Son wants to live with me

[buck_n_a]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

My son for the last couple of months has told me he wants to live with me and that he feels more at peace at my house. I told him that this is a big decision and he needs to be 100% sure that he wants to do this because it is a big deal. I said when he is 100% sure let me know and I will talk to his mom about it. For the most part his mom and I have been able to get along fine and have been able to work out visitation on our own etc without much drama. Since I have moved back to the state two years ago I see him almost every weekend and one night during the week.

Well that day came. He told me that he wants to go to school here next fall and he wants me to let mom know. Honestly, I am terrified of her reaction to this and how she is going to take it out on him and disrupt a mostly peaceful living situation for him, me and his mom. I am also worried that our ad-hoc visitation schedule in which I see him a lot more then the original judgment states since I was out of state will not be in place because she will be upset.

After doing a lot of research and asking of Sister In Laws former Law School classmates it seems the best approach would be to try to get an agreed change of residential parent and custodial parent signed. I could be wrong but I doubt she will think this is a good idea.

My hope is I can talk with her and let her know that I am willing to work out almost any type of visitation agreement and she will not care, but I honestly think she will be very concerned if she lost child support payments. If she does agree to change custody I would not seek and request the court not pursue child support payment from her.

My questions are :

- If she is not in agreement do I file a for a non-agreed change of residential parent papers? I assume that gets filed and the Judge will then appoint a GAL etc to review the situation etc.

- Does my change of residence constitute a change of circumstances?

- With my son being only 10 does his opinion matter to the court?

Thanks in advance to everyone who might have some insight and advise.

 

[TheGeekess]

18 years old (19 in a couple of other states) is the age of majority. Children do not get to choose where they live until then*. And just because he wants to live with you is not going to cut it in a court of law. Not in any state at the age of 10.

You've done more wrong than I care to cover, so I'll leave you to our resident Family Law Attorney/GAL who just happens to be from your home state of Ohio.

*It takes a significant change of circumstances in the child's life in just about every state to change custody, and it has to meet 'best interests' standards to top that.

 

[stealth2]

So what change of circumstances has occurred in *the child's* life. Not yours. HIS. In other words, your move isn't it.

And no, at 10, his opinion is unlikely to carry much weight.

 

[buck_n_a]

First, thanks for the replies and I understand that it does not matter what the child wants to make the court change its original order.

The poster who said I have done so much wrong. I am open for criticism so please feel free to show me what I have done wrong. At this point I have done nothing. I have not talked to his mom or pursued any action. Hence the reason I am asking for feedback who are close to Ohio Law or who have been in similar situations.

If the replies come back your idiot and you should ignore your sons request then it will have to be something for me to consider.

What has changed in his life. His mom has remarried and he claims that they are constantly fighting and it scares him when he is trying to sleep. He has told me he is afraid to ask for help with homework because his mom tells him he is 10 and needs to figure it out. He said she has threatened to punch him in the face because he misplaced his football jersey. There is a list of things he tells me, but how much is that a ten year old being upset with his mom vs what is really going on. So to answer what has changed with him. I am not 100% sure except he has been adamant about staying here with me.

As I have stated there is still peace and I have not talked to his mom yet. I guess the one reply stating I have done so many things wrong has taken me back a little bit as I see I have done nothing yet except tell my son I will talk to his mom.

 

[stealth2]

For starters - it is not a conversation you should have continued to have with your son. Nor should you have given him the slightest idea that he has a say in the matter. Because he doesn't.

You have also set his Mom up as the bad guy in his eyes if she says no.

You're right - what he's complained to you about may well be a 10yo annoyed with his mother and playing you off against her.

You frankly have nothing as a change in circumstance for the child.

 

[shesaidwhat]

You should have never told your son that he can choose where he wants to live. Not only is that not true, but you placed a lot of responsibility and burden on to that little boy. He now thinks that he has that power to use against the both of you, but more importantly, he probably feels that he HAS to choose. Not good to do to your child.

The grass is always greener, especially to a boy that age living with his mother. It would not be in his best interest to completely disrupt his life. Admit your mistake to him, apologize for putting him in that position, and make sure he knows that the current situation is what is best for him and he has NO choice in the matter. Those decisions are made in court by people trained to best make them, not by 10 year old boys.

You should be on Mom's team; the both of you working together to raise the son you share. Don't start splitting up now or you're sure to regret it later when he's no longer 10 and really figures out how he can manipulate the two of you against each other.

 

[buck_n_a]

Good points, and thanks to those who have offered their opinion. I was direct with my son and said that the court might not see it your way but I would be willing to talk to his mom to see if she would be ok with him going to school here.

As far as her being the bad guy there is a lot more to the story then what I laid out here. I didn't want to make this thread a bash his mom thread but there is enough evidence in my opinion to prove that I would be the better suited parent. In all honesty that is what I want to avoid, I mean her husband, mom, sister, and best friend could testify on my behalf on the majority of the claims.

Also, I looked at the divorce papers and it states that when I move back to the state of residence of the child it would be reviewed by the court as a change of circumstance. Since his mother and I have been able to work out for the most part the pareting duties I never went to the court to offically adjust visitation.

Bottom line is the boy wants to spend more time with me and I do not want to distrupt the "peace" I have his with his mother. I think maybe the best thing for me to do is hire a lawyer and request a shared parenting situation with 1 week there and 1 week here. That keeps him in the same school district and legally allows him to spend more time with me.

Hopefully this is something his mom and I can work out but I do not think ignoring his feelings and request is best in this situation. His strongest reasonings for wanting to come stay with me has been because of my stronger involement in his schooling, a better personal relationship and involvement with his extra curricular activities.

 

[Ohiogal]

First, thanks for the replies and I understand that it does not matter what the child wants to make the court change its original order.

The poster who said I have done so much wrong. I am open for criticism so please feel free to show me what I have done wrong. At this point I have done nothing. I have not talked to his mom or pursued any action. Hence the reason I am asking for feedback who are close to Ohio Law or who have been in similar situations.

If the replies come back your idiot and you should ignore your sons request then it will have to be something for me to consider.

What has changed in his life. His mom has remarried and he claims that they are constantly fighting and it scares him when he is trying to sleep. He has told me he is afraid to ask for help with homework because his mom tells him he is 10 and needs to figure it out. He said she has threatened to punch him in the face because he misplaced his football jersey. There is a list of things he tells me, but how much is that a ten year old being upset with his mom vs what is really going on. So to answer what has changed with him. I am not 100% sure except he has been adamant about staying here with me.

As I have stated there is still peace and I have not talked to his mom yet. I guess the one reply stating I have done so many things wrong has taken me back a little bit as I see I have done nothing yet except tell my son I will talk to his mom.

Do you have joint legal and physical custody or visitation?What proof do you have of the constant fighting in your son's home? A 10 year old does NOT choose. Don't talk to mom until you try other things. Such as, getting your child in counseling -- talk to mom about that.

 

[buck_n_a]

Ohiogal - Thank you for looking at this thread. I have reviewed all of your previous post and I appriciate the directness in which you reply.

Do you have joint legal and physical custody or visitation?

Joint Custody and pardon my ignorance on physical custody. I have joint custody but I believe she has physical custody.

What proof do you have of the constant fighting in your son's home?

Stories my son has told me, her current husband and her mother. In fact her mom told me that she had to kick her and husband out the other day and keep the kids because they were fighting.

A 10 year old does NOT choose

Agreed and another reason why I think talking to his mom first would help paint a better picture to what is actually going on and hopefully us deciding what is best for him. Prior posters have made valid points about letting this lead to him manipulating us later.

Don't talk to mom until you try other things. Such as, getting your child in counseling -- talk to mom about that.

Excellent idea. I am pretty confident that me bringing that up will lead to a lot of questions on her end as to why etc. I believe when those questions arise should I just state that he has some concerns that might be addressed by a neutral party?

 

[Ohiogal]

Ohiogal - Thank you for looking at this thread. I have reviewed all of your previous post and I appriciate the directness in which you reply.

Do NOT expect sugarcoating.

Joint Custody and pardon my ignorance on physical custody. I have joint custody but I believe she has physical custody.

Get out your court order and find out. IT MATTERS or I would NOT be asking.Find out the exact wording.

Stories my son has told me, her current husband and her mother. In fact her mom told me that she had to kick her and husband out the other day and keep the kids because they were fighting.

Her mother -- the maternal grandmother? That would be a witness.

Agreed and another reason why I think talking to his mom first would help paint a better picture to what is actually going on and hopefully us deciding what is best for him. Prior posters have made valid points about letting this lead to him manipulating us later.

yes it is possible. But it may not be something that NEEDS to be jumped to at this point.

Excellent idea. I am pretty confident that me bringing that up will lead to a lot of questions on her end as to why etc. I believe when those questions arise should I just state that he has some concerns that might be addressed by a neutral party?

Yes state that he has some concerns that are best addressed by a neutral trained third party -- you can phrase it as such:

Son has expressed to me that he worries about things. While some of those worries may not be important to you or I and he may be exaggerating other things, I believe it would benefit him to see a neutral trained third party. I suggest he have an assessment at <name a professional counselor> or <second choice> to determine if there is cause for concern. We would then abide by the recommendations of the counselor. Do you have any counselor suggestions? We can talk at the end of the week and choose a counselor then.

Hence you are working WITH mom and not being pitted against her.

 

[buck_n_a]

Get out your court order and find out. IT MATTERS or I would NOT be asking.Find out the exact wording.

Below is taken from the divorce papers. Please let me know if this does not clarify your question.

The Mother and Father believe it is in the best interest of the minor child to allocate the parental rights and responsibilities for the care of their child in accordance with Shared Parenting Plan, pursuant to Ohio Revised Code 3109.04(D)(1)(a).

Article 2

A. Possessory Schedule

1.) Mother Shall be residential parent at all times the child is not with the Father. During such time the Father shall be the non-residential parent.

2.) The Father shall be residential parent at all times the child is with him. The Father shall be entitled to Local Rule 17 Visitation Schedule of (County Court Name Removed for privacy reasons), in addition to other times set fourth below.

a. Explaination of extra agreed upon time.

Her mother -- the maternal grandmother? That would be a witness.

Yes, if what she told me is true and she testifies in court as such then her mom would be a witness to the considerable amount of fighting between her and her husband.

Yes state that he has some concerns that are best addressed by a neutral trained third party -- you can phrase it as such:

This is a great idea and puts no pressure on him and we should both be able to agree that this will be good for him.

 

[ecmst12]

Sounds like joint physical custody but mom has more time....what is your current visitation schedule? How much time does kiddo spend with you? How far do you live from mom?

 

[buck_n_a]

Sounds like joint physical custody but mom has more time....what is your current visitation schedule? How much time does kiddo spend with you? How far do you live from mom?

I currently keep the boy every Wednesday and just about every weekend. I also see him a lot during the week as I will go to his practices and all of his games.

I currently live about 16 miles from his mom.

 

[Ohiogal]

I currently keep the boy every Wednesday and just about every weekend. I also see him a lot during the week as I will go to his practices and all of his games.

I currently live about 16 miles from his mom.

You are therefore NOT asking for a change in custody but a change in time. A change in time can be granted with any change in circumstance IF it is in the child's best interest. File for a modification. I do not work in your county -- I know what county you are referencing however -- but I am not familiar with the judges in said county.

 

[buck_n_a]

Thank you all for your replies and help. I have a better plan in place and understanding of what I need to do.