Custody Modification

[hvyhttr]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IN

Current arrangement is 50/50 custody (1 month with her and 1 month with me).

I want to try to modify custody, but am a little gun-shy, as I feel like I didn't get a reasonable decision the first time around.

Here is a list of a few reasons I want to gain custody...


-7 year old son was recently diagnosed with severe dyslexia and ADHD, and per the Psychologist, he needs more structure in his life to help him succeed. My current wife and I will be taking him to and from school every day...additionally, my current wife teaches at the school he will be attending and has specialized training for children with his learning differences. There is much more structure with us.

-Refused to pay for any of the costs to do psychological testing on my son for learning disabilities.

-7 year old tells me that mommy and her girlfriend (yes, she is gay now...) make fun of me when I am not good at something (recently bowling). You can't do that kind of stuff with a child like him...he already has issues with self-worth and misunderstanding social cues.


-Has not attended required parents' meeting for my son's new school.

-My 7 year old son tells me he does not want to go to her house, and cries most of the last night he is with me in response. He says we just sit and watch movies at mommy's house.

-My 5 year old son asked me if I would get in the shower with him like mommy does...I said "no, I have clothes on" and he said, no like mommy does with no clothes.

-7 year old son wakes up crying, telling me about the scary movies he has watched and he is worried it will happen to him (most recently the movie 2012).

-7 year old was recently put on medication for ADHD. It is set up to wear off around dinner time. She stated she knows the current setup is what is best for him, but she wants him to behave until bedtime...so she wants it changed. This worries me, because she has a history of self-medicating with free samples she takes from her job...

-She often asks myself or my stepmother to watch the boys during her time with them. In July, she had them for two weeks...5 of the 14 days she asked myself or my stepmother to watch them. 2 of those days we had them for her, she said she had to work but later found out she had the afternoons off during both days and did not pick them up from my current wife (she is off of work because she is a teacher) until 5pm.

-Faked a broken arm and asked me to take them for a few days because of her pain...3 days later, found out she was running in a local marathon under an alias...

-allowed them both to ride on the back of an ATV without helmets, and my 7 year old fell off.

-drops them off in the morning with my wife and I...and all they have to eat is a ziplock bag of cereal.

-caught forging contact lense prescriptions at work

-when married, she called me when I was at work and said "I am going to hurt these kids if you don't come home". I drove home 30 minutes, trying to call her back (but she would not answer).


IS IT WORTH PURSUING? My fear is that the courts will think I am doing it just because she is gay (for now)...and in fear of a lawsuit from the Gay and Lesbian groups will rule in her favor...

 

[Silverplum]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IN

Current arrangement is 50/50 custody (1 month with her and 1 month with me).

I want to try to modify custody, but am a little gun-shy, as I feel like I didn't get a reasonable decision the first time around.

Wow.
50/50 is what most people AIM for.

Here is a list of a few reasons I want to gain custody...

-7 year old son was recently diagnosed with severe dyslexia and ADHD, and per the Psychologist, he needs more structure in his life to help him succeed. My current wife and I will be taking him to and from school every day...additionally, my current wife teaches at the school he will be attending and has specialized training for children with his learning differences. There is much more structure with us.

There's more Mom at Mom's house.

-Refused to pay for any of the costs to do psychological testing on my son for learning disabilities.

Not illegal, unless outlined and ordered in the decree.

]-7 year old tells me that mommy and her girlfriend (yes, she is gay now...) make fun of me when I am not good at something (recently bowling). You can't do that kind of stuff with a child like him...he already has issues with self-worth and misunderstanding social cues.

I assume you mean, the women make fun of the child.
Not illegal.

-Has not attended required parents' meeting for my son's new school.

Ooooh.
We ought to lock her right up.

-My 7 year old son tells me he does not want to go to her house, and cries most of the last night he is with me in response. He says we just sit and watch movies at mommy's house.

-My 5 year old son asked me if I would get in the shower with him like mommy does...I said "no, I have clothes on" and he said, no like mommy does with no clothes.

-7 year old son wakes up crying, telling me about the scary movies he has watched and he is worried it will happen to him (most recently the movie 2012).

None illegal. All parenting choices.

-7 year old was recently put on medication for ADHD. It is set up to wear off around dinner time. She stated she knows the current setup is what is best for him, but she wants him to behave until bedtime...so she wants it changed. This worries me, because she has a history of self-medicating with free samples she takes from her job...

Love how you tossed in the last sentence with no explanation and no follow-through with what happened with all that mess.

-She often asks myself or my stepmother to watch the boys during her time with them. In July, she had them for two weeks...5 of the 14 days she asked myself or my stepmother to watch them. 2 of those days we had them for her, she said she had to work but later found out she had the afternoons off during both days and did not pick them up from my current wife (she is off of work because she is a teacher) until 5pm.

-Faked a broken arm and asked me to take them for a few days because of her pain...3 days later, found out she was running in a local marathon under an alias...

Not illegal.

-allowed them both to ride on the back of an ATV without helmets, and my 7 year old fell off.

Again...WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT?

I tried CAPS that time. Might get a response.

-drops them off in the morning with my wife and I...and all they have to eat is a ziplock bag of cereal.

Because you won't feed them, or what?
Golly, this is getting way petty.

-caught forging contact lense prescriptions at work

You're laughable at this point.

-when married, she called me when I was at work and said "I am going to hurt these kids if you don't come home". I drove home 30 minutes, trying to call her back (but she would not answer).

Again...WHAT HAPPENED WITH ALL THAT?

Oh, and whatever happened BEFORE the LAST court order is OVER. Over, as in, don't bring it up to a judge or attorney or us here on FA or your current wife or your children or your ex-wife or the guy on the light-rail next to you.

IS IT WORTH PURSUING? My fear is that the courts will think I am doing it just because she is gay (for now)...and in fear of a lawsuit from the Gay and Lesbian groups will rule in her favor...

Not worth pursuing.

Because you are a teensy, petty, petty, petty man.

 

[stealth2]

I'm thinking I should read posting hx?

 

[Silverplum]

I'm thinking I should read posting hx?

Yes. (As I should've before my first response.)

 

[stealth2]

I find it interesting that, in the majority of your posts regarding your son, you make absolutely no mention of the fact that you and his Mom are divorced. And even in those where you do, the focus is on how YOU will benefit.

I'm out.

 

[Isis1]

Good god!! A month on, a month off??? That is a freaking horrible plan. A better plan would be a 2/2/3 schedule. Your wife is not a better mom. The ex doesn't like going to any of the school functions either. Cuz i'm on a first name basis with the entire staff. Geez, your new squeeze works there. That has to be uncomfortable.

 

[hvyhttr]

Wow.
50/50 is what most people AIM for

.

I agreed to 50/50 custody because I that is what I felt was best for the children at the time.

Originally Posted by hvyhttr
Here is a list of a few reasons I want to gain custody...

-7 year old son was recently diagnosed with severe dyslexia and ADHD, and per the Psychologist, he needs more structure in his life to help him succeed. My current wife and I will be taking him to and from school every day...additionally, my current wife teaches at the school he will be attending and has specialized training for children with his learning differences. There is much more structure with us.

There's more Mom at Mom's house.

Correct...there is. But usually mom is bussing them off for someone else to watch them. Most times me...

Originally Posted by hvyhttr
-Refused to pay for any of the costs to do psychological testing on my son for learning disabilities.

Not illegal, unless outlined and ordered in the decree

.

It is outlined that we are required to share the cost of uninsured health expenses based on income. She did not pay because she said he could get the same testing through the public school system over a period of time. And...since the school claimed they did not think he needed testing, she agreed with them because she knew I would do what it took to make sure he was taken care of...

Originally Posted by hvyhttr
-7 year old tells me that mommy and her girlfriend (yes, she is gay now...) make fun of me when I am not good at something (recently bowling). You can't do that kind of stuff with a child like him...he already has issues with self-worth and misunderstanding social cues.

I assume you mean, the women make fun of the child.
Not illegal.

Is illegal activity what it takes to modify custody? And I mean that honestly. I was under the impression it was in the best interest of the child. For a child with known psychological issues, documented by a physician, it would seem to me this would be considered a form of abuse...

Originally Posted by hvyhttr
-Has not attended required parents' meeting for my son's new school.

Ooooh.
We ought to lock her right up.

Obviously not illegal, but doesn't a pattern of behavior count for anything?

Originally Posted by hvyhttr
-My 7 year old son tells me he does not want to go to her house, and cries most of the last night he is with me in response. He says we just sit and watch movies at mommy's house.

-My 5 year old son asked me if I would get in the shower with him like mommy does...I said "no, I have clothes on" and he said, no like mommy does with no clothes.

-7 year old son wakes up crying, telling me about the scary movies he has watched and he is worried it will happen to him (most recently the movie 2012).

None illegal. All parenting choices.

If someone continually makes bad parenting choices, at what point are those no longer choices, but a bad parent?

Originally Posted by hvyhttr
-7 year old was recently put on medication for ADHD. It is set up to wear off around dinner time. She stated she knows the current setup is what is best for him, but she wants him to behave until bedtime...so she wants it changed. This worries me, because she has a history of self-medicating with free samples she takes from her job...

Love how you tossed in the last sentence with no explanation and no follow-through with what happened with all that mess.

She worked in a Dr's office and would regularly take a large number of samples of medications for herself and her mother. Nothing ever came of it...I guess I could have turned her in, but would most people turn in their wife?

Originally Posted by hvyhttr
-She often asks myself or my stepmother to watch the boys during her time with them. In July, she had them for two weeks...5 of the 14 days she asked myself or my stepmother to watch them. 2 of those days we had them for her, she said she had to work but later found out she had the afternoons off during both days and did not pick them up from my current wife (she is off of work because she is a teacher) until 5pm.

-Faked a broken arm and asked me to take them for a few days because of her pain...3 days later, found out she was running in a local marathon under an alias...

Not illegal.

Again, I understand it is not illegal. Is the only way to lose custody (I say lose, because it seems like a mother has to do something horrible to lose custody, but a father has to bust his tail to maintain custody)

Originally Posted by hvyhttr
-allowed them both to ride on the back of an ATV without helmets, and my 7 year old fell off.

Again...WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT?

I tried CAPS that time. Might get a response.

She denies it, both boys tell the story that

Originally Posted by hvyhttr
-drops them off in the morning with my wife and I...and all they have to eat is a ziplock bag of cereal.

Because you won't feed them, or what?
Golly, this is getting way petty.

She drops them off with me in the morning, during her custody time, so that I can take them to and from school. My wife brings them home from school and she picks them up in the evening. She is supposed to have them fed breakfast before she drops them off with me, because I leave as soon as she brings them.

Originally Posted by hvyhttr
-when married, she called me when I was at work and said "I am going to hurt these kids if you don't come home". I drove home 30 minutes, trying to call her back (but she would not answer).

Again...WHAT HAPPENED WITH ALL THAT?

She told the custody evaluator that she just wanted me to come home...that she would not have hurt them.

Additionally, she told the custody evaluator, and it is in the report, that her biggest concern is what other people would think of her if she was the mom that lost custody.

I am not trying to be rude at all, but is illegal activity the only thing that would give me any ground to stand on?

 

[hvyhttr]

Good god!! A month on, a month off??? That is a freaking horrible plan. A better plan would be a 2/2/3 schedule. Your wife is not a better mom. The ex doesn't like going to any of the school functions either. Cuz i'm on a first name basis with the entire staff. Geez, your new squeeze works there. That has to be uncomfortable.

You know nothing about their "mom". So, that statement shows the biased a mother gets in the legal system when it comes to custody. Yes, she gave birth to them, but that is where the mothering stopped. The first 6 months of both of their lives, I was the one home with them, waking up with them, feeding them, bathing them, taking them to dr appointments, and "mothering them". When I went back to work, I was the one taking them to/from daycare, taking them on playdates on the weekend, going to the YMCA to do mother/baby classes. She refused to do any of it. The one time she fed my youngest son at age 8 months old, he smeared some food in his hair and she slammed the baby food down on the table in anger so hard it splattered onto the 10 ft vaulted ceiling. He cried, she stormed off into a bedroom and locked the door. I was left comforting my screaming son who just thought his mother was going to hurt him.

So, in my opinion (and maybe not your's or the court's) my current wife is a better mother than she is...

For a child that needs consistency 2/2/3 does not seem to provide that. Because of his disabilities he needs a consistent study area and structured evening. He needs to know where he is going to lay his head at night. When she is calling me 1 or 2 nights a week to take them on her evenings because of xyz emergency/unique situation, it is impossible to provide that consistency to them with that type of schedule. You don't agree?

 

[Silverplum]

Your attitude is such that you really MUST FOCUS.

You know nothing about their "mom". So, that statement shows the biased a mother gets in the legal system when it comes to custody. Yes, she gave birth to them, but that is where the mothering stopped. The first 6 months of both of their lives, I was the one home with them, waking up with them, feeding them, bathing them, taking them to dr appointments, and "mothering them". When I went back to work, I was the one taking them to/from daycare, taking them on playdates on the weekend, going to the YMCA to do mother/baby classes. She refused to do any of it. The one time she fed my youngest son at age 8 months old, he smeared some food in his hair and she slammed the baby food down on the table in anger so hard it splattered onto the 10 ft vaulted ceiling. He cried, she stormed off into a bedroom and locked the door. I was left comforting my screaming son who just thought his mother was going to hurt him.

So, in my opinion (and maybe not your's or the court's) my current wife is a better mother than she is...

For a child that needs consistency 2/2/3 does not seem to provide that. Because of his disabilities he needs a consistent study area and structured evening. He needs to know where he is going to lay his head at night. When she is calling me 1 or 2 nights a week to take them on her evenings because of xyz emergency/unique situation, it is impossible to provide that consistency to them with that type of schedule. You don't agree?

*spits again, leaves again*

 

[Proserpina]

You know nothing about their "mom". So, that statement shows the biased a mother gets in the legal system when it comes to custody. Yes, she gave birth to them, but that is where the mothering stopped. The first 6 months of both of their lives, I was the one home with them, waking up with them, feeding them, bathing them, taking them to dr appointments, and "mothering them". When I went back to work, I was the one taking them to/from daycare, taking them on playdates on the weekend, going to the YMCA to do mother/baby classes. She refused to do any of it. The one time she fed my youngest son at age 8 months old, he smeared some food in his hair and she slammed the baby food down on the table in anger so hard it splattered onto the 10 ft vaulted ceiling. He cried, she stormed off into a bedroom and locked the door. I was left comforting my screaming son who just thought his mother was going to hurt him.

So, in my opinion (and maybe not your's or the court's) my current wife is a better mother than she is...

For a child that needs consistency 2/2/3 does not seem to provide that. Because of his disabilities he needs a consistent study area and structured evening. He needs to know where he is going to lay his head at night. When she is calling me 1 or 2 nights a week to take them on her evenings because of xyz emergency/unique situation, it is impossible to provide that consistency to them with that type of schedule. You don't agree?

And that's the crux of the matter really, isn't it?

 

[stealth2]

You know nothing about their "mom". So, that statement shows the biased a mother gets in the legal system when it comes to custody. Yes, she gave birth to them, but that is where the mothering stopped. The first 6 months of both of their lives, I was the one home with them, waking up with them, feeding them, bathing them, taking them to dr appointments, and "mothering them". When I went back to work, I was the one taking them to/from daycare, taking them on playdates on the weekend, going to the YMCA to do mother/baby classes. She refused to do any of it. The one time she fed my youngest son at age 8 months old, he smeared some food in his hair and she slammed the baby food down on the table in anger so hard it splattered onto the 10 ft vaulted ceiling. He cried, she stormed off into a bedroom and locked the door. I was left comforting my screaming son who just thought his mother was going to hurt him.

So, in my opinion (and maybe not your's or the court's) my current wife is a better mother than she is...

For a child that needs consistency 2/2/3 does not seem to provide that. Because of his disabilities he needs a consistent study area and structured evening. He needs to know where he is going to lay his head at night. When she is calling me 1 or 2 nights a week to take them on her evenings because of xyz emergency/unique situation, it is impossible to provide that consistency to them with that type of schedule. You don't agree?

And yet, YOU agreed to a 50/50 schedule. Which tells me that you are no more fit than you claim Mom to be. So perhaps your best call would be to CPS (or whatever it's called in your state) and inquire about having the children surrendered to the state's custody.

 

[milspecgirl]

so, you have a counselor or psychologist who is willing to testify that your house is better for the child due to his disabilities?

Because without ongoing therapy with the parents involved, no Dr or counselor can make that recommendation and if you are going to try to use that as your reason to change custody, you are going to have to have expert opinion.

You, of course, called child services when you learned your child had fallen off an ATV with no helmet and is being emotionally and verbally abused and the results of their case was???????

Try telling mom you can't take the children because you feel that they need the structure of staying in her home for the month. Or, look at it as- hey, another night I can give them structure.

What happened when you were married means NOTHING. She could have been the world's crappiest mom- doesn't mean she is now and the way a judge sees it- apparently it didn't bother you when you agreed to joint, so it can't be an issue now (and a judge doesn't care WHY you agreed to joint- you did. end of story)

Even if you got full custody, your wife is NOT their mother and never will be. She will never be more than a babysitter who sleeps with their dad. Even though she works at their school, she would have no right to look at their records, etc. No wonder mom doesn't want to go to school things. Can you imagine the things your wife has told her co-workers about the "horrible" mother. I don't normally put myself in places where I am going to be looked down on and talked about. A much better option would be putting the children in a school where stepmom doesn't work so that BOTH parents can build a relationship with the school.

 

[hvyhttr]

And that's the crux of the matter really, isn't it?

No, the issue at hand is that I love my boys more than anything in this world and when I see their mother doing much more harm to them than good, it breaks my heart. Yes, it is frustrating the uphill battle a father faces when it comes to child custody. I will not deny that...and sometimes I do get on my soapbox because of it...

My motives are genuine here. I have offered to allow her to pay me as much or as little support as she wants and the ability to choose when she wants them (up to 50%). All she would have to do it call me and say I want them (I am certain this would happen less than every other weekend). That way, she only has to have them when she wants them...Her response to that was she is too worried about what other people would think.

I came on here because I know you guys know what you are talking about, and I really just want to know what type of situation would warrant a try at custody modification? Is illegal activity the bar which must be met?

 

[Proserpina]

You need one of two things.

A substantial change in circumstance

Or

Proof of neglect/abuse.

Illegal activity in and of itself is NOT necessarily going to be a reason to change custody - much would depend on the activity itself, any resulting convictions and often whether the kids were involved or endangered.

Crappy parenting is also not a reason to change custody.

 

[stealth2]

Is illegal activity the bar which must be met?

Nope. Endangering the children is. In a manner which you can PROVE. (Which does not include what your 6yo tells you.)