Seeking Advice on Custody When No One Is Married

[Proserpina]

I will share the wine with you in spirit tonight, my greek goddess friend. I've got this last week of studying before finals. Tonight is another night of cramming but I might sneak in a post or two when the material about estate returns gets too dry and boring though

btw...where is the other greek goddess been today. She hasn't split on us again, has she???

Your wine will be waiting for you

(and she best hadn't have split...I'll be quite cross!)

 

[TheGeekess]

I will share the wine with you in spirit tonight, my greek goddess friend. I've got this last week of studying before finals. Tonight is another night of cramming but I might sneak in a post or two when the material about estate returns gets too dry and boring though

btw...where is the other greek goddess been today. She hasn't split on us again, has she???

I thought Isis was an Egyptian goddess....
Isis - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Yep. The mind still remembers some of the different pantheons.

(My given name means Moon Goddess.... and it has Greek roots. )

 

[Proserpina]

I thought Isis was an Egyptian goddess....
Isis - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Yep. The mind still remembers some of the different pantheons.

(My given name means Moon Goddess.... and it has Greek roots. )

My roots are sadly much grayer than their more lengthy reddish longer bits would attest..

Le sigh. I needs me some mo' L'Oreal

The wine's on me tonight. Chardonnay?

 

[sweetheart_sec]

Girl,
go get a court order!! That way no one will have problems

I'm all for that... Although, he has never followed any rules set by anyone. I am scared that if we do go to court, once he gets her- he will "run." Not caring what laws he may break.

 

[sweetheart_sec]

...and so not relevant. Really...it's not.

He's the father of the child. He has a right to file in court to get a court order allowing him to exercise his parental rights and duties.

That's all that matters.

No not relevant to the issue... but was the reason, why he asked for a DNA test.

I am not saying, he doesn't have any rights... not at all. I am upset that he would try to "take" custody from me. He states that me earning a degree and working, is unfit for her. I don't know how- but this is what he claims. That I should be at home with her, and not worry about school. "What's the point?" He will ask. I have asked him, repeatedly for us to go to court in the past (before school)- but he said that "he's not interested in what those idiots have to tell him about his child." So I left it alone, thinking that he was ok with how things were.

 

[sweetheart_sec]

If you get court papers, then worry. Until a judge says otherwise, you have sole custody (regardless of his name on the birth certificate, an unmarried mother automatically has sole custody until a court rules otherwise). If you DO get court papers, you should get a lawyer. If he asks, he will probably get a court-ordered visitation schedule, but you will have his contact information from the court papers and you can ask that he be ordered to maintain open communication with you (make sure you have a working phone number and/or email address for him) and keep his address on file with the courts.

But it doesn't sound like he has any intention of going near a courtroom, so there's no need to worry until he proves otherwise.

This is what I have basically been told by alot of people. I just worry if I am doing the right thing... always. I suppose that's any parent. But what scares me the most, is how irrational he is. For example, he shows up yesterday at our daughter's school, with new girlfriend (he's also married by the way). He started becoming angry with the teacher- when she asked him for identification (first time he had been to her school/ classroom). The teacher said she was going to call the police- but my daughter ran straight up to him. So she just watched. He stayed for about 5 minutes (as always) and then goes to leave. When my daughter asked him why... He kneels down to tell her, "Your momma is mean and won't let me see you." And then he kissed her on her head and leaves. All of this was seen and heard by the teacher.

(I'm highly upset that he would tell our daughter, his opinion of me... I have done extremely well not saying anything bad about him to her, or even around her.)

I reached him through a family member later on and he completely denies seeing her yesterday. Why lie about that? This bothers me.

 

[4children]

This is what I have basically been told by alot of people. I just worry if I am doing the right thing... always. I suppose that's any parent. But what scares me the most, is how irrational he is. For example, he shows up yesterday at our daughter's school, with new girlfriend (he's also married by the way). He started becoming angry with the teacher- when she asked him for identification (first time he had been to her school/ classroom). The teacher said she was going to call the police- but my daughter ran straight up to him. So she just watched. He stayed for about 5 minutes (as always) and then goes to leave. When my daughter asked him why... He kneels down to tell her, "Your momma is mean and won't let me see you." And then he kissed her on her head and leaves. All of this was seen and heard by the teacher.

(I'm highly upset that he would tell our daughter, his opinion of me... I have done extremely well not saying anything bad about him to her, or even around her.)

I reached him through a family member later on and he completely denies seeing her yesterday. Why lie about that? This bothers me.

sweetheart_sec,
The advice given by the other posters are good advice (except the exception of one). Dad has all rights as you know to be a part of childs up-bringing. But, do not let him munipulate you. It, would be great if we as parents could co-parent without a third party, but it doesn't work for everyone. Get a court order and stop fearing him. It, maybe a bumpy ride at first, but it will get better. Your, daughter is only 5. There's to many more years to deal with this, without the Courts being involved. You stated that you were upset about dad trying to take custody. Please, stop fearing him and petition for Custody yourself. Because if he is threating you with this, he will well do it one day. (I'm telling you this from personal experience.)

 

[MichaCA]

May be a dumb question, but how does having a court order prevent a parent from taking off with a child?

It sounds like it was unclear advice the attorney gave you...what rights does the father have now? For example, CAN he really take off with the child and there are no repurcussions (with no court order as of now)?

It sounds like these questions are the crux of the matter to the OP - correct me if I'm wrong...you want the dad to be able to have visits, be involved, but you don't want him to run off with your child - right?

As far as his badmouthing you, there is not much you can do on that once dad gets unsupervised visits. I've been in court over 20 plus times (lost count) and just the other day daughter comes home telling me how her dad was telling her "you don't have to hate me because your mother does". I've been civil, attempted to coparent with him, encourage daughter to be more accepting of him...and after ten years theres' still this crap?

Thats stuff you cannot control, AND there is simply no crystal ball as to how things will work out with a court order or not...time will tell. As the last poster said well, expect it to be bumpy for a while. Personally, I think if you DO get a court order it will be better for the child to grow up with memories of her dad...alas, she is at a good age IMO only.

Maybe you need to talk to a different attorney and reask questions about dad absconding with child...what visitiation plan would he get...

 

[stealth2]

sweetheart_sec,
The advice given by the other posters are good advice (except the exception of one). Dad has all rights as you know to be a part of childs up-bringing. But, do not let him munipulate you. It, would be great if we as parents could co-parent without a third party, but it doesn't work for everyone. Get a court order and stop fearing him. It, maybe a bumpy ride at first, but it will get better. Your, daughter is only 5. There's to many more years to deal with this, without the Courts being involved. You stated that you were upset about dad trying to take custody. Please, stop fearing him and petition for Custody yourself. Because if he is threating you with this, he will well do it one day. (I'm telling you this from personal experience.)

Good Googly Moogly! If you don't know when to use a comma... just don't. Seriously.

 

[Just Blue]

Good Googly Moogly! If you don't know when to use a comma... just don't. Seriously.

At least that member ATTEMPTS to punctuate.

 

[ecmst12]

...just the other day daughter comes home telling me how her dad was telling her "you don't have to hate me because your mother does".

Oooh my dad used that line on me once (probably a few times in fact)! No dad, I figured out you were a jerk all on my own

 

[Isis1]

I thought Isis was an Egyptian goddess....
Isis - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Yep. The mind still remembers some of the different pantheons.

(My given name means Moon Goddess.... and it has Greek roots. )

she is egyptian ...

i'm here!! i just had the audacity to pull my butt off the chair and actually LEAVE the house this weekend!!

 

[Proserpina]

she is egyptian ...

i'm here!! i just had the audacity to pull my butt off the chair and actually LEAVE the house this weekend!!

Oh noez! I had to do that too - and TWICE in ONE day, no less!

(There was first the trip to Walmart..on a Saturday...two weeks before Christmas. I'll need at least a year's worth of therapy to get past that, but then...was t'other half's work Christmas Party. Great googly moogly...remind me to tell you about Cemetery Bunny!)

 

[goddessoflubboc]

And what would your job be?

Child support officer - interstate specialist.

 

[Proserpina]

When you got the court to order the child support did they not include the visitation order as well? It's customary to do them together even though one has nothing to do with the other (ie deadbeat parent is still entitled to visitation).

Why would you allow a man you know to be abusive take a little girl who has no idea who he is out of your sight for one minute?

PS to ecm - a single mother does not have automatic sole custody. If the father takes off with the kid and there is no order, he has just as much right to that child as the mother.

That is NOT true.

If the mother is unmarried, the biological father's signing the affidavit on the back of the birth certificate does not make him the legal father. Such a designation requires court action.

The unmarried mother, alleged father, or the minor child may file a complaint for establishing paternity. This filing must occur before the child reaches 18 years of age. If the court rules the man as the father, he is the biological and legal father. With the legal designation comes certain rights and responsibilities. He may sue for custody or visitation rights, but he may also be responsible for child support. The court may also declare the child as the father's legal heir.

Until Unmarried Dad actually goes to court to establish his rights, he does NOT have equal rights to the child and if he disappears with kiddo he's in MAJOR trouble.

(segment quoted from the Mississippi State Bar's website: http://www.msbar.org/10_child_custody.php?spot=520&archive=2 )