First steps in custody case?

[aubreyz]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Washington State

I have started this new thread based on my detailed situation described at: https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/regaining-custody-after-rehab-478463.html#post2324390. (I posted this link in the "trackback; sorry, seniors, if I did this incorrectly the 1st time!)

To recap, I was the custodial parent and also the parent with the most parenting time (4-5 days per week) of my 8 year daughter until 6 months ago. I had broken my pelvis while moving a large dresser 3 months prior, and found myself badly dependent on prescription pain meds and sleep aids after the pain had subsided. My ex-husband and I had co-parented well before this, and we agreed that he would assume custody while I entered a rehab program. He presented me with the agreement in writing, stating that it was necessary in case I did not recover or became less compliant in seeking treatment. I was anxious to have life return to normal, saw no reason not to sign at that time, and did so. Since my daughter and I have an extremely tight emotional bond, it was agreed that my ex would bring her for 2 over-night visits every other weekend, and I could speak to her on the phone daily. We've kept in close contact; and beyond visits and phone calls, we send letters and chat via webcam. She asks when I'm coming home almost every day.

The medications in question were taken for a legitimate reason. I was never trying to get "high". I did not seek out multiple doctors, overfill or refill prescriptions too soon, buy pills from friends or the internet, or anything like that. I just had a very difficult time when it was time to stop taking them--headaches, upset stomach, insomnia, irritability, etc. which would not let up unless I took more medicine; in turn making me tired and occasionally absentminded. However, I did not drive while under the influence of meds, or forget about school, meals, etc. I simply needed professional help to wean my body off of the medications.

To make a long story short, I successfully completed rehab, have been medicine-free for almost 6 months, have returned to work, and otherwise normal life. The problem is that my ex has since decided that he wants to keep full custody, and thinks that the level of contact I have with my daughter is adequate. I've jumped through a lot of hoops to make him happy in the last few months, hoping to stay out of court. Although I didn't outwardly agree with his demands, I've remained in counseling, held my job steadily, and not relapsed; all things he claimed to fear would happen.. Now he's decided he’ll never trust me to parent again.

This being the case, it is time for me to stand up for myself and get a lawyer. Right now, the custody shift still seems temporary to all involved, and my daughter keeps wondering when things will be back to normal. I definitely want to proceed ASAP, because I realize that this won't always be the case--the longer we wait, the more this becomes her "new normal" and home environment.

This week I've had conflicting advice in two initial consultations with attorneys. I'm wondering if anyone can give me their opinion on the following questions.

Although it's an expensive process, I wonder if I should sign up for random drug testing or a hair strand test, even though it hasn't been court ordered or asked for? I wonder the same things about signing up for a psych evaluation, home evaluation, and parenting investigation. Maybe by asking at the court house to see if there are neutrally-positioned professionals already appointed for these things? Should I seek mediation before preparing to litigate? If I do these things, will I be shooting myself in the foot and making myself look guilty, or will I appear proactive, or neither?

We did a pretty fair job of not dragging out dirt on each other during divorce proceedings 3 years ago, but I fear this time might be different. If he makes it his project to attempt to make me look bad, do I have to do the same to him in order to level the playing field? I wouldn't want it to appear that I have nothing on him and he is the ideal parent, but I just hate the idea of mudslinging in court. It seems time consuming hurtful, and usually irrelevant to the actual matter at hand.

What actions should I take over the next 1-2 weeks to begin?

 

[Ohiogal]

You need to educate yourself. Read the state statutes, state rules of civil procedures, and the local rules. Learn them and if you don't understand them, ASK. he has temporary custody it appears so you only need a change in circumstance to change custody -- not a substantial change in circumstance.

 

[diana65]

Does he have any burden of proof that you are not a good parent ?
Never trust anyone but urself.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Washington State

I have started this new thread based on my detailed situation described at: https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/regaining-custody-after-rehab-478463.html#post2324390. (I posted this link in the "trackback; sorry, seniors, if I did this incorrectly the 1st time!)

To recap, I was the custodial parent and also the parent with the most parenting time (4-5 days per week) of my 8 year daughter until 6 months ago. I had broken my pelvis while moving a large dresser 3 months prior, and found myself badly dependent on prescription pain meds and sleep aids after the pain had subsided. My ex-husband and I had co-parented well before this, and we agreed that he would assume custody while I entered a rehab program. He presented me with the agreement in writing, stating that it was necessary in case I did not recover or became less compliant in seeking treatment. I was anxious to have life return to normal, saw no reason not to sign at that time, and did so. Since my daughter and I have an extremely tight emotional bond, it was agreed that my ex would bring her for 2 over-night visits every other weekend, and I could speak to her on the phone daily. We've kept in close contact; and beyond visits and phone calls, we send letters and chat via webcam. She asks when I'm coming home almost every day.

The medications in question were taken for a legitimate reason. I was never trying to get "high". I did not seek out multiple doctors, overfill or refill prescriptions too soon, buy pills from friends or the internet, or anything like that. I just had a very difficult time when it was time to stop taking them--headaches, upset stomach, insomnia, irritability, etc. which would not let up unless I took more medicine; in turn making me tired and occasionally absentminded. However, I did not drive while under the influence of meds, or forget about school, meals, etc. I simply needed professional help to wean my body off of the medications.

To make a long story short, I successfully completed rehab, have been medicine-free for almost 6 months, have returned to work, and otherwise normal life. The problem is that my ex has since decided that he wants to keep full custody, and thinks that the level of contact I have with my daughter is adequate. I've jumped through a lot of hoops to make him happy in the last few months, hoping to stay out of court. Although I didn't outwardly agree with his demands, I've remained in counseling, held my job steadily, and not relapsed; all things he claimed to fear would happen.. Now he's decided he’ll never trust me to parent again.

This being the case, it is time for me to stand up for myself and get a lawyer. Right now, the custody shift still seems temporary to all involved, and my daughter keeps wondering when things will be back to normal. I definitely want to proceed ASAP, because I realize that this won't always be the case--the longer we wait, the more this becomes her "new normal" and home environment.

This week I've had conflicting advice in two initial consultations with attorneys. I'm wondering if anyone can give me their opinion on the following questions.

Although it's an expensive process, I wonder if I should sign up for random drug testing or a hair strand test, even though it hasn't been court ordered or asked for? I wonder the same things about signing up for a psych evaluation, home evaluation, and parenting investigation. Maybe by asking at the court house to see if there are neutrally-positioned professionals already appointed for these things? Should I seek mediation before preparing to litigate? If I do these things, will I be shooting myself in the foot and making myself look guilty, or will I appear proactive, or neither?

We did a pretty fair job of not dragging out dirt on each other during divorce proceedings 3 years ago, but I fear this time might be different. If he makes it his project to attempt to make me look bad, do I have to do the same to him in order to level the playing field? I wouldn't want it to appear that I have nothing on him and he is the ideal parent, but I just hate the idea of mudslinging in court. It seems time consuming hurtful, and usually irrelevant to the actual matter at hand.

What actions should I take over the next 1-2 weeks to begin?

All of the things that you mentioned in the bolded paragraph can be helpful to your case, but there can also be quite a bit of cost involved.

Normally parents would be sent to mediation first. That would be a good place to guage just how hard your ex is willing to push this, particularly with a mediator there to tell him when he is and isn't being reasonable.

 

[aubreyz]

Answers and Updates

Thanks so much to all of you who have responded. My ex and I will be starting mediation next week, and instead of just me, we will both be going through parenting evaluations. Unfortunately, he says that he has plenty of "ammo" against me. Although I wish he were entering mediation with an attitude of trying to come to a mutual agreement, I realize that I can only be responsible for my own attitude, and that I have to remember to keep my daughters feelings, needs, and best interests at the forefront of this conflict.

I was asked if he has any proof that I am unfit to parent. This is where I need further clarification. Prior to our divorce, my ex, who is a software developer and enjoys "hacking" for fun puchased a new computer for me. (in the past it was a self imposed challenge for him to work his way backward into programs, etc. to find out how they tick--not with malicious intent. Yes, I know that this is often illegal.) This new computer was not puchased as a way to track me at the time, but because I needed an upgraded system when I had returned to school. Later, I found out that he had installed a program to trace my password changes, thereby giving him access to personal emails, medical records, etc., that I keep on my computer. During our divorce, he recaptured some emails I'd exchanged with my attorney and my therapist, and tried to use them against me, going so far as to forward them to my friends and family to make me look like a terrible person. Luckily, a few loyal friends forwarded these on to me. He admitted how he had obtained them, and was told that the information would be inadmissible in court and make him look like a crook if he tried.

Recently, he has informed me that he has been reading my emails again. Thankfully, since the last situation, I have been much more wary about relaying personal information over the web. Still, he wants to use info from a few newer emails in his parenting evaluation. Specifically, these are emails in which I had written, for example, that I had been sleep-walking during the time I was heavily medicated, and that I thought it was a Wednesday once when it was a Tuesday. I realize that both of these could have had serious implications, say if I had injured myself or worse during the night, or due to my date confusion missed a work appointment (I guess he's speculating that this could have made me an unreliable employee, and thus, an unreliable wage earner??) The problem is that these are taken out of context, and I was stating these as reasons why I wanted to discontinue the medication.

I know that these things are not admissible in court, but from what I'm reading, it sounds like anything goes in a parenting evaluation, and these actually can be held against me. Is this true? If so, how should I respond to such allegations?

Again, my ex is a good dad, and I would be happy to share more custody with him than I have in the past. We only live 2 blocks from each other, so school, transportation, difficulty getting back and forth, etc. are not an issue.

 

[thieneyes]

I want to be clear....

He is accessing e-mails between yourself and others without your consent and wants to use these in court against you? These are not e-mails that were sent to him by and/or the original party that they were sent to?

 

[LdiJ]

Thanks so much to all of you who have responded. My ex and I will be starting mediation next week, and instead of just me, we will both be going through parenting evaluations. Unfortunately, he says that he has plenty of "ammo" against me. Although I wish he were entering mediation with an attitude of trying to come to a mutual agreement, I realize that I can only be responsible for my own attitude, and that I have to remember to keep my daughters feelings, needs, and best interests at the forefront of this conflict.

I was asked if he has any proof that I am unfit to parent. This is where I need further clarification. Prior to our divorce, my ex, who is a software developer and enjoys "hacking" for fun puchased a new computer for me. (in the past it was a self imposed challenge for him to work his way backward into programs, etc. to find out how they tick--not with malicious intent. Yes, I know that this is often illegal.) This new computer was not puchased as a way to track me at the time, but because I needed an upgraded system when I had returned to school. Later, I found out that he had installed a program to trace my password changes, thereby giving him access to personal emails, medical records, etc., that I keep on my computer. During our divorce, he recaptured some emails I'd exchanged with my attorney and my therapist, and tried to use them against me, going so far as to forward them to my friends and family to make me look like a terrible person. Luckily, a few loyal friends forwarded these on to me. He admitted how he had obtained them, and was told that the information would be inadmissible in court and make him look like a crook if he tried.

Recently, he has informed me that he has been reading my emails again. Thankfully, since the last situation, I have been much more wary about relaying personal information over the web. Still, he wants to use info from a few newer emails in his parenting evaluation. Specifically, these are emails in which I had written, for example, that I had been sleep-walking during the time I was heavily medicated, and that I thought it was a Wednesday once when it was a Tuesday. I realize that both of these could have had serious implications, say if I had injured myself or worse during the night, or due to my date confusion missed a work appointment (I guess he's speculating that this could have made me an unreliable employee, and thus, an unreliable wage earner??) The problem is that these are taken out of context, and I was stating these as reasons why I wanted to discontinue the medication.

I know that these things are not admissible in court, but from what I'm reading, it sounds like anything goes in a parenting evaluation, and these actually can be held against me. Is this true? If so, how should I respond to such allegations?

Again, my ex is a good dad, and I would be happy to share more custody with him than I have in the past. We only live 2 blocks from each other, so school, transportation, difficulty getting back and forth, etc. are not an issue.

If he tries to use the emails, point out that they were taken out of context, and that they are irrelevant as you are no longer taking the meds and explain how they were obtained illegally.

Also, you need to get a new computer so that he no longer has access to your stuff.

 

[TheGeekess]

If he tries to use the emails, point out that they were taken out of context, and that they are irrelevant as you are no longer taking the meds and explain how they were obtained illegally.

Also, you need to get a new computer so that he no longer has access to your stuff.

Or, save all your important documents and reload the system from scratch.

 

[aubreyz]

Yes, these were private emails, of which he was never the originator nor the recipient. I puchased a new computer last week because of this situation.