I've really had it

[Miranda79]

Sounds like a bad situation here. I sympathize with your daughter, because I had a stepmom from he11 too and it was not fun. She did not want us around and particularly one year on Easter, went to visit my dad (who I never ever saw) and stepmom came home (not knowing we'd be there) and started slamming doors, throwing a fit, wanted us to leave and refused to drive us home since my father did not have a car at the time. My father walked us home to another town, miles and miles away. This woman was also the homewrecker that destroyed our parents marriage and was ten years younger than my father. She hated us and was having her son call my dad, dad. I didn't get to see my father much at all and in fact, didn't have a relationship with him til I was 18 and he divorced her.

You seem like a great mom who really cares about what's best for your daughter. It is good that you have open communication with the father about what's best for her. It sounds like stepmom wants to interfere with his relationship with his daughter and that's why she's making your daughter out to be the problem, because she doesn't want her around or to be a priority to him over her kids. She treats your daughter differently and it isn't right.

I think that going out with her dad every so often to do things away from the stepmom is a great idea if he would be willing to do that. I wish I could've done things with my father when I was younger, but it wasn't up to me. He had his own life.

 

[frylover]

Do you plan to talk to the family of and take to court every person your daughter doesn't get along with? Sounds like there is a personality conflict. SM isn't abusing your daughter. I agree she's not being very nice, but no one is required to be nice to your princess. Sounds like Dad is on the right track by having both SM and daughter to deal with each other and hopefully work out their relationship.

I doubt the OP wants to start a court battle with everyone who doesn't worship the ground "her princess" walks on That was a bit over the top.

I absolutely think Dad SHOULD require that stepmonster treat HIS child with a little common decency. When a parent stands by and lets the new spouse treat HIS child like an unwanted, unwelcome intrusion, HE is the one with the problem, not the child. What kind of a man stands by and says nothing while his wife mistreats his child. And it sounds as if she IS being mistreated. I am a teacher and I guarantee I'd get fired to talking to a child like this witch talks to this child....and I'd DESERVE it! So, just because she's stepmom, it's somehow OK?

Did it occur to you that maybe stepmommy really does just intensely resent and dislike this child. Maybe stepmommy doesn't WANT to "work it out" and really would just like her out of her life and family. Unless you think the OP is lying, the trouble seemed to start when stepmommy was told she wasn't mom and to back off, and when she had kids of her own. You say it sounds like a "personality conflict", I think it sounds like stepmommy has her own "perfect children" to mold and no longer has any use for this child.

Her father's home SHOULD be a place where she feels safe and loved and wanted. I don't believe that dad should stand by and watch his daugher being treated this way under the guise of "letting them work it out" because he doesn't have the cajones to tell his wife not to be such a hateful beyotch to his child.

 

[frylover]

OP,
Just wanted to offer another side of the story to maybe help put things into perspective for you. My SD and I are having some "personality conflicts" right now too. She and I have been attached at the hip for six years, but we have been on each other's nerves for about two months. SD will be 12 in a couple of months. Since I came into her life, she has grown up and matured in some ways (she is an accomplished horse rider) and stayed a child in other ways (STILL can't convince that kid to shower everyday).

I feel like SD isn't stepping up to my expectations, and it makes me frustrated. I put out a lot of myself (emotionally, financially, physically) to my SD, and lately I feel like it's being taken for granted. Her dad and I have had to take her off her pedestal we put her on. We have really had our eyes opened in the last few weeks that SD rules the roost at our house, and we need to change that fast!

I am sure my SD feels very much like your daughter. My SD doesn't like the fact that she isn't in charge anymore and that she and I have a strained relationship, and her mom tells me how upset SD is about that. But Mom has decided to stay out of the conflict and let Dad deal with it. Dad is so grateful (and so am I) to know that Mom trusts him (and me!) enough to handle this without taking sides. Dad and Mom discuss SD's issues via email on a regular basis. Mom makes suggestions; sometimes Dad takes them. But I cannot even IMAGINE SD's mom talking to Dad's family or taking him to court over this. It's a Mom and Dad issue and Mom and Dad are dealing with it.

Please afford Dad the same courtesy you would expect if you were in a conflict with your daughter. Step back. Let him handle the problems in his home. Make suggestions if you like, but don't be offended if he doesn't take all of them. If SM does abuse your daughter in anyway, take action. But until then, be patient.

SO, when's the last time you got snotty because your stepchild wanted to sit by HER daddy at dinner? Punched at her for falling asleep on HER daddy's shoulder? Told her she was the worst kid you knew? I'll bet you don't do things like that, do you? If an adult in my life treated MY kid like that I'd kick his you-know-what to the curb! The difference between your situation and the OP's seems to be that dad has admitted his wife is not treating his daughter right, but would rather allow it than deal with the conflict and discomfort it might cause HIM to deal with...and that's wrong! He's decided the new wifey and new kids are more important.

People here are always so quick to blame all the conflict on the CHILDREN. It's almost as if the children are expected to act more like adults than the adults.

 

[The_Non-Mom]

Frylover - I am not going to agree or disagree with you. The truth is we don't know what the situation is really. We only know what OP knows and believes to be true. If SM is really mistreating the daughter, then yes, Dad needs to handle it.

BUT this isn't about what Dad needs to do. We aren't advising Dad. We're advising Mom. And I think that the advice to Mom should be to encourage Dad to take action but not get her undies in a bunch if he doesn't do it.

Just like the seniors say time and time again - any parent has a legal right to be a parent, even if it's a bad one.

 

[Miranda79]

I doubt the OP wants to start a court battle with everyone who doesn't worship the ground "her princess" walks on That was a bit over the top.

I absolutely think Dad SHOULD require that stepmonster treat HIS child with a little common decency. When a parent stands by and lets the new spouse treat HIS child like an unwanted, unwelcome intrusion, HE is the one with the problem, not the child. What kind of a man stands by and says nothing while his wife mistreats his child. And it sounds as if she IS being mistreated. I am a teacher and I guarantee I'd get fired to talking to a child like this witch talks to this child....and I'd DESERVE it! So, just because she's stepmom, it's somehow OK?

Did it occur to you that maybe stepmommy really does just intensely resent and dislike this child. Maybe stepmommy doesn't WANT to "work it out" and really would just like her out of her life and family. Unless you think the OP is lying, the trouble seemed to start when stepmommy was told she wasn't mom and to back off, and when she had kids of her own. You say it sounds like a "personality conflict", I think it sounds like stepmommy has her own "perfect children" to mold and no longer has any use for this child.

Her father's home SHOULD be a place where she feels safe and loved and wanted. I don't believe that dad should stand by and watch his daugher being treated this way under the guise of "letting them work it out" because he doesn't have the cajones to tell his wife not to be such a hateful beyotch to his child.

I couldn't agree more! Someone needs to stand up for this child since her father doesn't and by all means should. Not only is stepmom disrespecting his daughter, she's disrespecting him by treating his daughter as less important than the other children and any man who's going to stand by and watch that happen, isn't a man at all!

The fact that OP is concerned is good, atleast someone is! As OP stated earlier, she is concerned how this is affecting her daughter's self-esteem. That is something mom has every right to discuss with dad.

 

[Nevergrowup]

First let me say, I appreciate all perspectives, so thank you The Non Mom and Frylover.

Truth is, this has been happening for YEARS now...in fact, since I refused to speak to stepmom anymore and let her control the situation, and that was several years ago. I did not involve myself whatsoever for a couple of years, even though it was escalating...in fact, for a while, I told my daughter not to talk to me about it, to talk to DAD, but she wouldn't because she was afraid to 1)hurt his feelings and 2) he tells stepmom everything and then she catches heck from her.

I figured his house, he will deal with it. But he hasn't. And each story gets worse. Each weekend is more and more painful for daughter. So many months ago, I spoke with him about it. I asked him how he would feel if my husband was doing that to daughter. He said he would try to fix it, and that he knew there is a problem.

Since then, he has done nothing, and this woman is verbally abusing our child. She is called a liar (as a preteen, she would lie to them, to try to make them happy and stay on stepmom's good side, which was a bad way to handle it and she stopped years ago), a horrible teenager, "raccoon" because she wears eyeliner (I told her if it bothers stepmom so much to not wear makeup there!), that her hair is too like her mother's (me), that she is just like her mother (me), that she is manipulative, that all she wants to do is be with her friends, that she doesn't care about her sisters and brothers in that family, all she cares about are the sibs at my house, she is awful because she doesn't have pics of them on daughter's facebook (she has none of us either, btw, only one of one sister and a pet). She tells her own children that daughter doesn't like their house, and doesn't want to be there (in front of daughter). On and on and on. This child was grounded, including no cell phone, and still wanted to stay at home over going to be with stepmom (again, dad was working). She's been crying at school saying stepmom hates her. She hears stepmom talking on the phone, or at parties, right in front of daughter telling people she hates daughter's hair, she looks like an eggplant, she is a racoon, things like "guess what (daughter's name) did today".

As I indicated in my title, I have had ENOUGH. My ex admits it and frylover hit the nail on the head, he doesn't want to deal with the aftermath if he tries to fix the problem. HER OWN FAMILY has said to my daughter to "hang in there".

Non Mom, you talk of expectations. I do think that you have something there, but in daughter's case, she is apparently expected to be something she can never be...controlled by stepmom. This is a woman that freaks out if she doesn't know exactly what is happening, and she married a man that is habitually late and doesn't tell her what is going on, and she has no rights to our daughter, so she freaks often. When we were on speaking terms, she admitted she was seeing a therapist because of her control issues (um, not fixed). When daughter was little, and malleable, and stepmom didn't have children, they were tight. Daughter spoke only of stepmom, never dad, and stepmom was in pretend mommy heaven. When she wasn't able to call the shots anymore, and she had her own kids around the same time, the love fest ended.

Honestly, I have stepped back and given dad ample opportunity to handle it himself, and he has done nothing but contine to leave her with stepmom when they both hate it. If this was just beginning, then I would say Non Mom had a decent point, but it has been escalating, and the couple physical contacts (shoulder punch, however lightly, and jacket thrown in face) makes me think it is getting worse. Dad used to try to blame them both, saying "they both have their issues", and I asked him, "who is the adult?". He has since then admited that daughter is not at fault, that his wife is, but he doesn't know what to do about it. He never answers me when I ask what he would do if my husband was treating our daughter this way. This woman works with children, by the way, isn't that wonderful?

Thanks to Miranda too...we posted close to the same time

 

[gr8rn]

You have every right to be angry and what you said about it crossing over to physical abuse, is something that should be noted.

The only thing I would say differently to Dad, is to tell him to let his wife know that if she EVER assaulted my daughter again whether it be a punch, or a coat in the face, that I would be pressing charges and obtaining an order of protection.

 

[MichaCA]

After reading your posts, I really like the idea of counseling for your daughter. One, she deserves it, two, somehow or another it may be the step that gets some kind of positive movement happening in this situation.

Even though he is passive, its a real positive dad admits there is a problem. In that area, what would happen if you got a court order (or not, if can do by agreement with dad) to attend several months of coparent counseling together? I know as far as the courts go, they would love it as its a solution to a sticky problem. That way, you can discuss the problems with a professional support person, and dad can only hide his head for so long about the abuse going on with his wife and his daughter.

 

[Nevergrowup]

The only thing I would say differently to Dad, is to tell him to let his wife know that if she EVER assaulted my daughter again whether it be a punch, or a coat in the face, that I would be pressing charges and obtaining an order of protection.

I said something similar...I just told him that she needs not to touch our daughter, and that I am going to have a serious problem if she does it again. He kind of explained it away like she just "tossed" the jacket to daughter and it was just kind of a laying of a hand on the shoulder for them to wake up. Whatever. I repeated that if she does it again, I'm going to have a severe problem with it. She runs a school for goodness sake...why does she think she has a right to do anything remotely physical to my child? I wouldn't fling a jacket in any child's face!

 

[Nevergrowup]

After reading your posts, I really like the idea of counseling for your daughter. One, she deserves it, two, somehow or another it may be the step that gets some kind of positive movement happening in this situation.

Even though he is passive, its a real positive dad admits there is a problem. In that area, what would happen if you got a court order (or not, if can do by agreement with dad) to attend several months of coparent counseling together? I know as far as the courts go, they would love it as its a solution to a sticky problem. That way, you can discuss the problems with a professional support person, and dad can only hide his head for so long about the abuse going on with his wife and his daughter.

Counseling for her is not a bad idea, and perhaps if I take that step dad will realize I am extra super serious (he always thinks I'll just let things go after I speak of it, which is usually the case). I'm concerned about her self esteem and sense of worth, so counseling might be a very good idea.

Coparent counseling...in theory, that sounds good. I see logistical issues though. We are at least 45 minutes apart, more in peak times, and are on opposite schedules, not to mention his four children and my other three. Honestly, we AGREE. Getting him to act is the problem. Coparenting sessions would probably consist of him still agreeing, with a lot of logistical problems to deal with on top of this situation. I also don't think he would do it because stepmom would freak. I think she might think I still want him (lol). She has major issues since he cheated on her, which I completely understand, but she still chose to have two more children with him after that so my sympathy is limited.

Let me put it this way...he isn't allowed to have an email address. We can't correspond by email regarding our daughter, because all he is allowed to give me is HER email address, which clearly won't fly. So, she gets crazed because she doesn't know what is going on with daughter's schedule, he never remembers despite me printing him copies, and her schedule is nuts with cheer and choir. So every weekend she goes over there, stepmom is angry right off the bat. Funny, because if he had email, he would be informed of everything in writing and she would know what was going on! I am NOT going to email him at her email address. I believe she hates it that my ex and I get along with no interference from her (before, it was awful because she was involved).

Honestly, I kind of like dad, sometimes. He and I were friends for a long time during the early years of her life, and we speak very cordially. Daughter got some great qualities from him, and I still respect him as her father...I try hard to be sympathetic to him living with a looney toons, but he chose her! Sigh. This whole thing makes me tired.

 

[Gum_Drop]

as your daughter is getting older is she looking more and more like you?

perhaps SM issues are not with daughter at all, but just what she THINKS she is seeing in her face.

 

[Isis1]

as your daughter is getting older is she looking more and more like you?

perhaps SM issues are not with daughter at all, but just what she THINKS she is seeing in her face.

ugh. that just makes stepmom MORE disgusting as far as i am concerned.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Remember that he CHEATED on his wife. That the wife won't let him have an email address is because of a lack of trust in THEIR relationship. Obviously, I recommend counseling for them, but that's their deal.

Truly, your X sounds like my ex - passive to the point of a passive agressive.

As for the counseling, if you WANT it, you can make it happen - might have to get creative.

As for the counseling for kiddo - I highly recommend it. It will help deal with HER feelings and possibly teach her ways to work with stepmom.

Think of this from her perspective:
- money out of the family budget to pay for child support
- reminder that she is NOT mom to this child
- dealing with a kiddo that is NOT hers but that technically she can't discipline, but dad isn't there
- that he is a lying cheat and why is it that his daughter thinks he's the best thing from sliced bread
- resentfulness that she has all this extra work with no returns

We can all say that yes, she KNEW that he had children prior to her, but that requires adult feelings. Sometimes our inner brat comes out and we don't always think adult-like. Mind you, I'm not approving of the behaviour; this is more a matter of gathering the insight to the situation to find a solution.

 

[CJane]

as your daughter is getting older is she looking more and more like you?

Perhaps sm issues are not with daughter at all, but just what she thinks she is seeing in her face.

ding ding ding!!!!

 

[Mamie]

as your daughter is getting older is she looking more and more like you?

perhaps SM issues are not with daughter at all, but just what she THINKS she is seeing in her face.

I mainly lurk but had to log in to reply to this.

OP, your daughter needs counseling yesterday. I lived with this stepmom for over 10 years. I could have written your daughters story. From the initial bonding to the cool off period to escalating to abuse. However, there were no bruises to point to, nothing I could show anyone to prove I was being abused. Your daughter is lucky in that she has you to stand up for her. My mother wasn't around much then and like your daughter, my father would admit it but would say he had no idea what to do. So I was left with her, constantly. From 12 on she made comments daily from my appearance to my morals. She flung stuff in my face, she destroyed my property. She rolled her eyes and sighed if I so much entered the same room as her. Apparently I breathe too loudly and don't walk fast enough to get out of the way of the tv.

So you think at 18 it magically ends? No, it doesnt. I've spent the past 10 years in therapy on and off trying to figure out why I pick emotionally unavailable men or abusive ones. Why I am drawn to people that act like they hate me. I've spent a lot of time wondering why I make these choices in my life that are obviously detrimental. But it is what I know, what was allowed to happen to me, it became the only comfortable way I knew how to live. Anyway, don't let that happen to your daughter.

I know your daughter said she wants to see the sibling from her Dads house, I wanted to as well. But as we are all getting older all it did was show them that I was a person that could be treated badly. I still love them, but their mother did a number on them in regards to relationships with people. I would not be surprised if these children will start treating your daughter the same, afterall their mother does it.