Out of State Custody?

[Youngmom]

What is the name of your state? Virginia

Ok I have read the previous postings but I cant find one that really relates to my exact situation.

I have a 3 year old daughter and her biological father has not been in her life much at all. He was not there when she was born and is not on the birth certificate. I have always tried to work with him so he can be apart of her life however he has not done anything proactive to really do so. About a year ago I moved to Virginia from CA with my fiance. I told my daughter's father (not a fan of that word in describing him) and let him know that if he had his name put on the birth certificate he could try to prevent me from moving. Well he didnt do anything again and as soon as he knew I moved he called and complained that I had taken his daguhter away from him even though he had not seen her in the last 6 months before we moved. I told him that we could work something out that all I would need was $500 a month (not that much when you dont have a kid, live at home and dont have a car!) and then the month that he wants to come visit that he didnt have to pay that month so he could buy a ticket out here. I thought that was very generous and I was trying everything to make something work.

I have not heard back in almost a year. My daughter now looks to my fiance as her father. We are getting married in June and we were looking at him adopting her soon after, if possible. Now all of the sudden he wants to take me to court to, in his words, "take back what is rightfully his that was taken away."

I know he, I guess, has the right to take me to court but do I have to go out to CA and disrupt my family, take my child out of daycare, miss work, use my own money to go out there for court if he decides to go there? My daughter does not know who he is and has not done anything to help us! I dont want to fight with him and I know it is his right to be in her life, I guess I just want to know my rights.

Any help?

 

[Zephyr]

I know he, I guess, has the right to take me to court but do I have to go out to CA and disrupt my family, take my child out of daycare, miss work, use my own money to go out there for court if he decides to go there?

yes- unless you want dad to end up with a default judgement. you could ask to appear telephonically but that is totally up to the judge- and with something as important as this- it's better to be there in person

My daughter does not know who he is and has not done anything to help us! I dont want to fight with him and I know it is his right to be in her life, I guess I just want to know my rights.

you daughter does not know him because of his actions and your actions- what do you want to know regarding your rights?

 

[Youngmom]

you daughter does not know him because of his actions and your actions

First off please tell me why my actions prevented her to get to know him? Like I said I tried everything. Yes I moved out of the state but we are with family out here. Other than him there was nothing else in CA. Also we moved to a better place for her to grow up. So please, if there is anything wrong with what I did, tell me!

What do I do if I do not have the money to fly out to CA for court? What if I could loose my job if I missed so much work because I had to go out to CA? I just think the system is pretty messed up if I have to pretty much stop what I am doing for someone who hasn't tried to be in his daguther's life in the past.

As for my rights I just want to know what I should do. What he could possibly get as far as custody goes. How that would work since he is in CA and she is in VA? And so on...

 

[Zephyr]

First off please tell me why my actions prevented her to get to know him?

the move prevented them getting to know each other, regardless of his previous disinterest

What do I do if I do not have the money to fly out to CA for court?

start saving now, you have to show up for court or you could lose the case totally

What if I could loose my job if I missed so much work because I had to go out to CA?

so much work? it's not like you would be in court every week

I just think the system is pretty messed up if I have to pretty much stop what I am doing for someone who hasn't tried to be in his daguther's life in the past.

the law is the law

As for my rights I just want to know what I should do. What he could possibly get as far as custody goes. How that would work since he is in CA and she is in VA? And so on...

maybe you should file in VA (which is where the case should probably be heard anyway) for joint legal custody, a parenting time plan for dad and child support

 

[waitinMd]

I told my daughter's father (not a fan of that word in describing him) and let him know that if he had his name put on the birth certificate he could try to prevent me from moving. Well he didnt do anything again and as soon as he knew I moved he called and complained that I had taken his daguhter away from him even though he had not seen her in the last 6 months before we moved.

It doesn't sound like he moves too quick! He has to establish paternity first. He would have to file a motion, then you and the child would get DNA tested.

Did you actually get served court papers?

 

[Youngmom]

waitinMd: That is a good point. I know I am probably stressing over nothing. This is just what he wrote in an email. I just want to make sure I know the basics before anything happens, if at all.

Zephyr: to your start saving now... I make just enough money to pay everything with not much left over at all. I am also paying for a wedding (low budget mind you) and really have no way of saving much else at all. I do thank you for your advice though.

 

[stealth2]

Here's the thing.... in order for your (then) husband to adopt the child, paternity will need to be established, and then rights terminated. If Dad shows ANY interest in developing a relationship with his child, your petition to terminate his rights will not likely be granted.

Personally, I would nip the entire "my daughter thinks of my fiance as her Daddy" thing in the bud. NOW.

 

[waitinMd]

you should investigate Z's advice about filing in VA. It may give you an advantage.

The court favors the parent who will encourage a relationship with the other parent.

 

[Ohiogal]

Has paternity even been established? If not and he files in court of CA and you have been in VA for more than six months, CA no longer has jurisdiction and you could dispute jurisdiction, asking that the case be dismissed. That would take just a bit of time by a CA attorney.

now on to the rest of your post since you want to know where you went wrong:

I have a 3 year old daughter and her biological father has not been in her life much at all. He was not there when she was born and is not on the birth certificate

Did you establish paternity? If not then he is NOT her father legally and has no obligations or rights to her until that is established. You should have filed to establish paternity immediately.

I have always tried to work with him so he can be apart of her life however he has not done anything proactive to really do so.

And what have you done?

About a year ago I moved to Virginia from CA with my fiance.

So you moved cross country.

I told my daughter's father (not a fan of that word in describing him)

Get used to it because you CHOSE HIM. You should have filed to establish paternity immediately.

and let him know that if he had his name put on the birth certificate he could try to prevent me from moving.

Which is why you didn't move to establish paternity. You also should not be giving your ex legal advice.

Well he didnt do anything again and as soon as he knew I moved he called and complained that I had taken his daguhter away from him even though he had not seen her in the last 6 months before we moved.

If this is his daughter, you have complicated things.

I told him that we could work something out that all I would need was $500 a month (not that much when you dont have a kid, live at home and dont have a car!)

NOT THAT MUCH? You are basically extorting him. Did you run the child support calculator? How much did it say he would have to pay in child support? Most likely NOT $500 a month. If he doesn't have a car and lives at home, does he even have a job. You can make the rules now but quite frankly you don't get to charge admission to see the child.

and then the month that he wants to come visit that he didnt have to pay that month so he could buy a ticket out here. I thought that was very generous and I was trying everything to make something work.

No you weren't. Unless he is legally daddy he doesn't have to pay anything. YOU should have gone through the proper legal channels to get child support established.

I have not heard back in almost a year. My daughter now looks to my fiance as her father.

really? Does she know who her father is? Have you attempted to have her call her father? Have you talked in glowing terms about him? Have you had your daughter send cards?

We are getting married in June and we were looking at him adopting her soon after, if possible.

Most likely that won't happen.

Now all of the sudden he wants to take me to court to, in his words, "take back what is rightfully his that was taken away."

Which he can do. His rights don't disappear because you want to replace him.

I know he, I guess, has the right to take me to court but do I have to go out to CA and disrupt my family, take my child out of daycare, miss work, use my own money to go out there for court if he decides to go there? My daughter does not know who he is and has not done anything to help us! I dont want to fight with him and I know it is his right to be in her life, I guess I just want to know my rights.

You have the right to take him to court to establish paternity and child support and request full custody with him (daddy) getting visitation. You have the right then to follow the court order. You have the right to be a parent to your child and you have a right to realize that your child is not a toy or a belonging or a possession and that you chose this man to be her father.

Any help?

Just gave you help. Let's see if you recognize it as such.

 

[Silverplum]

Here's the thing.... in order for your (then) husband to adopt the child, paternity will need to be established, and then rights terminated. If Dad shows ANY interest in developing a relationship with his child, your petition to terminate his rights will not likely be granted.

Personally, I would nip the entire "my daughter thinks of my fiance as her Daddy" thing in the bud. NOW.

Seconded.

In other words, Stealth is not just typing to see her words on the screen. She's right.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

About a year ago I moved to Virginia from CA with my fiance. I

From the looks of it, you would have established residency in Virginia. If he hasn't filed anything, I suggest highly filing for paternity and child support in Virginia like ASAP. If he is interesting in a relationship now, let him file for parenting plan.

 

[Youngmom]

First of all Ohiogal: You do not have to be rude. Thanks for your advice.

Here's the thing.... in order for your (then) husband to adopt the child, paternity will need to be established, and then rights terminated. If Dad shows ANY interest in developing a relationship with his child, your petition to terminate his rights will not likely be granted.

Personally, I would nip the entire "my daughter thinks of my fiance as her Daddy" thing in the bud. NOW.

Well in 3 months he will be her step dad and he has been providing for her for the last 2 years...I dont know about you but in my book that is her dad and she has every right to call him that! We called and called and he didnt seem to show interest so ya I gave up. I really have more important things to do. Also please mind you that like someone else previously said. He is not on the birth certificate and is not legally the father. He has no rights to her and if he doesnt go file for paternity I dont have to do anything.

Also I am familiar with how step parent adoption works and again it was just a thought I know it is probably a slim chance that anything will happen soon.

Thanks again.

 

[Silverplum]

Well in 3 months he will be her step dad and he has been providing for her for the last 2 years...I dont know about you but in my book that is her dad and she has every right to call him that! We called and called and he didnt seem to show interest so ya I gave up. I really have more important things to do. Also please mind you that like someone else previously said. He is not on the birth certificate and is not legally the father. He has no rights to her and if he doesnt go file for paternity I dont have to do anything.

Also I am familiar with how step parent adoption works and again it was just a thought I know it is probably a slim chance that anything will happen soon.

Thanks again.

Well, if you have more important things to do, I guess we do, also.

Good day.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

It will be more costly for you if he does file in California. You'll most likely have to hire an attorney to be able to change everything to Virginia. And as for a step-parent adoption, that is not a DIY project. What you will find is what has been said, you have to establish paternity in order to terminate it.

 

[stealth2]

Also please mind you that like someone else previously said. He is not on the birth certificate and is not legally the father. He has no rights to her and if he doesnt go file for paternity I dont have to do anything.

Neither is or does your boyfriend. And for him to adopt after marriage you WILL have to establish paternity. And then he WILL have rights. So go right ahead and mess with your kid's head. Great parenting, chicklette. Then wait for the judge to let you have it.