Worried about children going to their dad's

[blstrabbit]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Colorado

My ex-husband and me are not on the best of terms. We divorced approximately 8 years ago and share joint custody of our two daughters (10 and 11). I am the residential parent. Our parenting plan is as follows: Mo-Fri and the third weekend of the month the children stay with me. They stay with him on the other weekends. Holidays and Vacations are being split.

Since he got re-married his new wife has completely taken over communications between us. She thinks and speaks for him. I have had to force the children to visit him. I have no desire to be found in contempt of court and while trying to talk to him on their behalf and letting them call him to ask if they could stay home I still enforced the times as outlined in the plan. I informed him about 10 months ago that the children are not wanting to visit him and suggested him to sit down with them and resolve the issue but I was laughed at.

I let minor issues slide. For example, he currently is 10 months behind in his child support ($146 per month for 2 children) and unemployed. When I applied for Medicaid and Foodstamps for my children I found out that he and his wife have applied for foodstamps for our daughters. I have a total of five children, work a full-time job and really need this help since their fathers are not living up to it. He threatened me and told me he would call social services because I buy the children's clothes in thrift stores.

My main problem is that the girls came back this weekend and informed me that they never want to go back because he is hitting them with a paddle and his wife is cussing at them when they don't clean the way they are supposed to. He got mad on Sunday and threw this paddle against the wall leaving a dent. My first instict was to call social services but if they start an investigation I may still have to drop my children off with him on Friday due to the court order we have in place. At that point he would know that I contacted authorities because the kids "ratted him out," and I am not sure what his reaction would be since he is bipolar and has violent tendencies. We had psychological evaluations done during our divorce and that was confirmed by a psychologist. What do I do???

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Colorado

My ex-husband and me are not on the best of terms. We divorced approximately 8 years ago and share joint custody of our two daughters (10 and 11). I am the residential parent. Our parenting plan is as follows: Mo-Fri and the third weekend of the month the children stay with me. They stay with him on the other weekends. Holidays and Vacations are being split.

Since he got re-married his new wife has completely taken over communications between us. She thinks and speaks for him. I have had to force the children to visit him. I have no desire to be found in contempt of court and while trying to talk to him on their behalf and letting them call him to ask if they could stay home I still enforced the times as outlined in the plan. I informed him about 10 months ago that the children are not wanting to visit him and suggested him to sit down with them and resolve the issue but I was laughed at.

I let minor issues slide. For example, he currently is 10 months behind in his child support ($146 per month for 2 children) and unemployed. When I applied for Medicaid and Foodstamps for my children I found out that he and his wife have applied for foodstamps for our daughters. I have a total of five children, work a full-time job and really need this help since their fathers are not living up to it. He threatened me and told me he would call social services because I buy the children's clothes in thrift stores.

My main problem is that the girls came back this weekend and informed me that they never want to go back because he is hitting them with a paddle and his wife is cussing at them when they don't clean the way they are supposed to. He got mad on Sunday and threw this paddle against the wall leaving a dent. My first instict was to call social services but if they start an investigation I may still have to drop my children off with him on Friday due to the court order we have in place. At that point he would know that I contacted authorities because the kids "ratted him out," and I am not sure what his reaction would be since he is bipolar and has violent tendencies. We had psychological evaluations done during our divorce and that was confirmed by a psychologist. What do I do???

First off you do not need to speak to his wife period. If she tries to speak to you calmly state you will discuss any issues with the children with their father then speak to her no more. Second, Spanking is not against the law. Even with a paddle. Was there any bruising? Anything to suggest it was more than just a spanking. Because if not then you really have no case against him spanking the girls

 

[blstrabbit]

No marks. They are scared to go back and I feel as if I am not doing my job in protecting them. According to my girls this has been going on for a long time. The oldest is most disturbed about being called a ****face by stepmom this weekend. Do you think I can get an adjustment in the parenting plan? The kids think that if he had less time with them he may be nicer while they are there.

 

[Proserpina]

No marks. They are scared to go back and I feel as if I am not doing my job in protecting them. According to my girls this has been going on for a long time. The oldest is most disturbed about being called a ****face by stepmom this weekend. Do you think I can get an adjustment in the parenting plan? The kids think that if he had less time with them he may be nicer while they are there.

The girls' reasoning is just not going to be enough to justify any modification - it doesn't honestly make much sense and frankly at their ages they shouldn't even be involved in a custody and/or visitation discussion.

Regardless, if the children are being abused - and there IS a difference between spanking and beating them whether it's with a hand, a paddle or the Daily Times - you need to act. Now, and without regard of what he'll do or how he'll react - if you genuinely believe that there is physical abuse going on your first priority must be their safety.

With that said there is nothing - assuming we're talking about spanking as opposed to beating - so far to justify changing anything. When did you last speak to their father?

What happens when you call to speak with him?

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

The girls' reasoning is just not going to be enough to justify any modification - it doesn't honestly make much sense and frankly at their ages they shouldn't even be involved in a custody and/or visitation discussion.

Regardless, if the children are being abused - and there IS a difference between spanking and beating them whether it's with a hand, a paddle or the Daily Times - you need to act. Now, and without regard of what he'll do or how he'll react - if you genuinely believe that there is physical abuse going on your first priority must be their safety.

With that said there is nothing - assuming we're talking about spanking as opposed to beating - so far to justify changing anything. When did you last speak to their father?

What happens when you call to speak with him?

According to OP there were no marks or bruising. I would say then there is no sign of physical abuse. If I were her I would just keep an eye open unless she is seeing something she hasnt informed us of. As for the step mom well I assume your daughters told you she said that so you dont have any real proof. I would send dad an email telling him that step mom needs to refrain from calling your daughters names or swearing at them if she does not you will take appropriate steps.

 

[blstrabbit]

He usually does not answer his phone. His normal communications are based on telling the kids to tell me or have his wife do the talking. Every once in a while when I get him on the phone we actually may see eye-to-eye (probably once a year if I get lucky). Right now he is really bad talking me and my partner (racial slurs, jokes, threats, etc.) and I think it is because he is trying to convince the kids to move to a different state with him. So at this point our communication is non-existant.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

He usually does not answer his phone. His normal communications are based on telling the kids to tell me or have his wife do the talking. Every once in a while when I get him on the phone we actually may see eye-to-eye (probably once a year if I get lucky). Right now he is really bad talking me and my partner (racial slurs, jokes, threats, etc.) and I think it is because he is trying to convince the kids to move to a different state with him. So at this point our communication is non-existant.

Well that is a not an issue. The kids do not have a say if they move or not legally. At 10 and 11 I dont even see their wishes being considered to heavily.

 

[blstrabbit]

Oh, and I did not include them in a parenting plan discussion. They were the one to bring the discussion up. I had explained to them when they were refusing to go that we had to follow the court order.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

Oh, and I did not include them in a parenting plan discussion. They were the one to bring the discussion up. I had explained to them when they were refusing to go that we had to follow the court order.

I dont know that I would have mentioned court order to a 10 and 11 year old. Then it looks like I know you dont want to go to terrible daddy's house but the big bad judge is making you go. You should have said that mommy and daddy are both your parents and as such you get to spend time with both of us. As your parents we have decided this.

 

[Proserpina]

According to OP there were no marks or bruising. I would say then there is no sign of physical abuse. If I were her I would just keep an eye open unless she is seeing something she hasnt informed us of. As for the step mom well I assume your daughters told you she said that so you dont have any real proof. I would send dad an email telling him that step mom needs to refrain from calling your daughters names or swearing at them if she does not you will take appropriate steps.

Yes, I did read that and I'm in agreement - but there is and was the possibility. I think I was speaking more to the "if I file a report I'm somewhat afraid of how Dad will react" part; fear of Dad's reaction shouldn't get in the way should there actually be something to worry about.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

Yes, I did read that and I'm in agreement - but there is and was the possibility. I think I was speaking more to the "if I file a report I'm somewhat afraid of how Dad will react" part; fear of Dad's reaction shouldn't get in the way should there actually be something to worry about.

I get where you are coming from. I wasnt stating what you said was incorrect at all. More like letting OP know spanking is not abuse beating a child is and unless something else was happening we didnt know about it at this point it doesnt seem like abuse.

 

[Proserpina]

Oh, and I did not include them in a parenting plan discussion. They were the one to bring the discussion up. I had explained to them when they were refusing to go that we had to follow the court order.

Yes, you did. Whether you initiated it or they did wasn't the question - that's a semantic difference. Either way, they became included at that point, y'know?

 

[LdiJ]

He usually does not answer his phone. His normal communications are based on telling the kids to tell me or have his wife do the talking. Every once in a while when I get him on the phone we actually may see eye-to-eye (probably once a year if I get lucky). Right now he is really bad talking me and my partner (racial slurs, jokes, threats, etc.) and I think it is because he is trying to convince the kids to move to a different state with him. So at this point our communication is non-existant.

If he moves to a different state then the children are going to get what they want (less time with dad) simply because of the distance...and odds are that dad will be responsible for the costs of transportation for visitation, as he will have created the distance.

You might however be able to get another weekend a month.

 

[blstrabbit]

You should have said that mommy and daddy are both your parents and as such you get to spend time with both of us. As your parents we have decided this.

And I am agreeing with you. I followed your suggestion for the first 9 months of their repeated refusal. After 9 months of positive enforcement and then being laughed at when I asked him for help I slipped. Hate to admit it, but I did.

I am concerned (although they have no bruises) because this is the reason I left him. At the end of our relationship I was afraid of him and his temper. His last girlfriend left after he put her through a wall. So I cannot say with good conscience that there is no potential threat.

The only reason I know he is planning on moving is because the kids repeatedly tell me about him trying to guilt them into saying that they want to go with him and what he says when they decline.

 

[MichaCA]

I am concerned too, and wish there were better advice for you. I am a mom also in a situation where daughter is afraid of her father and I have no doubt it has psychologically scarred her. Similar in that because there are no bruises, but a lot of harm...psychology says is as deep or even deeper hurt than outright physical abuse. I don't know, I do know it is abuse.

On the outside, the only recourse I see is at least let them have a counselor they can like and trust, and that is one more support person for them if they wish to talk about their fears, or whatever. Because it IS abuse, even if in the court system its not classified as abuse. So the appropriate arena are to be with people who are specialized in dealing with abuse.