Suggesting counseling ...

[Ohiogal]

Well, the yelling, from my understanding, stems from first being told to be neat, then when LMPS is taking her time to be neat, getting yelled at to hurry up. LMPS doesn't fel that she can say anything to her mom. Also(again, from my understandig), ...she... doesn't give much help. I know, based on examiing LMPS,s backpack and school folder, that ...she... does't pay much attention to what goes in or out of it.

That is based on your examination. Maybe it is actually LMPS' putting everything in and out of her backpack and folders. YOU and your ex really have to learn to communicate. And you definitely have to do yourself a favor and quit believing the WORST of your ex. Seriously. And ... she ... is annoying (as in you constantly USING THAT) ... mommy was also creepy. Why can't you just say your ex?

 

[BL]

As for the study habits, interim reports just came out and she's doing fine except for some lack of focus, and LMPS herself told me that some of the math is giving her problems.

Sounds typical to me .

As far as the yelling !!

A suggestion is to have a talk with LMSP about the facts of life , that is , it's not what happens but how you handle the problem .

I doubt LMSP gets yelled at as much as one of my nieces used to when mom & dad spit up . All it took was Dad , mom said .

 

[escape2paradise]

I haven't read all of your threads so I don't know if LMPS has other issues. This issue in and of itself doesn't seem to warrant counseling. If your daughter is having problems with mom why don't you teach her some constructive ways of avoiding those problems and then how to deal with those that can't be avoided.

My X has tried to say that I abuse my daughter because I have yelled at her. Well, yeah, I have had to yell at her, not much thankfully she is a pretty good kid. I am the one who has disciplined her, her whole life. X gets to be Mr. Good time and I get to be Mrs. do your chores, do your homework and behave yourself. X doesn't have to do anything but look at DD to get her to jump to please. It is much different with me. I believe like LDij stated it is because I am the one she feels secure with etc....

You can do like my X and try to blow every little complaint out of proportion or you can be constructive and be there for your daughter the way you should. Making a federal case out of minor issues is going to work against you in one of two ways. One it may make your daughter feel like she can't tell you things. Do you want her to feel comfortable talking to you, or do you want her to avoid saying any possible thing that could create a conflict? Two, she is likely to focus on telling you any little negative thing she can think of if it gets her enough attention and a reaction from you.

You say that you don't bring mom up unless LMPS does, don't think LMPS doesn't notice that. She knows you aren't comfortable bringing mom up because you can't stand her. Not good and again encourages her not to talk about any of the good stuff with mom.

Every kid, teenagers especially, have complaints about their parents. Accept it for what it is and think about how your react or don't react and how that encourages or discourages your daughter.

 

[CJane]

Well, the yelling, from my understanding, stems from first being told to be neat, then when LMPS is taking her time to be neat, getting yelled at to hurry up. LMPS doesn't fel that she can say anything to her mom. Also(again, from my understandig), ...she... doesn't give much help. I know, based on examiing LMPS,s backpack and school folder, that ...she... does't pay much attention to what goes in or out of it.

Ok.

Think about this for just a minute. Seriously.

She tends towards disorganized, has poor time management and tries every distraction possible to get out of doing homework - like Wild does.

AND she isn't doing neat work when she IS doing it. So mom tells her to neaten up (my kids actually get grades for penmanship - I didn't know schools still did that) and that slows her down EVEN MORE because now she has an excuse to take forever. And so mom tells her to hurry the he** up and get the homework DONE already...

That's not something LMPS needs counseling for. It's something she needs to be told is HER FAULT. She is NOT - according to you - managing her time well. She's already trying pretty hard to get out of doing homework to begin with, and then she takes forever with the 'excuse' of needing it to be neat?

Mom maybe isn't being fair. But LMPS is playing you. She KNOWS you're going to be sympathetic to her plight... so she's going to make sure there IS a plight for you to be sympathetic about.

If there's even the smallest chance that I'm right and she IS manipulating the situation to her advantage... nip it in the bud NOW. It took 1X of playing that game for my girls to learn it wasn't going to change their lives for the better.

 

[fairisfair]

Ok, but how do I explain that to a school counseler? "Well, you see, LMPS here is saying that Mommy yells at her when she does her homework, and I don't yell at her, and she gets frustrated and cries"? That sounds like I'm bashing, and like I said, I am doing my best not to do that.

Nope, you just say Little Miss Pro Se seems to be having some issues that I think she might feel more comfortable talking to a third party about. Done deal.

School counselors also seem to be alot less threatening for children as well, I suppose because they are someone that the child sees at school regularly and that other children go to talk to, and nothing bad happens to them. . . .

My daughter decided she wanted to go to the school counselor in about the 4th grade, she thought the lady was nice, and it got her out of her English class. Of course, she then proceeded to tell the school that we didn't have any food in the house. Which meant no ice cream of course, as anyone with half a brain would know. LOL

Regardless of what anyone else says, I am a firm believer in the following litmus test, kid crying = needs action. I never let my kids cry themselves to sleep as babies and I sure as hell wouldn't let my 9 year old cry herself to sleep over homework issues. Ah, but that's just me.

 

[stealth2]

And ... she ... is annoying (as in you constantly USING THAT) ... mommy was also creepy. Why can't you just say your ex?

I asked this ages ago. PSD snarked on it. Of course the kid knows how he feels about her Mom. She's not stupid. Hopefully PSD will figure that out before he ends up with the (non)relationship my eldest has with his Dad. I wouldn't count on it, though.

 

[Ohiogal]

I asked this ages ago. PSD snarked on it. Of course the kid knows how he feels about her Mom. She's not stupid. Hopefully PSD will figure that out before he ends up with the (non)relationship my eldest has with his Dad. I wouldn't count on it, though.

I agree. When anyone uses such disdain (such as "cute" nicknames for their ex) for their ex it carries over. And I am not singling out OP.

 

[LdiJ]

Well, the yelling, from my understanding, stems from first being told to be neat, then when LMPS is taking her time to be neat, getting yelled at to hurry up. LMPS doesn't fel that she can say anything to her mom. Also(again, from my understandig), ...she... doesn't give much help. I know, based on examiing LMPS,s backpack and school folder, that ...she... does't pay much attention to what goes in or out of it.

I am going to tell you with all honesty and sincerity that you are being "played" by your child. What she is telling you is absolutely "classic".

 

[stealth2]

I agree. When anyone uses such disdain (such as "cute" nicknames for their ex) for their ex it carries over. And I am not singling out OP.

I think it's pretty "normal" to have trouble finding that place of acceptance and be able to work at getting along, especially when the split is relatively fresh. I know that it took me quite a while. It's even harder when one of the two of you isn't interested in getting along - it makes you feel "well hell - if S/HE's going to do it.... " But eventually, we all have to choose whether we're going to grow up and be adults or carry on playing childish games - at the expense of our children.

I've had a devil of a time with my ex. But I realized that *my* actions/reactions reflect only upon myself, as his do on him. So I decided that it was more important to me to (a) raise emotionally healthy kids and (b) to have them see their mom as someone to look up to than it was to "get" one up on their Dad.

It's freeing in many ways. I'm as human as the next person, and yes, there are still things about the dude that drive me insane. But as the kids have heard me talk about their Dad in positive ways (after all, I saw something in him when we married and made the two of them!), I feel like I get a bit more slack when he drives me nuts. They understand that the moment of frustration is no different than when I drive them nuts about something, or they drive each other nuts. It's momentary, and it's human.

At the end of the day, these kids are part the other parent. They deserve to know that, while "we" may not have worked out, I acknowledge their part of him and I don't hate it.

Hopefully, PSD and others can reach that place, too.

 

[wileybunch]

Did you say somewhere how old LMPS is? How/where does her homework factor into her grade? Does it go into her subject's letter grade? Or into a "social" grade (the ones that are E, S, NI)? But, in terms of counseling, sure, if you have an established counselor you could talk to, it might not be a bad idea. She could be a kid that tends to be nervous w/anxiety and anxiety tends to grow over time unless something changes. But, maybe you don't already have an established relationship w/a counselor and so the hurdle of getting one on this issue may be awkward for LMPS. And, if she's showing signs of anxiety, it's very possible she's picking up on that from a parent. Do you or her mother tend to have anxiety or obsess about things?

 

[CJane]

I agree. When anyone uses such disdain (such as "cute" nicknames for their ex) for their ex it carries over. And I am not singling out OP.

I'm sorry. But I'm not changing asshat's and stupidhead's names.

 

[profmum]

It's freeing in many ways. I'm as human as the next person, and yes, there are still things about the dude that drive me insane. But as the kids have heard me talk about their Dad in positive ways (after all, I saw something in him when we married and made the two of them!), I feel like I get a bit more slack when he drives me nuts. They understand that the moment of frustration is no different than when I drive them nuts about something, or they drive each other nuts. It's momentary, and it's human.

At the end of the day, these kids are part the other parent. They deserve to know that, while "we" may not have worked out, I acknowledge their part of him and I don't hate it.

Hopefully, PSD and others can reach that place, too.[/QUOTE]


Very well said, I am at this point myself of acknowledging the positve in the x and remembering to focus on that when he continues to frustrate.. the key as you say is it takes time, but as parents we need to work as hard we can to get to this "place"..

 

[Ohiogal]

I think it's pretty "normal" to have trouble finding that place of acceptance and be able to work at getting along, especially when the split is relatively fresh. I know that it took me quite a while. It's even harder when one of the two of you isn't interested in getting along - it makes you feel "well hell - if S/HE's going to do it.... " But eventually, we all have to choose whether we're going to grow up and be adults or carry on playing childish games - at the expense of our children.

I've had a devil of a time with my ex. But I realized that *my* actions/reactions reflect only upon myself, as his do on him. So I decided that it was more important to me to (a) raise emotionally healthy kids and (b) to have them see their mom as someone to look up to than it was to "get" one up on their Dad.

It's freeing in many ways. I'm as human as the next person, and yes, there are still things about the dude that drive me insane. But as the kids have heard me talk about their Dad in positive ways (after all, I saw something in him when we married and made the two of them!), I feel like I get a bit more slack when he drives me nuts. They understand that the moment of frustration is no different than when I drive them nuts about something, or they drive each other nuts. It's momentary, and it's human.

At the end of the day, these kids are part the other parent. They deserve to know that, while "we" may not have worked out, I acknowledge their part of him and I don't hate it.

Hopefully, PSD and others can reach that place, too.

THANK YOU! Which is what I have been trying to tell another poster on their thread on here but they don't think it holds any merit.

 

[Ohiogal]

I'm sorry. But I'm not changing asshat's and stupidhead's names.

I know you aren't. But I still cringe. But considering stupidhead has a restraining order against you and you against stepmom or something like that, I think your kids KNOW where you stand in each other's eyes. JUST MINIMIZE IT IN FRONT OF THEM. Okay hon? You and I have talked. I think you know what I think of you.

 

[CJane]

I know you aren't. But I still cringe. But considering stupidhead has a restraining order against you and you against stepmom or something like that, I think your kids KNOW where you stand in each other's eyes. JUST MINIMIZE IT IN FRONT OF THEM. Okay hon? You and I have talked. I think you know what I think of you.

Yes, unfortunately, the kids are well aware of the ... tension... in the relationships. The restraining orders are both against me. They get to hear ALL THE TIME that I'm unfit or violent.

In fact, last night, Wild told me that her and her dad were arguing on Sat and he said something about her being just like me... and she said "So call family services and tell them I'm a terrible person."

Now... I didn't tell her that he called DSS... wonder who did?

/hijack