Question for Tinkerbelle

[luvisabattle]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Wa State

I am filing a motion for clarification and enforcement of our current parenting plan due the many issues that have come up since the plan was finalized Jan 09.

My ex has a major axe to grind and has been doing his best to cause as much conflict as he (and his wife) can cause. His new laywer supports the behavior and doesnt try to negotiate on any level.

As a result our seven year old daughter is constantly caught in the middle and used as a pawn to get back at me. I see the effects on her and it's making me crazy to watch her go through this.

My question to you is - what can I do to lessen the undermining hostility that comes up every time I have to try to communicate and/or negotiate with my ex and his wife? It will be awhile until the issues are cleared up in court and I just want to see if there's a trick to handling people in this type of situation?

Thanks for your help in advance (and anyone else who has anything to say!)

PS - I'm here to learn and welcome all points of view What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Wa State

I am filing a motion for clarification and enforcement of our current parenting plan due the many issues that have come up since the plan was finalized Jan 09.

My ex has a major axe to grind and has been doing his best to cause as much conflict as he (and his wife) can cause. His new laywer supports the behavior and doesnt try to negotiate on any level.

As a result our seven year old daughter is constantly caught in the middle and used as a pawn to get back at me. I see the effects on her and it's making me crazy to watch her go through this.

My question to you is - what can I do to lessen the undermining hostility that comes up every time I have to try to communicate and/or negotiate with my ex and his wife? It will be awhile until the issues are cleared up in court and I just want to see if there's a trick to handling people in this type of situation?

Thanks for your help in advance (and anyone else who has anything to say!)

PS - I'm here to learn and welcome all points of view What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

I am not Tinkerbelle, but I can tell you that its difficult to advise someone without having a little more of an idea what kinds of things are happening.

One thing though is that you should not be communicating/negotiating with his wife at all. She should not be a part of things.

 

[luvisabattle]

The main problem is with residential time. In our plan it states everyother weekend and then in the same paragraph it says 'so neither parent shall go for more than TWO WEEKS (uses the word 'week' insead of 'weekend') without spending time with the child' - My ex has decided that this refers to TIME and not weekends. Someone (not his lawyer) from his lawyer's office told him that since the verbiage doesn't say 'weekend' it's only time that is important. So for example if I have seen our daughter during the week, my weekend doesn't count and he can pick her up from school that Friday (which he has done)

and then at other times - when there's a special football game going on that weekend for instance - he doesn't pick her up at all.

It causes problems with my ability to plan and our daughter is stuck not knowing if she can do things we have planned or if her father is picking her up.

As far as his wife goes, my ex is a commercial pilot and is gone a lot. She does the exchanges and care taking probably 85% of the time our daughter is with them.

PS - My ex and his wife have a lot of chaos going on in thier home and our daughter begs to not have to go with them, I don't know if that matters or not...

 

[LdiJ]

The main problem is with residential time. In our plan it states everyother weekend and then in the same paragraph it says 'so neither parent shall go for more than TWO WEEKS (uses the word 'week' insead of 'weekend') without spending time with the child' - My ex has decided that this refers to TIME and not weekends. Someone (not his lawyer) from his lawyer's office told him that since the verbiage doesn't say 'weekend' it's only time that is important. So for example if I have seen our daughter during the week, my weekend doesn't count and he can pick her up from school that Friday (which he has done)

and then at other times - when there's a special football game going on that weekend for instance - he doesn't pick her up at all.

It causes problems with my ability to plan and our daughter is stuck not knowing if she can do things we have planned or if her father is picking her up.

As far as his wife goes, my ex is a commercial pilot and is gone a lot. She does the exchanges and care taking probably 85% of the time our daughter is with them.

PS - My ex and his wife have a lot of chaos going on in thier home and our daughter begs to not have to go with them, I don't know if that matters or not...

Please give us word for word what your plan states, rather than paraphrasing it. Also, who is that gets the every other weekend? Is that you, or dad? In other words, is dad denying your weekend parenting time, or is dad trying to take extra weekends from you?

 

[luvisabattle]

I have primary custody. He has her every other weekend. He's doing both, picking her up on my weekends and not picking her up when it should be his sporadically.

clause 3.9 PRIORITIES UNDER THE RESIDENTIAL SCHEDULE.

While using the alternating weekend plan and the holiday/special occasion schedule, if this results in one parent having the child 3 weekends in a row, the alternating weekend pattern will be adjusted so that neither parent goes without having time with the child for more than two weeks in a row.

thanks Ld

 

[LdiJ]

I have primary custody. He has her every other weekend. He's doing both, picking her up on my weekends and not picking her up when it should be his sporadically.

clause 3.9 PRIORITIES UNDER THE RESIDENTIAL SCHEDULE.

While using the alternating weekend plan and the holiday/special occasion schedule, if this results in one parent having the child 3 weekends in a row, the alternating weekend pattern will be adjusted so that neither parent goes without having time with the child for more than two weeks in a row.

thanks Ld

If he has been doing that because one of you got two weekends in a row due to a holiday or something like that and he is doing it to allow the schedule to adjust, then he isn't doing anything wrong.

However, if he is just up and taking your weekends, whenever he wants to take them, then he is NOT honoring the court orders.

Unfortunately I am still not clear as to when and why he is doing it.

However, I will tell you that one sure way to stop him picking up the child when he is not supposed to pick up the child, is to make sure that you pick her up first.

 

[luvisabattle]

right, on times when I have had her two weekends due to a holiday etc, he has not picked her up the following weekend. And then when it's reversed and he's had her for two weekends he's not meet me for the exchange the following weekend (the only time he could really pull that stunt is when he has her during the summer) stating that since I saw her during the week the weekend didnt count.

It's constant passive agressive little acts like this that are causing stress for mainly my daughter since she has to go back and forth between the two households.

I have said in the past 'you win xxxx, just tell me what my schedule is so that I can make plans...' and he refused to do that as well.

I don't know what to do to stop the waring. I want a stable life for our daughter. She's with her father right now for his portion of the winter break (I get her back tomorrow) and he has made it really difficult just to speak to her on the phone. For instance he was playing a loud computer game (this man is 39) and wouldn't let her walk to a different part of the room that was quieter so that I could hear her.

It makes me angry and frustrated. I want to get out of the cycle. I can't go on for the next 11 years in this manner.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I'm a firm believer in colour coded calendars - pink highlighter for you and blue for dad. And yes, I go for the obvious. I would start by pencilling in the holidays and who's they are. With that said, you know if that holiday will impact a rotation.

With a calendar, you can show when you choose to switch weekends because of life happenings.

I recommend that you keep schedule changes in WRITING. Keeps people honest.

As for dealing with the impossible, sometimes the less said is better. Oh, I complain at home and occasionally scream in the bathroom, but I work hard at NOT showing my emotions to my X. Won't give him the satisfaction of knowing that he got to me.

 

[luvisabattle]

Hey, thanks for the reply. We have the color coded calendar. The problems happen when he doesn't pick her up his weekend and then does the next. I change the dates and then we're ok until he wants to adjust again by not picking her up etc two weeks later. He doesnt say anything, he just does or does not pick her up.

I got a call from the school 12/5 saying that she was still waiting for her dad in the office. This was after I had her the two weekends (because of thanksgiving) prior. I had to leave work (making my boss witness yet another single mom issue) and then pick up a very confused little girl.

I don't know how to stop that behavior, he thinks he can just do whatever he wants.

 

[tornado88]

Okay, questions for seniors. Would this work for the OP? Make the color coded calender detailing the specific weekends and Holidays for each parent, then stick to it unless absolutely necessary to change. If dad skips one of his WE, to bad. The next WE is still mom's. He missed his time and has to wait for his next WE. After missing a couple of WE visits dad may change his tune. Right now he has mom jumping through hoops to fit his plans. Of course, if dad comes later on in his weekend mom would still have to hand the child over, but not if it was her WE. Please correct me if I am wrong.

 

[luvisabattle]

That would work for me!

, that sounds like a good plan.

 

[LdiJ]

, that sounds like a good plan.

Another option would be to tell dad that its his weekend, and that if he does not exercise it then he won't be seeing the child for another two weeks.

 

[luvisabattle]

Good point. It would be clear and would DOCUMENT.

I"ll add that in the motion I'm filing.

Thanks everyone. Just having a place to talk about it really helps.

 

[reportermom]

Hey, thanks for the reply. We have the color coded calendar. The problems happen when he doesn't pick her up his weekend and then does the next. I change the dates and then we're ok until he wants to adjust again by not picking her up etc two weeks later. He doesnt say anything, he just does or does not pick her up.

I got a call from the school 12/5 saying that she was still waiting for her dad in the office. This was after I had her the two weekends (because of thanksgiving) prior. I had to leave work (making my boss witness yet another single mom issue) and then pick up a very confused little girl.

I don't know how to stop that behavior, he thinks he can just do whatever he wants.

This shouldn't happen. When you get your order clarified, you should be able to plan the entire year out right there. (or when you buy a new calender.) Just because something comes up, the schedule should not change from that. The planning is all done as you are at court. Dad has been taking advantage of a willing co-parent and is playing games with the schedule. Just because Dad has chosen to forgo his weekend does not mean that he gets the next weekend. The two week time period is to prevent one parent from getting three weekends out of a month due to holidays and forcing the child to miss time with the other parent.

This does not preclude you from switching weekends OUTSIDE of the regular rotation for special occasions that occur. That would work by forcing you each to have two weeks in a row, such that you have two weeks, then dad has two weeks, (or vice versa) then it goes back to whatever was supposed to be happening as it was colored out in the original schedule.

I actually prefer having the weekend rotation specified as to who starts out with the weekend following court. This prevents many problems and confusion and preserves an enforceable order for the court and all the parties involved. I also insist on having orders written up before I leave the court house for the day.

Hope that helps you to be prepared for what to ask for in court!

 

[luvisabattle]

This shouldn't happen. When you get your order clarified, you should be able to plan the entire year out right there. (or when you buy a new calender.) Just because something comes up, the schedule should not change from that. The planning is all done as you are at court. Dad has been taking advantage of a willing co-parent and is playing games with the schedule. Just because Dad has chosen to forgo his weekend does not mean that he gets the next weekend. The two week time period is to prevent one parent from getting three weekends out of a month due to holidays and forcing the child to miss time with the other parent.

This does not preclude you from switching weekends OUTSIDE of the regular rotation for special occasions that occur. That would work by forcing you each to have two weeks in a row, such that you have two weeks, then dad has two weeks, (or vice versa) then it goes back to whatever was supposed to be happening as it was colored out in the original schedule.

I actually prefer having the weekend rotation specified as to who starts out with the weekend following court. This prevents many problems and confusion and preserves an enforceable order for the court and all the parties involved. I also insist on having orders written up before I leave the court house for the day.

Hope that helps you to be prepared for what to ask for in court!

That's what I'll request, I'm glad you said something. I think it's exactly what we need. Thanks