Bio moms calling step moms - NJ / PA

[Bethy]

Bio mom lives in NJ w/ boyfriend. Bio dad remarried. Dad and wife go to counseling for issues between them which include 11 year old daughter.

Bio mom left step mom a very nasty voicemail asking her to call and to tell her what the problems are. I don't even know how she knew we were in counseling for some of the girls issues. Bio mom said she is contacting lawyer and will guarantee daughter will never ever see her again (guess that means dad would have to move out for visitation?).

I don't want to call her back, but should I? MY issues with the daughter are not totally with her but with her dad's lack of parenting (stays in room all day, has no friends at our place, no boundaries or chores). I am VERY reserved/quiet (easily upset), bio mom is opposite.

 

[Ohiogal]

Bio mom lives in NJ w/ boyfriend. Bio dad remarried.

First of all quit being disrespectful. Bio mom is simply MOM. Bio dad is simply dad.

Dad and wife go to counseling for issues between them which include 11 year old daughter.

Their 11 year old daughter? Or the 11 year old child of dad and mom?

Bio mom

MOM

left step mom a very nasty voicemail asking her to call and to tell her what the problems are. I don't even know how she knew we were in counseling for some of the girls issues.

Have dad call her and tell her the issues with HER daughter.

Bio mom said she is contacting lawyer and will guarantee daughter will never ever see her again (guess that means dad would have to move out for visitation?).

The word is MOM not bio mom. Unless we can call stepmom nothing more than dad's new bed buddy. Stepmom is a legal stranger. Stepmom does NOT matter to this equation. Mom may have a case depending on what the ISSUES are between stepmom and daughter.

I don't want to call her back, but should I?

No. Your husband should call the mother of his child.

MY issues with the daughter are not totally with her but with her dad's lack of parenting (stays in room all day, has no friends at our place, no boundaries or chores).

No boundaries? Meaning what? If she stays in her room all day how is she breaking boundaries? How often is she there? What chores do you believe she should have?

I am VERY reserved/quiet (easily upset), bio mom is opposite.

Mom. The word is MOM not BIO MOM. No adoption has taken place. So she is MOM. You should stay out of the conversation. Why is mom calling you and not the father of her child?

 

[Bethy]

Sorry

I am a bio mom to 2 other children (now grown) and have gotten used to being defined as that. I apologize for ANY/ALL disrespect that may have shown.

The counseling is between dad and his wife (me). Counselor has suggested parental counseling between dad and mom but dad will not even broach that idea (he says mom will not go for it but has not asked). Mom and I have different opinions of appropriate clothing (I don't think an 11 yr old should be wearing makeup or having padded underwire bras....I'll stop there)

We have our own issues, but the 'no boundaries' have included her 'carving' in my own daughter's dresser as well as her own (saying sorry was supposed to be enough?), eats junk food whenever she wants and not eating real food the entire day (she has ADD). She can be in her room as much as 5 hours straight watching movie after movie while cutting up her clothes/doll clothes/hair, she is bored! She needs to have some structure (obviously totally my opinion) but dad feels she's fine - neither help me w/ cleaning/laundry (totally separate issue).

As for chores, she doesn't put her clothes up (or in the hamper) when done, has her own bathroom but doesn't clean up after herself, and dad even washes her hair or it doesn't get done as she 'plays' in the shower.

If the daughter doesn't want to come over (mom told dad that) I believe it's due to boredom and there really is little to look forward to and dad yelling (alot) at me. I'm a crier. Dad doesn't even want me to ask her to wash her hands before dinner. The stress between dad and me has gotten pretty bad. She is supposed to be with us 3 out of 4 weekends.

I can send you the transcribed message if you'd like.

 

[ecmst12]

You need to recognize that it is absolutely none of your business how dad chooses to parent his child and you participating in therapy between dad and child is SERIOUSLY overstepping. You shouldn't be engaging in ANY major disciplinary issues with her. Its entirely up to mom and dad how they want to raise their child. If you disagree with dad, you are free to discuss it with him in private, and he is free to take your advice - or not. If he wants to let her stay in her room during visitation, that's his choice and right as the parent. You are NOT a parent, you are a legal stranger, this is not your child and while you can be an authority figure in your home, you need to recognize your place.

 

[Bethy]

ok

Just one addition here. The counseling is for dad and me. The child is not involved at all. The counseling started as issues between dad and me and yes, we do get on the subject of the daughter as well as my older kids too. I have NEVER EVER disciplined her. I'm not even allowed to ask her to wash her hands. Yes, I feel tense seeing her eat w/ her hands but I say nothing.

OK, I'll butt out, but when damage is done to my property, I would like some say in it somewhere...no?

 

[Isis1]

Just one addition here. The counseling is for dad and me. The child is not involved at all. The counseling started as issues between dad and me and yes, we do get on the subject of the daughter as well as my older kids too.

OK, I'll butt out, but when damage is done to my property, I would like some say in it somewhere...no?

no. you don't get a say. what you can do, is pack up and leave.

if dad choses to allow the child to watch TV, thats his choice. if he choses to allow the child to never do chores, that's his choice. if he chooses to allow the child to never put clothes in the hamper, that's his choice. you have no viable options to force dad make his child do something YOU want the child to do.

 

[stealth2]

On a non-legal note... Since you feel the child is bored, have you considered finding things to do that she might enjoy? How about baking cookies together? Doing your nails? Going for a walk, riding bikes, etc? Making some popcorn and watching a movie together?

From the sounds of it, this girl is stuck with two pretty crappy parents (and really - was Dad "Father of the Year" while you were dating?). Maybe she could use an adult friend instead of another "parent".

Just something to think about.

 

[padmelupin]

OK, I'll butt out, but when damage is done to my property, I would like some say in it somewhere...no?

Not a legal opinion:

You get as much say as you would if it were your best friend's kid or your annoying neighbor's kid or any child in your home: if the child breaks something of yours, you talk to the parent about fixing it/paying for it. If the parent decides to discipline the child, ok. But, unfortunately, if your DH doesn't want to hear your opinion, you can't make him.

 

[Bethy]

responding to Stealth2

bingo. I've felt that way but mom's boyfriend (no kids of his own) is probably her best adult friend and dad does tell me I'm not bonding with her like HE does..yada yada.

I have taken her for her nails, go flip flop shopping, and even had her riding her bike while I walked the dog earlier on. I was the one who pushed (looked up places/phone #'s/recommendations etc.) for her to go to gymnastics, her only organized activity at either place. Dad has a anger problem and I admit I backed up from bonding when he would say stuff in front of her. She's really clingy w/ her dad and I sense since he sees me as a Fxxxshe probably does too. I sense since mom is seeking to legally have her never ever ever see me again, I'm not in high regards over there either.

I'm just a little concerned now what I might have been accused of that could have her legally kept from seeing me. We live in the place I had before meeting dad so I'm not packing up to go anywhere.

 

[stealth2]

bingo. I've felt that way but mom's boyfriend (no kids of his own) is probably her best adult friend and dad does tell me I'm not bonding with her like HE does..yada yada.

I have taken her for her nails, go flip flop shopping, and even had her riding her bike while I walked the dog earlier on. I was the one who pushed (looked up places/phone #'s/recommendations etc.) for her to go to gymnastics, her only organized activity at either place. Dad has a anger problem and I admit I backed up from bonding when he would say stuff in front of her. She's really clingy w/ her dad and I sense since he sees me as a xx she probably does too. I sense since mom is seeking to legally have her never ever ever see me again, I'm not in high regards over there either.

I'm just a little concerned now what I might have been accused of that could have her legally kept from seeing me. We live in the place I had before meeting dad so I'm not packing up to go anywhere.

I have to ask - why are you still married to him? Time to kick him to the curb and get on with your life.

 

[Ohiogal]

I have to ask - why are you still married to him? Time to kick him to the curb and get on with your life.

I was just going to say the same thing. Dad needs out. I notice from her history though that they were on the way to divorce last October.

 

[stealth2]

Bethy - the couples counseling is apparently not working. Drop that, get yourself into individual counseling to figure out why you'd pick and stick with a loser like this, and find yourself a good divorce lawyer. No one deserves to be treated that way.

 

[sometwo]

are you two also going to individual counseling along with the marriage counseling? It sounds like you need both to decide if this is really worth going on with or not.

 

[LdiJ]

I was just going to say the same thing. Dad needs out. I notice from her history though that they were on the way to divorce last October.

You know, that might explain why the child's mom is calling her rather than dad. If dad's "issues" are the reason why dad and mom are no longer together, mom could be concerned that its happening again and wants to hear it from stepmom.

Of course, its none of mom's business, but the thought just popped into my head.

 

[RRevak]

You know, that might explain why the child's mom is calling her rather than dad. If dad's "issues" are the reason why dad and mom are no longer together, mom could be concerned that its happening again and wants to hear it from stepmom.

Of course, its none of mom's business, but the thought just popped into my head.

Honestly, if stepmom is being told that mom is going to attempt to never allow her to see daughter again i'm not so sure this is coming from a place of concern. I'm personally wondering how badly this step-mother is being made to look in the eyes of mom whether it be by daughter alone or by both dad and daughter (which is even more cause for step-mom to toss dad his walking papers and move on)