Likely hood of modification of visitation?

[reportermom]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? PA

Hello All! Bear with me for a moment, I do have a question of importance to me. I'm sorry for the Length of this I tried to be brief!

First off, Let me thank all of you who are constantly on here giving people advise. I have learned many things by reading about others situations and it has been invaluable to me. THANK YOU for taking the time to stay on these boards and continuing to give advice!

I am sure that if you want, or you have been around long enough, you remember when I first came on the board last year. I have learned a lot since then and have been able to look at my situation without the emotional baggage of having my life threatened. I was awarded full Legal and Full physical custody of Little One with Dad having visitation.

I had my custody set at the PFA hearing without ever going in front of the judge, it is a long story, but I think it worked out for the better. It ended up that I had Little One from Tuesday after school until Sunday at 2pm. Dad then had Little one From Sunday to Tuesday with Wednesday after school until 6pm.

Little one had all sorts of trouble with this schedule. I had been in contact with her school almost weekly because Little One was late and missing so much school. It turned out that up until the end of February, Little one was late or absent for about half of the time that Dad had her. After I got her report card in January and found that she was failing 1st grade, I got served with papers that Dad was filing for full custody. During January Dad kept telling Little One that we had a court date and he was going to have her for a week at a time and we would trade her off every other week. Needless to say, Little One was freaked out about this and got very clingy and insecure.

So in March we went in front of a conciliator and Dad said he didn't want full custody, he wanted to reduce his time. He wanted every other weekend and Wednesday dinner. He then started to say he wanted extended time of Thursday at 3pm till Tuesday at 10am every other week and lots of other crazyness in the summer. When the conciliator found I was graduating school this May, The conciliator would not even talk about summer. The conciliator set a hearing on May 27th to settle summer. Dad also blamed Little One's missing school on her self esteem issues?!?!? Needless to say, we agreed to reduction of his time. The conciliator further ordered that Dad is to get into contact with Little One's Therapist and do what he advises. Dad has never talked to Therapist, but has played phone tag for over 2 months.

In the mean time there was a modification of child support. I know they aren't related, but what happened there is relevant. Dad kept trying to say he has Minimum wage income, we ended up in front of a hearing officer where Dad admitted he has income of $28-29,000 last year. He didn't bring his W-2's or his tax return as they were still with his accountant. So the hearing officer brought up how Little One's time is split between us, and Dad made a comment that he is definitely going to get more time in May.

My question is, How likely is it that after asking for a reduction in time he will be able to get more time over the summer. I understand that Little One isn't in school, but Dad has not even made use of the visitation he has now. Little one spends most of her weekend with Dad at PGrma and Grpa's house. Dad even told Little one to expect this to happen as he has things to do and can't stay with her on his weekends.

thanks for taking the time to read and reply! I really value seeing this from an outside perspective. If anyone has any questions, please ask me!!What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[wileybunch]

What do you mean by "more time" in the summer? I thought the conciliator didn't address the summer schedule yet? It stands to reason if Dad's been backed down to a standard NCP visitation schedule during the school year that he would get more time in the summer, not just the EOW sorta thing. How much time do you think he should have?

 

[LdiJ]

What do you mean by "more time" in the summer? I thought the conciliator didn't address the summer schedule yet? It stands to reason if Dad's been backed down to a standard NCP visitation schedule during the school year that he would get more time in the summer, not just the EOW sorta thing. How much time do you think he should have?

The norm for summer when its not long distance is that each parent gets 1/2 of the summer. Therefore you need to expect that to happen. Every other week is normal, or every other two weeks.

 

[reportermom]

The norm for summer when its not long distance is that each parent gets 1/2 of the summer. Therefore you need to expect that to happen. Every other week is normal, or every other two weeks.

The conciliator has not addressed summer at all, but Dad started to make statements about what he wanted for the summer at the last hearing. He doesn't want to do whole weeks. He wants to take every other weekend and expand it to include parts of the weeks before and after. For example on his weekend he gets Little one on Thursday at 2pm to Monday at 3pm. The conciliator wouldn't give him Friday at the hearing March at all. He wants to keep her out of activities that she has been in since she was 3. He kept talking about "uninterrupted time" with Little One. When asked by the conciliator, he stated that he didn't feel that he should have to take her to a class that I signed her up for, even though he has supported her enrollment in the past.

So I understand that the norm is that each parent gets half of the summer, but would they make us do that even if he has never wanted that in the past? He has never even wanted to take her for a week. It is not what he wants now either. I don't want Little One to end up spending her summer dumped off at PGrParents as they have said they can't watch her anymore because they are getting too old. (Dad's and their words, not mine.) Little One comes back from PGrParents miserable and thinking she can cry to get her way. It is always a hard transition because I don't allow her to get away with that. Dad doesn't spend the time with her that he does have, How could he justify more time?

I'm not trying to keep Little One away from him. We (her counselor and myself) have worked very hard to get Little One back to being secure in her world and herself. I don't want her to back slide to where she was, afraid of everything, not wanting to go to Dad's house, stomach ache on days she went to see Dad, having major outbursts of anger in school, Etc, Etc. I forgot the conciliator is waiting to see what the next report card and her counselor say to set summer schedule, so would that have impact on it?

I'm sorry I left out some things from the first post. I have been having trouble lately with my memory and other things. Would all that be taken into consideration? or would it be just the norm?

Sorry for the long reply.

 

[LdiJ]

The conciliator has not addressed summer at all, but Dad started to make statements about what he wanted for the summer at the last hearing. He doesn't want to do whole weeks. He wants to take every other weekend and expand it to include parts of the weeks before and after. For example on his weekend he gets Little one on Thursday at 2pm to Monday at 3pm. The conciliator wouldn't give him Friday at the hearing March at all. He wants to keep her out of activities that she has been in since she was 3. He kept talking about "uninterrupted time" with Little One. When asked by the conciliator, he stated that he didn't feel that he should have to take her to a class that I signed her up for, even though he has supported her enrollment in the past.

So I understand that the norm is that each parent gets half of the summer, but would they make us do that even if he has never wanted that in the past? He has never even wanted to take her for a week. It is not what he wants now either. I don't want Little One to end up spending her summer dumped off at PGrParents as they have said they can't watch her anymore because they are getting too old. (Dad's and their words, not mine.) Little One comes back from PGrParents miserable and thinking she can cry to get her way. It is always a hard transition because I don't allow her to get away with that. Dad doesn't spend the time with her that he does have, How could he justify more time?

I'm not trying to keep Little One away from him. We (her counselor and myself) have worked very hard to get Little One back to being secure in her world and herself. I don't want her to back slide to where she was, afraid of everything, not wanting to go to Dad's house, stomach ache on days she went to see Dad, having major outbursts of anger in school, Etc, Etc. I forgot the conciliator is waiting to see what the next report card and her counselor say to set summer schedule, so would that have impact on it?

I'm sorry I left out some things from the first post. I have been having trouble lately with my memory and other things. Would all that be taken into consideration? or would it be just the norm?

Sorry for the long reply.

Since you have both a conciliator and a counselor involved, its possible that the judge will vary from the "norm" based on their recommendations. Its also quite possible that dad will back down a bit from what he is asking for if his parents are adamant that they do not want to watch the child as much as they have been doing recently, particularly if that would cause them to have to watch her more.

You honestly need to stop stewing about it and wait and see what gets ordered.

 

[reportermom]

You honestly need to stop stewing about it and wait and see what gets ordered.

I know. I'm trying not to stew. Thanks for the reply!

 

[reportermom]

Hello All! Update time! Sorry So Long!

The last time we went in for a custody hearing, Dad refused to agree to any type of schedule for the summer. He was adamant that he wanted Little One one week on/one week off. There was lots of back and forth and offers of many different kinds, but Dad refused anything but whole weeks on/off. In doing so he made sure that the schedule stayed at EOW the whole summer.

Dad insisted that he be heard by a judge, so now we have a judicial conciliation tomorrow. Dad won't communicate with me at all. Not through email or voice mail or text message. He states that he doesn't have access to email(in an email) and simply will not answer my phone calls or attempts at communication. He did talk to me over the phone once in the past year and a half. He ended up screaming at me and hung up on me repeatedly, he kept calling back and hanging up and threatening to not drop Little One at the proper drop off location.

Little One has made great strides in her schooling this year and is just about caught up to all of her peers. She is finally settled into the school year and is just now getting back to how she was before "the incident" happened. Her teachers and her counselor have noted that she needs structure in her weeks, so I hesitate to agree to anymore after schools than the one we already have on Wednesday. I am going to ask that the drop off location be moved to lessen the disruption it has on Little One.

HERE comes the question: Have we established enough of a status quo to argue that there is no need to change the schedule? My lawyer is of the opinion that he would need a change of circumstances to make us change the schedule. What do you think?

I also need your advise on how to clarify the pick up and drop offs for holidays. Right now it just states that what parents will have what day and has no language about pick ups or drop offs. Dad has been using pick ups and drop offs to intimidate me and anyone he doesn't approve of. He has violated the provision that he stay in his car when dropping her off repeatedly, even after being reminded by me and my lawyer.

The worst incidence of his trying to intimidate me was when I was at the dance studio helping at a community event. I knew it was his weekend and had walked down the stairs into the studio to get my things so I could leave the area like I am supposed to. Dad followed me into the studio and proceeded to yell at me in front of parents and children about how I was violating the order and kept himself between me and the exit. I kept trying to leave the area and he kept following me. Finally, when he had me almost backed into the bathroom, one of the other Mom's got in between us and another Dad escorted him outside to wait for Little One. He had come a half an hour early to pick Little One up.

Does anyone have any suggestions for Pick up drop offs? I don't want to set Holiday drop offs at my house because I am never at my house on Holidays. My family can not get up the stairs into my house so I always go to them and it changes but not on a schedule of any sort.

THanks So much for the advice and your time!! I really appreciate it. I have been lurking for over a year now and have learned a lot!!!

 

[LdiJ]

What you really need is for exchanges to take place at a neutral site, like a local police station.

I agree with your attorney that dad probably needs a change in circumstance to change anything at this point.

 

[reportermom]

Well, Just got back from court. Dad's lawyer was an hour late, so we had to stop early as the judge had another hearing to get to. Dad wants week on and week off in the summer still.

The Judge thinks that he shouldn't have his Wednesday visit anymore because of the disruption it causes. However, she thinks I should give him a Third weekend during the month to make up for it. It is only a three hour visit and she wants me to give up the entire week end. THat would leave me with only ONE weekend every month.

She also wants Dad to have more time and doesn't see why he shouldn't get more time even though he isn't using the time he has.

She has ordered that Dad never talk to me over the phone and wants us to use a website that is set up for parents to communicate through that has built in email that can't be changed once the email is sent to someone. I thought that was the best idea out of today. I will come back in and let you guys know what the website is as I am sure some people could use it.

She also wants Dad to have more time during the holidays and times off/Or that he gets extended time during the summer. I have purposely pursued a career that allows me this time off so I have it to spend with Little One and now I am supposed to give it up because everyone agrees that Dad CAN'T have her during the week?!?! So not only is he allowed to be a craptastic parent, he gets to have all of the fun vacation time and still not take any responsibility for Little One!!! He doesn't even have to pay his child support because his mummy pays it for him!!! Then not only will I miss summertime with her, but I will also have to spend the first month of school getting her back to where she should be.

I know that I am coming off as a bitch that only wants her way, but I am really angry right now. I have worked very hard for the past year to get Little One where she needs to be with the help of all of her teachers and counselors (she has had more than one) and Dad wants to come in and undo it all because HE *stomps foot* wants more time. What about what Little One needs?! What about what is best for her?!?!

I just don't understand why his rights trumps hers!

If you could please look past my anger and give me advise on how to give him more time without losing the progress we have made with her and without short changing me from my vacations, I would appreciate it. My lawyer thinks it is I give him more time or we go to psychological evaluations and risk him pulling his 'I am just a dad that wants more time with his daughter and I am perfect' act. (which is what I fell for in the first place)

Help Please!

 

[LdiJ]

Well, Just got back from court. Dad's lawyer was an hour late, so we had to stop early as the judge had another hearing to get to. Dad wants week on and week off in the summer still.

The Judge thinks that he shouldn't have his Wednesday visit anymore because of the disruption it causes. However, she thinks I should give him a Third weekend during the month to make up for it. It is only a three hour visit and she wants me to give up the entire week end. THat would leave me with only ONE weekend every month.

She also wants Dad to have more time and doesn't see why he shouldn't get more time even though he isn't using the time he has.

She has ordered that Dad never talk to me over the phone and wants us to use a website that is set up for parents to communicate through that has built in email that can't be changed once the email is sent to someone. I thought that was the best idea out of today. I will come back in and let you guys know what the website is as I am sure some people could use it.

She also wants Dad to have more time during the holidays and times off/Or that he gets extended time during the summer. I have purposely pursued a career that allows me this time off so I have it to spend with Little One and now I am supposed to give it up because everyone agrees that Dad CAN'T have her during the week?!?! So not only is he allowed to be a craptastic parent, he gets to have all of the fun vacation time and still not take any responsibility for Little One!!! He doesn't even have to pay his child support because his mummy pays it for him!!! Then not only will I miss summertime with her, but I will also have to spend the first month of school getting her back to where she should be.

I know that I am coming off as a bitch that only wants her way, but I am really angry right now. I have worked very hard for the past year to get Little One where she needs to be with the help of all of her teachers and counselors (she has had more than one) and Dad wants to come in and undo it all because HE *stomps foot* wants more time. What about what Little One needs?! What about what is best for her?!?!

I just don't understand why his rights trumps hers!

If you could please look past my anger and give me advise on how to give him more time without losing the progress we have made with her and without short changing me from my vacations, I would appreciate it. My lawyer thinks it is I give him more time or we go to psychological evaluations and risk him pulling his 'I am just a dad that wants more time with his daughter and I am perfect' act. (which is what I fell for in the first place)

Help Please!

Did the judge make any actual orders about parenting time today, or was she just throwing out ideas? I certainly wouldn't agree to dad getting three weekends a month, or more than half of the holidays. You deserve some quality time with the child as well.

However, you really may have to budge on the every other week during the summer...assuming that the child would not simply be parked with grandma and grandpa for the whole time.

 

[reportermom]

Thanks for replying LdiJ. I appreciate it.

The judge didn't make any actual orders. This meeting was just a mediation in front of a judge to try to get us to agree to a schedule, and as far as I am concerned, we already have a schedule.

She did make it clear that if he gives up his mid week, she expects me to give up something for him to make up his time. I don't agree with this at all.

Just because he is unable to parent in a non disruptive way doesn't mean that I should have to give up the little time I have without school in it. Does that make sense?

As for the summer, I am certain that she will end up parked at her grandparents. She comes back now complaining that she doesn't get to see her Dad enough. This past weekend with him, she refused to go to Cirque De Soliel because he wasn't going to be there. She would have missed only about 3 hours of time with him, but she didn't want to miss even that much.

She desperately want to spend time with him and he won't. She ends up at the Grand parents, bored and allowed to do whatever, whenever she wants.

 

[Ohiogal]

Thanks for replying LdiJ. I appreciate it.

The judge didn't make any actual orders. This meeting was just a mediation in front of a judge to try to get us to agree to a schedule, and as far as I am concerned, we already have a schedule.

She did make it clear that if he gives up his mid week, she expects me to give up something for him to make up his time. I don't agree with this at all.

Just because he is unable to parent in a non disruptive way doesn't mean that I should have to give up the little time I have without school in it. Does that make sense?

As for the summer, I am certain that she will end up parked at her grandparents. She comes back now complaining that she doesn't get to see her Dad enough. This past weekend with him, she refused to go to Cirque De Soliel because he wasn't going to be there. She would have missed only about 3 hours of time with him, but she didn't want to miss even that much.

She desperately want to spend time with him and he won't. She ends up at the Grand parents, bored and allowed to do whatever, whenever she wants.

You expect dad to give up whta little time he has to get rid of midweek visits but you don't want to give up summer? You do realize you have the vast majority of time, don't you? this seems somewhat petty.

 

[reportermom]

I know that it looks like petty on my part.

I work a lot during the school year because my job follows a college's schedule, I will not be working so much in the summer. I work a lot of hours around Little One's schedule where she is with me. I stay up late and and get up early and work when she is in school and asleep. That way I can give her the structure and attention she needs to be successful. After Little One was born, I went back to school to not have to work second shift and provide a better life for her.

Dad on the other hand, continues to switch jobs, and has had 5 in just the past year. All of them he has worked at night and on Saturday nights. He has given up at least three jobs where he could have spent more time with Little One and chosen his schedule, but gives the excuse of the restaurant business not being busy enough. Three of the jobs he left are at high end restaurants that are still busy in spite of the economic downturn. Dad has had numerous chances to get into other fields and work a more traditional schedule that would allow him to spend more of his time actually with Little One. He has pursued none of those opportunities.

I expect that Dad does what is best for Little One, even if it is not better for him. I have changed a lot of what goes on at my home since all of these issues came to a head with "the incident" because it was best for Little One. I have worked closely with her counselor and done everything I could possibly think of and some things that I didn't think of to help her be successful.

What has Dad changed to help Little One succeed? He took me back to court and requested less time this past March. At that time he went from two over nights with two school mornings and the Wednesday to one overnight with no school mornings and the Wednesday. The Wednesday visit is only three hours after school and Dad misses most of this time. Little One spends it with the Grandparents.

If I thought that Dad would spend the extra time he is requesting with Little One, I would not hesitate to give him more time. But Little One will end up with Grandparents, I guarantee that.

Dad doesn't want the responsibility of parenting only the fun, and yet wants me to give up the fun time I have with her. I have a problem with that, and yes that ends up looking petty.

Just Wednesday, he told Little One if she is still coughing on Saturday she can skip her visit with him. She has stayed home the past two days because she spiked a fever THursday morning and it hasn't completely gone away. Of course, he said nothing to me about this in court on Thursday. NOTHING.

I get really frustrated doing all the hard parts of parenting and having people tell me I have to give up the fun stuff. I wrote you a book again. Sorry.

I will probably end up agreeing to more time for him, but I am really frustrated.

Thanks for the reply OhioGal. I really appreciate your feedback.

 

[Ohiogal]

I know that it looks like petty on my part.

I work a lot during the school year because my job follows a college's schedule, I will not be working so much in the summer. I work a lot of hours around Little One's schedule where she is with me. I stay up late and and get up early and work when she is in school and asleep. That way I can give her the structure and attention she needs to be successful. After Little One was born, I went back to school to not have to work second shift and provide a better life for her.

Dad on the other hand, continues to switch jobs, and has had 5 in just the past year. All of them he has worked at night and on Saturday nights. He has given up at least three jobs where he could have spent more time with Little One and chosen his schedule, but gives the excuse of the restaurant business not being busy enough. Three of the jobs he left are at high end restaurants that are still busy in spite of the economic downturn. Dad has had numerous chances to get into other fields and work a more traditional schedule that would allow him to spend more of his time actually with Little One. He has pursued none of those opportunities.

I expect that Dad does what is best for Little One, even if it is not better for him. I have changed a lot of what goes on at my home since all of these issues came to a head with "the incident" because it was best for Little One. I have worked closely with her counselor and done everything I could possibly think of and some things that I didn't think of to help her be successful.

What has Dad changed to help Little One succeed? He took me back to court and requested less time this past March. At that time he went from two over nights with two school mornings and the Wednesday to one overnight with no school mornings and the Wednesday. The Wednesday visit is only three hours after school and Dad misses most of this time. Little One spends it with the Grandparents.

If I thought that Dad would spend the extra time he is requesting with Little One, I would not hesitate to give him more time. But Little One will end up with Grandparents, I guarantee that.

Dad doesn't want the responsibility of parenting only the fun, and yet wants me to give up the fun time I have with her. I have a problem with that, and yes that ends up looking petty.
Just Wednesday, he told Little One if she is still coughing on Saturday she can skip her visit with him. She has stayed home the past two days because she spiked a fever THursday morning and it hasn't completely gone away. Of course, he said nothing to me about this in court on Thursday. NOTHING.

I get really frustrated doing all the hard parts of parenting and having people tell me I have to give up the fun stuff. I wrote you a book again. Sorry.

I will probably end up agreeing to more time for him, but I am really frustrated.

Thanks for the reply OhioGal. I really appreciate your feedback.

He is allowed to have his daughter get to know HIS side of the family. That is the only time he has for them to be with the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and what not. he can utilitize it that way.

Life is not fair and parenting is not about fun. You can't force him to parent -- neither can the courts. The courts also can't FORCE you to parent. But parenting is the good and the bad. You are not losing all of the good but you will have share it.

 

[LdiJ]

I know that it looks like petty on my part.

I work a lot during the school year because my job follows a college's schedule, I will not be working so much in the summer. I work a lot of hours around Little One's schedule where she is with me. I stay up late and and get up early and work when she is in school and asleep. That way I can give her the structure and attention she needs to be successful. After Little One was born, I went back to school to not have to work second shift and provide a better life for her.

Dad on the other hand, continues to switch jobs, and has had 5 in just the past year. All of them he has worked at night and on Saturday nights. He has given up at least three jobs where he could have spent more time with Little One and chosen his schedule, but gives the excuse of the restaurant business not being busy enough. Three of the jobs he left are at high end restaurants that are still busy in spite of the economic downturn. Dad has had numerous chances to get into other fields and work a more traditional schedule that would allow him to spend more of his time actually with Little One. He has pursued none of those opportunities.

I expect that Dad does what is best for Little One, even if it is not better for him. I have changed a lot of what goes on at my home since all of these issues came to a head with "the incident" because it was best for Little One. I have worked closely with her counselor and done everything I could possibly think of and some things that I didn't think of to help her be successful.

What has Dad changed to help Little One succeed? He took me back to court and requested less time this past March. At that time he went from two over nights with two school mornings and the Wednesday to one overnight with no school mornings and the Wednesday. The Wednesday visit is only three hours after school and Dad misses most of this time. Little One spends it with the Grandparents.

If I thought that Dad would spend the extra time he is requesting with Little One, I would not hesitate to give him more time. But Little One will end up with Grandparents, I guarantee that.

Dad doesn't want the responsibility of parenting only the fun, and yet wants me to give up the fun time I have with her. I have a problem with that, and yes that ends up looking petty.

Just Wednesday, he told Little One if she is still coughing on Saturday she can skip her visit with him. She has stayed home the past two days because she spiked a fever THursday morning and it hasn't completely gone away. Of course, he said nothing to me about this in court on Thursday. NOTHING.

I get really frustrated doing all the hard parts of parenting and having people tell me I have to give up the fun stuff. I wrote you a book again. Sorry.

I will probably end up agreeing to more time for him, but I am really frustrated.

Thanks for the reply OhioGal. I really appreciate your feedback.

My recommendation is that you put your foot down about the extra weekend. You should NOT give up any of your weekends with the child. She needs equal "down time" with you.

What you might offer however, is an extra day on dad's weekends. Perhaps him having Sunday nights, overnight on his weekends and he deliver the child to school on Monday.

However, you honestly are going to have to let him have the every other week in the summer time. That is so completely normal that the judge will likely order that even if you don't agree.

Now, if she ends up parked with the grandparents all summer, the first summer, then you could consider addressing that in court. However, since the grandparents have already more or less said that they are unwilling to be caring for her for so much of dad's time now, they may balk at having her every other week in the summer...therefore she may end up spending a lot more time with dad, or end up back with you more.