7 yr old emotionally distraught over visitation

[carissa249]

What is the name of your state? Ohio

Hi, this is a sticky situation. My daughter is 7 soon to be 8. Her father and I have been divorced for 7 years. The first 4 1/2 years he had very little to do with her. He is remarried and his wife is the one that forces all the visitation and correspondence with my daughter. I havent talked to him in over a year. We have a CO for long distance visitation. He lives in San Diego now and has for the last 2 years. He is to get her 1 half of the summer. I am to pay 1/2 of the travel expenses. My daughter has went there the last 2 summers. The 1st being for 2 1/2 weeks and last summer for 5 weeks. This year they want her for almost 6 weeks. But my daughter is having emotional break downs about going. I have her in counseling which isnt helping. Ive tried talking to her, telling her she has to go etc. And she has now started crying at school about having to go to San Diego. Her reasons are as follows.

1. Her dad doesnt spend time with her when she is there.
2. Her dad plays with the baby sister and takes her places but leaves my daughter at home with his wife.
3. He gets mad at my daughter and throws things
4. He takes her teddy bear away from her and gives it to the baby sister. (The teddy bear has been my daughters security item since 6 months old
5. They let the baby sister bite my daughter and leave bite marks but do not discipline her for it.
6. The baby sister threw sand in my daughters face and eyes and they didnt do anything about.
7. Her dad doesnt call her.

I have tried defending her father even though I understand her reasons. I have spoke to his wife about all of the above and she admits its true. The last 2 summers my daughter has not wanted to go but I have forced her. But she was not as nearly distraught. I spoke to the wife approximately 6 weeks ago and her first response was "fine she doesnt have to come then" but she then turned around and called the next morning and told me my daughter was coming one way or another. She has spoken to my daughter 2-3 times about not wanting to come but ends up yelling at my daughter about it and upsetting her more. My daughter doesnt even want to talk to her on the phone now. My daughters father hasnt spoke to her since Easter, he wont answer our calls when she wants to call him and he wont call her back. I dont know what to do or if there is anything I can do. I have tried all I can to convince her she has to go and how much fun it will be. And she is still just as upset if not worse. Any advice would be helpful at this point. I have already paid my half of the expenses of the flight. And I have done as much as possible to prepare her to go. I am not withholding her by any means. I just dont want to traumatize her any more or make her think Im trying to get rid of her too.

 

[Isis1]

out of curiousity, what do you consider appropriate discipline for a baby? how old is this baby sister?

 

[LdiJ]

out of curiousity, what do you consider appropriate discipline for a baby? how old is this baby sister?

Based on the timeline, I would say somewhere between 3 and 6 years old. I also can't see an infant or toddler being able to throw sand in another child's face.

Carisa, I understand not wanting to send a truly distraught child, but unfortunately you do not have any choice unless dad agrees.....and it doesn't appear that dad is going to agree.

 

[JustAMom2five]

I am not sure if this is helpful or not but about the biting...
I have four children and second to youngest (4 now 18 mo. @ the time) use to have a bad biting problem. We actually started calling her Parana because of it, and really the only thing I could think to do because of her young age was to treat it like you would training a puppy. When she bites you say "Ouch".. & "no.. no"... and simply removing the other child from the biting one. My own daughters biting phase only lasted a few months and left as quickly as it came... still not sure why she did it but from what I have read it can be almost anything from serious problems to just an innocent phase.
I mean obviously there is limited things you can do to a baby as far as discipline but maybe if you talk with your ex's wife (and let your daughter be witness to your conversation)... ask her if she would be more willing to show your daughter and her own that biting is not acceptable but also explain to your daughter that disciplining a baby has to be done delicately. Is the biting child very young?

As for the other issues I am not great on legal things.. hence me being here looking for my own advice, but I wish you all the best.... I am positive other members will be more helpful

Good Luck!

 

[profmum]

sounds like something more than the reasons you mention. But she has to go, if she is physically not going to get on a flight nothing more you can do, but hopefully that will not be an issue.

 

[tanja53]

What is the name of your state? Ohio

Hi, this is a sticky situation. My daughter is 7 soon to be 8. Her father and I have been divorced for 7 years. The first 4 1/2 years he had very little to do with her. He is remarried and his wife is the one that forces all the visitation and correspondence with my daughter. I havent talked to him in over a year. We have a CO for long distance visitation. He lives in San Diego now and has for the last 2 years. He is to get her 1 half of the summer. I am to pay 1/2 of the travel expenses. My daughter has went there the last 2 summers. The 1st being for 2 1/2 weeks and last summer for 5 weeks. This year they want her for almost 6 weeks. But my daughter is having emotional break downs about going. I have her in counseling which isnt helping. Ive tried talking to her, telling her she has to go etc. And she has now started crying at school about having to go to San Diego. Her reasons are as follows.

1. Her dad doesnt spend time with her when she is there.
2. Her dad plays with the baby sister and takes her places but leaves my daughter at home with his wife.
3. He gets mad at my daughter and throws things
4. He takes her teddy bear away from her and gives it to the baby sister. (The teddy bear has been my daughters security item since 6 months old
5. They let the baby sister bite my daughter and leave bite marks but do not discipline her for it.
6. The baby sister threw sand in my daughters face and eyes and they didnt do anything about.
7. Her dad doesnt call her.

I have tried defending her father even though I understand her reasons. I have spoke to his wife about all of the above and she admits its true. The last 2 summers my daughter has not wanted to go but I have forced her. But she was not as nearly distraught. I spoke to the wife approximately 6 weeks ago and her first response was "fine she doesnt have to come then" but she then turned around and called the next morning and told me my daughter was coming one way or another. She has spoken to my daughter 2-3 times about not wanting to come but ends up yelling at my daughter about it and upsetting her more. My daughter doesnt even want to talk to her on the phone now. My daughters father hasnt spoke to her since Easter, he wont answer our calls when she wants to call him and he wont call her back. I dont know what to do or if there is anything I can do. I have tried all I can to convince her she has to go and how much fun it will be. And she is still just as upset if not worse. Any advice would be helpful at this point. I have already paid my half of the expenses of the flight. And I have done as much as possible to prepare her to go. I am not withholding her by any means. I just dont want to traumatize her any more or make her think Im trying to get rid of her too.

Teh sad thing is that from the legal and grown ups point of view this is perfectly ok.
At least after what i have heard.
But from a child's point of view it is not good at all.
I have been there when I was a child.

And even if is over 40 years ago I still remember it as it was today.
I rebelled when I was a teenager. First I went against court order. They didnt want to deal with the scandal of having me picked up by the police.

To force a child who's parents doesnt care one way or another, it is not going to end good for the child.
So even if the new wife is forcing it, great, but the girl is there to see dad .

And for the younger sisters biting and throwing things. Small kids dont understand that it can hurt . So the grown ups have to correct her that it is wrong. If they dont, no wonder your daughter really feels left out and not welcomed.

 

[TheGeekess]

Teh sad thing is that from the legal and grown ups point of view this is perfectly ok.
At least after what i have heard.
But from a child's point of view it is not good at all.
I have been there when I was a child.

And even if is over 40 years ago I still remember it as it was today.
I rebelled when I was a teenager. First I went against court order. They didnt want to deal with the scandal of having me picked up by the police.

To force a child who's parents doesnt care one way or another, it is not going to end good for the child.
So even if the new wife is forcing it, great, but the girl is there to see dad .

And for the younger sisters biting and throwing things. Small kids dont understand that it can hurt . So the grown ups have to correct her that it is wrong. If they dont, no wonder your daughter really feels left out and not welcomed.

Just stop. No, really. Please stop posting, Tanja.

 

[Ohiogal]

What does the counselor suggest in order to help her cope with going to dad's?

 

[profmum]

To force a child who's parents doesnt care one way or another, it is not going to end good for the child.
.

Rubbish, if you let the kid choose, she will end up having no relationship with her dad.. I have seen it happen with my bf, his 7 yr old gets to choose when he wants to visit his Mum (who lives 5 mins away) and he has no relationship with her.

 

[proud_parent]

And she has now started crying at school about having to go to San Diego. Her reasons are as follows.

1. Her dad doesnt spend time with her when she is there.
2. Her dad plays with the baby sister and takes her places but leaves my daughter at home with his wife.
3. He gets mad at my daughter and throws things
4. He takes her teddy bear away from her and gives it to the baby sister. (The teddy bear has been my daughters security item since 6 months old
5. They let the baby sister bite my daughter and leave bite marks but do not discipline her for it.
6. The baby sister threw sand in my daughters face and eyes and they didnt do anything about.
7. Her dad doesnt call her.

Allow me to point out that 1, 2, 4, 5 and 6 sound very much like a typical rivalry reaction toward a new sibling. Even if the younger sister's parents ARE attempting to correct the behavior, it may not seem to older sister as if they are doing enough. The fact that this is a half-sibling whom the older child rarely interacts with only exacerbates the sibling conflict.

As the siblings are together only at Dad's house, Dad will need to bear most of the responsibility for fostering that relationship and assuaging older daughter's concerns. But there are things that Mom can do also. Such as to acknowledge that dynamics of sibling relationships change over time, even in intact households.

I second Ohiogal's question: what has the counselor recommended? How long has daughter been in counseling? Has Dad been made aware of counselor's involvement and recommendations? As Dad has not been available by phone, has Mom attempted to broach these issues with him (NOT the stepmother) in writing?

 

[tanja53]

Unless you have some valid legal advice, tanya, I suggest you sit back and learn.

Your homilies are not legal advice, as you note. They're also pointless here.

I do aggree with you that it seems to be pointless here.

No wonder there is so many kids, teenagers and adults on medication for bad nerves and emotional trauma.


No legal advice just reality what can happen.

 

[Humusluvr]

I do aggree with you that it seems to be pointless here.
.

Sooooo.... you are agreeing with Silver that your posts are pointless?

 

[tanja53]

They are not even sound psychological advice.

So they are not.
Experience is a something that no one can beat.

And tell me your expertice in psychology?

 

[Ohiogal]

So they are not.
Experience is a something that no one can beat.

And tell me your expertice in psychology?

Your experience is IRRELEVANT to this OP. You need to understand that. Completely and totally. Unless you are in the same state with the same situation and the same age children who have the same personality, YOUR experience matters not. SO KNOCK IT OFF.

 

[Ohiogal]

OP I NEED an answer to my question regarding what the counselor stated about visitation in order to give you advice on how to handle the situation. You have received good advice from a few people (NOT TANYA) and you need to understand you have to facilitate the relationship. However depending on the counselor's opinion you may have options.