NO ONE told her she was a crappy parent. What people were attempting to tell her is she can't blame dad for things that occur on HER watch -- that when dad is out of town then SHE is and should be in FULL CONTROL of HER children. If she took it that she is a crappy parent then she is reading things that are not there.
I'm quite sure that even in law a strong implication of something matters, even if were not directly said or it did not directly happen. For example, if a parent denies visitation by not responding to requests from the NC parent, it is still denial even though "no" was not expressly said.
While I agree with this wholeheartedly. However its difficult with teens if you have the other parent telling them that they are free to use the house and have friends over. She did take the key away from them this past summer, and it caused a great deal of resentment.
And as a parent of a now grown teenager, I can tell you that there are creative things they can do even when grounded. (Even with alarm systems etc.)I completely agree with this. As a parent there is a fine line between policing your child and knowing when to let them suffer the consequences for their actions. This may be especially true for single moms who are forced to work to provide for their children. There is only so much we can do. We can't follow our kids around looking over their shoulder 24/7.I just wanted to bring up a point that even the BEST parent cannot police a child 24 hours a day. In my community you can do all the right things, such as, take your child to school and physically watch them walk into the building. Doesn't mean they are gonna stay in school all day however. Notice of missed school periods are given to the parent per a recorded message at the END of the school day. So if a parent works, and kiddo gets home before them, the message can easily be erased before the parent gets home.
Of course, you can request that the school call you at work, however, most school districts will tell you that they simply don't have the time or manpower to do so. I was able to stay at home, so I got any messages that the school sent to me
I believe that when Dad goes out of town for long periods of time that DAD should collect the keys to his home while he is gone since there is obviously a problem with alcohol etc. with the kiddo. Anything that the child needs from the home should be collected before Dad leaves. And if kiddo forgets something than kiddo is S.O.L. until Dad gets back.
In my community, the parent that actually owns or rents the home gets into deep do-do if a party happens while they are away. (Not to say that the other parent won't have legal problems too).
She has to prove that dad is aggressively undermining her authority. Letting his children have a key to HIS house is NOT undermining her authority. She has the power to say no. She has the power to enforce rules. She has the power to make rules that are not in contradiction to the law and court orders (which act like law). If she chooses not to enforce the rules because it makes her children upset, that is on her.
Mom truthfully needs to deal with the resentment. Dad may be telling them that are free to be at his house HOWEVER mom is the authority figure and legal custodian during her time and she needs to lay down the law. being a parent is NOT easy. She will have to deal with being told she is a mean mom or a variety of other things but guess what -- if she is never told she is mean or not understanding, then she most likely is NOT doing her job as a parent.
This is exactly my point. If the law can't intervene than so be it. I have never had a nonchaperoned party at my home. I have strict rules about girls over (I have to be home) and my kids are actually good about all of this with me. I don't think there would have been the couple of parties there if the teen wasn't invited by Dad for them to use the house when he is gone.
I definitely would hire the attorney. They will let you know how strong of a case you have.
In my community when it comes to drinking it doesn't matter if the parent gave permission or not. They are legally responsible for their child's actions. Mom should lay down the law, but Dad also has responsibility. Let's say, heaven forbid, a child dies of alcohol poisoning at a party at Dad's. And it's found out that Dad had knowledge that instances of drinking happened at his home prior and still made the key available to his children. Mom is not going to be found 100% responsible in this case, the law is going to go after Dad too because he made his home readily accessible.
In fact an adult who is not a parent, had prior knowledge that drinking was going on in their home while they were away, would get in deep trouble if they continued making their home accessible to minor children as a possible haven for parties.
Does your son still have access to driving? Is he still allowed freedom to roam even though you know he has been engaging in drinking and drugs? You say he is allowed to have girls over and there are strict rules -- why is he allowed to socialize if he throws alcohol parties? They are NOT good about honesty with you if they are sneaking over to dad's when he is not home to throw keggers. You may want to believe that they are good about all of it with you but not if they are going to dad's because of the temptation. Seriously.
You are VERY welcome! Stay strong, get an attorney, and please, PLEASE put your foot down! It's things like this that test our character and not only earn us respect from others, but respect for ourselves as well.
Thank you penelope for your comments. I don't want anything to happen to any of these kids and I am trying to see if the court order can be modified so Dad may feel inclined to be more cooperative.