Just Blue
Senior Member
I have issues with that word as well...but LEGALLY it applies to a child born out of wedlock.
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Sole Custody of Illegitimate Child
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The_Non-Mom
Member
A little OT, but legally, I am illegitimate also. In fact, when I went to the county clerk's office for a copy of my BC to get my driver's license, the little old lady behind the counter had to pull out a special binder that held the BC's for illegitmate births in order to find mine. Awfully unnerving for a 16yo....I have issues with that word as well...but LEGALLY it applies to a child born out of wedlock.
Ohiogal
Queen Bee
You are 16? Or was this a while ago?
The_Non-Mom
Member
Oh gosh, that was 15 years ago! Sorry for the confusion.
Ohiogal
Queen Bee
I was confused and was under the impression that you were an adult until you said you were sixteen and got your bc.
The_Non-Mom
Member
16 years old and married with a 10yo step-daughter? Yikees! Actually, that isn't too far off from some of the stuff I have seen in the short time I've been hanging around here.
Actually, that isn't too far off from some of the stuff I have seen in the short time I've been hanging around here.As to everyone's comments on the word illegitimate I agree and of course will not use it toward this child. This child is legitimate to me and will be my whole world. I had hoped I could have the father on the b.c. because every child deserves their parents names on their b.c. The stigma that is already attached due to this being illegitimate I had hoped the baby could at least have his/her father's name on the b.c.
I have no intentions of keeping this child from him, but will not force his involvement either. I have been up front and honest with him, so that he will not be surprised when a teenager comes looking for their dad wanting answers. I will not require child support from him if he has no involvement and no I will not being getting any kind of government help. If he wants to be involved then I will work with him on some kind of support.
All of the answers I received have been helpful and it looks like my only option is to not put him on the birth certificate, or establish paternity and have a lawyer draw up a sole custody agreement. Would that be part of a parenting plan agreement?
The father is willing to do whatever I ask and has offered support. I have not turned it down or taken any, mainly because he has tried to stay distant in everything and I have not forced anything different. I do not want to force anyone to be a father. I will love my child with all I have in me and hope and pray for a Godly man to come along in the future for me and this child.
LdiJ
Senior Member
If you decide to establish paternity, I would recommend that you have an attorney draw up the paperwork and after its signed, submit it for you to court. There will be less chance of any errors.
However, honestly, simply leaving him off the birth certificate is the simpler way to go.
And the only way to establish paternity would be to have him sign the birth certificate or a DNA test?
LdiJ
Senior Member
Its not the actual birth certificate that he signs. Its an Affidavit of Paternity. However, unless he signs that his name cannot be placed on the birth certificate. The only other option is a DNA test.
Wouldn't it be better to establish paternity now and have sole custody paperwork drawn up now rather than have him 10 years from now establish paternity? I have been reading many of the child custody posts and things tend to get ugly. Again I will not keep him from his child but I also don't want to get surprised by some court battle. I would be willing to work out a joint custody agreement together if in the future he changes his mind. I just don't want him changing his mind and things getting ugly. I am honestly a little scared. He is a good guy but because of the circumstances he really wants to avoid involvement. He never had any children and had not planned on it, so this child doesn't quite fit into his plans. I want to protect my child and want to do all I can now. He has told me he suffers from depression problems, how bad I do not know, and I wonder if it will make he go back and forth on decisions. I just want some stability for my child.
OldandTired
Member
I have read the OP 4 times now, and it's not getting any less sadder than the first time.
If I can butt-in and throw a suggestion in here, I will. If it's not welcome, I can always delete it.
In my opinion, you are right. I too believe that all children have the right to know who their parents are. A child only gets one mother and one father in this life. If you prefer not to have your child's father named on the BC and he doesn't want to sign the AOP, may I suggest photos that you can share with him/her later on?
While it's true that absent establishing paternity, you will not have to ask him for anything regarding your child, in regards to passport, leaving the country with your child, etc, establishing paternity would at least allow your child to know with 100% certainty that this is "Daddy". (Not implying that you would just make this up).
I was separated from my father after he and my mother divorced, and no matter how angry I was with him for leaving, later on in years, I wanted a relationship with him. Not all children are the same, but most are, to the point they eventually want to have a sit-down with the parent to learn about them.
You are handling this much better than anyone I've ever seen post on a forum before. I applaud you at your efforts in doing what you believe is right for you and your child.
If I can butt-in and throw a suggestion in here, I will. If it's not welcome, I can always delete it.
In my opinion, you are right. I too believe that all children have the right to know who their parents are. A child only gets one mother and one father in this life. If you prefer not to have your child's father named on the BC and he doesn't want to sign the AOP, may I suggest photos that you can share with him/her later on?
While it's true that absent establishing paternity, you will not have to ask him for anything regarding your child, in regards to passport, leaving the country with your child, etc, establishing paternity would at least allow your child to know with 100% certainty that this is "Daddy". (Not implying that you would just make this up).
I was separated from my father after he and my mother divorced, and no matter how angry I was with him for leaving, later on in years, I wanted a relationship with him. Not all children are the same, but most are, to the point they eventually want to have a sit-down with the parent to learn about them.
You are handling this much better than anyone I've ever seen post on a forum before. I applaud you at your efforts in doing what you believe is right for you and your child.
This bothered me. Him being involved, or not, has nothing to do with child support. If you filed for it, he could pay and not be obliged to be involved with his child. And if he never paid, he would still have the right to be involved. I understand the context, of the two of you basically going your separate ways, no strings etc, but wanted you to be aware that the two issues are separate.
OldandTired
Member
After reading the last post, I had to re-think about the child support issue myself. Even if he doesn't want to be involved in your child's life, there still comes everything involved in raising this child.
If he were to pay you only $200.00 a month for 18 years, the principal of that would be $43,200.00. That could sure come in handy for a college education for your child.
If your child is a girl, there could be dance lessons she may like to take, gymnastics, things of this nature. If the child is a boy, baseball, football, etc. Don't strap yourself in the future, when you can plan now to be able to provide.
It's not "gold-digging". You are basically resolving yourself to the fact that you will be raising this child alone, just keep the options open for making it as comfortable as possible for yourself and child. He does have as much responsibility in supporting your child as you do. He can only elect to not be there for the child.
I hope you will consider this as a future security for your child.
If he were to pay you only $200.00 a month for 18 years, the principal of that would be $43,200.00. That could sure come in handy for a college education for your child.
If your child is a girl, there could be dance lessons she may like to take, gymnastics, things of this nature. If the child is a boy, baseball, football, etc. Don't strap yourself in the future, when you can plan now to be able to provide.
It's not "gold-digging". You are basically resolving yourself to the fact that you will be raising this child alone, just keep the options open for making it as comfortable as possible for yourself and child. He does have as much responsibility in supporting your child as you do. He can only elect to not be there for the child.
I hope you will consider this as a future security for your child.
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