What are my options

[emilydlovell]

What is the name of your state? washington state

Ok heres a brief rundown...

My ex hubby and I have an almost 3 year old little girl. I have custody. He also has a 6 year old boy with another woman. a year ago, I moved my daughter and I to florida to marry my current husband who is USAF. He has never been a consistant father, flaking on visits and calls. going as long as 3 months without seeing or calling her at all even BEFORE we moved. My current husband deployed last year for 4 months, and I took my daughter home to Wa to visit. we were there 4 months and he saw her 6 times. Basically, he is a flake. Hes behind in child support, and is living with his bro-in-law who is a registered sex offender in wa. (i obviously never let him take her to his house!! he came to my house to see her or we met in public)

Anyway its now been almost 3 months since we returned to fl and over 2 since we have heard from her father. I have 2 questions:

1) Would it be legal to change her last name to match mine and her step dads without an adoption?

and

2) How long can he be MIA for before I can claim abandonment? He has gone as long as a year with his son.

Im not being vengful or spiteful to him, but my husband and I want to continue our family and im concerned for my daughter, not being able to share the family last name. And if her father DOES go MIA for long enough, i want to be able to protect her from him popping in and out for the rest of her life.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state? washington state

Ok heres a brief rundown...

My ex hubby and I have an almost 3 year old little girl. I have custody. He also has a 6 year old boy with another woman. a year ago, I moved my daughter and I to florida to marry my current husband who is USAF.

Did you get dad's permission or the court's permission to move?

He has never been a consistant father, flaking on visits and calls. going as long as 3 months without seeing or calling her at all even BEFORE we moved. My current husband deployed last year for 4 months, and I took my daughter home to Wa to visit. we were there 4 months and he saw her 6 times. Basically, he is a flake. Hes behind in child support, and is living with his bro-in-law who is a registered sex offender in wa. (i obviously never let him take her to his house!! he came to my house to see her or we met in public)

What did the court order state regarding visitation? Did it allow you to dictate that dad could only see his child when you were around?

Anyway its now been almost 3 months since we returned to fl and over 2 since we have heard from her father. I have 2 questions:

1) Would it be legal to change her last name to match mine and her step dads without an adoption?

NOt unless you get a court order allowing it and if dad fights you, you won't get a court order allowing it. Dad would have to approve of the name change basically.

and

2) How long can he be MIA for before I can claim abandonment? He has gone as long as a year with his son.

And his son doesn't matter since I thought you said you have a daughter with him. Quite frankly child support is considered contact.

Im not being vengful or spiteful to him, but my husband and I want to continue our family

Your daughter is NOT your husband's family.

and im concerned for my daughter, not being able to share the family last name.

She does share HER family's last name.

And if her father DOES go MIA for long enough, i want to be able to protect her from him popping in and out for the rest of her life.

No. What you want is to replace daddy with the new man in your life.

 

[wileybunch]

Well, it can be a pain to have children w/a different last name -- many CPs that remarry run into this (as well as CPs that never married the other parent). That's just the way it goes, though.

 

[penelope10]

Changing a child's last name without permission of Dad is a no no. Constitutes parental interference and alienation. IMO. Don't try to go that route, you'll end up landing in a heap of hot water.

The CP's responsibility is to facilitate a relationship for the child with the NCP. Even if the NCP chooses not to exercise his rights. Even if the CP remarries. Period.

 

[Just Blue]

Well, it can be a pain to have children w/a different last name -- many CPs that remarry run into this (as well as CPs that never married the other parent). That's just the way it goes, though.

Honestly ...Why is it a pain? I have two children. Both with same father. One has my last name and one has her dads. Never had ANY issue beyond him being called Mr Baystategirl and my being called Mrs Ex on occasion. Not a big deal. Really. It is fairly common nowadays.

 

[AHA]

One has my last name and one has her dads.

I'm just curious, why different names for the kids?

 

[Just Blue]

I'm just curious, why different names for the kids?

There is a large age gap so that wasn't an issue. We just thought it would be "fair" ...He is the only child on his fathers side of the family, and thought it would be nice to have one of the girls named after them. We didn't see any problem and despite our problems I have never considered trying to change her name. What ever my children's names are they are still my children...I don't understand the fuss over a name ....Unless your ex was Charles Manson and your child's name is Charles Manson Jr. and the child's name will cause ridicule ....KWIM??

 

[AHA]

There is a large age gap so that wasn't an issue. We just thought it would be "fair" ...He is the only child on his fathers side of the family, and thought it would be nice to have one of the girls named after them. We didn't see any problem and despite our problems I have never considered trying to change her name. What ever my children's names are they are still my children...I don't understand the fuss over a name ....Unless your ex was Charles Manson and your child's name is Charles Manson Jr. and the child's name will cause ridicule ....KWIM??

I agree. I'm from a place where marriage is considered a non-must, so most of the kids have the mother's last name only.

 

[LdiJ]

1) Would it be legal to change her last name to match mine and her step dads without an adoption?

You would need dad's permission to change the child's last name.

2) How long can he be MIA for before I can claim abandonment? He has gone as long as a year with his son.

Abandoment has a specific legal definition, that varies from state to state. Generally the parent must have gone for a specific length of time (often a full year or more) with no contact of ANY kind. That means no visits, no letters, no phone calls, no emails and NO child support.

In some states, as little as a single phone call or 25.00 in child support paid could break an abandonment cycle. In some states it would take more than that.

Im not being vengful or spiteful to him, but my husband and I want to continue our family and im concerned for my daughter, not being able to share the family last name. And if her father DOES go MIA for long enough, i want to be able to protect her from him popping in and out for the rest of her life.

Lots and lots of children these days don't share the same last name as other members of their immediate family. Its quite commonplace and is not going to hurt your child. Unless dad goes truly MIA, AND your husband wants to adopt your child, AND your marriage is long term and stable enough to make adoption a truly viable option, you are not going to be able to protect your child from dad popping in and out of her life.

In fact, your choices kind of made that inevitable. You created a distance so great, that you almost couldn't be further apart and still be in the same country. Obviously its going to be difficult for dad to be a constant part of the child's life.

It would be in your child's best interest for HER father to be involved in her life. Have you considered web cams and video internet visits to help them maintain a connection?

 

[OhReally?]

Generally the parent must have gone for a specific length of time (often a full year or more) with no contact of ANY kind. That means no visits, no letters, no phone calls, no emails and NO child support.

Part of this is incorrect. Not every state considers the payment of child support as "contact". Especially since there is no direct "contact" made in the payment of child support. For example -- and IIRC (unless this has changed), Ohio doesn't consider the payment of child support as "contact". You've done this before and you really should use "and/or" in this context.

 

[Ohiogal]

Part of this is incorrect. Not every state considers the payment of child support as "contact". Especially since there is no direct "contact" made in the payment of child support. For example -- and IIRC (unless this has changed), Ohio doesn't consider the payment of child support as "contact". You've done this before and you really should use "and/or" in this context.

You are wrong. Ohio does consider child support as contact. However Ohio's period is also 90 days.

 

[stealth2]

im concerned for my daughter, not being able to share the family last name.

I have an idea for you! You and hubby can change your names so they match your daughter's last name! Then you'll all match, she'll feel the warm, fuzzy connection of all of you sharing a name AND you don't need Dad's consent! Voila! How much more perfect could it be?

 

[emilydlovell]

Did you get dad's permission or the court's permission to move?

Yes i did.

What did the court order state regarding visitation? Did it allow you to dictate that dad could only see his child when you were around?

The parenting plan dictates that I am responcible for facilitating one visit a year. IE I get her back to WA state once a year and let him see her and my obligation is fulfilled.


And his son doesn't matter since I thought you said you have a daughter with him. Quite frankly child support is considered contact.

I was just telling you about his son to give you a clearer picture of the guy.


Your daughter is NOT your husband's family.

Not to be rude, but my daughter IS more my husbands family than my ex's. There is a big difference between a daddy and a father/sperm donor and his family is no better.

She does share HER family's last name.

His family hasnt seen or talked to her for almost a year. They make less effort than her father does.


No. What you want is to replace daddy with the new man in your life.

He has never been daddy. He has simply been the man who comes around and brings her gifts and tells her she is cute once every few months. My husband is the one who is her DADDY in all sense of the word, accept the DNA. Her father has began eliminating himself.

 

[stealth2]

I was just telling you about his son to give you a clearer picture of the guy.

I would have to think that YOU had a clear picture of the guy when you chose him as your daughter's father. All you've done is given us a cleaer picture of YOU. Change your name to match your daughter's and quit whining.

 

[Ohiogal]

He has never been daddy. He has simply been the man who comes around and brings her gifts and tells her she is cute once every few months. My husband is the one who is her DADDY in all sense of the word, accept the DNA. Her father has began eliminating himself.

Wrong. Your husband is NOT daddy -- not in the legal sense of the word and he never will be.