missed visitation

[nana99]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NH

The judge ruled that my ex was to get over night visitation every other weekend and every Wednesday. Now my ex has a new job that was supposed to be working with him with his visitation schedule. He usually picks up our daughter on Wednesday at 4 and she returns at 3 on Thursday, he has to change that to 10 on Thursday which is no big deal. He now however has to work this weekend and wants to change that visitation also. He is wanting to change from every other weekend to whatever 2 days during the week that he may have available and not consecutive. I am trying to keep our daughter in a scheduled routine. I am just wondering what kind of visitation schedules do GAL and judges come up with for people who have a different work schedule each week while trying to keep the childs life as stable as possible. Thank you in advance for any ideas and input

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NH

The judge ruled that my ex was to get over night visitation every other weekend and every Wednesday. Now my ex has a new job that was supposed to be working with him with his visitation schedule. He usually picks up our daughter on Wednesday at 4 and she returns at 3 on Thursday, he has to change that to 10 on Thursday which is no big deal. He now however has to work this weekend and wants to change that visitation also. He is wanting to change from every other weekend to whatever 2 days during the week that he may have available and not consecutive. I am trying to keep our daughter in a scheduled routine. I am just wondering what kind of visitation schedules do GAL and judges come up with for people who have a different work schedule each week while trying to keep the childs life as stable as possible. Thank you in advance for any ideas and input

The kind of schedule he is asking for is something that a judge wouldn't be very likely to order. Why?, because it leaves you and the child's life in "limbo" and would never allow you to make any plans.

Now, if dad's days off were consistant, yes, it would be quite likely that a judge would order that he gets his two days off a week rather than a standard schedule.

If dad knows what his days off are at least two weeks ahead of time a judge might entertain the idea as well...requiring dad to immediately notify you of the schedule.

Otherwise, it probably won't happen unless you agree. What you might do is a compromise of sorts. 1) That he cannot take any time at all on what would be your normal weekends and holidays, and 2) that maybe one of the two days a week could be a fixed day, with the other being negotiable each week. However, if the two of you cannot work together well, that might end up not working.

 

[nana99]

The kind of schedule he is asking for is something that a judge wouldn't be very likely to order. Why?, because it leaves you and the child's life in "limbo" and would never allow you to make any plans.

Now, if dad's days off were consistant, yes, it would be quite likely that a judge would order that he gets his two days off a week rather than a standard schedule.

If dad knows what his days off are at least two weeks ahead of time a judge might entertain the idea as well...requiring dad to immediately notify you of the schedule.

Otherwise, it probably won't happen unless you agree. What you might do is a compromise of sorts. 1) That he cannot take any time at all on what would be your normal weekends and holidays, and 2) that maybe one of the two days a week could be a fixed day, with the other being negotiable each week. However, if the two of you cannot work together well, that might end up not working.

Thank you for your reply.

I was thinking the same thing, I can't make plans of any type because I never know when he wants her or may have time to have her. I completely understand working somewhere that a schedule is not the same week to week. I am not sure right now how far in advance he will know his schedule and will ask him this afternoon.

If he had the same days off every week I would completely understand him having those days instead of every other weekend. But I fear that he will be working some Wednesdays and that night will also be taken away from her. This leads to him picking her up for a couple hours here and there with no over night visits. She is only 2 but she understands spending the night with daddy. I was so used to her "schedule" that I used the time he had her to do the things I had to do that were hard with a small child, now I feel like I can't schedule anything like dr appointments for myself.

 

[wileybunch]

I don't see any reason why you can't accommodate his request if at the time you receive it it doesn't interfere with anything else ie. if you've got something set for a day and he says he wants that day, you say sorry, not this day, but otherwise it would be better to let child go with him than not. Also, it would be better to let her go even without an overnight than not go at all. I don't understand your argument there. I understand the idea of wanting consistency, but that's more in the minds of adults. Kid's idea of time and space is very different than adults anyway. It's more important that she has time with her dad given his work schedule is what it is than she not have time with dad. And, I'm sure if he could, dad would rather have a more consistent work schedule, but he can't control that and needs to earn a living and your daughter needs to spend time with her father.

 

[nana99]

I don't see any reason why you can't accommodate his request if at the time you receive it it doesn't interfere with anything else ie. if you've got something set for a day and he says he wants that day, you say sorry, not this day, but otherwise it would be better to let child go with him than not. Also, it would be better to let her go even without an overnight than not go at all. I don't understand your argument there. I understand the idea of wanting consistency, but that's more in the minds of adults. Kid's idea of time and space is very different than adults anyway. It's more important that she has time with her dad given his work schedule is what it is than she not have time with dad. And, I'm sure if he could, dad would rather have a more consistent work schedule, but he can't control that and needs to earn a living and your daughter needs to spend time with her father.

I was in no way suggesting that if she can't have over night visits that she should not have any visits. I believe that he should be able to spend as much time as possible with him and have that relationship. My only issue is how is one able to plan anything in advance such as vacations when his schedule is always different. It makes it hard for me to line up a babysitter if I don't know when I will need them.

I know from my own experience that growing up I had the same type of every other weekend and Wednesday night schedule with my dad and I knew that schedule and looked forward to those days instead of not knowing what day it was going to be from week to week.

He had a more consistent work schedule and was fired from his job, now he is working two part time jobs and is wanting to go back to school. It's not a matter of an argument just more one of how often do I give him the time he wants on the spur of the moment?

 

[nextwife]

I don't see any reason why you can't accommodate his request if at the time you receive it it doesn't interfere with anything else ie. if you've got something set for a day and he says he wants that day, you say sorry, not this day, but otherwise it would be better to let child go with him than not. Also, it would be better to let her go even without an overnight than not go at all. I don't understand your argument there. I understand the idea of wanting consistency, but that's more in the minds of adults. Kid's idea of time and space is very different than adults anyway. It's more important that she has time with her dad given his work schedule is what it is than she not have time with dad. And, I'm sure if he could, dad would rather have a more consistent work schedule, but he can't control that and needs to earn a living and your daughter needs to spend time with her father.

Agreed. I had a parent in Real Estate, who had a variable schedule, and being with him on whatever day he turned out that week to be available was very important to me. I sure would have hated to have lostthat time simply because it had to vary week to week, based on when his clients needed to see him. Stability is nice, but regularity is not a substitute for a parent.

 

[nana99]

Agreed. I had a parent in Real Estate, who had a variable schedule, and being with him on whatever day he turned out that week to be available was very important to me. I sure would have hated to have been denied that time simply because it had to vary week to week, based on when his clients needed to see him. Stability is nice, but regularity is not a substitute for a parent.

Maybe I am not conveying my point, in all honesty I don't care what days of the weeks it is. It was ordered every other weekend but if that can't be I understand. The issue that comes up is how much in advance should I be given of him wanting time? Say if he wants her next Tuesday then when should I expect him to ask for this so I can make the arrangements?

Having a set schedule is the best situation, but if it can't be then we work around it. When we went to court he wanted every other weekend, one day a week, and one day on the weekends that he doesn't have her. He continually berates me by saying that everything is by my schedule. I changed my schedule to accomodate the days he was ordered visitation, but now with him not knowing his days I can't change my schedule to accomodate that. There are going to be some weeks that he won't see her at all and some that he wants her a portion of every day.

 

[milspecgirl]

find out how far in advance he will know his schedule- that may be a big help. things that must be scheduled farther in advance will just have to be worked out as they come.
He may not get every day he asks for. If you have something planned that cannot be worked around you will just have to tell him what is going on and that he can't get her that day.
It is going to require a TON of communication on both your parts (which is hard when u have a parent who won't communicate, I know).
I would say go ahead and live your life and make your plans for things and you may have to change some and he may have to give up some days when things can't be changed.
At this point, you should be able to work it out. Once she hits school age- things are going to get messier.

 

[nana99]

find out how far in advance he will know his schedule- that may be a big help. things that must be scheduled farther in advance will just have to be worked out as they come.
He may not get every day he asks for. If you have something planned that cannot be worked around you will just have to tell him what is going on and that he can't get her that day.
It is going to require a TON of communication on both your parts (which is hard when u have a parent who won't communicate, I know).
I would say go ahead and live your life and make your plans for things and you may have to change some and he may have to give up some days when things can't be changed.
At this point, you should be able to work it out. Once she hits school age- things are going to get messier.

Thank you for your reply. I expect thigs to get messier. We have already had visitation modification 2 times. He lived in a different state and when he moved here, it was changed now he is wanting to change it again. Unfortunately I don't see how any visitation schedule can be set now because of his work schedule. I guess it's more frustrating than anything.

We had planned a trip around a weekend he didn't have her now he doesn't want weekends. Most plans that I have can be changed when he wants her. He comes to pick her up in a little while so I will be asking him how far in advance he is going to know his schedule.

 

[nana99]

I did speak to him, he knows his schedule about a week in advance.

He is supposed to have her this weekend, but is working Friday and Saturday night. We did agree to him picking her up on Sunday morning and me picking her up Monday evening, I suggested this because he was suggesting picking her up Saturday morning for a few hours then bringing her back a few hours later and the same on Sunday, which just meant back and forth.

One of his jobs is willing to work with his scheduling and he will not know about the other until later this week. They have told him however that he needs to have some availability on the weekends, which would count at least part of his weekends as unavailable for visitation. I know this is going to take a lot of work and communication, which is strained between us to say the least. But knowing it's in the best interest of our daughter we have to do this for her.

 

[MichaCA]

Maybe once you get all the information...he talks to the second employer, etc.,, perhaps he will be able to establish at least one day/night of the week that can be stable. And the rest worked out by the week...as long as he lets you know AS SOON as he finds out from his employer his schedule.

And something LdiJ said struck me...I would also establish at least one day a week (or two) - based on what info you have about dads schedule -where you know you have daughter that day - plan the playdates or whatever you do. And unless there is something contrary in your court order, plan vacations. Just give dad notice. Your allowed to have a life.

Both of you will have to be very flexible...do you have a good babysitter available?

 

[nana99]

Maybe once you get all the information...he talks to the second employer, etc.,, perhaps he will be able to establish at least one day/night of the week that can be stable. And the rest worked out by the week...as long as he lets you know AS SOON as he finds out from his employer his schedule.

And something LdiJ said struck me...I would also establish at least one day a week (or two) - based on what info you have about dads schedule -where you know you have daughter that day - plan the playdates or whatever you do. And unless there is something contrary in your court order, plan vacations. Just give dad notice. Your allowed to have a life.

Both of you will have to be very flexible...do you have a good babysitter available?

I am very fortunate as my parents babysit for me. However they were in the habit of scheduling weekend trips around her visitation weekends. They don't have a problem taking her, but it would be nice if they too had their free weekends.

You are right, I do need to have it so that I have one day every week set so that I know on that day I can make plans for us with no chance of him asking to have that day. Even if it's a trip to the beach she will have the routine of knowing that every week on that day it's mommy daughter day, I think that would help with keeping a routine for her. Thank you

 

[haiku]

I just saw this and wanted to chime in. My husband has a NH visitation order, and he too has a different weekly work schedule. How it has been handled is he has a set visitation weekend time and a second monthly weekend that he can take of his own choosing, with 5 days advance notice to mom. It requires some give and take but its certainly do-able.

 

[nana99]

I just saw this and wanted to chime in. My husband has a NH visitation order, and he too has a different weekly work schedule. How it has been handled is he has a set visitation weekend time and a second monthly weekend that he can take of his own choosing, with 5 days advance notice to mom. It requires some give and take but its certainly do-able.

That would be great if we had at least one set visitation weekend, but he is not wanting anything set. He is wanting to have different days each week, whatever coincides with his schedule. I guess if this is the only way his schedule will permit visitation, we will just have to work with it.

 

[wileybunch]

That would be great if we had at least one set visitation weekend, but he is not wanting anything set. He is wanting to have different days each week, whatever coincides with his schedule. I guess if this is the only way his schedule will permit visitation, we will just have to work with it.

It's not black or white. If you can accommodate his last minute requests, then you should. That's pretty much with a period on the end of it. If you already have something planned when he tells you a week or so in advance when he wants child, if you have something firm, you apologize that you have something planned for that day already and see if another day can work. If it can't, it can't, that may happen. But, if you've shown good faith in the interactions, there's really not much more that can be hoped for under the circumstances.

As for planning vacations, what provisions does your current court order have for that? The advice you get on how to plan your vacations given his variable work schedule will depend on what's already in your order.