third party interference, visitation

[Bloopy]

You are worried about third party interference?

In a civil manner, she tried to arrangements to connect HER children with a half-sibling. It's her right to try to do what's best for her children but not all parents feel this way.

You may simply encourage her to light a fire under Dad's arse. THAT'S when your third-party interference begins.

Do whatever you want.

 

[CourtClerk]

You are worried about third party interference?

In a civil manner, she tried to arrangements to connect HER children with a half-sibling. It's her right to try to do what's best for her children but not all parents feel this way.

You may simply encourage her to light a fire under Dad's arse. THAT'S when your third-party interference begins.

Do whatever you want.

There is absolutely no third party interference, we have 1 person attempting to act like an adult and the other one wanting to be a right fighter. The kids never win in that situation, however, the OP doesn't care... so long as she's right.

Personally, I think that email was extremely civil given the situation, however, given the tone and the responses by the OP, I seem to think that dad is not the only problem in this situation. Poor kids.

 

[Humusluvr]

I read the thread so far, and here's my suggestions.

Mother of child,


I have stayed out of this for the past 5 years and have kept my mouth shut regarding the issues between you and JC long enough.

I am not writing this to bicker with you at all because I have 3 little girls who would love to meet their sister. I don't understand how you can accept father's mom and sister as their family yet would reject my little girls the opportunity to know Jacy when father's mom and sister are their grandma and aunt as much as they are DD. Our children have the right to know each other and as much as this is probably going to upset you, I am the one who paid off the child support to give him this opportunity to know his daughter.

He has become a good man and doesn't do stupid **** anymore. He has worked hard to become the person he is and not too long ago was very ill regarding health issues. You try to blame him for everything on the reasons that he hasn't been there for DD and you constantly point your finger, but you didn't let him have the right to see her. You always have made yourself look like the good guy because you were upset that you two didn't end up together.

He doesn't want to fight with you. He just wants to have the opportunity to know his daughter. It has hurt him this long to know that you have kept in touch with his mother and sister, but refused to allow him to speak with her. Your child support payment of $4,781.00 is at the Delaware County Clerk's office. They informed him that they can hold it for up to 6 months. I could be a jerk and file a injury spouse claim and him not have to pay for any of it because he isn't working at the moment "due to health reasons", but I am not because I think you and DD deserve that money. No one realized that it was that much, but I have been in your shoes more than once to take care of my children on my own and it is very hard. I hope that the money helps you all get what you need and I hope it makes DD very happy.

She is very beautiful and my mom even said that her and Bubby have alot of features in common. They got along when they were very small and Leedia would like very much to see her again. We haven't lied to our children at all about her. All three of my children know that she is out there.

In the end , if you chose, and I hope you don't- to keep them apart, they will only go looking for her when she is 18. All of the kids have a right to know each other and DD has a right to know her father and his family. If you are accepting aunt and grandma as DD's family- then you have to accept the rest of them is all I am saying.

Good luck and wish DD our love.

Dear Other Lady,

Thank you for the warm wishes. I wish your children the best also.

I would love to facilitate a meeting between DD and her sisters. Unfortunately money is tight right now, so I am not in a position to travel with DD down to meet your girls. I am hoping DD will be able to travel with grandma, so we will see.

If you have any suggestions on how to arrange this meeting, please let me know.

Mom.

 

[penelope10]

In this step's own rough way she is trying to be a peace maker. She wants the kids to have relationship.

You really need to get over yourself. It's not her fault your ex acted like a butt head. And she's trying to facilitate things so Dad and the new kiddos can get to know one another.

I'd respond back and not be hostile. Just tell her you need some time to digest all of this. Period . And then think about things...

 

[CourtClerk]

I read the thread so far, and here's my suggestions.



Dear Other Lady,

Thank you for the warm wishes. I wish your children the best also.

I would love to facilitate a meeting between DD and her sisters. Unfortunately money is tight right now, so I am not in a position to travel with DD down to meet your girls. I am hoping DD will be able to travel with grandma, so we will see.

If you have any suggestions on how to arrange this meeting, please let me know.

Mom.

I personally think that's great. Unfortunately, OP would rather have new wife not contact her at all.

I'm thinking... if new wife just paid some 4K in back support for dad, then within the next 6 months (by new wife's word), the OP will have 4K to plan a vacation to Disney World, which would include a visit to her sisters and father. How AWESOME would that be? Shoot, if planned far enough in advance, maybe new wife and daughters could even save enough to buy tickets for the girls to spend the day together at Disney.

Naw... that's too much like right.

 

[Humusluvr]

I personally think that's great. Unfortunately, OP would rather have new wife not contact her at all.

I'm thinking... if new wife just paid some 4K in back support for dad, then within the next 6 months (by new wife's word), the OP will have 4K to plan a vacation to Disney World, which would include a visit to her sisters and father. How AWESOME would that be? Shoot, if planned far enough in advance, maybe new wife and daughters could even save enough to buy tickets for the girls to spend the day together at Disney.

Naw... that's too much like right.

Well, OP asked for advice on writing a letter, so I (and you) gave her a letter a sane, responsible, good mother/role model would write.

I think she has such a great opportunity here. Even if she can't make the visit happen, the other mom reached out and wanted to make things right. The least OP could do is forward some cute school pics or a nice little letter from DD to sisters. SHE ISN"T GOING TO HURT ANYONE BY BEING NICE!!!!!

 

[penelope10]

I personally think that's great. Unfortunately, OP would rather have new wife not contact her at all.

I'm thinking... if new wife just paid some 4K in back support for dad, then within the next 6 months (by new wife's word), the OP will have 4K to plan a vacation to Disney World, which would include a visit to her sisters and father. How AWESOME would that be? Shoot, if planned far enough in advance, maybe new wife and daughters could even save enough to buy tickets for the girls to spend the day together at Disney.

Naw... that's too much like right.

I really like the letter too...Don't think OP will type it because right now she's too busy being mad. (And I'm not saying she may not have a right to be upset with the Dad) She needs to have a chance to cool down (IMO) and then sit down and reread the letter from the step in a few days. Kind of digest things before responding at all.

I would hope that after she gets over her p.o. and sees that this really was nice of this woman to contact her. And she did not have to pay the back support. Get over what she considers a jab in the letter regarding the arrears.

Sounds like this lady has stayed out of this for five years. She's now stepping in to try to make things better. For the kiddos sake. And isn't this what it's supposed to be about---the best interests of the child. Wouldn't it benefit your child to know the half siblings?

 

[MUNCIEMOMUV2]

OK for everyones clarification here......I have not known how to contact dad or his wife to facilitate a relationship. I did try back when he was still here and he never followed through. I have NEVER said the kids shouldnt know each other and if you actually go back and READ you will see where I said that I now know all of them are down in Florida where grandma and aunt are and that I asked grandma if she could come and get DD and take her back down there for a few weeks KNOWING FULL WELL THAT THE OTHERS ARE DOWN THERE ALSO and that my DD would be able to get to know all of them. I have no problem with this at all. I am the one that proposed the visit. No I do NOT want to talk to the wife and I dont have to but I had already asked grandma about the visit and this woman knew it so why try to contact me and say what she did? If I didnt want DD around any of them then I would not have asked her about coming to get her and taking her back down there. Oh and for the person that said something about sending school pics.....I didnt have email addresses for dad or wife (just got wifes when she sent this) but I sent copies of pics I took to grandma and he has them on his myspace profile so he has seen them and we just got spring pics back from school and I sent copies to grandma and aunt for mothers day and I put extras in for her dad and grandma sent me an email that she had given them to her father and that he was glad to get them so please stoptrying to make it out that Im not willing to do anything because so far im the only one that has.

 

[Ohiogal]

Well, OP asked for advice on writing a letter, so I (and you) gave her a letter a sane, responsible, good mother/role model would write.

I think she has such a great opportunity here. Even if she can't make the visit happen, the other mom reached out and wanted to make things right. The least OP could do is forward some cute school pics or a nice little letter from DD to sisters. SHE ISN"T GOING TO HURT ANYONE BY BEING NICE!!!!!

Humus,

You are wrong in the bolded part. Swallowing her pride may make her choke. Her priorities are to hang on to her anger and bitterness and not take the olive branch offered.

OP, this may seem horrible but I am going to tell you outright, that being a right fighter is the surest way to hurt your child. You are right. Okay? You are right to be pissed and upset and angry because your ex is a grade A ass. Okay? Now, if you hang on to that bitterness, you are depriving your child> But you will be right about your ex. And you will also be no better than he is or was.

I see children every day whose parents are "right". And they refuse to forget they are right and they want to make the court KNOW that they are right. And the children are hurting. The children are in counseling, cutting themselves, screaming pain, hurting -- shall I continue? But their parents are right! Let me tell you, not one child that I am a GAL or minor's attorney for, looks at me and says, I know mom is right so I don't need to see dad. Nope. What the child says is, I miss my dad but I don't understand why I can't see him. Mommy is mad at him. (If it makes you feel better switch mom with dad and dad with mom or insert grandparents.)

Understand?

So try actually getting over being right and trying to give a little for your child.

 

[Ohiogal]

so please stoptrying to make it out that Im not willing to do anything because so far im the only one that has.

Wrong. You are not the ONLY one that has. You are one person in a chain. Grandma has done things. New wife has done things. Dad has done things. YOu want the most credit, then FINE. You are a saint and a martyr and have done tried to do the right thing. NOW get over that and start thinking about the next thing you can do.

Why not ask new wife what their phone number is so daughter can call and talk to her sisters? Or have daughter email something about herself to her sisters. Have an email buddy type of thing. Or radical thought YOU ask for the number so you can call and talk to dad. To facilitate that relationship. Okay?

 

[CourtClerk]

...so please stoptrying to make it out that Im not willing to do anything because so far im the only one that has.

WRONG!!! Your husband's wife has too. You just don't want to talk to her (oh god even typing it sounds immature).

Like I said, email her back and tell her not to contact you anymore. Then save a copy of the email and your response and give it to your daughter when she turns 18. She'll hate you for it, but you'll still be right.

 

[MUNCIEMOMUV2]

I do not think she should be the one contacting me because if what she says is true that he is a good man now then he should be contacting me as they seem to know how to contact me but I didnt know how to contact them. I will never deny him the right to see his child and as i said I am in contact with grandma and I asked her to come and get her if she could for a few weeks this summer to take down there (without me) and I know her father and sisters are there as well and know that they will all be around each other so I am not against her knowing any of them oh and about the disney world suggestion....grandma is a big fan of mickey and takes the other kids there all the time so im sure she would take her and her sisters there so yep they will all be together. Oh and just so you all know also, dad did send a letter back in december that he would send me a cell number so that our child could talk to him but never sent it, his mom and his sister have my number and he could have got my number from them and called. I am NOT trying to keep DD from knowing any of them. He chose to not be around and then to move away but that is in the past, if he wants a relationship with her then thats great because it will benefit her. It doesnt matter how i feel about any of them or them about me, it is about DD and I have never said anything against her father or his wife to her and I never will because honestly if something was to happen to me they are the ones that will be raising her and I will say that no I do not like his wife but she is a good mother and I know she will take good care of DD. All I wanted was a polite way of letting her know that i would not discuss visitation with her as she is not a party to any of this and that i will only discuss with dad if he is wanting to see her and as i said she already knew i had asked grandma about coming to get her so I do not understand the email she sent me as I have never said anything about our children not knowing each other and i couldnt have the kids or Dd and her father in contact as i had no way to contact them.

Hows this for a response?

"I received your email and I have never said i dont want our children to know each other. I asked grandma if she could come and get DD for a few weeks to bring down there knowing all of you were down there also and that DD would get to know all of you then. I do believe only me and father should be the ones discussing any visitation between him and DD also. I have sent pictures of DD for father so I have not tried to exclude him."


Now also, i was thinking of adding something about setting up a certain day(s) and times for father to call DD (and sisters could talk also) and giving them my number and leaving it up to them to decide to use it and let me know what times they would like to set. How is that?

 

[Ohiogal]

"I received your email and I have never said i dont want our children to know each other. I asked grandma if she could come and get DD for a few weeks to bring down there knowing all of you were down there also and that DD would get to know all of you then. I do believe only me and father should be the ones discussing any visitation between him and DD also. I have sent pictures of DD for father so I have not tried to exclude him."


Now also, i was thinking of adding something about setting up a certain day(s) and times for father to call DD (and sisters could talk also) and giving them my number and leaving it up to them to decide to use it and let me know what times they would like to set. How is that?

The response is good but you need to work on your facilitating part. How about asking her for their phone number so DD can call. Add this sentence:
I would also have DD call her father and your children if I had a phone number to reach your household. I believe it is important for DD to know the other half of herself.

 

[penelope10]

I do not think she should be the one contacting me because if what she says is true that he is a good man now then he should be contacting me as they seem to know how to contact me but I didnt know how to contact them. I will never deny him the right to see his child and as i said I am in contact with grandma and I asked her to come and get her if she could for a few weeks this summer to take down there (without me) and I know her father and sisters are there as well and know that they will all be around each other so I am not against her knowing any of them oh and about the disney world suggestion....grandma is a big fan of mickey and takes the other kids there all the time so im sure she would take her and her sisters there so yep they will all be together. Oh and just so you all know also, dad did send a letter back in december that he would send me a cell number so that our child could talk to him but never sent it, his mom and his sister have my number and he could have got my number from them and called. I am NOT trying to keep DD from knowing any of them. He chose to not be around and then to move away but that is in the past, if he wants a relationship with her then thats great because it will benefit her. It doesnt matter how i feel about any of them or them about me, it is about DD and I have never said anything against her father or his wife to her and I never will because honestly if something was to happen to me they are the ones that will be raising her and I will say that no I do not like his wife but she is a good mother and I know she will take good care of DD. All I wanted was a polite way of letting her know that i would not discuss visitation with her as she is not a party to any of this and that i will only discuss with dad if he is wanting to see her and as i said she already knew i had asked grandma about coming to get her so I do not understand the email she sent me as I have never said anything about our children not knowing each other and i couldnt have the kids or Dd and her father in contact as i had no way to contact them.

Hows this for a response?

"I received your email and I have never said i dont want our children to know each other. I asked grandma if she could come and get DD for a few weeks to bring down there knowing all of you were down there also and that DD would get to know all of you then. I do believe only me and father should be the ones discussing any visitation between him and DD also. I have sent pictures of DD for father so I have not tried to exclude him."


Now also, i was thinking of adding something about setting up a certain day(s) and times for father to call DD (and sisters could talk also) and giving them my number and leaving it up to them to decide to use it and let me know what times they would like to set. How is that?

Frankly your anger is still showing through this example. That's why I suggested taking a cooling off period and then revisiting the letter she sent you. In fact, what you are suggesting is border-line hostile IMO. There is a way of stating that you would like to talk to Dad only without being ugly.

Perhaps you could say something along the lines of thanks for breaking the ice by sending me your letter. I know it must not have been an easy thing to do. I agree that we should facilitate a relationship between the kiddos. Here is my home and cell phone number. Please have the ex give me a call so we can work out the details. . .

 

[Humusluvr]

Please have the ex give me a call so we can work out the details. . .

I think part of the problem, IMO, is that the new wife thinks Muncie wants ex back. I'm going to guess this will become a pissing match over who is ALLOWED to contact whom. And maybe that is true. Maybe Muncie feels a little slighted.

But remember, that is all in the past OP. Work on facilitating a relationship with the kiddos. They deserve to know their dad and siblings.