Sole Custody after a PFA?

[reportermom]

What is the state that you are in? Pennsylvania. Sorry this is two posts long!!

My question is about custody agreements after a PFA(protection from abuse) has been issued. I will start at the beginning of the trouble with a little back round information about the situation.

Daughter's father and I were living together from my 7th month of pregnancy until she was about a year old. I then asked him to leave the house because he was mentally and emotionally abusive towards me.

I did not go to court to file anything against him because I still relied on him to watch her until she was enrolled in Pre-kindergarten at the age of 3 years old. (I was back in school) She attended two years of Pre-kindgergarten, the second year at a private school. Her father agreed to pay for her school in lieu of child support as long as I got as much financial aid as possible.

Everything was not going well. The entire three years she has been in school he has seen no problem with keeping her home from school if he feels like it, or if his family is in from out of town, or anything he can think of to not get up in the morning. He has encouraged her to lie to me and her teachers about being absent. He was not involved in her school, despite being free every morning as he works 2nd shift. Our daughter has always spent Sunday and Monday with him. This past year she missed so many Mondays that when I ran into her art teacher at a school function, she told me that Isabella's art project was significantly smaller than everyone else's project because of the amount of time she had missed.

I said nothing to him as the school year progressed. Each time I asked him about tuition, he would tell me he had paid some and it would be caught up at the end of the year. He did not pay anything on it until the first of August.

Isabella had asked to be in the play at the studio where she takes dance class, and I allowed her to tryout for the spring play. She got the role of Sleepy in Snow White. Her father started to refuse to take her to her class on Monday night., he didn't want to give up his time with her. He got angry at me when his family came into town and I said she had to go to her class and he stated that he would no longer be picking her up and taking her to school in the mornings or to the Studio for classes. I stated that if he was no longer going to take her to her classes, he would not have her on the days she had classes. He then did not contact me for over 4 weeks. I made no big deal about his absence at the time.

This past spring as I have been getting closer to graduation, I had kept trying to talk to him about the summer schedule. I needed to complete an unpaid internship for school. I started asking him in March/April to sit down and talk with me. His idea of discussion was to keep reiterating that he would take her Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday, if his work schedule allowed. I kept trying to talk to him about it. He refused to talk and started to leave all communication on my home phone at times he knew I would not be there. He refused to drop her off at any place other than my house after school.

The more insistent I became with trying to talk to him, the more he just wanted to come and pick her up at anytime, with a phone call and 10 minutes notice. After she was done with school for the year in June and I started my internship, I finally had to stop letting him pick her up. I would not have been able to take her anywhere to have her watched while I was in school/work. I missed quite a few classes this summer, to the point where my professor brought up taking a leave of absence from school. I take the bus and my family is two bus rides away, thus making it very hard for me to leave my house and get to school in the morning without leaving at 6am. He would bring her back anytime he felt like it.

About this time (end of June) I contacted a lawyer to file a petition to confirm custody and get a visitation agreement set down so there would no longer be any confusion and fuss. I was also looking into filing for Child support. He had not paid anything on her tuition as of the end of the school year. I was sitting in the lawyers office talking about my options when I got a call from my mother saying that daughter's father had come and taken her from my mother without shoes and didn't say when he would bring our daughter back home. Ten minutes later I got a call from his mother asking where I was. She had been led to believe that I knew about the lunch that had been planned for that day and I was going to attend. I told her I was not informed and neither had my daughter known about it.

See next post!What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[reportermom]

Part 2

I went with my mother to pick daughter up and was verbally attacked for keeping her from his side of the family. I reiterated that if I had been informed that they were going to be in town, I would have made arrangements for daughter to spend time with them. Near the end of the argument his aunt went, got daughter from upstairs where she had been playing, and proceeded to fire questions at her about things that had been said before. At that point I said this is over and left. (This was Tuesday.)

That night I got a call from his sister who is in Alabama. She carried on for about 15 minutes saying that she thought I was lying about everything and she had serious concerns about my ability to raise daughter. She would not state what her concerns were, but Wednesday morning I got a call from Children Youth and Family services saying they had a report that I was not feeding daughter and she was malnourished and small for her age. His sister stated in the conversation that she would come up from Alabama and make sure that everything was taken care of if she needed to.

The next day her father called me on the phone and said he was coming to get daughter and that I had better have her ready. I stated he had not made arrangements with me and she already had other plans for the night and that he was not to come to my house. I stated that when he could talk to me civilly, we could sit down and work out an agreement. He then threatened to "f#ck me up over this" and to come and take daughter and keep her until he decided to give her back, whenever that would be. He kept repeating the threat that he was going to f#ck me up. He then stated that he was going to come and get her and he was ready for whoever was going to be at my house, whether it was me or me and my boyfriend. I was very scared at this point because he had never talked to me like this. I reiterated that she would not be at my house and he wasn't to come to my house. I called my lawyer and she stated that if he called back to call the police on him and make a report. I did make a report when he called back. (This was Wednesday.)

I did not hear from him until the Saturday of that week. We were walking to the bus from daughter's dance class and he pulled up alongside us on the street and ordered daughter to get in the car. I told him he had not made any arrangements with me and she would not be going with him. He pulled away, then turned the car around, parked illegally on the sidewalk and tried to pull daughter away from me. She had wrapped her arms around my waist and would not let go, she kept repeating, "I want my mom. Don't take me away from my mom." He then realized I wasn't going to let go of her and he grabbed me around my jaw and neck and said, "I am going to kill you." Daughter then started saying, "Don't kill my mommy. I want my mommy." His ex girlfriend who was with him, convinced him to leave at that point. He turned away to leave and then turned back and spit on me. I called my boyfriend to come and pick us up and went and filed for an Emergency Protection from Abuse order. The Judge granted that for the weekend and the next judge granted the Temporary order which gave me full legal custody and prohibited him from contact with me or her.

At the third hearing to set the final PFA, before any testimony was heard the judge stated to my lawyer that this was not a PFA issue but a custody issue and acted as if I was lying and that she was going to take his side. I decided not to take a chance in having her hear the case and potentially dismiss the case, especially after she told his lawyer that if she(the judge) dismissed the case, he(daughter's father) would be able to come and take her at any time. The judge kept pushing for me to drop all the charges and give him whatever his lawyer wanted.

Through the lawyers we worked out an extension to the temporary PFA where after 4 weeks of 2 days of supervised 4 hour visitation, he would be able to have her Sunday from 2 pm until Tuesday at 8 am when school starts, he would then have Wednesday after school until 6 pm. The judge would not allow me to limit his time to only the two days per week. The stipulations to the agreement is that he had to have a bedroom set up for her at his house. He had never had one as she had been sleeping on a futon in the kitchen.

I can count on one hand the number of times that he has kept her over-night without taking her to his parents house for at least part of the time he had her. I know that he has made a habit of taking her and leaving her with his parents for the night while he goes out partying, even though he only has her two nights a week.

This is the question I would like some guidance with: (I have talked to my lawyer and would like a couple of other opinions on it.)

The extension of the temporary PFA is only good for 6 months. What is to go on after that? Since the court has already granted me sole legal custody and sole physical custody, do I have to work out a 50/50 agreement in six months or can I just set the terms in a Motion to confirm custody? I don't want to keep her from her dad, but it has never been an even split. He has never participated in any decision making when it comes to our daughter. He has always said, you do as you see fit. He never challenged me on anything until I started dating, then he tried to start controlling everything.

I believe that without his family pushing him, he would have never gotten to the point of physical violence. I am afraid of what he might do in the future to me as our entire relationship has been based on his control of me. He gave me no trouble at all when I did things the way he wanted. If I didn't do what he wanted, he didn't talk to me. Period.

I have looked all over the site and most agreements are an even split with joint Legal custody. What changes with one parent having sole legal custody and sole physical custody? Even with the threat of violence and abduction do I have to go back to what it was before he did what he did?

Thanks in advance!!

 

[Isis1]

um, is there ANY way you could shorten that up a bit? it's a really long read with way to much stuff. and the wiser seniors might not have the patience to read every detail

 

[Ohiogal]

Going to snip and answer...

Daughter's father and I were living together from my 7th month of pregnancy until she was about a year old. I then asked him to leave the house because he was mentally and emotionally abusive towards me.

has paternity been established? There is no court orders for custody at this point?

I did not go to court to file anything against him because I still relied on him to watch her until she was enrolled in Pre-kindergarten at the age of 3 years old. (I was back in school) She attended two years of Pre-kindgergarten, the second year at a private school. Her father agreed to pay for her school in lieu of child support as long as I got as much financial aid as possible.

That was nice of him. He didn't have to pay anything. Pre-kindergarten is also NOT required. Apparently the abuse was not that bad if you trusted him with your child.

The entire three years she has been in school he has seen no problem with keeping her home from school if he feels like it, or if his family is in from out of town, or anything he can think of to not get up in the morning.

Oh well. Pre-kindergarten is NOT required and therefore there is nothing wrong with dad deciding that time with family is more important.

He has encouraged her to lie to me and her teachers about being absent.

Really? How do you know he encouraged her to lie?

He was not involved in her school, despite being free every morning as he works 2nd shift. Our daughter has always spent Sunday and Monday with him.

Okay.

I said nothing to him as the school year progressed.

Then apparently it was NOT a big deal AT ALL. Because you didn't say a word to him about it.

Each time I asked him about tuition, he would tell me he had paid some and it would be caught up at the end of the year. He did not pay anything on it until the first of August.

When did you pay anything on it?

Isabella had asked to be in the play at the studio where she takes dance class, and I allowed her to tryout for the spring play. She got the role of Sleepy in Snow White. Her father started to refuse to take her to her class on Monday night.,

Why do you believe you have a right to schedule things for your daughter on DAD'S time without dad's agreement?

He got angry at me when his family came into town and I said she had to go to her class and he stated that he would no longer be picking her up and taking her to school in the mornings or to the Studio for classes. I stated that if he was no longer going to take her to her classes, he would not have her on the days she had classes. He then did not contact me for over 4 weeks. I made no big deal about his absence at the time.

Aren't you sweet? No big deal huh? How did that affect your child who was used to seeing her daddy two days a week?

His idea of discussion was to keep reiterating that he would take her Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday, if his work schedule allowed**************He refused to drop her off at any place other than my house after school.

So basically you wanted him to provide free babysitting. What is your issue with him having her three days a week? And why should he be running the child around trying to locate you?

I finally had to stop letting him pick her up.

Oh really?

I would not have been able to take her anywhere to have her watched while I was in school/work. I missed quite a few classes this summer, to the point where my professor brought up taking a leave of absence from school.

That is YOUR problem.

I take the bus and my family is two bus rides away, thus making it very hard for me to leave my house and get to school in the morning without leaving at 6am. He would bring her back anytime he felt like it.

Okay. You have excuses a plenty.

About this time (end of June) I contacted a lawyer to file a petition to confirm custody and get a visitation agreement set down so there would no longer be any confusion and fuss. I was also looking into filing for Child support.

About time.

He had not paid anything on her tuition as of the end of the school year.

Technically he doesn't have to unless he signed a contract with the school.

 

[Ohiogal]

I went with my mother to pick daughter up and was verbally attacked for keeping her from his side of the family. I reiterated that if I had been informed that they were going to be in town, I would have made arrangements for daughter to spend time with them. Near the end of the argument his aunt went, got daughter from upstairs where she had been playing, and proceeded to fire questions at her about things that had been said before. At that point I said this is over and left. (This was Tuesday.)

Aren't you sweet?

The Judge granted that for the weekend and the next judge granted the Temporary order which gave me full legal custody and prohibited him from contact with me or her.

Okay.

At the third hearing to set the final PFA, before any testimony was heard the judge stated to my lawyer that this was not a PFA issue but a custody issue and acted as if I was lying and that she was going to take his side. I decided not to take a chance in having her hear the case and potentially dismiss the case, especially after she told his lawyer that if she(the judge) dismissed the case, he(daughter's father) would be able to come and take her at any time. The judge kept pushing for me to drop all the charges and give him whatever his lawyer wanted.

Quite frankly it does sound a lot like a custody issue with a little verbal abuse.

Through the lawyers we worked out an extension to the temporary PFA where after 4 weeks of 2 days of supervised 4 hour visitation, he would be able to have her Sunday from 2 pm until Tuesday at 8 am when school starts, he would then have Wednesday after school until 6 pm. The judge would not allow me to limit his time to only the two days per week. The stipulations to the agreement is that he had to have a bedroom set up for her at his house. He had never had one as she had been sleeping on a futon in the kitchen.

And how do you know she has been sleeping on a futon in the kitchen? How big is the kitchen? What is your definition of a bedroom?

I can count on one hand the number of times that he has kept her over-night without taking her to his parents house for at least part of the time he had her. I know that he has made a habit of taking her and leaving her with his parents for the night while he goes out partying, even though he only has her two nights a week.

He is allowed to take her to his parents during his time. .

The extension of the temporary PFA is only good for 6 months. What is to go on after that? Since the court has already granted me sole legal custody and sole physical custody, do I have to work out a 50/50 agreement in six months or can I just set the terms in a Motion to confirm custody?

YOU do NOT have a right to dictate anything. You can ask the court for terms. However don't expect the court to bend over backwards and lessen his time from what it is now.

I don't want to keep her from her dad, but it has never been an even split. He has never participated in any decision making when it comes to our daughter. He has always said, you do as you see fit. He never challenged me on anything until I started dating, then he tried to start controlling everything.

Or he started speaking up.

I believe that without his family pushing him, he would have never gotten to the point of physical violence

Your belief doesn't matter. PROVE IT.

I am afraid of what he might do in the future to me as our entire relationship has been based on his control of me. He gave me no trouble at all when I did things the way he wanted. If I didn't do what he wanted, he didn't talk to me. Period.

Dearie based on what you wrote, you were the one who was in control dictating to him when he could see his child and when he couldn't. The law allowed that. NOW the law isn't going to allow you to dictate. And him not talking to you -- that is NOT him controlling you. Unless of course you desired him to talk to you and would do anything to make sure he did. Which is a very warped behavior on your part.

I have looked all over the site and most agreements are an even split with joint Legal custody. What changes with one parent having sole legal custody and sole physical custody? Even with the threat of violence and abduction do I have to go back to what it was before he did what he did?

It is very possible he will be able to get joint legal custody with more time than now since it is going well now.

 

[LdiJ]

OP,

You stated that he grabbed you around the neck and jaw and threatened to kill you, and you didn't call the police? Instead, you just filed for an emergency protection order? That was your biggest mistake. The courts would have taken things more seriously if you had gotten the police involved and gotten him charged with DV.

Don't make that mistake a second time.

 

[reportermom]

has paternity been established? There is no court orders for custody at this point?

He signed the original AOP, but the hospital could not file it. We didn't agree on her name until she was a week old. He would not sign the second one.​

Oh well. Pre-kindergarten is NOT required and therefore there is nothing wrong with dad deciding that time with family is more important.

The first two years were Pre-kindergarten. This past school year was Kindergarten. The school was made aware of the situation and said they would let me know if she started to miss too much.​

Really? How do you know he encouraged her to lie?

He told her don't tell mommy you didn't go to school. Tell her you went to class and had lots of fun today. She came in the house after he dropped her off and said, "Daddy told me not to tell you, but I didn't go to school today." He also lied to her one day about not going to school because the school nurse wouldn't let her back into school.​

Then apparently it was NOT a big deal AT ALL. Because you didn't say a word to him about it.

I did keep mentioning it to him, but refused to fight about it. He ignored anything I did try to say.​

When did you pay anything on it?

I filed all the papers for the available scholarships as we had agreed. Her account was credited with almost half of the amount of her tuition.​

Why do you believe you have a right to schedule things for your daughter on DAD'S time without dad's agreement?

In the beginning of the school year his days off were Sunday and Tuesday. I signed her up for classes because I was taking classes at her studio on Monday nights. She would have had to sit at the studio and watch the other children taking class, so as it was my time I signed her up for class. Dad then got a new job and changed his nights off.​

Aren't you sweet? No big deal huh? How did that affect your child who was used to seeing her daddy two days a week?

I didn't keep her from him. She went to him on Sunday and Wednesday if he wasn't working. He just couldn't have her on Monday. She was afraid of seeing him after "the incident" (her words, not mine.) Even a month after the incident, she was worried about what he would do. When I explained that the judge said she had to see them she became hysterical. I calmed her down and told her that she had to see her Dad.​

So basically you wanted him to provide free babysitting. What is your issue with him having her three days a week? And why should he be running the child around trying to locate you?

He has always been the free babysitting. He never made an issue out of it before. He agreed to pick her up and keep her until I was done with class and work. I always scheduled my work and classes to work with his start time. When he got the new job he decided that he could no longer be bothered with watching her after school. He took the new job that started an hour earlier in the middle of my school semester.​

Oh really?
That is YOUR problem.

Yes. As I said, he had never said he was unwilling to do those things in the past. Only after I started dating did he start refusing to do things.​

About time.

I didn't want to interrupt daughters school year with this, just in case.​

Technically he doesn't have to unless he signed a contract with the school.

He did. The school was sending him the information, I was just getting copies.​

 

[Isis1]

this isn't legal advice, but it is parenting advice. instead of saying "the judge said so" say "mom and daddy agreed". and in all technicality, you did, because neither objected. you both are agreeing to a court order.

i made the same faux pas a few weeks ago. and listening to you say it, made me realize i handled a situation wrong

 

[reportermom]

Aren't you sweet?

Quite frankly it does sound a lot like a custody issue with a little verbal abuse.

How is grabbing me around the jaw and neck and threatening to kill me verbal abuse?​

And how do you know she has been sleeping on a futon in the kitchen? How big is the kitchen? What is your definition of a bedroom?

I've been in the apartment. I have seen the futon. The kitchen in only 15 ft X 12ft with a small breakfast nook. The nook is where the futon is. As for my definition of a bedroom, since they are not the same sex, I don't feel it is appropriate for her to share bedroom space with him. She needs to have her own sleeping area separate from him NOT 3 feet from stoves and refrigerators.​

He is allowed to take her to his parents during his time. .

You are right. he does. My point is that he does not care for her himself.​

YOU do NOT have a right to dictate anything. You can ask the court for terms. However don't expect the court to bend over backwards and lessen his time from what it is now.

That is what I was trying to figure out. I don't want to lessen his time. I just want a definite plan.​

Or he started speaking up.

He didn't just start speaking up. I did. I finally stopped giving him everything he wanted. I worked with his schedule. My schedule was set by his work schedule, even so far as I would wait to plan my week until he got his work schedule Saturday night or even on Sunday. I couldn't do that anymore. I had an internship to plan and work around.​

Your belief doesn't matter. PROVE IT.

The only time we have fought over arrangements have been when his family had been in town. Otherwise he didn't fuss about anything, and would work out things together.​

Dearie based on what you wrote, you were the one who was in control dictating to him when he could see his child and when he couldn't. The law allowed that. NOW the law isn't going to allow you to dictate. And him not talking to you -- that is NOT him controlling you. Unless of course you desired him to talk to you and would do anything to make sure he did. Which is a very warped behavior on your part.

See this is the thing. He has always let me make all the plans for her and NEVER wanted to make the plans himself. As for the him not talking to me, I would call to discuss things with him, he would not pick up the phone and then he would call me back when he knew I wasn't home and leave the schedule he wanted with no consideration and no possibility for me to work with him on anything. My schedule has stayed the same as long as I have been in school, it is not hard to avoid me. I also always answered his calls when I am not in class.​

It is very possible he will be able to get joint legal custody with more time than now since it is going well now.

 

[reportermom]

OP,

You stated that he grabbed you around the neck and jaw and threatened to kill you, and you didn't call the police? Instead, you just filed for an emergency protection order? That was your biggest mistake. The courts would have taken things more seriously if you had gotten the police involved and gotten him charged with DV.

Don't make that mistake a second time.

I did call the police. I left that part out because the post was so long. This happened in the middle of a fairly busy street. I immediately called the police and waited for them. There was a major bicycle race going on in the city and it took over an hour for them to get there. When they did get there they said since he wasn't there they couldn't do anything. I had them amend the police report from the Wednesday where he had threatened me instead of making a second report. They advised me to get the PFA so they could arrest him next time. They said they couldn't pick him up because he wasn't there anymore and I didn't know the license number.

They kept stating they couldn't charge him with anything.

 

[reportermom]

this isn't legal advice, but it is parenting advice. instead of saying "the judge said so" say "mom and daddy agreed". and in all technicality, you did, because neither objected. you both are agreeing to a court order.

i made the same faux pas a few weeks ago. and listening to you say it, made me realize i handled a situation wrong

I completely understand what you are saying. At the time I didn't agree with the judge, and I didn't want her to see him. She got hysterical for a week after the incident when I brought up having to eventually go back to our house.

I know she has to see him and I did agree to it. I am trying to not let my fear and concern with what he did to me in front of her affect her relationship with her father.

 

[stealth2]

One piece of language I would TOTALLY lose is that Dad is "babysitting" his daughter. Unless that's what you consider your parenting time to be. Babysitting.

 

[Zigner]

Her father agreed to pay for her school in lieu of child support as long as I got as much financial aid as possible.

So, you DID report that income to the financial aid department that you were dealing with, right?

 

[reportermom]

One piece of language I would TOTALLY lose is that Dad is "babysitting" his daughter. Unless that's what you consider your parenting time to be. Babysitting.

That is definitely not what I consider my parenting time to be!! That was the term Ohiogal used. I didn't want to create confusion by changing it.

 

[reportermom]

So, you DID report that income to the financial aid department that you were dealing with, right?

of course I did!! Why wouldn't I?