Inappropriate sexual conversation between step mom and child

[Proserpina]

I don't think that any school systems start it as early as 9 unless there happens to be a younger child in a class...and even when it starts, the parents have the option to "opt out" of their child attending the class.

That's what I was curious about. Thank you for clarifying that

 

[wileybunch]

Middle school starts in 6th grade here (so kids are 11-12 when entering) and it's somewhere between 6-8th grade that it's part of the curriculum (I can't recall off hand). And, as was mentioned, parents are notified in advance to give permission or opt out.

My youngest 2 are now almost 10.5 and I would be sticking something up that woman's piehole if she spoke to my son or daughter that way.

 

[Rushia]

Oh Dog, I never thought you were an "asshat" for feeling the way that you do. You were raised a little differently than the rest of us and I respect that. I don't think that my kids stepmom would talk to our children that way, but she'd certainly get an earful from me if she told him how it "felt". I plan on "birds and bees" and that is it. My problem is that my son is starting puberty and if I don't tell him, he's going to find out the wrong way. I just don't think he's emotionally ready to handle the information yet.

 

[shesaidwhat]

I didn't say you were a prude. And yes, I have conceded my asshat-edness in making the assumption I did (and I'll probably be wearing that ass-hat for the entire day

I wasn't saying that in response to you specifically, just for the record. I just wanted to make it clear I'm not naive in thinking that I can somehow shelter child from sexual information his entire life - quite the contrary - It would just be nice to know that instead of having ignorance spouted from someone he's known a few years, he received reliable, accurate information when he is emotionally ready, mature enough to understand it, and has the desire and curiosity to even know.

Some of the other things that have been said to child by step mom:
- "Black people grow up to do nothing and are worthless" I asked dad about this and he laughed. Seriously.
- When child told her it bothered him when she said she "hates me with a passion" she responded with, "Well [child], I can make a list of the reasons why and get back to you tomorrow night" I witnessed this personally.
- He was shown partial emails and texts from me to dad - all of which were responses to dad, but not shown entire messages in context or any from dad.
- He was told specifically NOT to tell me any of this (the sexual conversation, the things they said about me, the promises made if he comes to live with them at 12) When he first came home he had extreme crying spells and begged me not to tell Dad anything that he said out of fear of Dad getting mad at him.
- He was called obese by step mom while dad was not home

These things have been ongoing problems that I realize I generally have no control over. The sexual conversation however has pushed me to the end of my rope.

So basically, legally speaking, I can't request that step mom refrain from speaking to child about such things or request child not be left alone with her at the least? I genuinely, honestly, truly want to do what is best for my child - and I feel that does include having a relationship with his father - but does that come at the detriment of child, and does it have to include attempting to demonize me??? It's so sad. I'm so angry my child is being put through this situation.

 

[Proserpina]

I wasn't saying that in response to you specifically, just for the record.

Some of the other things that have been said to child by step mom:
- "Black people grow up to do nothing and are worthless"
- When child told her it bothered him when she said she "hates me with a passion" she responded with, "Well [child], I can make a list of the reasons why and get back to you tomorrow night" I witnessed this personally.
- He was shown partial emails and texts from me to dad - all of which were responses to dad, but not shown entire messages in context or any from dad.
- He was told specifically NOT to tell me any of this (the sexual conversation, the things they said about me, the promises made if he comes to live with them at 12) When he first came home he had extreme crying spells and begged me not to tell Dad anything that he said out of fear of Dad getting mad at him.
- He was called obese by step mom while dad was not home

These things have been ongoing problems that I realize I generally have no control over. The sexual conversation however has pushed me to the end of my rope.

Ho Lee Pinochle

If this is accurate (and there's no reason to think otherwise), step-beast has just gone from "Ok, out of line, maybe you don't know any better" and straight into "Uh...ex dear? I believe you may just have married a psychopath". I tried for a minute to answer each point and I can't get past "completely, utterly appalling".

This has to be one of the worst cases of attempted alienation that's ever been posted here. And the really crappy part is she seems savvy enough to make sure there's no actual proof.

Wow. Just wow.

 

[CJane]

So here's the deal.

Stick to the court-ordered parenting plan as closely as possible and insist that all additional times be short enough in duration (no overnights) that Stepmom can't go all crazy like.

If Dad wants status quo, he can file for it and THEN he can explain to the court why SMom's behavior is appropriate.

 

[commentator]

Did anyone but me not think this is a little odd that the mother didn't want the child to be told there was no Santa Claus and no easter bunny er, 'scuse me, tooth fairy... at 9 years old?

I think what we have is a real difference in people, home atmospheres, definitely an uninvolved father who is really, deep down, staying uninvolved, but I hear just a teensy tad of trying to overcontrol the feedback a child gets from the world, and possibly a stepmother who thinks good mothering is being really really frank when a child asks for information.

After all, when a child asks a sex question, the person answering is supposed to inquire about why he or she wants to know this particular thing (the old joke about I'm supposed to fill out this form and it says "sex" ) but I am in agreement with children's services, this is not abuse or molestation.

 

[TNBSMommy]

Did anyone but me not think this is a little odd that the mother didn't want the child to be told there was no Santa Claus and no easter bunny er, 'scuse me, tooth fairy... at 9 years old?

I didn't find it odd. I don't think there's enough innocence left in kids these days, and I think it's fine to let them "believe". My kids were never "told"
all these things weren't "real" and they survived just fine and no, at 14 and 16 they do not believe anymore. But they didn't quit til they were ready. I didn't take that last bit of magic and innocence out of their lives for them.

 

[wileybunch]

Did anyone but me not think this is a little odd that the mother didn't want the child to be told there was no Santa Claus and no easter bunny er, 'scuse me, tooth fairy... at 9 years old?

I think what we have is a real difference in people, home atmospheres, definitely an uninvolved father who is really, deep down, staying uninvolved, but I hear just a teensy tad of trying to overcontrol the feedback a child gets from the world, and possibly a stepmother who thinks good mothering is being really really frank when a child asks for information.

After all, when a child asks a sex question, the person answering is supposed to inquire about why he or she wants to know this particular thing (the old joke about I'm supposed to fill out this form and it says "sex" ) but I am in agreement with children's services, this is not abuse or molestation.

No, I do not think it's odd that this mother thinks the parents should be the ones to form their child's life in this way. I think those that like to "burst the bubble" sort of thing are the ones in the wrong here. In intact families and even in blended families with mom and stepdad living in same home or dad and stepmom in another, the parents can still choose to let their child enjoy their childhood innocence and continue to believe in Santa, the tooth fairy, etc. until they are ready to say otherwise. Some families have fun with this. This stepmother is apparently given the reigns to do things by Dad and she did things Dad wasn't even aware of, but he brought this person with different standards into their kids' lives. To fault mom here is to really disrespect her role in the children's lives. The stepmom should be very secondary and not rock the boat, but that's not what's happening. Nevertheless, there's not much that can be done about it.

 

[LdiJ]

Did anyone but me not think this is a little odd that the mother didn't want the child to be told there was no Santa Claus and no easter bunny er, 'scuse me, tooth fairy... at 9 years old?

How about I think its just plain mean and abusive to inform a 9 year old that there is no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or tooth fairy if the 9 year old happens to still believe.

I think what we have is a real difference in people, home atmospheres, definitely an uninvolved father who is really, deep down, staying uninvolved, but I hear just a teensy tad of trying to overcontrol the feedback a child gets from the world, and possibly a stepmother who thinks good mothering is being really really frank when a child asks for information.

You must not have read down the entire thread before you posted. If you did, then you've got to kidding.

After all, when a child asks a sex question, the person answering is supposed to inquire about why he or she wants to know this particular thing (the old joke about I'm supposed to fill out this form and it says "sex" ) but I am in agreement with children's services, this is not abuse or molestation.

It is sure borderline in my opinion.

 

[wileybunch]

It is sure borderline in my opinion.

I agree. Stepmom's explanation was more pornographic than "informative" and not necessary to give a 9yo the explanation even if it was the right time to have a discussion.

 

[ALGURLX1]

I still believe in Santa. Not only is it my only innocence LOL but somehow or another I am able to provide for my daughter every yr. with gifts. There is nothing wrong with believing. And OP even said she thought it would be the last yr.

OP not legal advice but from one mother to another. I think I would be having a nice little "come-to-jesus" mtg with dear ole SM. But that's just me, the sex talk would have infuriated me as well!

 

[shesaidwhat]

Did anyone but me not think this is a little odd that the mother didn't want the child to be told there was no Santa Claus and no easter bunny er, 'scuse me, tooth fairy... at 9 years old?

I think what we have is a real difference in people, home atmospheres, definitely an uninvolved father who is really, deep down, staying uninvolved, but I hear just a teensy tad of trying to overcontrol the feedback a child gets from the world, and possibly a stepmother who thinks good mothering is being really really frank when a child asks for information.

After all, when a child asks a sex question, the person answering is supposed to inquire about why he or she wants to know this particular thing (the old joke about I'm supposed to fill out this form and it says "sex" ) but I am in agreement with children's services, this is not abuse or molestation.

I can see why one might think that at first glance, but I assure you, I am definitely not attempting to over protect my child or shelter him. In fact, had Dad been present during this conversation or even known how things were said and the details that were relayed to child I wouldn't have an issue with it - because - it wouldn't have taken place the way it did. I already stated this regarding the sexual conversation. Child did not ask for this information, child was asked by her if he wanted it. Step mom felt it was time and proceeded to tell all. This woman has known child for 3-4 years (and in that time spent very little time with him). In my opinion, this is not her decision to make any more than it is my next door neighbor's or a family friend. I can't imagine even if someone else's child did ask me a sexual question even thinking of answering it. My automatic response would be to defer them back to their parents.

I also never said this was molestation. Ever. Period. I do think it's abusive to force sexual material on a child that is not mature enough to understand and handle it.

Regarding Santa and tooth fairy; I also already stated I knew the time was coming. I'm not an idiot. However, he did not ask if Santa was real, he was informed Santa is not real and Step mom informed him that she and Dad are not raising their own child to believe in those things. Mind you, for the 9 years of his life so far, this has not been an issue. 'Santa' even visited Dad's house for child previously. When child went against what Step mom said and told her that 'Santa' has to be real because Mom and Step Daddy wouldn't be able to possibly provide all of those gifts on their own, Step mom explained to him how Christmas charities work, and told him that we must get them from there. For the record, we don't, never have, never will need to. It's completely asinine for her to even make that assumption.

Of course it angers me. I feel these are attempts to hurt me and intentionally undermine me as a parent. The only real damage being done is to the child though. Further, it really doesn't seem like there is any legal recourse I can take. I've tried reasoning and talking rationally about this with both of them. What you are spot on about, commentator, is Dad being uninvolved. I feel like I'm just hung out to dry with nobody able to help and nothing I can do about it.

 

[CJane]

Further, it really doesn't seem like there is any legal recourse I can take.

This isn't actually true.

According to you, the order allows Dad very limited time w/the child. You've chosen to offer/allow more time than the order specifies and normally that's great. But your "legal recourse" in this case is to follow the order to the letter.

 

[shesaidwhat]

Update - kind of - and a couple of more questions

This isn't actually true.

According to you, the order allows Dad very limited time w/the child. You've chosen to offer/allow more time than the order specifies and normally that's great. But your "legal recourse" in this case is to follow the order to the letter.

You're completely right, and I didn't mean to ignore that. Thank you all so much for the feedback and advice - I genuinely appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. This is a very stressful situation, and not one I ever anticipated dealing with because Dad was so voluntarily absent from the picture previous to step mom. I most definitely plan on following the plan from this point on. I was definitely ignorant regarding the law and my rights (and step mom's lack thereof) before coming here, but I've been reading like crazy! I've allowed myself to be bullied by her. No more.

We were legally divorced in 2001 and entered into what I assume is/was the average parenting plan. Dad chose to exercise his visitation very rarely and moved from state to state constantly (without ever giving notification). In 2005 when I moved from WV I had the parenting plan modified, he had no problem with it and didn't bother going to the hearing so it was changed to Christmas eve from 9am to 9pm and 1 week in Summer because that was all he had ever exercised anyway, if even that. I am wondering if because we have been in OH for going on 5 years and Dad had already moved out of state before me, can we have any future modifications handled through the courts here in OH (franklin county)? Dad moved back to the original jurisdiction some time in 2006, so he is living there now, but did not live there when I moved. I was always under the impression that anytime something needed changed I would have to go back there to do it. That is a huge pain in the rear.

Also, the divorce papers say "On July 19, 2001, the parties were divorced by Order of this Court wherein the Petitioner's home was designated the residential home of the child, [Child's name], and the Respondent was granted parenting time and ordered to pay child support. . . . ." I am under the impression that this means that we share Joint legal custody, but I am the 'custodial parent'. Is this correct?

I also have some questions after reading other people's posts here regarding school information and such. I have never relayed this info to Dad except for school picture information. Dad has never asked for it either. I haven't intentionally kept anything from him. Child tells dad about his gifted program and extras whenever he actually speaks to him, but that's about it. Because he was absent for so long it's not something I ever even thought of. Am I the one that needs to provide this information to Dad or is this something he needs to request on his own?

Thanks for all of the helpful replies.

[Edit: I also meant to ask about the demeaning comments and 'grooming', if you will, against me to the child. The original parenting plan specifically says, "Each parent shall promote a healthy, beneficial relationship between the children and the other parent and will not demean or speak or act out negatively in any manner that would damage the natural flow of love and caring between either parent and our children." I assume (maybe I shouldn't) that this is a standard addition for most agreements. With all of the crap said to child by them about me can I take this to court and officially have it ordered that it stop? Is it contempt to go against those sort of things? Is that original agreement even still valid after the modification? I'm thinking it is, just the actual time with child was modified? It's not that I want a court battle or to cause problems; I just want that BS stopped yesterday, and I've asked Dad before.]