...so that made a difference.

However, when my ex decided to try to teach her the piano, and she had no interest at all, he got just as frustrated with her about that, as I did about homework...LOL.

Also, she tended to "complain" to daddy anytime she got in trouble with mommy, but the reverse didn't apply because she almost never got in trouble with daddy...sigh.

My ex and I are and were good friends (its like having another brother) so we communicated well about things, and of course that helped.

While I am not particularly impressed with your ex, you do have to realize that kids do often "complain" to one parent about the other....particularly in areas of homework, discipline etc. I would advise you to ask very pointed questions when Little Miss ProSe brings up things like that. Things like: why did mommy get mad at you? were you working hard on your homework? were you REALLY working hard on your homework or were you playing around? What else was mommy doing while you were working on your homework? etc.... In other words, try to determine if there is really a problem or not....make the child admit if she was at fault at all, and then discuss that with her.

Weeknights are heck for working parents. Often they don't get home until 5:30 or 6:00 and then its homework, dinner, bath and bed by 8:00 or 8:30....and its truly hard to fit all of that in....a certain amount of impatience can be quite normal.

I know it sounds like I am defending a mom who doesn't perhaps deserve to be defended...but if you ever want the co-parenting relationship to improve, you have to acknowledge these kinds of possibilities.

LdiJ, I appreciate the "devils advocate" approach.

I do homework with her every Wednesday, although not Fridays because it's rarely given over the weekend. I also don't get home with her untill 6pm, and I cook dinner, etc, etc. The reasons she's given all seem legit to me, considering ...her... personality.

 

[BL]

Have the teachers sent home notes about homework issues ?

Discuss it with the teacher(s) first .

That's what parent/teacher conferences are for .

Does mom sit down w/ the child at time of frustrations , or let the child know if you need some help let me know ?

I use to help my GF's son when he was young and in Special classes .

He was doing good for awhile then work got to be too much for him . Perhaps work mom don't even know LOL .

 

[LdiJ]

I agree... mostly.

I also strongly dislike your ex. However, I also know that my 3 strange angels are COMPLETELY different kids when they're with people besides me than they are with me.

A typical night at the Calamity House is getting home at 545, Wild practices her saxophone for 20 minutes while Unruly checks the mail/takes out the garbage. Then they both sit at the kitchen table to do homework while I fix dinner. Homework for Wild usually consists of ... 1) Claiming not to have a pencil... so she has to get one out of the arts n crafts closet. 2) Breaking the pencil lead ... so she has to get up and sharpen the pencil. 3) Realizing she left her book/notebook/backpack/whatever in the car and she NEEDS it 4) Asking about 47 times if she can PLEASE go ride her bike NOW because she promises on her life that she'll finish her homework before bed. 5) Breaking the pencil lead again 6) Asking if she can call her BFF to let her know I'm too mean to let her ride her bike. 7) Breaking the pencil...

Wild, on the other hand, finishes her homework, brings it to me to check it and takes off with the dog to parts unknown til dinner.

You shouldn't strongly dislike my ex...LOL...I don't. He really has tried to be a good father and has always been a good friend to me....the first 6 months after we split was rough, but from that point on its been good.

Its also completely and 100% true that kids are different when they are with the person that they consider to be their primary parent, and others. My daughter admitted to me that she gave me a harder time than she gave her father, because she was more secure with me.

I know that I was more difficult with my parents....LOL...I actually was an incredibly good kid in hindsight, but I know that I didn't cooperate with my parents (intact) as much as I did with the parents of friends, school teachers and my extended family. (except my paternal grandmother).

I might have been a really difficult child if my parents had divorced. I had very strong opinions of things, very early.

 

[CJane]

You shouldn't strongly dislike my ex...LOL...I don't.

I meant PSDiM's ex.

I know that I was more difficult with my parents....LOL...I actually was an incredibly good kid in hindsight, but I know that I didn't cooperate with my parents (intact) as much as I did with the parents of friends, school teachers and my extended family. (except my paternal grandmother).

I might have been a really difficult child if my parents had divorced. I had very strong opinions of things, very early.

I was the worst, most hateful, most hormonal teenager ever. Seriously.

When I was 17, I moved out. At 18, I came home from college w/a shaved head, pierced nose, and a rather large tattoo on my leg.

Totally took the rebellious wind out of my sails when my mom didn't even bat an eye.

 

[Ohiogal]

LdiJ, I appreciate the "devils advocate" approach.

I do homework with her every Wednesday, although not Fridays because it's rarely given over the weekend. I also don't get home with her untill 6pm, and I cook dinner, etc, etc. The reasons she's given all seem legit to me, considering ...her... personality.

Or the reasons seem legit to you considering ... your bias towards your ex. Come on. EVERYTHING with your child that is wrong seems to be placed SOLELY on your ex's shoulders. You need to cut out the and realize that maybe your ex is not to blame for everything. And realize that LMPS is not an angel and is probably damn good at manipulation and pitting mom against dad since you two can't have more than two civil words with each other> And before you state that LMPS is not aware of how you feel about the ex .. everytime you mention her on here it is accompanied by an and THAT much sarcasm is communicated in some way shape or form to your daughter.

 

[Ohiogal]

I meant PSDiM's ex.



I was the worst, most hateful, most hormonal teenager ever. Seriously.

When I was 17, I moved out. At 18, I came home from college w/a shaved head, pierced nose, and a rather large tattoo on my leg.

Totally took the rebellious wind out of my sails when my mom didn't even bat an eye.

That is great! Rebellion doesn't work unless someone notices and reacts -- normally negatively -- to it.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

CJane, I hate to admit it, but mine is, or at the very leaast tries to be, just like Wild. I've taken to having everything ready for her when it's homework time.

ohiogal, I have never claimed to be the "perfect" dad, all I try to do is the best that I can. I do everything I can to not let the animosity between ...her... and I bleed through, mostly by not talking about her unless LMPS brings it up.

As for the study habits, interim reports just came out and she's doing fine except for some lack of focus, and LMPS herself told me that some of the math is giving her problems.

Oh yeah og, you can blame CJane for the , because she said "Mommy" was "creepy"

 

[CJane]

CJane, I hate to admit it, but mine is, or at the very leaast tries to be, just like Wild. I've taken to having everything ready for her when it's homework time.

So OF COURSE she gets yelled at. Tell her to pull her head out. Really. She's old enough to understand that her behavior leads to the getting yelled at - and that if she REALLY hated getting yelled at so awfully much, she'd stop engaging in that behavior, yes?

Oh yeah og, you can blame CJane for the , because she said "Mommy" was "creepy"

It's true. Because it IS creepy. Makes me shudder.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

So OF COURSE she gets yelled at. Tell her to pull her head out. Really. She's old enough to understand that her behavior leads to the getting yelled at - and that if she REALLY hated getting yelled at so awfully much, she'd stop engaging in that behavior, yes?

Well, the yelling, from my understanding, stems from first being told to be neat, then when LMPS is taking her time to be neat, getting yelled at to hurry up. LMPS doesn't fel that she can say anything to her mom. Also(again, from my understandig), ...she... doesn't give much help. I know, based on examiing LMPS,s backpack and school folder, that ...she... does't pay much attention to what goes in or out of it.