Feeling helpless with visitation.

[lostd93]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ

IM VERY SORRY THIS TURNED OUT TO BE SO LONG.

My daughter is 4 years old. I have been broken up with her father since before birth. For her first year her father didnt take advantage of his visitation, missing more visits than he made. Then her father was absent for approx 1.5 years of her life (6 months jail/1 year voluntary) and returned a year ago when she was turning 3. He said that he wanted to see her so I went to mediation with him and agreed to 2 weekdays and 2 weekends per month for him. Since his return she has been very tense and resistant before and after his visits.

My relationship with the father is not a very good one. He both verbally and physically abused me in the past (no police reports, I was young and scared) and has also subjected our daughter to behaviors such as spitting on us, ripping her from my arms, calling me a shi..ty mother, wh..re and sl..t in front of her, etc. He has admitted to using visits as a way just to see me and start arguments. We now meet at the police station for our safety so those incidents have been scaled back. He does continue to call me filthy names while he has her in his care, and she comes home very upset about him calling me a bi..ch among other things. I dont really care what he calls me anymore but I dont think it is good for the child.

She also has had some behavior and emotional issues pop up on the days following his visits such as wetting her pants (she is fully potty trained), nightmares involving him, crying before his visits, not wanting to call him daddy, sucking her thumb, not listening at school, etc. I have explained to him what she is going thru now and also what issues this could lead to in the future such as drugs, alcohol, depression, poor self esteem, sex, etc. I have contacted him at least 25 times over the last year via email (primary communication bc of verbal abuse) expressing my concerns and asking for his thoughts, opinions, changes that could be made, anything to help her adjust, be happy, and feel secure. Almost every attempt goes ignored by him, and if I do get a reply he only takes the time to say something to the effect of "You Are A Fuc..ing Psycho" as he has said most recently. He refuses to coparent with me and the only thoughts I have gotten from him over the last 1+ year on the topic is that it is "all my fault" and she needs to just "deal with it."

My daughter is also an asthmatic and has a weakened immune system. When she was with him last she had alot of "coughing and couldnt breathe" (her words) but he didnt do anything about it. He also didnt even tell me that she had what Im guessing was an asthma attack, I didnt find out until the next day from her. I asked him what happened but he ignored me again. He continues to smoke around her which sets her asthma off and the court order says that he isnt supposed to, but there is no way to prove it in court.

She has also told me a few times that he hasnt fed her. He finally admitted to it this time after questioning the next day but he didnt tell me this at dropoff so that I could make sure she ate, even though it was already her bedtime. If I didnt ask or she didnt tell me, she would have went to sleep without any food. He said he doesnt need to tell me those kinda things.

Add all these actions and behaviors up and I feel like I cant trust her father at all to provide a safe, secure, or healthy environment. Am I crazy or does all this sound like it is not in the best interests of the child? Would a judge take any of this seriously and change visitation or will it just be dismissed? I really dont know what to do right now.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ

IM VERY SORRY THIS TURNED OUT TO BE SO LONG.

My daughter is 4 years old. I have been broken up with her father since before birth. For her first year her father didnt take advantage of his visitation, missing more visits than he made. Then her father was absent for approx 1.5 years of her life (6 months jail/1 year voluntary) and returned a year ago when she was turning 3. He said that he wanted to see her so I went to mediation with him and agreed to 2 weekdays and 2 weekends per month for him. Since his return she has been very tense and resistant before and after his visits.

My relationship with the father is not a very good one. He both verbally and physically abused me in the past (no police reports, I was young and scared) and has also subjected our daughter to behaviors such as spitting on us, ripping her from my arms, calling me a shi..ty mother, wh..re and sl..t in front of her, etc. He has admitted to using visits as a way just to see me and start arguments. We now meet at the police station for our safety so those incidents have been scaled back. He does continue to call me filthy names while he has her in his care, and she comes home very upset about him calling me a bi..ch among other things. I dont really care what he calls me anymore but I dont think it is good for the child.

She also has had some behavior and emotional issues pop up on the days following his visits such as wetting her pants (she is fully potty trained), nightmares involving him, crying before his visits, not wanting to call him daddy, sucking her thumb, not listening at school, etc. I have explained to him what she is going thru now and also what issues this could lead to in the future such as drugs, alcohol, depression, poor self esteem, sex, etc. I have contacted him at least 25 times over the last year via email (primary communication bc of verbal abuse) expressing my concerns and asking for his thoughts, opinions, changes that could be made, anything to help her adjust, be happy, and feel secure. Almost every attempt goes ignored by him, and if I do get a reply he only takes the time to say something to the effect of "You Are A Fuc..ing Psycho" as he has said most recently. He refuses to coparent with me and the only thoughts I have gotten from him over the last 1+ year on the topic is that it is "all my fault" and she needs to just "deal with it."

My daughter is also an asthmatic and has a weakened immune system. When she was with him last she had alot of "coughing and couldnt breathe" (her words) but he didnt do anything about it. He also didnt even tell me that she had what Im guessing was an asthma attack, I didnt find out until the next day from her. I asked him what happened but he ignored me again. He continues to smoke around her which sets her asthma off and the court order says that he isnt supposed to, but there is no way to prove it in court.

She has also told me a few times that he hasnt fed her. He finally admitted to it this time after questioning the next day but he didnt tell me this at dropoff so that I could make sure she ate, even though it was already her bedtime. If I didnt ask or she didnt tell me, she would have went to sleep without any food. He said he doesnt need to tell me those kinda things.

Add all these actions and behaviors up and I feel like I cant trust her father at all to provide a safe, secure, or healthy environment. Am I crazy or does all this sound like it is not in the best interests of the child? Would a judge take any of this seriously and change visitation or will it just be dismissed? I really dont know what to do right now.

He sounds like a bad parent and a bad co-parent. Unfortunately, with the exception of not taking her asthma seriously and still smoking around the child, he is unfortunately allowed to be a bad parent.

I did however, see a clever way, in a case, to prove that a parent was smoking around a child when the parent was not supposed to do so.

The other parent immediately took the clothes that the child came home in, and sealed them in a large zip lock bag. The parent did that several times and then took the sealed bags to court and let the judge open them. The clothing reeked of cigarette smoke and that was enough to get the parent seriously sanctioned and visitation reduced.

 

[Proserpina]

He sounds like a bad parent and a bad co-parent. Unfortunately, with the exception of not taking her asthma seriously and still smoking around the child, he is unfortunately allowed to be a bad parent.

I did however, see a clever way, in a case, to prove that a parent was smoking around a child when the parent was not supposed to do so.

The other parent immediately took the clothes that the child came home in, and sealed them in a large zip lock bag. The parent did that several times and then took the sealed bags to court and let the judge open them. The clothing reeked of cigarette smoke and that was enough to get the parent seriously sanctioned and visitation reduced.

That scares me. It really does. All that does is prove that the clothing was exposed to cigarettes - it does NOT prove that the child was even in the other parent's custody at the time let alone that the parent was smoking around the child or even if the child was wearing the clothing!

So if I wanted to set up my (smoker) ex I could leave kiddo's clothing with my smoker neighbor till they're all nice and rank with Eau De Baccy, seal 'em in a zip lock and march into court...is that really what happened?

 

[lostd93]

He sounds like a bad parent and a bad co-parent. Unfortunately, with the exception of not taking her asthma seriously and still smoking around the child, he is unfortunately allowed to be a bad parent.

Really? He can ignore my requests even though it says he needs to communicate in the CO? He can degrade me and fill her head with nasty thoughts while she is with him? He can ignore the developmental regressions she is having? He can ignore coparenting with no sanction? He doesnt need to feed our daughter? He doesnt need to tell me when she has an asthma attack?

None of this is considered detrimental to the best interests of the child? If not, the system is seriously flawed.

 

[Proserpina]

Really? He can ignore my requests even though it says he needs to communicate in the CO? He can degrade me and fill her head with nasty thoughts while she is with him? He can ignore the developmental regressions she is having? He can ignore coparenting with no sanction? He doesnt need to feed our daughter? He doesnt need to tell me when she has an asthma attack?

None of this is considered detrimental to the best interests of the child? If not, the system is seriously flawed.

That's not what was said.

How much of this can you prove? Can you prove that your daughter's developmental regressions aren't because of your actions?

 

[Rushia]

That scares me. It really does. All that does is prove that the clothing was exposed to cigarettes - it does NOT prove that the child was even in the other parent's custody at the time let alone that the parent was smoking around the child or even if the child was wearing the clothing!

So if I wanted to set up my (smoker) ex I could leave kiddo's clothing with my smoker neighbor till they're all nice and rank with Eau De Baccy, seal 'em in a zip lock and march into court...is that really what happened?

Agreed, My ex's oldest child's mother attempted that. She lived with a smoker and we lived with my parents at the time and were not ALLOWED to smoke in the house. She even went a step further and rubbed them in her cat box. Luckily, a great GAL was assigned to his case and he saw right through her.

If I was the parent in the case Ldij described, I would have appealed that decision immediately.

 

[Proserpina]

Agreed, My ex's oldest child's mother attempted that. She lived with a smoker and we lived with my parents at the time and were not ALLOWED to smoke in the house. She even went a step further and rubbed them in her cat box. Luckily, a great GAL was assigned to his case and he saw right through her.

If I was the parent in the case Ldij described, I would have appealed that decision immediately.

Me too - I'm astonished (and disturbed) that it could actually be allowed to happen.

 

[Rushia]

Me too - I'm astonished (and disturbed) that it could actually be allowed to happen.

When he brought the clothes over to us, I laughed so hard I thought I was going to wet myself. Mom never even sent clothes with the child. We had to change her and wash the stuff to put on her to go back home after her weekend visit. Any "smell" was deliberately put on those clothes.

 

[lostd93]

That's not what was said.

How much of this can you prove? Can you prove that your daughter's developmental regressions aren't because of your actions?

All I saw is that he sounds like a bad parent and he is allowed to be that. I didnt see any other options pointed out to me except bagging up smokey clothes, please point them out to me if I missed them.

As for what can be proved, that is always the difficult part I guess, thats why I came here for help to see if anything I had was valid. I went over most of this in my original post but...

- I have saved all emails along with the "delivery receipts" showing that he read and did not reply to them, which he is court ordered to do.

- I have emails of him calling me nasty names along with my daughter telling me that he does the same when she is with him.

- She has nightmares about him hurting people in her family, only the days just after a visit.

- Potty regressions only the days just after a visit.

- Trouble at school only the days just after a visit.

- I have emails saying that he doesnt have to tell me if he doesnt feed her or has asthma attacks when with him.

- I have emails saying that she should just "deal with" all the problems she is having and is not willing to engage a therapist to help or consider anything a therapist would even say. He is not interested in discussing any of the long-term affects such as drugs, sex, depression, that this situation may cause.

- I suppose you could try to make the case that my actions are causing it but I would be very willing to go thru therapy or take any actions necessary for her well-being. He certainly wouldnt have any proof of me doing anything negative to/with/about him or her unless he started making up outrageous lies. I also have a number of emails trying to talk to him, I talk as civil and calmly as possible and basically beg for him to address some of these things with me and help her.

- I have also read about the affects of parental separation and reentry. The behaviors she has been displaying seem to go hand in hand with everything I have read. These issues started almost immediately after he reappeared in her life and happens now mostly on the days directly following his visits.

Those are just a few things off the top of my head that could start to prove or show patterns about his parenting. I really dont know how else to prove anything...besides emails, how do you get past he said/she said?

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

Just an idea, but you do the exchanges at the police department. Is there any way that you can have a police officer help you document the clothes? I don't know if thats abusing the system or what not, just an idea.

 

[Proserpina]

Just an idea, but you do the exchanges at the police department. Is there any way that you can have a police officer help you document the clothes? I don't know if thats abusing the system or what not, just an idea.

This doesn't prove that Dad was smoking around the child.

 

[CJane]

Just an idea, but you do the exchanges at the police department. Is there any way that you can have a police officer help you document the clothes? I don't know if thats abusing the system or what not, just an idea.

They already meet at the police department.

OP ~ You can't make dad not be an a-hole. Just can't. Yes, he's technically in contempt of the legal custody provisions if he's refusing to communicate and co-parent. But it's my experience that the courts really don't tend to sanction that as much as they do physical custody provisions.

Your true best bet is to get the child into counseling, via court order if necessary.

 

[lostd93]

OP ~ You can't make dad not be an a-hole. Just can't. Yes, he's technically in contempt of the legal custody provisions if he's refusing to communicate and co-parent. But it's my experience that the courts really don't tend to sanction that as much as they do physical custody provisions.

Your true best bet is to get the child into counseling, via court order if necessary.

Trust me I already know he is an "a-hole" and that he will never be anything different. But not feeding a child and not relaying messages, or taking actions, regarding a childs medical condition falls far beyond being an a-hole to me. Those actions alone seem to be very neglectful and detrimental to a childs well-being. There is no therapy session that can cure that.

 

[CJane]

Trust me I already know he is an "a-hole" and that he will never be anything different. But not feeding a child and not relaying messages, or taking actions, regarding a childs medical condition falls far beyond being an a-hole to me. Those actions alone seem to be very neglectful and detrimental to a childs well-being. There is no therapy session that can cure that.

Ok then. Go get a consult with a local attorney so that THEY can tell you that you don't have grounds to modify custody or visitation.

 

[Proserpina]

Trust me I already know he is an "a-hole" and that he will never be anything different. But not feeding a child and not relaying messages, or taking actions, regarding a childs medical condition falls far beyond being an a-hole to me. Those actions alone seem to be very neglectful and detrimental to a childs well-being. There is no therapy session that can cure that.

This is why continued, regular therapy sessions are recommended.

They are also very handy at documenting certain things...such as your contention that some of the problems happen only after being with Dad. You might want to keep that in mind.