Involving Children in Custody Matters

[great_ideas]

As your children get older they will realize what their dad is doing. Stay calm, be cool, and don't let him upset you. write all the nasty letters you want, just don't send them. (your letter wasn't nasty, mean, or rude, but rather to the point, but you know what I mean)

It always sucks to know the other parent has lied to our child(ren) about us to make themself look better. Kids are smarter than that.

 

[wileybunch]

to my surprise, he drops the kids off at 8:30am. no biggie. until the older one, 10, asks why didn't i answer the phone. then he went on to say that his dad was calling me so they could stay until 11:30am and i wouldn't answer the phone. my phone never rang on my end this morning. i wasn't even expecting the kids until 11:30am per his own letter.

I would not send the letter, either. You don't need it for any of the reasons you mentioned. You don't need a paper trail, you already have that from prior comms. I would have told the 10yo, "Hmm, my phone never rang, but of course you could have stayed until 11:30AM, that's what time I was expecting you home. Dad must have forgotten."

 

[Bloopy]

I would have told the 10yo, "Hmm, my phone never rang, but of course you could have stayed until 11:30AM, that's what time I was expecting you home. Dad must have forgotten."

Even that was TMI and involves them as much as Dad did.

Dad's a bonehead. But I don't think the children were outrageously put upon on this one.

My hubby and I have both groaned about the other not answering the phone about XYZ in front of the kids. From their perspective, that's all that happened.

If Dad is playing games and plotting to CLAIM you made him drop them off earlier, you have your lovely paper trail.

Kudos for 24 hour rule.

 

[wileybunch]

Even that was TMI and involves them as much as Dad did.

I don't think so at all. Everyone's assuming Dad was playing a game. Mom should just be straight up and not play the game and pretend like she also was expecting them home at 8:30AM. That's a little too much collusion and makes Mom a liar, not a "good coparent." The "Dad must have forgotten" could just be dropped off the end (vs. making assumptions) and just say, ""Hmm, my phone never rang, but of course you could have stayed until 11:30AM, that's what time I was expecting you home."

 

[majomom1]

Isabella,

I agree. Let it go. I know how hard that is, though.

CJane will tell ya, I'm bad about responding to the ex when no response is necessary, just to make myself feel better. CJane's called me out on it.

And since then, I haven't responded to the ex's rantings. And it feels great!

I gotta agree here. Cjane has taught me to ignore this as well and it is great.

Dad wants OP to email, or write about this. He knows it bugs the heck out of her and thinks... Ha! I got to her again. Just the idea that the kids are beoching at Mom makes him smile.

But... I would have said, to the kids: Wow, you're home early? I didn't expect you until 11:30?

 

[Isis1]

Wow, you're home early? I didn't expect you until 11:30?

that was the first thing i said, lol.

okay. 24 hour rule. i thought about it. so I thought to just write a letter asking dad to at least call me if he needs to bring the kids home early to make sure there is always someone at home. so he won't have to make a second trip should i not be home the next time around. I'll let him know i understood his time to be 11:30am.

he asked me last week to bring the kids home early before, so i'll just ask him to repeat the same courtesy.

 

[2Mistakes]

that was the first thing i said, lol.

okay. 24 hour rule. i thought about it. so I thought to just write a letter asking dad to at least call me if he needs to bring the kids home early to make sure there is always someone at home. so he won't have to make a second trip should i not be home the next time around. I'll let him know i understood his time to be 11:30am.

he asked me last week to bring the kids home early before, so i'll just ask him to repeat the same courtesy.

Seriously? Ignore it. COMPLETELY. Write nothing.

 

[majomom1]

Seriously? Ignore it. COMPLETELY. Write nothing.

I agree. Ignore it completely. Let it go. It will do absolutely no good. He will still be late, early -- whatever he chooses.

 

[casa]

Sunny California,

okay, today was the end of NCP's 1 week vacation time. per his communication he was planning to drop the children off at 11:30am. no issues. i let him know there was no conflict prior. to my surprise, he drops the kids off at 8:30am. no biggie. until the older one, 10, asks why didn't i answer the phone. then he went on to say that his dad was calling me so they could stay until 11:30am and i wouldn't answer the phone. my phone never rang on my end this morning. i wasn't even expecting the kids until 11:30am per his own letter. so once again the NCP is trying to put me in a negative light without any merit. I responded to the 10 year old that it was an adult misscommunication.

so i have addressed a letter to the NCP.

Mr. XXXXXXXXX

When you dropped off the children this morning at 8:30am I was quite surprised. Your letter dated July 24, 2008 as you notified me of your vacation time to end at 11:30am on August 22, 2008. I had absolutely no conflict with this vacation time. I even sent you a letter confirming my agreement dated July 28, 2008. Enclosed are the copies of YOUR letter and MY letter confirming this communication so maybe your memory can be renewed.
My issue is not your vacation time. I have no problem receiving the children early at any time. My issue is Sam coming in the door stating that you had called me wanting to extend your vacation time to 11:30am and I would not answer the phone. Whether you called or not, I cannot verify these missed calls despite the fact that I have been home all weekend and available for contact. Once again, involving the children in custody matters they have no business knowing. If you are to have personal business that requires you to leave the children earlier then YOU OWN requested time, then by all means you have the ability to return the children at an earlier time without commenting ANYTHING to the children. There is absolutely no reason to misinform the children just to allow the children to see me in a negative view. This is STILL not co-parenting.
I have responded to Sam’s inquiry, letting him know it was an adult miscommunication at this time.

Signed, me

is this too condescending?

*IMO* This is an example of how acrimonious &/or litigious &/or passive-aggressive parents can be when they've been previously through court battle(s).

Sometimes kids just need simple, truthful, age-appropriate answers. Like "I didn't know you called, I didn't hear the phone ring". or "Oh, I thought we had mentioned 11:30 before, I'll double-check next time."

Period. End of subject. The child(ren) usually say "Oh, ok" and walk away. What is the use of feeding into his sickness & giving it all this energy? That letter is bound to spur a response...which is bound to spur another response... meanwhile, you both are getting covertly agitated. The kids don't need THAT.

Remember to pick the hills worth dying on.

 

[CourtClerk]

okay. 24 hour rule. i thought about it. so I thought to just write a letter asking dad to at least call me if he needs to bring the kids home early to make sure there is always someone at home. so he won't have to make a second trip should i not be home the next time around. I'll let him know i understood his time to be 11:30am.

he asked me last week to bring the kids home early before, so i'll just ask him to repeat the same courtesy.

Like I said earlier. There are people in this world who ALWAYS need to have something to say. I call it job security. I will always have a job with people like this, because they will ALWAYS be in and out of court - arguing - about everything.

Doesn't bode well for the kids in the long run because their parents are too concerned with who just HAS to be right, but if you feel the need to write the email, go ahead. Then come back, post 100 more posts about the response and how he made you mad again, and continue this vicious cycle. Eventually, all of the kids will be 18 and you will find something ELSE to argue fuss and fight about. But hey, don't worry, you'll be right, and that should make you feel better. Nevermind that you have a new husband and a new baby and plenty of other things going on that should keep you busy, but this is what you choose to consume yourself with.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't have the time for such unnecessary drama.

 

[2Mistakes]

Maybe it's just me, but I don't have the time for such unnecessary drama.

Nope, not just you. I HATE drama.

And Isabella, I truly understand how you feel. I'm the same way. It's almost like a compulsion. If the ex emails me, I just HAVE to respond with something. I just HAVE to get in that final, "So there."

But this forum taught me that it will just be a vicious cycle of back and forth. NOTHING will get accomplished. I will always think that I'm right and the ex is a Wankerhead, and she will always think she is right, and who knows what names she has for me!

I will NEVER get her to see things my way, and she will never get me to see things her way. Just not gonna happen.

So I have adopted the creed that unless it's something that REALLY needs a response, I ignore it.

And things have never been better. My life has gotten so much easier.

 

[wileybunch]

Sometimes kids just need simple, truthful, age-appropriate answers. Like "I didn't know you called, I didn't hear the phone ring". or "Oh, I thought we had mentioned 11:30 before, I'll double-check next time."

ITA. I think the child "deserves" this much of an answer, no more, no less. As for Dad, there's nothing that needs to be said. He "should have" called first, but he didn't, but you were home and no harm, no foul as far as that goes.

 

[Humusluvr]

that was the first thing i said, lol.

okay. 24 hour rule. i thought about it. so I thought to just write a letter asking dad to at least call me if he needs to bring the kids home early to make sure there is always someone at home. so he won't have to make a second trip should i not be home the next time around. I'll let him know i understood his time to be 11:30am.

he asked me last week to bring the kids home early before, so i'll just ask him to repeat the same courtesy.

Don't send anything. If you HAVE to write something, do it, then don't send it. Why make yourself mad and invite more drama?

To note: if dad does make plans with you for 11:30, and shows up unannounced at 8:30, and you're NOT THERE - oh well for him. He should learn to follow the plans. Too bad, so sad. Dad will learn.

And if he has to be driving all around, making extra trips, he will learn on his own.

Allow this "teachable" moment!!!

 

[Isis1]

apparently i need a 48 hour rule.

fyi, NCP never responds. unless he can yell and cuss at me over the phone or in person he's not going to communicate about anything. that's just who he is.

so no letter.